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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a sibling younger than my own children?????

116 replies

beaniesinthebucketagain · 12/10/2009 14:48

I know i probably am, as most of you will think its none of my business,

Im 21 i have a 26mnth and 10mnth old ds and dd, My mum recently re married to someone i choose not to spend time around after he hit my son, I still see my mum often we are and always have been close she has my sister 4 and brother one with her new husband, she admits she had my brother through jealousy that i had ds! It caused alot of friction in the family,
Whilst pregnant with my brother she was extremely ill and we nearly lost her several times, when he was born i had to step in and care for him as she was in recovery for 48hrs!
Ive since had my dd, and mum had said she could never have another due to health and how hard it is for her keeping up with the kids, plus she cant be a proper grandma!
She has just texted me;

Please dont be angry, im pregnant, ive told (husband) and hes soo soo pleased i dont know what to think, i know youll be pissed because youve finished your family.

Well yes i am pissed, im sorry but shell be lucky to survive it, she has text again saying she doesnt want it but he does and so on, Im just angry i feel like shes ruining my family ive completed i already get comments from strangers about having far younger siblings and so on, and i simply DONT want a sibling younger than my own youngest child

Its been agreed that im legal gaurdian to siblings, as her husband is just useless hes said if she died, hed be a weekend dad and me sole carer this is all agreed in the will, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT!!!! obviously, without a second thought id care for them, i adore them both but im 21 i have two of my own and i want to enjoy them, is she not being a bit selfish doing as she pleases and bugger the consequences for her children and grandchildren that are here, shes heading toward 50, she should be a bit more responsible!

OP posts:
VineGruesomeTits · 12/10/2009 15:41

Why wouldn't i? i was 34 when i had ds2 and he was unplanned, like i say accidents happen, she needs support not telling off

CommonNortherner · 12/10/2009 15:42

YANBU at all.

If the risk of her dying is that great you need to be blunt with her.

I am not surprised you are feeling all mixed up and emotional given that you could lose your mum, and 3 other children, much much younger, could lose their mum. She is, in effect, choosing a man over her very small children and that would be hard to take.

Also, that text seems to suggest what... you would be what? jealous because you've finished your family? Rather than to be upset because of the chance of death??

mabh · 12/10/2009 15:43

Beanie - try to find out exactly what the risk is to your mum, and what would be done about any complications that happen. Your mum should be finding that out, and if she's gone as far as telling you what's in her will (which I find cruel), then she needs to share the detail with you.

Perhaps the problem she had last time won't re-occur, or now they now she's prone, it'll be handled better.

Lots of women have babies later, and always have had, so maybe there's no need to be so very upset - try to check things out.

Not sure about her hubbie - thank goodness she has a nice daughter.

wannaBe · 12/10/2009 15:44

firstly, what kind of person texts their daughter to tell them they are pregnant? You say you are close, yet your mother doesn't even have the sensitivity to come and talk to you about this face-to-face - she does it through texts.

Secondly, if she A, knew that another pregnancy could be dangerous for her and B, already knew that her current husband had no interest in being a father to her children if something happened to her, then why the fuck was she not using contraception? Yes accidents happen but we're talking about a woman who had a baby only a year ago - you don't go from having a baby one day to going through the change and totally unable to conceive the next.

IMO your mother is being totally selfish and irresponsible and should be persuaded to have a termination, for the sake of her other children if nothing else.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 12/10/2009 15:45

Does anyone really need to be rude to the OP with comments like "I think you need to get over yourself" ??

She is only 21 herself with 2 young kids of her own & the very real possibility that she could have 2 or possibly 3 more to look after if her mum goes ahead with this pregnancy.

Yes, accidents can happen, but shouldn't if her mum & stepdad (if you can call him that at only 3 years older than the OP ) had taken extra precautions seeing as there was the huge risk to her mum's life should she fall pregnant again.

Sorry, but if I had had such a hard time with my last one (which I sort of did as suffered from Pre-eclamsia & was in hospital for 2 weeks before having him), I would (and do!) make sure I was using a couple of forms of contraception just to be on the safe side as I never want to go through that again.

To the OP - I do not think YABU for worrying about your Mum's health, or for worrying about the fact that ultimately the responsibility of your siblings is likely to fall to you if, god forbid, something happened to your Mum during this pregnancy. I also think YANBU to not want siblings younger than your own kids. I'm sure this would be a natural reaction for many people in your situation.

FWIW - Your mums hubby sounds like a dick !!!

Disenchanted3 · 12/10/2009 15:45

MY husband has a half-brother who is younger than our 2 boys (but older than our baby girl)

His dad and new wife are planning another baby soon, DH is soooo excited at the thought of another baby brother or sister.

YABU to think you have a right to have a say in whether they have more children, its nothing to do with you.

YANBU to be worried about your mums health.

Original poster
beaniesinthebucketagain · 12/10/2009 15:48

With the text-
ive said to her messing around (As i never ever thought this would happen) i dont want a sibling younger than beanie, i actually dont, but in the grand scheme of things that really doesnt bloody matter, shes always been dead serious tom was the last, due to how scared she was for her health after him, she is still ridiculously unfit and unhealthy and without the previous issues i cant imagine a pregnancy being easy in her situation! She already has to ask me to do most of school runs and when we are together i always end up being mum to all of them , i cant see why shed put her self through it!

Vine- apologies, i shouldn't have judged your comment so harshly!

Im taking my two for a walk to clear my head, hopefully something will make sense soon and ill know what to do or say!

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 12/10/2009 15:51

I think many posters are confusing the OP's inital AIBU question of:

"AIBU to not want a sibling younger than my own children?"

with

"AIBU to think I have the right to tell my Mum that I don't want siblings younger than my own kids?"

If she had asked the 2nd question, then yes, she would be being unreasonable, but as she in fact only asked if she was being unreason to not want siblings younger than her own kids, then no, I don't think she is being unreasonable as she cannot help how she feels.

BobbingForPeachys · 12/10/2009 15:58

I have to totally disagree withw wannabe that someone should ever be persuaded to ahve a termination; I know if I were talked into one (am faitrlye asuily talked into things) I would do it and it would be the end of me- just the way I think on terminations etc

This is comlex, I think you have to separate your fear for your Mum which is reasonable and understandable from your annoyance. I also have 4 and whilst I am older, again only my aprents can offer guardianship etc (due to SN in opur case) and yet I have to understand that they have a right to make their own decisions too and I can not rely on anyone like that- they could dropdead tomorrow after all, theya re certainly and obviously likely to die before me (Dad is 65 tomorrow).

I don't know what con dition your Mum has, but I would google for a supporet organsiation and see if they ahve an info line, get some informed (GP's are after all agtekeepers rather than experts on all conditions) advice on the effects- science moves forwards and new things become ever safer. Get the inof before addressing the rest.

mabh · 12/10/2009 16:00

Try to keep calm, beanie, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

Scotia · 12/10/2009 16:01

Yes YABU to not want a sibling younger than your own children, which is what you asked in the title of the post.

Health and guardianship issues are a different matter and you are not being unreasonable to worry about those. However, it's her decision whether to continue with the pregnancy or not.

TheHeadlessWombat · 12/10/2009 16:04

I'm with Peachy on that. No one should ever try to talk another person into having a termination.
I'm pro choice but it should their decision either way and no one should try to influence them. It isn't right.

JemintheGraveyardwithghouls · 12/10/2009 16:09

OP sounds like there are a lot of things going on here for you.

I don't think it's fair to call her brattish at all- I think you have been pretty candid about the way you feel and that is always difficult.

How far along is your mum?

wannaBe · 12/10/2009 16:09

you're right of course.

But what if op said that she wasn't prepared to be her sibling's legal guardian - that surely wouldn't be unreasonable would it?

TheHeadlessWombat · 12/10/2009 16:12

No it wouldn't be unreasonable imho. I don't think it's something that anyone should be obligated to do.

TheHeadlessWombat · 12/10/2009 16:13

And I would make it obvious that it won't be happening.

TrillianSlasher · 12/10/2009 16:14

YANBU to not want siblings younger than your own children

YABU to think you can tell your mother to not have children for this reason

YANBU to wish that your mum wasn't pregnant if it's such a health risk

YANBU to think that your stepfather is a cock

Your mother is being ridiculous to get pregnant under the circumstances described (health issues, husband not wanting to be a father, etc)

But you can either be supportive and helpful (and try to act like the mature one out of the two of you, however wrong that seems) or you can sulk and ruin your relationship with her.

diddl · 12/10/2009 16:22

But if the OPs mother is likely to die, then it heavily involves the OP.

She could end up as a mother of 5!

Scotia · 12/10/2009 16:24

It still doesn't give her the right to dictate to her mother whether she should be allowed to carry on with the pregnancy. And she doesn't have to take on the children if her mother dies.

piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 16:30

I think you have to treat people the way that you would like to be treated. If you wouldn't want your mother dictating your choices for you, which I imagine that you wouldn't, then you have to let her make her own choices-however much you disagree.

BarakObamasTransitVan · 12/10/2009 16:35

Scotia Beanie doesn't have a right to dictate whether or not her mother should be allowed to continue with this pg, but her mother has an obligation to take into account the wellbeing of her existing dcs - including of course the mother of her grandchildren. And that means listening to beanie if she expresses that she wants her to have a termination.
IMO she (her mother, not beanie) is being horribly childish here. It must be pretty bloody horrible for her but even so - she needs to grow up and put her dcs before her twat of a dp.
beanie - I can't imagine how you're feeling

diddl · 12/10/2009 16:44

I wasn´t try to say that Beanie can tell her mother what to do.

But I think she can expresses her worries should the pregnancy continue.

mrshibbins · 12/10/2009 16:56

I'm 47 and would be a mixture of appalled and delighted if I found out I was pregnant now - and it's not out of the question as I still ovulate on the dot every month.

It's entirely up to your mother. Her life. Her body. Her decision.

megapixels · 12/10/2009 17:19

Well on starting to read your OP I was shocked at just how brattish you sounded, as if your mother has an obligation to abide by your rules or something, but towards the end I changed my mind. If it's already decided that it's you who will be the kids' primary carer on her death and added to that the fact that she isn't in the pink of health for this pg, then of course your say matters. So YANBU, I have limited my family to only two children too, I would hate to be foisted with extra kids by someone who has a known health risk.

Original poster
beaniesinthebucketagain · 12/10/2009 17:27

I wouldnt tell her to have a termination, i doubt i could even hint at it, i was less than impressed that she announced her pregnancy whilst my ds was fighting for life in scbu, yet i adore my brother, after all the poor sod didnt ask to be born why blame him, and i know had i said anything it would haunt me, and ruin our relationship, I love my mum but there is only so many times i can forgive and forget,since starting her recent relationship (she met him through me) she has changed, become more concerned about him than anyone else even herself and been rude and nasty when anyone trys to care about her, she is fine when away from him.

i feel disappointed, me and my mum had been more close than in a few years since my youngest was born, im and concerned, my little sister has found things tough since brother arrived, and has increasingly worried me, asking to stay here when her dads on morning shifts (meaning hes at home when she is whereas evening shifts hes home while shes in school leaves just before shes home)i allow her when possible i doubt theres anything underhand happening just the whole atmosphere when hes there isnt pleasant.
I feel like im going round in circles, still have no idea what to say, ive so far ignored her text, i figured if she was so concerned about my feelings shed have atleast rang, texts are just so oh i dont know, theyre just not the most suitable form of communication in this situation are they?

I know im being selfish as i mainly thinking of how it will impact me, but its not like im thinking oh ill loose a babysitter Im thinking we might loose our mum!

And if im honest, im probably being slightly more unreasonable than i would be usually as she didnt talk to me for a month when i fell pg with my eldest (fair enough i was young it was a shock) but she said i was 'pushing (brother) out of the cradle' when i fell with youngest, actually we wanted a close gap so when they begin school i can continue my training, never wanted an only child or huge gap! So those words are in my head and im thinking why should i be nice and thoughtful when i just had a baby, i didn't endanger my health or risk causing major distress to my whole family,

She is still texting me, im failing to see why, when we talk alot throughout the day, she cant pick up the phone or come round???

I feel like im the mum here, with a silly teenager whos got pregnant, the young side of me is screaming to pack the car and get away from it all for a few days and come back with a clear head, to scared to speak incase i say the wrong things, as ive seen already its easy to say something innocently and it come across nasty and controlling!

OP posts: