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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told DSS it is OK to lie to his mother?

227 replies

mmrred · 11/10/2009 18:46

Wasn't sure whether to put this here but do want genuine opinions...

My DSS has just spent the w/end with us and my DH took him swimming, a fairly regular activity. This morning before they went, DSS was on the phone to his Mum (we have to make him phone morning and night) and I heard him say he was going swimming and then somehting about arm-bands.

I was confused as he hasn't needed to wear arm-bands for over a year, so I asked him about it - it turns out his Mum was telling him he had to wear arm-bands and not go in any water deeper than his chest and not to go on the water slides...and he was blithely agreeing with her and telling her what she wanted to hear.

I told him I didn't like him to fib to his Mum (or at all) and he said he didn't want to upset her. So then I didn't know what to say. I told him I understood how difficult it was for him and that bottom line he was making that decision (to lie) but that I didn't want him to lie to me or his Dad.

And now I'm really confused and not sure if I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmrred · 11/10/2009 21:49

D'oh, I get it. I did think about posting there but wondered if only other stepmums would see it and wanted to get a range of opinions because sometimes you really don't know if you've done the right thing (iyswim)

It is a shame about the swimming but if you have to get a court order so that you can take the little one swimming in the first place you don't expect it to be easy. We're hoping to find another activity at the right time that they can do instead.

Unfortunately there is virtually no communication between DH and his X, so it is very difficult as DSS is often put into difficult positions and expected to deal with adult issues - X has mental health problems - so it is very difficult to support him whilst at the same time trying to respect his mother's wishes (which I do try very hard to do, despite what I've said about this issue).

OP posts:
independiente · 11/10/2009 21:52

Why dn't you believe the OP, SSB? Because no mother can ever be in the wrong? No mother can ever slip up and put her own insecurities before her child's happiness, even if she does love him dearly? Not a wise idea to underestimate human complexity...

colditz · 11/10/2009 21:53

Thesun, the Op is the only person on this thread with any experience whatsoever of dealing with her stepson's mother so why would you assume she's lying?

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 21:53

ok I'm going to stick my oar in after all.

You know - it's considered the worst crime in the world for a step mother to criticise another mothers parenting skills.

If it's a mother criticising another mother - that's fair play .

The DS is 7 - I can VERY well believe that he had to be made to call his mother at the prescribed contact times......when DH and I were separated (for over a year) - we frequently had to push DS1 (then 7/8yrs old) to call the "absent" parent.

I could believe the mother has never taken him swimming..........I've taken DS1 3 times (he's 9), DS2 (nearly 6) 1 time, and DS3 (2.4yrs) 1 time (where we ended up sat at the side of the pool as he was hysterical when I tried to get him in the water

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 21:54

sorry should preview

"DS1 is" - not "The DS"

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/10/2009 21:58

who takes him to school?
who looks after this little lad when he's ill?
who takes him to the doctors?dentist?
who bathes him at night?
who tucks him up in bed at night?

yes it is a crime, you have no rights at all.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/10/2009 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/10/2009 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

independiente · 11/10/2009 22:00

TSSB, you're clearly very hurt, but an honest and genuine poster's plea for help isn't the place to get your relief. Thankfully, MN has some good places to go for everyone.

independiente · 11/10/2009 22:01

and I don't mean AIBU!

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 22:01

DH did all of the things you listed while we were separated - if he's had a woman he was with (he did for a short time) she'd have been involved in it too. In fact with DH the way he was then she'd probably have ended up doing most of it (he's a changed man now we're back together and I'm doing my damned hardest - and failing - to stop him doing those things when he's supposed to be taking it easy)

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/10/2009 22:02

your husband has rights, husband partners however do not.

remind me never to go on the part for step parents

argento · 11/10/2009 22:04

mmrred - I think you handled the situation as well as it could be handled given the circumstances. The poor kid is stuck in the middle and handling it as best he can without hurting either parent

I mean, you could have forced him to tell his mother the truth, upsetting her and causing more tension.

You basically told him that lying isn't right, but you understand why he did. I would have done the same.

colditz · 11/10/2009 22:05

TSSB

YOu're not helping yourself.

I'm sure you could d with support, but you are coming across as shrill and irrational. JUST the sort of mother that step-parents dread having to deal with - because God Himself wouldn't get it right for your child.

colditz · 11/10/2009 22:05

PS - am not step parent, I'm a parent.

I'm a reasonable parent.

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 22:08

if he's ended up hitching up with that woman (presuming we'd have divorced of course) then I would fully have expected her to take an active role in looking after my DS's while they were staying with them.

Is it any different if a step father does that stuff where the father has failed to step up to the plate? As I know a very dedicated step-father who does everything for his DSS - the father would be allowed to if he could get off his arse and take an active interest/role. But he's not interested so the step-father does the tucking up in bed, getting up in the morning, looking after when he's ill etc etc etc.

Or is it ok to attack the crap biological father, but not ok to attack the crap biological mother? They really DO exist you know - I know I'd be perfect bio-logical mother bashing material if we'd found ourselves in that position

I don't get up with the DS's in the night (well rarely)
I don't take them swimming
I don't do "arts and crafts" type stuff
I don't do baking (with them)
I smoke
ooooo I could go on and on and on..........

Just because a mother is the resident parent doesn't mean she's sweetness and light - I certainly wasn't when I was a single parent!

You do sound very bitter.

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/10/2009 22:11

I however love my ex's partner, she's great too good for my ex, she keeps her nose out, so you couldnt be more wrong.

TwoIfByScream · 11/10/2009 22:11

thesunshinesbrightly, I'm taking it that you have the same kind of rotten experiences that I have had regarding ex's new partner(s)?

So, with my own experiences in mind I have to ask the op - how well does the mother know you? If, like me, she has been kept in the dark and hasn't been allowed to speak to you (yes, really) then it is a big ask to be able to fully trust another person with your child. She will be over anxious and it wasn't perhaps the best choice of words to say you have to make her ds phone her - wow, knife to the heart or what!

At his age her ds will sometimes fib, but as an adult perhaps you should speak to the mother if you are truly concerned or if able to, have a wee chat with her that although he doesn't use arm bands he is okay.

It is a matter of trust.

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 22:16

but twoifby - it's perfectly normal for 7yr olds to have to be made to make phonecalls - even to their parents. (also perfectly normal for nearly 6yr olds and just turned 9yr olds too).

Dominique07 · 11/10/2009 22:17

I think the sun shines was saying - you're not his mum, they probably have a way of getting their relationship to work, don't worry about it!

So long as he is not lying to you or his dad while he is with you and you're doing what you can while he is in your care, you're doing the best you can. You can mention it to his Dad, who can decide if its worth talking to the mum.

Rindercella · 11/10/2009 22:22

Dominque, you are a very generous person

mmrred, you mentioned it to your DH. He thinks you did the right thing. I honestly do not believe you could have or should have done anything more.

I feel for you as these situations are always difficult and some people will also paint you as the wicked step mother, which you certainly do not sound like! Things like this remind me of how relieved I am that DSS is now an adult. Thankfully, situations do not last forever

TwoIfByScream · 11/10/2009 22:25

But the op doesn't have to mention it alwayslookingforanswers. I don't expect my dts to phone me when they stay over at their father's house but I'd feel mighty ticked off if I found out his gf was telling people (even on an anonymous forum) that they had to be made to phone me.

My dts are 7 1/2 by the by so I know what the age group is like for phonecalls and for fibs!

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 22:30

yes but the OP is expected to make the DSS call - as it's part of the court order.

To me it just read as part of the "story" of what happened - he called, because he has to, and blah blah blah was said.

Don't we all put slightly irrelevant bits into our posts?? (or is that just me )

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/10/2009 22:32

not because he has too, o.p said 'we have to make him' sounded like a dig too me.

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 22:33
  • well the OP also said that the phone calls was part of the court order in a later post.

So yes - if he's a reluctant phone call maker then she will have to (or her DH will) to keep his side of it up.

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