Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told DSS it is OK to lie to his mother?

227 replies

mmrred · 11/10/2009 18:46

Wasn't sure whether to put this here but do want genuine opinions...

My DSS has just spent the w/end with us and my DH took him swimming, a fairly regular activity. This morning before they went, DSS was on the phone to his Mum (we have to make him phone morning and night) and I heard him say he was going swimming and then somehting about arm-bands.

I was confused as he hasn't needed to wear arm-bands for over a year, so I asked him about it - it turns out his Mum was telling him he had to wear arm-bands and not go in any water deeper than his chest and not to go on the water slides...and he was blithely agreeing with her and telling her what she wanted to hear.

I told him I didn't like him to fib to his Mum (or at all) and he said he didn't want to upset her. So then I didn't know what to say. I told him I understood how difficult it was for him and that bottom line he was making that decision (to lie) but that I didn't want him to lie to me or his Dad.

And now I'm really confused and not sure if I did the right thing.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 16:33

yeh disney movies that's it.

i do stay away, but this is in AIBU.

FourShour · 12/10/2009 16:33

thesunshinesbrightly - I think you are bonkers

Its my opinion, I know I am right

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 16:37

FourShour, i'll sleep much soundly tonight thankyou.

You are right about something, i can't stand stepparents, i think they have no rights,no say and i think the should all keep their noses out.

Original poster
mmrred · 12/10/2009 16:41

The phonecalls are difficult and are very much to do with Mum's needs (again to do with the mental health issues, partly)They have to be made at certain times of day because we have to use her moher's phone - she has always refused to give us her mobile number. Which means if DSS does want to talk to his Mum for reassurance or just to tell her he loves her, he can't. However, we've tried not to make a big deal out of it and often DSS is excited about sharing news of his day with his Mum and family on that side. He did go through a whole phase of 'pretending' not to be able to hear what his Mum was saying to him to avoid conflict, so I guess it is all about coping mechanisms.

And many of you are correct, Dad never gets to talk to DSS when he's with Mum.

The judge approved it as a measure suggested by Cafcass to make contact work that we thought was a small price to pay for that goal - in fact the judge improved the situation as prior to that we had to call at 10 and 6 from our home phone, so we couldn't go away.

I would love to be able to communicate normally with DSS's mother, as would my DH, and we have tried mediation but Mum refused to attend more than once.

And at the moment we are doing whatever we can to make the court order work as we spent many years getting a court order and then several more years fighting Mum's applicaton to vary it.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 12/10/2009 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rindercella · 12/10/2009 16:49

Stewie - sun has said a couple of times on this thread that she loves her ex's new partner. It is quite apparent that she has no ishoos with step parents at all

piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 16:50

'Have you ever thought the phone calls are not about control but because she misses him when he is there for the weekend,and shes wants to tell him she loves him. '

This is about control-it shouldn't be about the mum and her feelings. She can tell him that she loves him when she sees him-if she tells him before he goes he will know-she is hardly likely to change her mind because he is away for half a day!
If she has issues about the swimming she should phone her ex and tell him about keeping in depth etc; it is very unfair of her to work through the DS. She should be putting her DS first and making the visits as natural, normal and pleasant as possible-demanding phone calls at set times is none of those things.
The heartache is her problem-sad though it is, she is the adult and she should deal with it-not make demands on her DS.

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 16:51

not with stepparents that keep their noses ou

Harimosbroomstick · 12/10/2009 16:54

i'm sure the stepmom has blown everthing out to make the mom look like a nutter.

Thats what i think.

You know, thesunshinesbrightly - I hope it always stays so bright for you..

There are times my (equally nutty) ex (well, DH's ex... but what is she to me???) has needed me. God, I bet that bugs her. Would probably bug you too.

I absolutely refuse to argue with you. You are entitled to your point of view. I hope it works out for you. I hope you manage to always control your kids and tell them who is allowed a say in their lives and when and what those people are allowed to do.

Really hope that works for you, because (God love you) it's not worked for the generations before you. But... go for it... give it your best shot. If it works, then good for you. You'll have a child totally alienated from it's father and probably half of it's biological family... but little problem for you I'd guess?

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 12/10/2009 16:56

StewieGriffinsMom twice a day!!! sorry I missed that, I thought it was just the normal say goodnight type of thing.

Harimosbroomstick · 12/10/2009 16:58

ANd, just for the record, I don't need to make the mum look like a nutter.

She does that quite nicely all on her own

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 16:59

control, okay.

it does work for me thankyou, you have no idea about me at all, alienated? where have you got that from? did i say my ds doesnt see his father or biological family??? see blown up into something i never said.

bronze · 12/10/2009 17:00

I hate threads like these

Im not involved in either side of this step parenting thing

What I see time and time again is step parents being expected to muck in, cook, clean and care for their dsc and then when it comes to even the basic level of any voice they're told no, you have no rights. In this case life would be so much easier if the the sm could just say DSC can swim without armbands now to the bm. This would stop the children feeling stuck in the middle
I also hate seeing one parent dictate to the other what they can do with the child when they are under their watch. Who are the grown ups in these relationships?

clam · 12/10/2009 17:03

Why is the mother issuing demands on the dad's watch anyway? He's the kid's father. Surely he's capable?

Or have I missed something? I got a bit at all sunshine's rants.....

piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 17:07

I think that you have the main point there, clam. The father is an equal parent. If he wants to take DS swimming he is perfectly capable, his main mistake seems to be telling her about the swimming in the first place!

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 17:13

But in the op's post it is all about her,it's not "my husband would love too" it's " i would love too"

Harimosbroomstick · 12/10/2009 17:14

I never said your child wouldn't see his father. I said he wouldn't be allowed to have a free relationship with him.

the only one blowing things up (and making things up) here is you, mate!

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/10/2009 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

colditz · 12/10/2009 17:21

TSSB - my God I am so grateful that my Bf's ex is a more reasonable and rational woman that you. YOu do realise you sound utterly irrational, don't you?/ "I can't stand stepparents" - what, all of them?

You have over absorbed Cinderella.

piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 17:24

Surely you would hope that the step parent did love the DC? I wouldn't want my DS to go to a house where he was merely tolerated.

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 17:25

the only one blowing things up (and making things up) here is you,mate!

where have i made things up??? mate!

piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 17:26

The problem with these threads are that people always bring their own baggage with them.

Harimosbroomstick · 12/10/2009 17:27

I said that you would alienate a child from it's father.

You took that to mean the child wouldn't see it's father.

The two are poles apart.

But then, I'm a step mum. So you don't give a stuff what I think, do you?

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 17:29

The problem with these threads are that people always bring their own baggage with them.

As i have said before"my ex's partner is brillant"

baggage where???

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/10/2009 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn