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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider reporting friend to SS?

456 replies

sillysalley · 14/10/2009 22:42

I have a friend who's approach to parenting is just ... well ... worrying really.

Her and her husband have a crazy fascination with keeping the house like a show home and nothing else seems to be of importance other than that. I cant emphasise how much of a fascination it is, not just that they have a tidy house but things like
no baby gates allowed
children not allowed toys anywhere other than their bedroom
children not allowed to sit on the expensive leather sofa if they are wearing clothes with buckles and belts etc

Well i visited recently and their 2 year old is still not speaking (not even a single word, he makes very little noise)

Then she told me something that really worried me. Her 2 year old was really ill recently and she had to send for an ambulance because he could hardly breathe. She said
'I could hear him in his cot struggling to breathe, i was so panicked because it took me ages to get to him, trying to untie all the rope around his door handle to get into his room'

I presume the rope is to stop him going out of his bedroom in the night, as they wont have baby gates becuase they damage the walls.

Then she went on to say the hospital wanted her 2yo to stay in for the night but she refused and took him home.

I cant believe that HV or the hospital have not picked up on this, but I am truly worried. The thing is she isnt the kind of person you could approach about the issue. So all I can think of is an anonymous referal the SS.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:23

We are all mother, sillysally. It doesn't make me want to ruin other people's lives by thrusting SS into them.

I admit these people seem a tad odd. But I think SS is OTT. They scare me.

VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:24

stair gates are aptly named to stop your child falling down the stairs.

rope is....??? to tie your child up? ffs? im gobsmacked that anyone in their right mind can think this is ok.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:25

No, it's not right to tie the door handle up, but we don't know why she did it, or whether she does it every night. Sometimes, the constant up & down, up & down of a child in the night is enough to push anyone's patience. Maybe she actually only did this once & that happened to be the night her DS started choking. Hopefully it's taught her a lesson & she won't do it again, but is it really worth disrupting their lives by involving SS when the OP doesn't know all the facts ?

ABitBatty · 14/10/2009 23:25

Maybe she ties the door up and then when DC is asleep she unties it. So if there were a fire in the middle of the night then rescue is possible.
A DC in a cot can't get out and save itself from fire anyway?
I want to know what stair gates are okay but not ropes or other such devices?

TigerBitesAgain · 14/10/2009 23:26

Crikey Vicar. Keep your tutu on.

I honestly can't remember what I did (and it's only a few years ago) but I do remember doing something that meant that DS couldn't get out of his room and wander about but also meant his door was a bit open to get some light from the landing. There might have been ropes or wedges involved. His door has a latch which he can reach now but as a toddler he couldn't have done, so if I'd shut the door, he'd have been as good as roped in anyway. Would shutting a door where the toddler can't reach the latch be the same hanging offence you thing the rope trick is?

ABitBatty · 14/10/2009 23:26

I mean why LOL

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:27

Athene, I would never want to 'ruin other peoples lives' My thoughts are with the DC, surely they are most important in this case.

I think Im going to ring her HV for advice, without mentioning any names first.

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:27

Rope is........maybe the only option this woman had on the night in question because she doesn't have a baby gate. Perhaps what happened will make her see sense & go & get one.

Still no need to report her IMO.

VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:28

*previous post should have said shackled not shacked.

but i still feel the same. mad. absolutely barking bloody mad. let those parents explain to the police and fire brigade why the door was tied shut with rope, when there is a fire. or another emergency.

the stupidity of people never ever ceases to amaze me. and ive seen some stupidity in my time/job

AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:28

I hope she doesn't read MN... for your sake.

AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:30

I think you should ask Fran Lyon if she found SS to be helpful.

ABitBatty · 14/10/2009 23:30

Some of you are acting as if DC is stripped and hung from bedroom ceiling and tied up I had a hook thing on my ds2's door because he would not stay in bed. This was a phase he went through, lasted about 2 weeks but sent me mental. I unhooked it before I went to bed.
Is the issue here a possible fire/choking hazard...or the fact the dc can't get out on own will?

VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:31

athena - and i rather hope she does. wake up call needed.

TigerBitesAgain · 14/10/2009 23:31

think, not thing, obviously

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:31

Even if she did, all I have done is stated true facts, I havent been personal at all. That is not in my nature. I have mentioned what she has told me and stated how I feel about it.

Fair enough if I was posting 'stupid idiotic friend' etc

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 14/10/2009 23:31

sillysalley - Why would you ring her HV or SS ?? It is not your responsibility. How would you feel if you suddenly got a call or visit from SS or HV because someone had anonymously (sp) called them about something you were doing ??
I'd actually be really pissed off that the person in question did not have the balls to speak to me themselves.

ABitBatty · 14/10/2009 23:32

The police or fire brigade wouldn't even notice any rope on a closed door in a burning house. They would kick in the door surely - not debate about legality surrounding the rope/lock/hook ?

TigerBitesAgain · 14/10/2009 23:34

I think this thread is a wind up. Look at the OP again - the first concern is the tidy house FGS. I can't believe anyone in their right mind would consider destabilising a family by alerting SS about something like this, allegedly.

Quattrocento · 14/10/2009 23:34

The idea of the rope around the door comes from Toddler Taming - an idea which made me sling the book out and rue the day that I gave that charlatan author royalties.

I think you're being totally over the top about ss in this circumstance. The 2yo may just not talk in front of you, being shy. Or he may be mildly developmentally delayed. Either way, not reasonable to call ss.

wannaBe · 14/10/2009 23:35

I am absolutely horrified that people think this is ok.

the op said:

"'I could hear him in his cot struggling to breathe, i was so panicked because it took me ages to get to him, trying to untie all the rope around his door
handle to get into his room'"

Doesn't sound as if it was a one off does it? She talked about the rope as if it was a normal thing...

Now, perhaps if she was a good friend I would have a word before calling ss. If not such a good friend then perhaps i would think of taking a different approach. But am totally horrified that there are people who think this is a totally normal and acceptable way to treat any child.

So where would you draw the line? At what point would you consider ss involvement was warrented?

Someone recently told me of how she washes her child's mouth out with soap. Would you think that was ok too?

Op tell you what, why don't you ring nspcc (do they have a 24 hour hotline?) then come back and tell us what they say.

DailyMailNameChanger · 14/10/2009 23:36

Vicar, it has been done for year (which does not make it right just not abnormal) asd, as has been said, is mentioned in current parenting books.

Littleducks, putting them in a bed would have no effect on the door problem at all.

Op, you have no idea why this happened, for all you know she could have read this book and thought it was totally noraml, she could use it only during the day and have decided that, as she is awake, this is a reasonable risk... there are a multitude of things that could be going on here that you have no idea about but, most importantly, calling SS will not get her to change her action, however it will isolate her from you and, possibly, others.

By all means call her HV if you think it will help but SS are not the solution here - IMO!

Original poster
sillysalley · 14/10/2009 23:37

If you read the initial post you will see that the house was a bit of background information - the main issue was the rope and discharging her DS from hospital

as stated 'Then she told me something that really worried me...'

OP posts:
VicarInaBooTu · 14/10/2009 23:37

abitbatty wtf??

if it transpired that a child was actually physically tied into their bedroom do you honestly not think the parent would be in for a whole load of questions?

is the whole of MN mad? im starting to think ive stepped into an alternate reality.

use baby equipment when needed. dont fucking tie your children up. im a special. if i went to an address where the kids where tied in id be asking some serious questions.

AtheneNoctua · 14/10/2009 23:37

My point, silly sally, was that if she reads MN she will know who you are and (I assume) will be rather displeased about SS showing up to inspect her obsessively clean house.

megapixels · 14/10/2009 23:38

YABU. Nothing terribly wrong with containing kids (well I couldn't do that, but it's hardly child abuse) and their paraphanelia (sp?). I've never used stairgates for my kids, not that I'm worried about the house but because I don't think they're necessary (and they've never had a stair accident). The rope thing is odd though, wouldn't it be simpler to just lock the door? (Not that I'm saying she should!)

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