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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a sibling younger than my own children?????

116 replies

beaniesinthebucketagain · 12/10/2009 14:48

I know i probably am, as most of you will think its none of my business,

Im 21 i have a 26mnth and 10mnth old ds and dd, My mum recently re married to someone i choose not to spend time around after he hit my son, I still see my mum often we are and always have been close she has my sister 4 and brother one with her new husband, she admits she had my brother through jealousy that i had ds! It caused alot of friction in the family,
Whilst pregnant with my brother she was extremely ill and we nearly lost her several times, when he was born i had to step in and care for him as she was in recovery for 48hrs!
Ive since had my dd, and mum had said she could never have another due to health and how hard it is for her keeping up with the kids, plus she cant be a proper grandma!
She has just texted me;

Please dont be angry, im pregnant, ive told (husband) and hes soo soo pleased i dont know what to think, i know youll be pissed because youve finished your family.

Well yes i am pissed, im sorry but shell be lucky to survive it, she has text again saying she doesnt want it but he does and so on, Im just angry i feel like shes ruining my family ive completed i already get comments from strangers about having far younger siblings and so on, and i simply DONT want a sibling younger than my own youngest child

Its been agreed that im legal gaurdian to siblings, as her husband is just useless hes said if she died, hed be a weekend dad and me sole carer this is all agreed in the will, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT!!!! obviously, without a second thought id care for them, i adore them both but im 21 i have two of my own and i want to enjoy them, is she not being a bit selfish doing as she pleases and bugger the consequences for her children and grandchildren that are here, shes heading toward 50, she should be a bit more responsible!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 17:30

I don't think that you get that argument the other way around. A grandparent doesn't say to their DC, you can't have more than 2 DCs because if you get run over by a bus I don't want to look after more than that! It should be one rule for all.

Purplebuns · 12/10/2009 17:33

Hi, I think you are getting a lot of flakk here. You are bound to be feeling upset and annoyed and probably a little shocked.
I feel sorry for you, and your mum, She is obviously in a really tough situation.
But so are you.
I would just take a deep breath,
Your mum isn't ill from pg yet, it may not even happen.
You are not having to have 5 children yet. Just wait and see how this situation goes.
It is your mum's choice, I suggest you try and have a quiet chat, no DC or OH, just the two of you and see how she feels about it all deep down. (and check she isn't being too pressured from her oh!)
And you can tell her what you think but don't be too hard on her. Just support her, it is all you can do.
Anything that else happens you can deal with it.

I too on occaison have to be a mum to my mum and my siblings.

megapixels · 12/10/2009 17:34

pisces, I don't think anyone makes any kind of life decisions based on whether they'd be run over by a bus. But they do (and rightly so) make decisions based on their health.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 12/10/2009 17:36

Exactly right megapixels!

Original poster
beaniesinthebucketagain · 12/10/2009 17:37

Thank you purplebuns calm and to the point, Its made me pause for breath and stop my brain from buzzing around.

think im going to switch of for a while enjoy the hour before the babies go to bed and think for a while,

We are going to the in laws for the day tomorow, (theyre 3hrs away) and i hadnt told my mum, just forgot, hope she doesnt think its a knee jerk reaction, she hates them!

OP posts:
juneybean · 12/10/2009 17:51

I'm more blown away that your 43 year old mother was shagging her 20 year old boyfriend (in order to conceive your sister)

B1984 · 12/10/2009 17:52

beanie,you sound very mature and grown up,you
are doing a great job with your dc plus your siblings!
yes,you cant tell your mum what to do,but she is behaving really immature and selfish. she knows shes in a bad relationship,she knows there is a big health risk and there is a risk of her dying(and you becoming a guardian of all her children).
there seem to be reversal of roles here,you being the mum and her being your daughter.
i really feel for you,you need to tell your mum how you feel.
YANBU

Original poster
beaniesinthebucketagain · 12/10/2009 18:27

she text again, saying if i didnt reply shed come round as she was worried about us? so i text we are all ok, not wanting to discuss all this by text and shes saying she wants to talk to me, she knows i have to put the kids to bed, well daddy is but still, ill have to go up when they come out of the bath, its like shes forgotten about everything and is completely wrapped up in herself! Thinking of offering to have my sister for a few days, cant imagine shes having much fun atm poor girl!

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 12/10/2009 19:30

She sounds very immature. You will be pissed off that she his having another baby because you have finished your family? What's this, you take it in turns to have a baby because the other one has?

freakname · 12/10/2009 19:47

YANBU

The worrying thing is she had a tough time delivering the last one and what's to say this one is going to be plain sailing? (Fingers crossed it all is of course )
OP is legal guardian if anything should happen so could potentially end up raising 5 children?
When you become a mum yourself it's only natural to want your own mother to play the doting grandmother role.
However she is being robbed of this because the mother has even younger DCs to care for.
I struggle to see how she can even be in grandother mode at all.

freakname · 12/10/2009 19:48

grandmother

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 12/10/2009 20:11

I think your mother despite being almost 50 needs to grow up.

Having more children cause she is jealous that you have them is stupid, having a child at her age is not clever and if she was very ill last time round it is really careless.
If she is keeping it because her husband wants it then he need to re think being a weekend dad and you being lumbered if she dies.

You need to say that if she wants to have more children it is her choice, but you are not going to look after them, you look after your own children and that is your choice.

vvvodka · 12/10/2009 20:13

ive only read op, and whilst i think its fine to feel the way you do, after all, feelings cant be helped, theres no point in getting all het up about it, because its not your decision to make.

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 12/10/2009 20:19

What happens if you refuse to do the school runs? And not mother them all?
I think you need to tell her if she wants to have babies she needs to raise them

SCARYspicemonster · 12/10/2009 20:25

Can we stop with the ageism on this thread please? There is nothing intrinsically wrong with having a child at your mum's age, lots of women do. It's stupid to have a child with a bloke who is a rubbish father and if it's going to kill you, whatever age you are but it has sod all to do with the fact that she's 47.

Your mum does sound very selfish beanie but you railing against her having a child who is younger than your youngest is a bit silly tbh. That isn't the point surely. You cannot expect her to step into the grandma role. It'd be nice if she would but given she's got two young children already, it wasn't going to happen any time soon in any case. The competitiveness between you isn't going to stop unless you start being the grown up because she clearly isn't going to be.

Sounds really rough on you though, I hope your ILs are a bit more supportive

PixiNanny · 12/10/2009 20:33

You are being U and not at the sme time. Unreasonable in that you don't want siblings younger than your kids, it's a bit silly IMO but then saying that, I have a six year old auntie, Mum's in her 40's and I'm 20 I love my little auntie to bits but at the same time, my Nan adopted her, rather than worry about health issues and whatnot. But little auntie is gorgeous and I don't think any of the family regret my Nan's decision one bit to adopt her, she's a very welcome addition to our family and has many people who love her beyond anything and as a second child, in my grandparent's other children's cases. (Just to give a nice insight into family members being younger )

Reasonable in that you obviously care about her welfare and that of your children and siblings should her health fail during this pregnancy. I think it's completely disgusting of her partner to back out of parental responsibilities, how can he say he wants this child if he's made it so bloody obvious that he doesn't want anything to do with them should she pass away?! Sorry, but I think he's a dick and your Mum is left between a rock and a hard place on this one!

I would not want to have 4 (possibly 5) kids to look after at this age. I have none and am perfectly happy with that [for now]!

Georgimama · 12/10/2009 20:35

I agree with scary. Before proper birth control it was very common for a mother to still be having children when her older children were having children of their own. My father has a nephew older than him - his mother and father adopted him, his mother was 42 and his father was 27.

Being worried about your mother's health is a valid concern. Being worried that your step father is an arsehole and you might get saddled with their child is a valid concern. Being resentful that your mother is stealing your baby thunder is not valid, it's silly.

There are plenty of women not much younger than your mum on MN conception boards having perfectly successful pregnancies. If she chooses to have this baby (and it sounds like she will) she will probably have consultant led care due to her age and previous problems.

moomaa · 12/10/2009 20:41

Poor you, I don't think you are being a brat at all, well, I would think the same if it was me in that situation. I don't think there's anything you can do other than go with the flow and carry on being there for your brother and sister though.

Northernlurker · 12/10/2009 20:54

Obviously this isn't an ideal situation and nobody likes having to take on another's responsibilities because they've been feckless BUT this is your mother and your siblings. Yes you may be the only adult in the family, yes you have your own family to love and look after, yes you've made sensible decisions in the face of her daftness, yes your stepdad sounds like an utter waste of space - but none of that changes the fact that family is about supporting and caring for one another. Even with her past history it is still unlikely that your mum will die. Maternal death is a rare event. It's far more likely of course that useless will bugger off, your mum will fail to cope and you'll end up with a whole load of extra caring to do. But that's family, that's what it's for. You may feel you've got a shit hand - tough, play the hand you're dealt. I would say exactly the same to your mum were the positions reversed. Being angry about this does nothing to improve the situation. Ask her if you can attend her medical appointments too so you are clear on what can be donw to help her health and pin that useless tosser up against a wall and make it very clear to him that if he lets your mum or your siblings down you will have his guts for garters! You CAN do this. You don't want to but you can make it ok.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 12/10/2009 21:01

Good post there northernlurker!

Original poster
beaniesinthebucketagain · 12/10/2009 21:18

thank you northern lurker!

I know i will come round, i did with the last two! Its just VERY different this time.

Just rang my grams (the voice of reason)
she rang my grandma crying saying shes been advised a termination, surely thats a sign its really risky??

Im no expert obviously but shes not making me want to say mum your doing the right thing keeping it, morally yes, but for her sake, the babys sake and the little ones it seems shes not!

OP posts:
BannyFucket · 12/10/2009 21:22

YANBU to be concerned for her health but YABU and selfish to not want a sibling [younger than your own.

Northernlurker · 12/10/2009 21:27

It is very scary - but you don't actually have to tell her what you think she should do. That's her decision. You just need to let her know you will love and support her (whilst reserving the right to say 'honestly, Mother.......' and roll your eyes a fair bit!)

As far as a termination is concerned - she needs to see her hospital consultant for a proper assessment of the risks. I think she needs that appointment soon and you should go if she is happy for you to do so. You need to write down questions - what is the risk of her dying? What is the risk of premature labour? How would they manage her condition? What can she do to help herself? What are the risks of terminating - because that's a factor too. Her GP may have given her some thoughts but she needs an obstetrician (sp?) and prferably one with a lot of experience in treating older mums or treating mums with whatever her complication is - that's another question for you to ask.

VicarInaBooTu · 12/10/2009 21:32

just reading through and i agree with Wannabe on the previous page.

you sound like the grown up in your family. id let her do whatever she wants to do but id make it clear that if she chooses to continue having kids she has to be responsible for them, and so does their (loser) father. your mother doesnt sound like she is terribly sensible in her choices, if my husband said if anything happened to me he wouldnt want his own kids id string him up by the balls...
your SF sounds a tosspot. if your worried it will be you left holding the babies id speak to them both now, before she has this one. why should your family suffer? thats not to sound callous, and im sure you want to help out but id put my foot down at being their main carer, she has put you in a difficult situation.
it doesnt matter a jot that your sibs will be younger than your own DC, it matters that she is expecting you to pick up the slack when her husband should be.

twolittlemonkeys · 12/10/2009 22:10

I agree that she needs to really assess all the risks and think seriously about whether she can put her children through it, should the worst happen. Try not to bring the fact that you'd rather not have siblings younger than your own children into the equation - that is basically irrelevant.

Sounds like you need a good chat with her in person, without your waste of space stepdad or the children around. It may be that she personally feels she can't cope with another pregnancy but is being pressured into it, at the risk of her health by this selfish irresponsible manchild husband.

Oh and in answer to your actual question I think YANBU to be concerned, though obviously it is up to her to make this decision, even if she is being inconsiderate of her family and the impact her decisions may have.