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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider reporting friend to SS?

456 replies

sillysalley · 14/10/2009 22:42

I have a friend who's approach to parenting is just ... well ... worrying really.

Her and her husband have a crazy fascination with keeping the house like a show home and nothing else seems to be of importance other than that. I cant emphasise how much of a fascination it is, not just that they have a tidy house but things like
no baby gates allowed
children not allowed toys anywhere other than their bedroom
children not allowed to sit on the expensive leather sofa if they are wearing clothes with buckles and belts etc

Well i visited recently and their 2 year old is still not speaking (not even a single word, he makes very little noise)

Then she told me something that really worried me. Her 2 year old was really ill recently and she had to send for an ambulance because he could hardly breathe. She said
'I could hear him in his cot struggling to breathe, i was so panicked because it took me ages to get to him, trying to untie all the rope around his door handle to get into his room'

I presume the rope is to stop him going out of his bedroom in the night, as they wont have baby gates becuase they damage the walls.

Then she went on to say the hospital wanted her 2yo to stay in for the night but she refused and took him home.

I cant believe that HV or the hospital have not picked up on this, but I am truly worried. The thing is she isnt the kind of person you could approach about the issue. So all I can think of is an anonymous referal the SS.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:01

I think you are being a little bit OTT with the idea of calling SS. Yes, it is a bit strange to tie the door handle up, but I think you should ask her why the handle was tied with rope and suggest that maybe she could look into one of these.

The other things you mention are not completely abnormal. If she likes her house to look nice, that is down to her. It is not neglectful.

Did you ask her why she brought DS home rather than let him stay overnight in hospital?

As for DS not speaking. My DS1 didn't really speak at 2, he could only say mumma, dadda, nanna & babba. Turns out he is Autistic, nothing to do with the fact I like a clean & tidy house !!

ABitBatty · 14/10/2009 23:01

A locked bathroom door is the same. If someone is in the bath and there is a fire the bolt would get hot etc etc.
SS totally over the top IMO. Zips etc on clothes tear expensive furniture.
The age her DC talk isn't any of your business really is it?

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:02

I think most of you are right, I probably am over reacting, but as mentioned before, I dont get to see this friend that often. And when she mentioned the rope, I was so I didnt say anything, and I wished I had.

So as I wont see friend and her dc for a couple of months now, I wondered what was best to do. Maybe find out her HV and give them a call, would that seem better?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 14/10/2009 23:04

of course it's abuse.

One thing to have a safety gate on a child's bedroom, they can open the door and call out if they need you. But to tie a door shut you are essentially locking them in for the night, meaning they can only come out when you say so.

would it be acceptable to do that to an adult? No didn't think so.

wannaBe · 14/10/2009 23:06

or to put a padlock on the outside of a door?

edam · 14/10/2009 23:06

Your friend does sound extremely precious - not allowing children on the sofa if they are wearing clothes with a zip is barking! (What's more important in this family, the child or the ruddy sofa?)

And the rope around the handle would really worry me. And then you get the refusal to let the child stay overnight in hospital...

Think you need to have a chat with your friend and find out whether she's learnt her lesson about the rope.

HuwEdwards · 14/10/2009 23:07

Nope, don't agree, just a different style of parenting.

Poohbearsmom · 14/10/2009 23:08

If she truely is ur friend then talk to her. Regardless if it may upset her or affect ur friendship. Imagine how affected her life wud b by havin ss involved!! Wud u prefer to hurt their lifes more then hav a conversation with her which will b a hard one but will hopefully either set ur mind at rest or help her and her child...

wannaBe · 14/10/2009 23:08

if the op had posted "I have a friend who locks her two year old in his bedroom every night" would people still be saying that was perfectly ok?

Tbh I think the rope issue has become blurred because of the other things which are really unimportant. But tying rope around a child's bedroom door to the extent you cannot untie it in an emergency is wrong on every level, and if she won't listen to reason then yes, I would be calling social services about that. If nothing else they can speak to her about the dangers.

ShinyAndNew · 14/10/2009 23:09

Wannabe a two year old who cannot talk isn't goinmg to be attempting to get out of bed to ask for a drink, or tell his mum he needs the toilet. Its going to because he gets up and down all night long.

Maybe the rope isn't on the door every night, maybe it's just on really really bad nights?

I can sympathise with that, me and DH did rapid return with dd2 for over four hours one night. After a week of this we wedged the carpet cleaner against the door because we couldn't take anymore.

Sillysalley, why not just ring your friend and ask if her ds is having trouble on a night? Maybe you could give her some suppoert/advice?

tearinghairout · 14/10/2009 23:10

I just want to say that I did a child protection course recently becaue I work with dch, I think it's in the wake of Baby P's death, anyway they stressed over & over that if you have ANY suspicions at all you should not hesitate, but ring SS who will assess the situation.

They would rather be called out unnecessarily 100 times than miss a problem. Your friend would receive a little chat & get advice, they don't rush in to take dch away (I was told).

hth

AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:11

I think you are overreacting. I remember tying DDs door shut because the inside of her bedroom was a safer place then the bathroom or kitchen where I could not stop her from roaming if she got up in the middle of night. If a child is still in nappies they don't really have a need to leave the bedroom in the middle of the night.

SS for God's sake. I thought the Governments' nanny state tactics were bad enough. Is this how friends behave too?

Can you honestly tell me the child's room is more dangerous than any other place in the house to which he might roam in the middle of the night? All those lovely knobs on the cooker in the kitchen, for example.

PlonkerCandleInAPumpkin · 14/10/2009 23:11

No, not calling HV isn't better IMHO.

Call your friend and talk to her.

TigerBitesAgain · 14/10/2009 23:12

There are three completely different things going on here:

  • likes the house tidy. Doesn't like toys all over the place, doesn't let the kid mess up the sofa. Nothing wrong with all of that. Wish my house was tidier but the tidy fairy is on strike
  • rope on the door. Yes, that is in toddler taming isn't it. To stop in and out of room. Not sure it's a hanging offence. Was she overdramatising her story for effect when she went on about not being able to get through the rope?
  • child doesn't talk. Difficult to see why that would be connected with tidy house or silly rope thing that 99 nights out of 100 is completely neither here nor there.

Social Services? Certainly not. Not really the action of a friend, is it? Cross her off your Xmas Card list - yes, if you feel that strongly.

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:12

She s not the kind of friend I would ring to have a chat with, she s a distant friend. It is my DH and her DH who are the friends really.

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:14

I actually find it really worrying that you would consider reporting your friend to SS before having a chat with her first.

If she was seriously neglecting her children, or physically abusing them in some way, fine, report her, but from what you have told us she just does things differently to you. As someone else said, hopefully she has learnt her lesson wrt the rope on the door handle, but as for the other things you mentioned, nothing worth reporting there as far as I'm concerned.

As for her taking DS home against medical advice, for all you know the hospital may have advised her that they would like him to stay in, but that if she preferred to take him home that was up to her. We just don't know.

I think you are jumping to conclusions & are assuming a lot at the moment which may actually be very wrong. You need to talk to her first before making any rash decisions about involving SS. You say you won't see her for a while but surely you can call her ??

Imagine if someone reported you to SS just because you do things differently to them without having discussed it with you first.

tearinghairout · 14/10/2009 23:15

The OP has said that she doesn't feel able to raise the subject with the friend.

OP - could you ring SS, or your local HV - and ask their advice?

VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:16

i disagree. to forcibly tie your child into his/her bedroom every night with rope is just bloody barking mad. no one ive ever ever ever known has tied rope to their childrens bedroom doors. id be having some serious words, its just bloody well odd, a fire hazard, and barking mad. stair gates are one thing, to tie your children into their rooms is another. i am having slight disbelief at anyone saying this is 'ok' or 'another style of parenting'....yeah like knocing seven shades of shit out of your kids is a different style of parenting too...and i should know.
this is odd. wierd. not normal.
speak to the woman. if she refuses to acknowledge that tying your childs door shut is not the norm THEN phone social services.

littleducks · 14/10/2009 23:16

if the child can climb out of the cot i would expect it to go in a bed much safer

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:19

Athene - I guess other posters have been right, I have been in the house seen the DC and the way friend is with them and I get a vibe that worries me. I have been in the situation and it is difficult for others to judge.

I feel as if something is not quite right and feel the need for something to be done.

Please dont damn me, Im thinking of her DC here. It would be much easier for me to turn a blind eye to it all, trust me I have so much other stuff on my mind too. But Im a mother and couldnt do that

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:20

tearinghairout - I xposted with the OP, didn't realise she didn't feel able to raise the subject with this "friend".

OP - If your DH's are friends, can you DH not have a word with hers ? What are your DH's views on the matter ?

AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:20

vicar, why is a stair gate different? The child still could not get out in the event of a fire. I remember our stair gates were too wide for DD bedroom door.

I admit tying the door shut as a matter of nightly routine is a tad ood, but not worthing of bringing in SS. If someone anonymously alerted SS to my door, they'd better hope I never found out who they were.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:20

*your

VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:21

is this a parenting forum???? i thought it was. ive never had that advice...

im going to write to Viz

stop your child wandering at night. tie them into their bedroom...ha fucking ha...

i have 2 children never in a million years would i have adopted this approach. i think its tantamount to abuse. my kids (aged 17 and 12) have never needed to be shacked to their rooms. thank fuck.

im starting to think this is some kind of MN joke?

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:22

Vicar, I am so glad you have posted that. That is exactly how I was feeling, but wasnt brave enough to post.

Tying rope around your DC door is just so wrong!

OP posts: