to have told DSS it is OK to lie to his mother?

[mmrred]

Wasn't sure whether to put this here but do want genuine opinions...

My DSS has just spent the w/end with us and my DH took him swimming, a fairly regular activity. This morning before they went, DSS was on the phone to his Mum (we have to make him phone morning and night) and I heard him say he was going swimming and then somehting about arm-bands.

I was confused as he hasn't needed to wear arm-bands for over a year, so I asked him about it - it turns out his Mum was telling him he had to wear arm-bands and not go in any water deeper than his chest and not to go on the water slides...and he was blithely agreeing with her and telling her what she wanted to hear.

I told him I didn't like him to fib to his Mum (or at all) and he said he didn't want to upset her. So then I didn't know what to say. I told him I understood how difficult it was for him and that bottom line he was making that decision (to lie) but that I didn't want him to lie to me or his Dad.

And now I'm really confused and not sure if I did the right thing.

I kind of agree with thesunshiningbrightly. Bottomline is no parent is perfect, step or otherwise and children will all lie at times. You were right to tell him lying is wrong, but IMO you, as the adult, should have immediately rung her back and explained the situation. So she might have been peed. That is where DH comes in.

And if she still didn't like it, well then that is for your DH to have the balls and say to her "Like it or lump it, I am responsible for DS welfare when he's with me, he has no problem swimming etc" If she doesn't like it that's between them. But it's important for DDS to learn that he can't play his parents or keep secrets when he's at either household.

Trust is important.

I think the fact that his mum is MAKING him phone twice a day tells you all you need to know about this situation. She wants to feel in control of her son when she isn't physically with him.

She wants to feel in control and isn't. She doesn't like the idea of her son going swimming with his dad and SM (hence the whole raft of orders and demands)

The second fact - that the son doesn't feel able to speak up to his mother - tells you that the son feels totally dominated by his mum and will likely be in trouble with her if her orders and demands aren't met.

Certainly, that's the case with my two DSDs. Their mother is simply impossible (and, yes, we still have the 'you have to call me' orders - even though half the time she doesn't pick up if she's busy)

I wouldn't condone telling a child it's OK to lie to a parent (or anyone else) but when the child is placed in a totally impossible position, I'd really like to hear the alteratives.

The only acceptable alternative in my situation would be that my DH pays ££££££££££££ for his kids and never sees them. That's the only acceptable solution in his ex's eyes... But I doubt his kids would think that was acceptable in years to come. In fact, even now, as the kids get older, they have a very good idea of which parent is being totally unreasonable.

OP - I think you did the best you could in what is a pretty impossible situation.

"The second fact - that the son doesn't feel able to speak up to his mother - tells you that the son feels totally dominated by his mum and will likely be in trouble with her if her orders and demands aren't met."

No, it tells you that he is having to negotiate things with his mum and lie to keep the peace, because all the parents in his life find it difficult communicating and working things out with each other. Kids aren't stupid. If he knows mum and dad are going to have a row over every triviata then they will lie, not because mummy's an irrational controlling cow - as some people here are implying - but because they just want everyone to get on.

She's demanding to be called twice each day and barking orders down the phone to her son.

I am sure she doesn't expect her son's father to call her twice a day when she has her son.

And I am equally sure she doesn't expect to be told what she can do with her son and how she can do it.

The fact that she is having this conversation with her 7YO son, and not a reasonable discussion with his father (along the lines of 'please make sure he's not out of his depth / not left alone' etc) tells me she is an irrational controlling cow.

If she was at all reasonable she would not be extracting meaningless promises from a child. She would be discussing her issues with his father.

and I promise you with the certainty that night followss day: She DEFINITLY doesn't take the time out of her day to have her son call his dad, or take time to update her son's father on her son's day.

The fact that the father is willing to undertake this task (and, having been through a sitation of having to call my DSD's mum twice a day at set time (not 5 to 10, not 5 past 10 10 on the nose or there would be trouble. Same at 7pm in the evening, this is not as easy as it seems - to ensure the children are free and ready to talk to their mum and be happy / not watching TV / not engrossed in a game / not out and about... FUCKING difficult!!!!!) tells me that his father is far more willing to co-operate than his mother.

ANd ALL about control.

Irrational, unreasonable control.

I'm sorry where exactly was it that the O.P mentioned the mother "barking down the phone?"
And you're quite right that she shouldn't be having that conversation with her son. That's my point!

OK, she was telling him what he had to do at his dad's house.

And the little boy didn't feel strong enough to contradict his mum (but - tellingly - did feel strong enough to confide in what had been said with his Dad / SM... another reason I don't believe it's a child who just feels he has to keep all the adults happy or that all the parents are fighting about stuff).

For me, my Dh has never fought with his ex wife. We probably have the most unfair agreement in the history of agreements, because my DH would do anything to maintain his relationship with his kids. Which he has done.

But, his ex wife (and we are talking about a DECADE + on from the split) will argue about the world and it's bloody grandmother. Still.
For me, the crux is the fact that the phone calls are demanded - not requested, not made by the mum (and god knows, as a mum myself, I do appreciate that all mums worry about their kids) but demanded. She will sit and wait (and NOT speak to her kids) rather than pick up the phone and make the call (hence losing control / power)

I could talk about this subject all day... I've spent over 10 years dealing with a woman JUST like this.

Harismos, every time I read your posts on this subject I am minded of my own DH and his exW.

Have you ever thought the phone calls are not about control but because she misses him when he is there for the weekend,and shes wants to tell him she loves him.

also some children dont like speaking(not because he doesnt want too) on the phone, have you ever thought maybe thats why the have too make him.

Your wrong.

Why?

Thesunshinesbrightly.

I'm not wrong. What upsets you most is that you know I'm not.

If (an d I've said before - happy to agree that every mum misses their kids) that's true, you don't demand calls. YOu make them.

my DH's ex rarely makes calls to her kids. My DH has never been blessed with a call from her which hasn't been a demand for more money.

You can talk all you want... You will never change my mind and I have no need to argue with you.

A mother who insists a call is placed to her from her 7 YO son and then demands to know what is going on and then insists it happens as per her desires is (and YOU KNOW IT)

UNREASONABLE, IRRATIONAL CONTROLLING

You know it. There are MANY lone parents on here with shitty exes who don't go on like that because they are great, caring mums.

SAdly, just as there are some shitty dads, there are some shitty mums too.

Ironically, the dad who tries to do what his shitty ex requires (stay away from the kids) will find himself in the spot light in years to come when his shitty ex (once again) refuses to take any responsibility and blames the lack of contact between the kids and their dad on their dad.

Yet I know that my DH has taken years off his lifespan dealing with the crap just to make sure his kids know he loves them more than life itself.

And Stewie - You are DEAD right.

No judge WOULD approve it. ANd no normal mum demands it (however much they want to...)

shock horror a child has to be made go phone his mum...
ffs most kids have to be made to do stuff.
my ds is 17 and getting him to phone me is like pulling teeth.
oh I must be a loon/controlling cow or some such insult.
no he is like the op's dss a boy

Nothing upsets me at all, i know you are wrong, it's my opinion, i don't need to argue or explain.

I think you need too get a grip, it's not selfish! i don't belive she has required him to phone her, i'm sure the stepmom has blown everthing out to make the mom look like a nutter.

Thats what i think.

lalalalalalala