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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that we are being FAR TOO SOFT on our kids nowadays by trying to help them avoid any little mishap?

189 replies

flashharriet · 23/10/2009 10:45

DS (Y6) walks to school with some friends. This morning, he decides to cook himself some breakfast and was then mucking about with his sisters. He then leapt in the shower and was in serious danger of being too late to meet his friends. So he said "Mum, you'll have to drive me to meet them" which I refused to do, suggesting instead that he call his friends to let them know. Moaning and groaning, he sprinted out the door and managed to meet them.

Relaying this later to one of the Mums at school, I could see her thinking "Aw, you could have taken him, poor boy". This is an attitude that seems quite prevalent now - the mums are truly lovely people and their kids' childhood must be lovely because nothing is ever allowed to go wrong in it! But I do wonder whether this is in fact, not doing the kids any favours in the long run? I know that I learnt some really important lessons about work and friendships by making mistakes and having to reap the consequences.

AIBU or am I out of step with everyone else?

OP posts:
Oblomov · 23/10/2009 19:57

Lulu, katie I remember that.
How can you NOT ?

ImSoNotTelling · 23/10/2009 20:02

Fucking hell I just read the sleepover thread. All those people can't be serious surely? For some reason it has left me feeling angry I don't know why.

Heated · 23/10/2009 20:29

It became perfectly apparent how coddled some children are the first day of secondary
-- befuddlement that if they leave a bag behind, they have to go back and fetch it, no kindly secretary appears with it
-- teachers don't help them get dressed after PE
-- that for the journey home they have to crucially cross the road to bus stop opposite, not stand for 45mins at the same one they got off at.

But I am an unsympathetic, evil mummy. Have already told ds 5 that if he really doesn't want to get dressed in school uniform in the morning, that's ok, he can go to his cm in his pants.

LuluDanceOnMyGrave · 23/10/2009 20:34

Well I grew up to be a computer geek - all those days tapping in Basic actually led to a proper job!

Conundrumish · 23/10/2009 20:34

Don't go overboard with your boys though - my brother was brought up to do jobs around the house and has married Little Miss Lazy who sits on her bottom all day!

EdgarAllenPoo · 23/10/2009 20:48

that reminds me of a Jewish joke,

Friend to jewish mother 'Una, how is your daughter, Becca?'

'Oh Becca has married a perfect man! he takes her to dinner every night, showers her with gifts, always helps her around the house, he's a lovely man.

Friend: 'and vot about your son, Moishe?'

'Oy Veh! Moishe has married a slut! She never cooks, he has to take her out all the time, she is never happy unless he buys her things and she doesn't lift a finger around the house!!'

dollyparting · 23/10/2009 20:50

My dd wanted to pack her own case when we were going away for new year - she was 5 at the time. She packed her pyjamas, toothbrush, 2 handbags and a tiara! I did add other essentials.

She has improved since then but she is horrified (age 16) that some of her friends still get their bags packed for them by their Mum when they are going away.

cory · 23/10/2009 21:25

the only person in our extended family who has never learnt to cook is my 83yo MIL. She was evacuated and lived with a rich American family where it was all served on a plate

she's a lovely person, not at all spoilt in herself, just lacking in a few practical skills (dh claims he grew up mainly on Spam)

have seen the same in some boarding school educated people as well, they appear to have considerably less connection with the mundane everyday business of life

Clary · 23/10/2009 21:29

No YANBU

We mollycoddled DS1 looking back, so he's a bit hopeless at some things (and certainly couldn't cook breakfast!) tho he is getting better.

He's yr 6 btw and walks in with pals now. If he were late leaving I would just say well you better run then.

Am being much harsher with the other two

minxofmancunia · 23/10/2009 21:31

my little sister age 29 has just moved, again, and again, my 70 yearodl father has co-ordinated and done the whole move for her. From cheshire to manchester and onto sheffield in 1 day then back to cheshire.

He turned up early doors, she'd done NO packing, he packed all her crap and ferried it all to shef then unpacked it all at the other end. WTF!!!!

Also chose and sorted out a new car for her (although she did finance it herself this time).She's a total child, my parents have never allowed her to grow up. She can't manage money at all. When parents retired she asked me if I could lend her the "odd £50 here and there cos mum and dad might not be able to do that anymore now they're not earning", she was 21.

chickbean · 23/10/2009 22:03

I shared a house with a 23 year-old from the South of France. He had lived in Paris for a year and taken his washing home to his mum whenever he ran out of clothes, but the UK was a bit too far to do that. He optimistically thought that, sharing with three girls, we would do his washing for him - we soon disabused him of that idea and taught him how to use the washing machine - shame his mum hadn't done that already (or taught him how to behave to women in general, but that's a different topic). Slightly wish DS1 (aged 3) didn't know how to switch the washing machine on - especially when it is empty.

Also knew someone who announced three quarters of the way through her first year at university that she had run out of knickers - she thought she had brought enough to have a clean pair every day for the whole year (though she really was so wealthy that she would never have to use a washing machine).

stirlingstar · 23/10/2009 22:15

I have a nephew who, at 14, would fail the spread-your-own toast test. Shocking. I have a 2.8 yo who is well on way to spreading toast and, unlike nephew, is allowed to use china plate and then put it in dishwasher when finished. Nephew not allowed because 'he doesn't know how and might break it'. What are his parents thinking?!?!

YANBU

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/10/2009 22:18

DS has just completely unprompted and unremarked looked out all his football kit for tomorrow, including his newly cleaned (by him) boots. I noticed when I tripped over them on the way to the downstairs loo, but STILL....(smug hardfaced cow mum emoticon).

Fennel · 23/10/2009 22:19

LOL at the Basic programming, that takes me back. Our ancient computer was a TRS-80 (state of the art in 1980 I suppose), not many people have heard of them because it was obsolete almost immediately.

Quattrofangs · 23/10/2009 22:22

Oh I wondered what had happened to the thread from the mad lady with the daughter with flat feet

As I recall, she used to wait on her hand and foot. It was indeed hilarious and it's a pity the thread's gone.

shockers · 23/10/2009 22:24

My DH overheard a playground coversation this morning about a project that was being handed in today.
Mum 1;I spent hours on that bloody project, hope Mr X appreciates the effort!

Mum 2; I got 45 points for the last one... (smug smile)

WHAT???

lindsaygii · 23/10/2009 22:26

If we don't teach them to do stuff, like cook, or get out of the house on time, they'll never learn.

My last bf was a 27 year old man who had no idea how to shop or cook. I'm sure his mum thought she was looking after him by waiting on him hand and foot.

What she actually did was produce a useless fool who can't take care of himself.

So there!

hanaflower · 23/10/2009 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ivykaty44 · 23/10/2009 22:43

my dd1 cleans narrow boats in the summer - I was repremanded for not doing the bathroom to standard - it was the last time I cleaned the bathroom and it is oh so much more to standard now

nuttysquirrel · 23/10/2009 22:52

Good efforts folks...........just think about all those sons who are going to make their OH very happy in the future........my DP was useless when I met him 14 years ago, his mum and sister did everything for him.........he has had to learn PDQ.

Our DS (2 and a bit) currently helps tidy away plates, stacks them in the dishwasher, carries washing to the washing machine and gasp always helps tidy up any mess he makes/toys at the end of the day, or at least tries to help a bit!.........never to early to learn stuff!

CheerfulYank · 24/10/2009 01:41

Someone I know was shocked that my DS (who's 2) likes to help me do the laundry. Her DS is 24 and brings it home for her to wash, dry, and lovingly fold.

Can you hear my eyes rolling all the way 'cross the pond?!

lilyjen · 24/10/2009 08:54

shockers I think that's terrible but I know it goes on..there's sooooooo many reasons why mums shouldn't do that

TitsalinaBumsquash · 24/10/2009 09:27

Hmm, now i can understand why parents mollycoddle their children, after all we all want our children to have a wonderful childhood and an easy life, we don't want them to suffer in any way we may have done.

Its really easy to not see the bigger picture, its easy to concentrate on the here and now and think 'if i buy Fred everything, it will make him happy, if he always has clean clothes, lifts to places, nice hot meals it will make him happy'

But it is true we need to think of teaching our kids to cook and clean is doing them a favour, m 22 yr old friend moved out of halls at uni after 2 weeks because he couldn't cook and was suffering! My eldest is 5 and he made Burgers from scratch yesterday, all i did was do the whizzer so he didn't chop his fingers off!

He knows how to use the ashing machine, he can get the milk from the fridge and our a glass. Its so essential for children to learn how to cook especially and pay bills and learn how to use the Bus and Train service!

curiositykilled · 24/10/2009 10:24

quattrofangs - Oh I forgot about the flat feet! Look up the thread, this thread reminded me of that one too! That was hilarious, such a shame it's gone!

cory · 24/10/2009 11:06

lol at Miggsie

a lot of the school threads are the same as well- mums who really think it is their job to intervene every single time a teacher speaks sternly to their offspring or their best friend decides to play with somebody else

dd and I had a discussion last night about that thread where a teacher punishes the whole class; dd has had any number of lunchtime detentions but never for a misdemeanour of her own

I told her that I disapprove of this type of discipline "but not enough to haul myself off the settee and do something about it"

"Thank goodness for that", said dd

she appreciates that she can come home and rant about her day- like I rant about my work at times- and it's perfectly safe, because nothing's going to happen, we all accept that sometimes you just have a rotten day (she knows that I would interfere in something really serious, but it would have to be serious)