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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider reporting friend to SS?

456 replies

sillysalley · 14/10/2009 22:42

I have a friend who's approach to parenting is just ... well ... worrying really.

Her and her husband have a crazy fascination with keeping the house like a show home and nothing else seems to be of importance other than that. I cant emphasise how much of a fascination it is, not just that they have a tidy house but things like
no baby gates allowed
children not allowed toys anywhere other than their bedroom
children not allowed to sit on the expensive leather sofa if they are wearing clothes with buckles and belts etc

Well i visited recently and their 2 year old is still not speaking (not even a single word, he makes very little noise)

Then she told me something that really worried me. Her 2 year old was really ill recently and she had to send for an ambulance because he could hardly breathe. She said
'I could hear him in his cot struggling to breathe, i was so panicked because it took me ages to get to him, trying to untie all the rope around his door handle to get into his room'

I presume the rope is to stop him going out of his bedroom in the night, as they wont have baby gates becuase they damage the walls.

Then she went on to say the hospital wanted her 2yo to stay in for the night but she refused and took him home.

I cant believe that HV or the hospital have not picked up on this, but I am truly worried. The thing is she isnt the kind of person you could approach about the issue. So all I can think of is an anonymous referal the SS.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:38

Like ABitBatty I also had a hook on my DS1's door for a couple of weeks a few years back because he would constantly get out of bed. I always unhooked it when he was asleep.
He was never distressed by it, just tried opening the door a couple of times, then got the message that he wasn't to come out & that was that. I'm sure if I hadn't done that he would still have been getting up for a long time after that.

Maybe that's all your friend is doing. Trying to make DS realise that he shouldn't be coming out of his room at night. Perhaps she also took the rope off when he was asleep. As I said before, without all the facts, I think you are wrong to involve SS or the HV.

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:39

Thanks wannabe

Will ring in the morning, that is the kind of advice that I wanted.

OP posts:
pruneplus2 · 14/10/2009 23:39

Im just wondering if everyone who is up in arms about the rope leaves all their exterior doors and windows unlocked or open at night for a just-in-case ease of escape.

The Rope Trick - as I believe Christopher Green called it in his (really rather shit, admittedly) Toddler Taming book - is certainly not something I would do and obviously rather unconventional and I recall thinking it was a pretty stupid idea when I read it 10 years or so ago but it is certainly not tantamount to abuse.

What is it about MN and the frequent "should I call SS?" threads?

BiteOfFun · 14/10/2009 23:40

Ropes tied in granny knots are clearly ridiculous.

I don't have a problem with fitting a small bolt or latch (which an adult could easily force if need be) to the outside of a toddler's door if it keeps them safely contained. I have to do this myself for my dd with SN, otherwise she would never settle. Social Services have visited us many times in a supportive role, and have never flagged this up as an issue. From a safety point of view, anything an adult can't swiftly release is plain stupid though.

VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:42

im the parent of an ASD son of 17 years old. id ring the neck of anyone who even tried to tell me to tie his door handle shut. im absolutely gobsmacked that anyone ever can justify this.

if anything happened in a house with a child literally tied in, and i went there id be asking some questions and quite possibly making some referrals. this is not normal and i am astounded that anyone is justifying this type of behaviour.

i see some sights as a special, but this would concern me.

AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:42

As for the hospital, why is this a problem? Perhaps she wanted her son to be in the comfort of his own home when there was nothing the hospital could do anyway. Perhas the hospital is full of sick people to whom she rather not expose her child. Perhaps the hospital told her she could not stay with him. Perhaps the hospital was dirty. There are so many reasons not to listen to the NHS. Why is this abuse? Can't parents make their own decisions on their children's welfare.

Every time I see the GP she wants to stick my kids with an MMR jab. I politely decline. The night before last I was in her office asking for yet another referral to a pediatrician (she was reluctant) because DD has had a recurring UTI for a FRICKEN YEAR.

Who with half a brain has never made a decision that is not completely in line with an NHS recommendation?

DailyMailNameChanger · 14/10/2009 23:43

By sillysalley on Wed 14-Oct-09 23:39:41
Thanks wannabe

Will ring in the morning, that is the kind of advice that I wanted.

Why bother asking the question then? Why not go to parenting and say "I am going to call SS because.." or, even better, not bother if your mind was made up. The majority of the thread has said YABU.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:43

OP - Why did you post in AIBU if you clearly think you are not BU & are not prepared to listen to any other point of view except from the posters who agree with you ??

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:45

Sorry, Xpost with DailyMailNameChanger

BiteOfFun · 14/10/2009 23:46

Ah, the good ol' "Thanks to all those that agreed with me" AIBU staple

bellabelly · 14/10/2009 23:46

So interested in this thread - opinion seems really divided which is quite rare on MN. I was thinking of stairgate for our DTs when we put them into toddler beds instead of cots but then DH said, surely if they can climb out of cot, will be able to climb over stairgate? And then fall downstairs in dark / wander into kitchen and play with cooker / generally endager themselves.

So we were thinking a lock (hook and eye type) would be better than a stairgate. But some posters on this thread are now making me think that's practically child abuse! Arrgh. Don't know what I think now... Confused

wannaBe · 14/10/2009 23:46

"The police or fire brigade wouldn't even notice any rope on a closed door in a burning house. They would kick in the door surely - not debate about legality
surrounding the rope/lock/hook ?" No, but once everyone was out, and after the event there would be an investigation into the fire and then the rope would be discovered. And then the authorities would almost certainly be notified if rope was excessive. And if the child died there would almost certainly be a manslaughter charge. In fact, iirc someone went to jail not so long ago because their children burned to death in a house fire when their doors were locked. Will find link...

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:46

Ring the nspcc hotline, not social services, that is what wannabe suggested.

Please dont just assume

OP posts:
Broke · 14/10/2009 23:47

I suspect Sillysalley is rather jealous of this "distant friends" lovely house and so has been dying to poke her nose in.
For what it's worth SS if they go around to her house will see a clean house, an articulate woman and healthy looking children and do nothing. If it was a housing estate with muck behind the fridge they'd be in care by bedtime.

AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:47

"What is it about MN and the frequent "should I call SS?" threads? "

Exactly, prune! When did this become acceptable behaviour?

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:49

I have taken your views into consideration, I am going to ring NSPCC hotline in the morning for advice instead of SS. What is it with people tonight?

OP posts:
DailyMailNameChanger · 14/10/2009 23:49

I didn't assume, I gave a couple of examples of possible thread titles that may have been better suited, please read properly ( right back at ya )

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:50

Youve got it totally wrong broke. Not me at all!

OP posts:
VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:50

athene this isnt about refusing a gp';s advice. its not your personal issue. as a professional, if i saw this type of behaviour id report it. and id be right to do so. let SS work out if she is just some hippy dippy daft moo reading the wrong parenting books. an ounce of common sense wouldnt go amiss here - this is not tantamount to refusing a jab. this is a parent tying her own child into their room so no one can get in with any speed should they need to. jesus - im going to bed before i spontaneously combust.

to the OP. yes. this is mad. not normal. report it. no harm done if nothing is amiss.

DailyMailNameChanger · 14/10/2009 23:53

Wondered how long it would take for the "if there is nothing wrong there is nothing to fear" line to be trotted out, am quite impressed it took that long TBH. History has shown, repeatedly, that "nothing wrong" does not mean "nothing to fear".

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:54

"to the OP. yes. this is mad. not normal. report it. no harm done if nothing is amiss."

How can you say there is no harm done if nothing is amiss ??? Of course there will be harm done to the family in question if SS get involved, even more so if nothing is found to be wrong.
If someone reported me for something I did that was found to be nothing, I would be so hurt & upset that someone felt the need to report me.

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:55

I can suddenly see why so many children are dropped through the net now.

OP posts:
pooexplosions · 14/10/2009 23:55

Calm down, vicar, you are havin a right old rant here!
So you don't like it. Lots of people do parenting things, many got from books, that others don't like. Some people think controlled crying is abusive, but you wouldn't ring social services if someone you knew did it?

Broke · 14/10/2009 23:56

Oh and be prepared for a punch on the nose when she finds out it was you that reported her, my cousin had a busybody like you report her for some nonsense and during the visit from SS the SW said I cannot tell you who reported you but I'm going to leave this A4 pad here and go and use your toilet if that's ok.

Northernlurker · 14/10/2009 23:56

I think you need to ask yourself why you are ringing SS. What do you hope to gain from it? What good result for this family?

Will they help her to come to terms with the fact that children need toys and toys can be a bit messy? Well she knows that doesn't she - and you can discuss that with her.

Will they help her manage her childs sleep pattern without tying the door shut (and those of you with knickers utterly twisted about - get a grip it was the door not the child that was tied up)? Well you could help her with that - by discussing it.

Will they help her son get better from his croup (sounds like croup to me) - no they won't because he's better already.

So what actually is the point here - what is there that's happening that you think a call to SS will solve - that you speaking to this women wouldn't solve?

If you have concerns you are obliged by common humanity to address them. You are NOT obliged to involve other agencies.