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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider reporting friend to SS?

456 replies

sillysalley · 14/10/2009 22:42

I have a friend who's approach to parenting is just ... well ... worrying really.

Her and her husband have a crazy fascination with keeping the house like a show home and nothing else seems to be of importance other than that. I cant emphasise how much of a fascination it is, not just that they have a tidy house but things like
no baby gates allowed
children not allowed toys anywhere other than their bedroom
children not allowed to sit on the expensive leather sofa if they are wearing clothes with buckles and belts etc

Well i visited recently and their 2 year old is still not speaking (not even a single word, he makes very little noise)

Then she told me something that really worried me. Her 2 year old was really ill recently and she had to send for an ambulance because he could hardly breathe. She said
'I could hear him in his cot struggling to breathe, i was so panicked because it took me ages to get to him, trying to untie all the rope around his door handle to get into his room'

I presume the rope is to stop him going out of his bedroom in the night, as they wont have baby gates becuase they damage the walls.

Then she went on to say the hospital wanted her 2yo to stay in for the night but she refused and took him home.

I cant believe that HV or the hospital have not picked up on this, but I am truly worried. The thing is she isnt the kind of person you could approach about the issue. So all I can think of is an anonymous referal the SS.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 14/10/2009 23:57

so no-one answered my question. What would it take for you to call ss?

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:58

Oh come on sillysalley, FFS this woman is not abusing her kids by tying a bit of bloody rope to the door handle, or not allowing them to sit on the sofa with buckles or belts on.

If you suspected she was beating them, sexually abusing them, or neglecting them then go ahead & report her, but you don't. Take on board that the majority of people are saying that what you have told us is not a justifiable reason to involve SS.

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:59

Ive already decided to ring NSPCC for advice.

I think the best bet is to call HV, her DS is due a 2 year assessment so hopefully HV will check things out discreetly.

I agree, I am over reacting with SS, just a worried caring mum thats all.

OP posts:
ABitBatty · 15/10/2009 00:00

broke that was next on my suggestion list! I think she just wants to know why her friend (not really her friend, more DH's friends wife) DC didn't talk much at age two and has a house that is spotless.

VicarInaBooTu so what if you are a special? Doesn't make you right does it?

AtheneNoctua · 15/10/2009 00:01

Yeah, no harm can of it.

Like in this story:

www.magic1152.co.uk/Article.asp?id=1167339&spid=25645

ABitBatty · 15/10/2009 00:02

sillysalley No you aren't. You are poking your nose in. NSPCC?! You could be clogging up the line for a child who is really being abused. The NSPCC is about cruelty to children. Not letting them rip the furniture or wander around the house after bedtime isn't cruelty.

AtheneNoctua · 15/10/2009 00:03

HAve you mentioned this to your DH? What does he think about you shopping his friend to NSPCC/HV/SS/whomever?

Broke · 15/10/2009 00:03

Threads like this put me off making friends with other mothers and quite honestly fearful of letting anyone over my front doorstep.
At best Sillysalley you sound like a daft curtain twitcher with not enough to keep you busy and at worse a bit of a bitch.

LRB978 · 15/10/2009 00:03

WannaBe, suspect you mean this news story

"Judge Bray told Lindsey Miller: "...."You effectively locked the children in their rooms by means of reversing the door handle and fastening of a tie. ..."

Okay, more than just tying them in, but rendering the children unable to get out of a room when needed, leading to their deaths. Conclusion? 2 years in prison for her, 12 months for him.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 15/10/2009 00:04

Exactly Athene !! No harm done huh ??

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 15/10/2009 00:05

I asked that question Athene but was ignored. The OP seems to only want to respond to those who agree with her.

ABitBatty · 15/10/2009 00:06

hang on a minute....how ridiculous to compare to that story. A pair who had alcohol issues a IQ's of 66, leaving the kids with matches in their room is hardly the same is it!!

VicarInaBooTu · 15/10/2009 00:07

abitbatty - no it doesnt make me right but it means that if i make a referral its dealt with.

i am stunned that anyone can ever think that tying your child into their room is a safe option. that is exactly how tragedies happen. anyone who thinks its ok is - yes- imo - mad.

Op - your doing right in getting advice. dont ignore it.

Northernlurker · 15/10/2009 00:09

LRB - the children in the link you've made died because the door was effectively locked yes but also because their parents had encouraged them to play with matches and allowed matches to be available. That is not a normal situation!

beaniesinthebucketagain · 15/10/2009 00:10

my ds door handle is upside down, He just used to hang his arms over the stair gate shouting so the door was shut and then he slept, I cant see how an upside down handles dangerous?? Its far quicker for me in an emergency!

Btw Ds can now open it but is old enough to know he stays in bed!

YABU ss is a bit dramatic

wannaBe · 15/10/2009 00:10

the nspcc will give the op advice. Or is that wrong too?

Forget about the house and the toys and the furniture. If the op said "my friend locks her children in their bedrooms with padlocks on their doors," would people genuinely still be saying that that was ok?

Talk of the tidy house hasn't helped the op's cause perhaps, but I think she has received unfair criticism on this thread.

At the end of the day, not everyone thinks it's acceptable to lock children in their bedrooms at night. And perhaps I wouldn't make SS my first port of call either. But if you're not in a position to talk to the person in question, and you are genuinely concerned, what do you do? Just ignore it just in case it's ok and it ruins her life?

What about the child I referred to earlier whose mother washes his mouth out with soap. She's not someone I could approach either. Should that just be ignored too? Where do you draw the line at turning a blind eye and getting involved?

AtheneNoctua · 15/10/2009 00:11

I'm going to start a detective agency whereby I will tell people who have been shopped to SS who shopped them and where they live.

Now, I just need to find a women with a two year old who went to the hospital last night and confided in husbands friemd's wife how worried she was when she couldn't get the rope off the door fast enough (5 second might have been not fast enough when your child is choking).

Oh, and, she has a bloody clean house.

Northernlurker · 15/10/2009 00:12

'it doesnt make me right but it means that if i make a referral its dealt with' - gosh somebody does seem a little pleased with their status tbh.

ABitBatty · 15/10/2009 00:13

The parents in the fire story "had IQs of just 66, putting them in the bottom two per cent of the country" and left the DCs locked in their room with lighters or matches. Hardly a fair comparison.

Quattrocento · 15/10/2009 00:14

Am I alone in thinking that the culprit's real offence is the clean house?

My money is on the Flylady.

wannaBe · 15/10/2009 00:14

and no that case not exactly the same but even if they hadn't given the children matches but the house had still burned down I suspect the outcome would have been the same.

AtheneNoctua · 15/10/2009 00:15

Was that a combined IQ of 66?

ABitBatty · 15/10/2009 00:15

Well no because the kids themselves set the fire.

AtheneNoctua · 15/10/2009 00:16

Do you think fly lady put the rope on the door?

ABitBatty · 15/10/2009 00:16

never mind not exactly the same..it's nowhere near similar.