to have told DSS it is OK to lie to his mother?

[mmrred]

Wasn't sure whether to put this here but do want genuine opinions...

My DSS has just spent the w/end with us and my DH took him swimming, a fairly regular activity. This morning before they went, DSS was on the phone to his Mum (we have to make him phone morning and night) and I heard him say he was going swimming and then somehting about arm-bands.

I was confused as he hasn't needed to wear arm-bands for over a year, so I asked him about it - it turns out his Mum was telling him he had to wear arm-bands and not go in any water deeper than his chest and not to go on the water slides...and he was blithely agreeing with her and telling her what she wanted to hear.

I told him I didn't like him to fib to his Mum (or at all) and he said he didn't want to upset her. So then I didn't know what to say. I told him I understood how difficult it was for him and that bottom line he was making that decision (to lie) but that I didn't want him to lie to me or his Dad.

And now I'm really confused and not sure if I did the right thing.

i don't alienate from seeing his father at all, infact, i incourage it when his dad can't be bothered, so you are wrong.

Everyone is answering it from their personal perspective-it has gone a long way from OP, who only wants to know if she handled the telephone call in the right way.

Brick wall. Talking to.

Can't be arsed any more.

mmrred, I really hope you sort things out ok with your step son. It sounds an incredibly challenging environment and hopefully with time it will get easier.

But I wonder though. O.P, is she just a completely unreasonable persona, or is there some kind of bitter history between all 3 of you? Did she still love DH before you came along?

Trying to understand the reason behind the unusual behaviour.

I don't think it unusual-she likes control and it is taken away from her.

ffs! How kind... You encourage your brilliant (Your words, remember???) Ex when he can't be bothered.

Doesn't sound too brilliant to me.

Think you are a bit confused, love.

At least I'm honest enough to own up to a messed up Ex!!!

Not sure what your battle is, if you have the perfect ex / life???

I very much appreciate all the comments and points of view, and have no problem with taking comments about myself - I posted on AIBU to get as wide a range of viewpoints as possible, but could I ask

Sorry - hit the wrong button! Could I ask thesunshinesbrightly not to use words like 'nutter', please, particularly as I have said that Mum has mental health issues.

mmrred...

You are in a difficult position so I think, something, posting on AIBU is the best thing you can do... you DO get a wide PoV which is good!!

I think you sound like a pretty cool SM!

2kidsandi - I don't think she is completely unreasonable, but the mental problems (OCD) cloud the issue very much - sometimes I think she genuinely can't help it. She never lived with DH and they had a very difficult relationship and the baby wasn't planned. She didn't really want DH involved at all, and although he tried everything else he could think of, he finally had to go to court 6 months after they had split up. (When DSS was only 1)

I wasn't involved at all in the split and in fact have only seen her twice (in 6 years)- both times she threatened me with physical violence in front of DSS.

Thanks everyone else, too - have had a lot of support from FNF, they are great. We might have to try and vary the court order at some point but right now we just want a quiet life!

Now that you've explained that O.P. it's clear that there really isn't anything you could have done to handle the situation better. In fact I take back what I said earlier, as you're obviously a very concerned and concientious SM and you sound like you've been putting up with a lot. Your DSS is very lucky to have you

Anyway, just to revert to the original question for a second... I think you handled the issue in the only (i.e. best) way you could have. Your DSS seems to have worked out his own strategies for dealing with his mother. That's up to him, I guess, but I don't think you were particularly out of order making it clear to him that, whilst you understood, you won't accept him lying to you. Your house, your rules.
Although next time, I might go deaf when he's on the phone to his mum!

I think you handled it fine, it's important DSS knows he doesn't need to lie to you and his father and you made that point.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, perhaps you or your DH could ring her and explain that DS is doing 'great' at swimming and you thought she should know what a talented boy she's got and it may be worth starting his lessons again (just jibber jabber so she gets the jist that he's a good swimmer) or just tell her straight that he doesn't need armbands anymore and he is very able on the waterslides and you keep a close eye on him.

But all's well as long as he knows he can confide in both of you, and his mum is happy feeling she is in control.

I had missed the point that she had mental health problems-in that case she isn't going to be rational. I would just make sure that you don't listen into the conversation in future, turn a deaf ear and leave it to DSS.

i said my ex's girlfriend is brilliant, can you read that!!!

Harimosbroomstick the only one that is confused is you.

I posted quickly in support and ran to watch X Factor last night .... except I couldn't have been looking at what I was doing properly as part of my post is missing and my very flippant comment was probably less than helpful! Sorry.

I would have done what you did and would have explained it in the same way, and I think the advice to avoid hearing phone calls in future is good.

The thing about raising it with her could lead to all sorts of aggro. You could get accused of deliberately listening in his calls, or it could turn into a battle over whether he should wear armbands or not and, and your dss will be in the middle of that. We always found that it was best to completely avoid raising anything other than really important things and avoid any potential for conflict wherever possible.

I agree with 2kidz about not letting children play parents off against each other, but unfortunately when one party is not willing to talk to the other or work with them there is little you can do.

Oh and I agree with SSB too! As a stepmum I don't have any "rights", but that doesn't mean I don't have a part to play in dsd's life. I simply cannot be "nothing to do with her" because she spends so much time with us, and has been part of my life for longer than dd. I'm not her mum, but I'm a significant adult in her life and as such play a part in her upbringing.

o.p- too you, stop making out she is then o.k.

Do you know, I didn't bother reading all your posts. And, I'm really quite pleased I didn't... cos you've contradicted yourself more times than I care to count!!

You dislike step parents, yet your Ex'sGFis brilliant................ Whatever. Iguess this is because she doesn't stick her nose into your child's life.

Do you know, I can't even be bothered to explain that if someone is going to be looking after your child, then caring about that child is probably a good thing. I really just can't be bothered with you and your stupid attitudes.

And I have no interest in you trying to explain how your ex's GF is great, but you hate all SMs, so please don't bother yourself on my behalf.

I love my DSDs. It's different to the love I have for my DC, but no less intense. I'd move heaven and earth for my DSDs happiness / security and I'm not really too bothered anymore about their mothers view on it.

stop making things up god your awful arent you.

You are... you're... not your.

are not... aren't... not arent

oh belive me, i am not bothered at all by you, i will pull people up when they say something i havent said.

I'm not really too bothered anymore about their mothers view on it.

my point exactly about stepparents.