to have told DSS it is OK to lie to his mother?

[mmrred]

Wasn't sure whether to put this here but do want genuine opinions...

My DSS has just spent the w/end with us and my DH took him swimming, a fairly regular activity. This morning before they went, DSS was on the phone to his Mum (we have to make him phone morning and night) and I heard him say he was going swimming and then somehting about arm-bands.

I was confused as he hasn't needed to wear arm-bands for over a year, so I asked him about it - it turns out his Mum was telling him he had to wear arm-bands and not go in any water deeper than his chest and not to go on the water slides...and he was blithely agreeing with her and telling her what she wanted to hear.

I told him I didn't like him to fib to his Mum (or at all) and he said he didn't want to upset her. So then I didn't know what to say. I told him I understood how difficult it was for him and that bottom line he was making that decision (to lie) but that I didn't want him to lie to me or his Dad.

And now I'm really confused and not sure if I did the right thing.

Surfermum - I couldn't agree more. When my DSDs are here, this is their home. We ensure they have bedrooms here, they have keys to our house etc.,

If (as Mrs Jammi rightly said) there is a problem - FGS! Of COURSE you would speak to the adult. Issuing orders to a child is just placing them in the middle of the conflict and MAKING them choose. Shitty parenting, IMHO.

My DSDs are part of my family. I am, and always will be, impressed at the ease with which my DSDs and my DC interact.. An ease, I'm happy to admit, I never really shared with my DSDs, even though we are close.

I am equally happy to admit that the love I have for my DSDs is different to the love I have for my DC... But (as I said yesterday) it's no less intense, it's just different because they have a mum who (whatever I think of her or she me!) loves them.

I have to say, though, for the last few years, I have made my DH make EVERY decision for DSDs. I will go along with what he says, but I will not make decisions for them. I find that does work better.

I take the responsibility (and priviledge) of being in a parental or caring role for someone else's child very seriously, Anonymouslady. As Mrs Jammi says, when you have your own children as well, it becomes very complicated as it's important to be consistent with all of them - it's so easy for resentment between half and step siblings to start.

Every time our children go into different environments, though, they are governed by different sets of 'rules' designed to keep them safe, or to help them learn, or whatever. Most of us compromise.

As you say, Mums can't choose their child's step mum and it must be a huge leap of faith to trust the choice of their ex! But I think most of us respect the decisions of the child's mother, and father (I've had to bite my lip many times over my DH's decisions...) and a lot of us don't get much in the way of reciprocal respect.

However, bottom line, we all have limits and you wouldn't abide by a mother's decision if you felt it was unsafe/emtionally damaging for the child - the child's basic rights have to take priority.

Actually another situation has come up (and nothing to do with overhearing phonecalls as I'm determined to be deaf during those) so many, many thanks for all the support and opinions, and if anyone would take a look over in step parenting later on when I've had the chance to post about it(when I've cooked tea, got kids to bed etc etc) I'd really appreciate some more of the excellent advice.