to not want a sibling younger than my own children?????

[beaniesinthebucketagain]

I know i probably am, as most of you will think its none of my business,

Im 21 i have a 26mnth and 10mnth old ds and dd, My mum recently re married to someone i choose not to spend time around after he hit my son, I still see my mum often we are and always have been close she has my sister 4 and brother one with her new husband, she admits she had my brother through jealousy that i had ds! It caused alot of friction in the family,
Whilst pregnant with my brother she was extremely ill and we nearly lost her several times, when he was born i had to step in and care for him as she was in recovery for 48hrs!
Ive since had my dd, and mum had said she could never have another due to health and how hard it is for her keeping up with the kids, plus she cant be a proper grandma!
She has just texted me;

Please dont be angry, im pregnant, ive told (husband) and hes soo soo pleased i dont know what to think, i know youll be pissed because youve finished your family.

Well yes i am pissed, im sorry but shell be lucky to survive it, she has text again saying she doesnt want it but he does and so on, Im just angry i feel like shes ruining my family ive completed i already get comments from strangers about having far younger siblings and so on, and i simply DONT want a sibling younger than my own youngest child

Its been agreed that im legal gaurdian to siblings, as her husband is just useless hes said if she died, hed be a weekend dad and me sole carer this is all agreed in the will, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT!!!! obviously, without a second thought id care for them, i adore them both but im 21 i have two of my own and i want to enjoy them, is she not being a bit selfish doing as she pleases and bugger the consequences for her children and grandchildren that are here, shes heading toward 50, she should be a bit more responsible!

Health problems and advanced maternal age might work against this pregnancy anyway.

Without going into the detail of your situation, I just wanted to say I have uncles who are younger than me and it was wonderful, specially when we were children. Like cousins, but even closer.

Whatever your feelings about it, it's a good thing for your children.

thing is, id like to say i wont do it etc, but when it comes to it i always will, we always will,

my partner and i are really close to my sister as we lived with her for 2yrs, which she can remember and still calls our bedroom ours iyswim.
he recently lost him job and has been fetching her from school etc as we have a car and they dont, we also invite them up whenever we have a roast etc its just all normal stuff you do to be nice and i now feel we are being depended on,
Im proud she trusts me enough to care for the children but the thought of its very very scary!
And i agreed thinking tbh it will never happen whilst theyre babys,

I asked her what she wanted me to say since she kept texting to which she replied, i dont know, this is a massive shock (we arent so sure about that?) Just didnt expect you to blank me, say what you like tell me the truth dont ignore me, wish i hadnt upset you.

SO now i feel guilty

I'm not sure I should type this, but I will anyway - at 47 there is a massive chance of miscarriage anyway. I think at over 45 years, there is a 95% chance of miscarriage and it increases enormously over the age of 40 at a massive rate.

Sorry, I feel really insensitive typing that, but not sure if you are aware.

ib- i know, my ds whos 2 adores his aunty (4) and my brother whos one is so close to dd 10mnths, its all very nice, maybe thats why im stamping my feet on the childish side of it as i like things as they are.
But the MAIN reason im here is my concern for her health and my family, all of us, the children, my children, my cousins who were very close to, my grandparents this isnt just her and him now, not when shes already been told its a bad idea by her gp!

Let me get this straight.

Your mum is 47.
Your step dad is 24
Your sister is 4, and a result of your step dad cheating on your mum, when he was 20? Then they married.

How does this make the 4 year old your sister, if your mum is not the mother, and you are not related to the 4 year old girls father?

How come YOU are the legal guardian, and not the childs birth mother?

Quint- my mum got pregnant BY him when she discovered he was cheating, she never let him know she knew just 'trapped him'

Ah. I see. It seems your mum has some issues, if she gets pregnant by a 20 year old, a man more than half her own age at the time, to "capture" him.

I dont know what to advice.

No one does, the whole familys just kind of shrugged there shoulders with mouths wide open, we are all at a loss of what to do or say, of course she wants hugs kisses and congratulations to convince her shes wonderfully stupid wonderful and doing the right thing

Beanies, firstly YANBU about the situation you find yourself in. And I don't really see you as angry, just scared stiff. Your mum is putting her health/life at risk and you may find yourself the 'mother' of 5 when you consider 2 completes your family. So not only are you scared for your mother but she's backed you into a corner over your siblings - it's in the will (ffs!). Is it any wonder that in your fear and in your corner you lash out at the author of the drama?

Your mum's behaviour also looks to be riddled with fear. I think she may have texted you in shock - possibly not even sure she'd be able to talk without crying? She went to the GP thinking she was menopausal, she came out pregnant and having been advised to terminate. I know I'd be in shock with that (I'm ballpark her age and have recently gone to see GP for perimenopause, I've tried to imagine how I'd've reacted and I just can't). She told her H, who defaulted to "soo pleased", which is sort of the opposite to where the GP left her. So shocked and confused, she texts you because she needs you to help her. This then shocks you, so the both of you are now in the same boat and unable to communicate as you would normally do. Could this be what happened today?

I don't condone talking anybody into a termination, but with his "soo pleased" could this have talked your mother OUT of it, as it were? I'm not saying suggest it to her, but when you two do discuss it, it will be part of the conversation, she's been advised to do it by GP. You could just let her know that you would not think any the less of her if she did choose to terminate. Let the ball get back into her court, if she behaves as stupidly over her young H as the picture I have of her from this thread, his (more likely to be automatic than heartfelt) response may make her think she has no choice. Your support of her decision may help her realise that she does.

I fear her marriage is doomed, she will become a single mother at some point.

And you have to express your fears to her - your fears of being able to cope with 4/5 small children. It really isn't fair of her to not think to her children's long-term needs in this way.

It sounds to me like your mum has some jealousy issues going on with you - determined to have more babies than you do!

You are being a brat!

And yes, I saw that another pregnancy could potentially cost her her life.

If your post was all about how scared you are of her dying/being ill etc I would have more sympathy, but it is about how she is ruining your family & about how you don't want younger siblings.

If & when (hopefully she won't tho) she dies then it becomes your problem, until then you need to support her. She is pregnant, sounds scared & she sounds like her only worry is that YOU are pissed off!

Grow up & try support her!

Well just to say if my mum had had younger children than mine I would have been embarrassed,tbh.

In fact I´d be embarrassed at her having a boyfriend 3 yrs older than me and trapping him by getting pregnant.

To then get pregnant against medical advice-when she already has 2 by her new husband, would leave me speechless, tbh.

As for asking me to bring them up if she dies, I think I would be pointing out that they actually would still have a parent left.

I agree with diddl.

There is nothing bratish about OP. She is flustered, embarassed, exasperated, at having a mum like this. When you look at the entire scenario, I dont blame her at all for posting how she did.

Rather than just flaming her for her "outburst style" posting, try look at what she is saying, rather than how she is saying it. Might be a tad more supportive.

Beanie, hope you're feeling OK this morning.

Your mother sounds like a child. Does she have issues with ageing?

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a baby at 47, plenty of people do. I think there are concerns about your mother having another child whatever her age.

I think all you can do is be the grown up in the relationship and look out for her children. She sounds a nightmare.

We are away at the in laws at the mo so im getting some breathing space,

Im still feeling at a complete loss, i would very much like it if my aunt, who thinks my mum does no wrong hadnt retorted to my comment on there poor financial situation with, well you have a double buggy, surely you wont need it in a few months!!!! I am just expected by everyone to help, and i want to support my mum, and my mum ONLY, i will always be there for my brother and sister but at the moment theyre fine, in the future it may look different but until then im focusing on the problem in hand, First of all how the hell do i say i agree with the doctor, sod being a mum to 5, not having a mum is my main concern, despite the shitty picture of it all im very close to her, and dont want to fall out over anything, big or small, thats why im keeping back for now,

Maybe i am bratish, but it is embarrassing having strangers comment on my children and assume my sisters mine and she now replies shes my sister and then you get the oh your mums brave, well thats one way of putting it! I know i shouldnt care but i was bullied horrendously at school and college about it so im a bit tense over comments,
She has also sent sister and will my brother to my catchment school so i will deal with it again there!!!

Sorry im selfish but my babies come first and we chose two, despite our wishes for a large family, as we have a very small house and car, and couldnt afford more! After a few troubles with jobs health and general life we were on top of the world and back on our feet financially and mentally.

My instant feeling is to say to her do as you want, she usually does regardless of any ones opinions even health professionals, but dont expect my help, but i cant stick to that because of my siblings, and she is my mum, but i dont want her to think im a doormat and will keep running back and picking up the pieces, So how do i do this????

And may i add,
despite the sometimes embarrassment and difficulty's, i adore my brother and sister and supported her 100% with both, I was at both births, scans and generally showered both kids with love and attention and presents, i was thrilled at no longer being an only child but after the risk i feel enough's enough and she needs to be content!

Please keep us updated beanies. I really feel for you, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

My other aunt has been emailing me, saying mum cant decide what to do and no ones to tell anyone, And saying she needs my help to decide, i CANT make her decision i can tell her what id do in her situation (ive had two complicated sections and been told minimum of 5yrs gap for a safe delivery so i know how it feels to be scared and i had to take the morning after pill as i was 24hrs late with my pill but had that failed id have had to make the choice and both me and dp KNOW its horrible but we have a family that i cant be scared of leaving behind, this has added to our 2 only decision)and im scared should she chose to have a termination shes feel it was somehow my fault,

(why on earth cant my family communicate properly? obviously everyone's finding this as tough as i am?)

my poor grandmas really in a state as shes worried about everyone, so im going home to see shes ok, shes in her 60s and lives alone and no one seems to check up on her when theyre distracted, hopefully shes may be able to help me put everything in order and speak to mum.

I really cant make sense of where to start, luckily dp is a bloomin star and trying to help me think as much as possible

Thinking of you Beanie - your mum is very lucky to have you

I am not surprised you are worried ! I don't really know how to say the next thing without upsetting anyone.But at 47 and with underlying health problems ,it is quite likely that the pregnancy won't get very far anyway.
I think the jealousy thing about who has the youngest baby between you and your mum a bit difficult to understand TBH

Gosh, asking you for help to decide is dreadful,IMO, and I don´t think you should.

She´s an adult,she needs to face this herself.

Perhaps go with her to talk about problems she might face & make sure she listens, understands and makes her own decision.

And make sure she gets contraception sorted!

madame, im not jealous, just find it weird tbh! Dp has Decided if she has this one we have to choose another school for the children, which im unhappy about, but after the comments i got at school and extra 10minutes walk in the morning may be for the best!

diddl- I know i need to talk to her, shes just one of these people who when faced with the facts sayes it will never happen and goes into denial and is defensive, But she needs to be told that forgetting the health issues she has, she is finding the two she has hard and theyre always claiming theyre skint! I know shell have been spoon fed rubbish ideas by him, so ill doubt i can do much now, But if shes serious about keeping it, he needs to switch off the xbox and get down from his throne pull his finger our work more and tell her they cant afford it if shes sat at home
, i personally think she has more to avoid work, shes shy and didnt work when i was young as my dad wasnt around then she childminding for friends briefly before having my sister, Its all just seeming more and more childish, and im exhausted from it all!

Others may disagree and it´s not a position I´ve been in, so am guessing, but I think that by telling her husband and others about the baby she has decided to keep it.

I think beanie you are right about the practicalities needing sorting.

Such as making sure he´s working, and that she is willing to if necessary.

At the end of the day, she is not your responsibility.

I know she´s your mum,you love her & want to help, but she´s chosen her life.

Any help that you do give mustn´t be to the detriment of your own family, imo.

i visited her, thought it was the mature thing to do, she seems pretty pleased with herself!

I got upset and said the wrong things first that i want a proper mum and can she please stop now, and shes on the defence, hes a good husband, blah blah,

Basically shes keeping it, So what do i do now, im really upset and she wants me there to help her and im feeling well why should i! She told my brother, your too heavy for mummy to pick up, hes 1 ffs!!! and its her bloody fault hes 'heavy'