to have told DSS it is OK to lie to his mother?

[mmrred]

Wasn't sure whether to put this here but do want genuine opinions...

My DSS has just spent the w/end with us and my DH took him swimming, a fairly regular activity. This morning before they went, DSS was on the phone to his Mum (we have to make him phone morning and night) and I heard him say he was going swimming and then somehting about arm-bands.

I was confused as he hasn't needed to wear arm-bands for over a year, so I asked him about it - it turns out his Mum was telling him he had to wear arm-bands and not go in any water deeper than his chest and not to go on the water slides...and he was blithely agreeing with her and telling her what she wanted to hear.

I told him I didn't like him to fib to his Mum (or at all) and he said he didn't want to upset her. So then I didn't know what to say. I told him I understood how difficult it was for him and that bottom line he was making that decision (to lie) but that I didn't want him to lie to me or his Dad.

And now I'm really confused and not sure if I did the right thing.

Kids sometimes cannot be arsed to pick up the phone and call their parents. Tis a fact. Sometimes it could be because they are embarassed; sometimes it because they do not have an awful lot to say and so cannot see the point, and it would seem from the OP's further posts that this was the case here.

The OP and her DH (for they are married) appear to be doing everything they can to meet the conditions of the court order. mmrred's DH should be congratulated for doing everything he can to continue to maintain regular contact with his son. I am sure you would be quick to damn him if he fell at the first obstacle his ex put in his way.

yes, i know my kids are the same with family, but she didnt need to add the bit in her post.

(we have to make him) it sounded like a dig.

ok so it sounded like a dig to you, calm down, to those of us that are wafflers it sounds like an extra bit of the story added in without any thought to hos some people (with chips on their shoulders ) would take it.

Fact: Not all mothers are perfect
Fact: Not all fathers are perfect
Fact: Not all step-mothers are witches
Face: Not all step-fathers are monsters.

Fact: Kids can leave anyone stuck in an awkward situation

always would like to explain why i would have a chip on my shoulder seen that you know so much, i trust you will get it right.

wow there are some bitter women on this thread!
I can't believe some of you really think the step mum should keep her nose out when your dc visits for the weekend.. Is that really best for your dc? really?
And I am a step mum except my dss is now in his mid 20's so speak from long term experience.
mmrred, you did the best thing you could in the circumstances, but unfortunately fibbing on the phone is a common thing for stepkids ime... mine told lies to his mother all the time because he didn't want her to be upset.
Sad but understandable.

because you seem 100% convinced that a single comment by the OP was having a dig at her DH's ex, that step-mothers (or is it parents? - I see you've avoided my question about step-fathers) are all spiteful cows who do nothing for their step-children and should stay out of all business involving them, even when they're married to the step-child's fathers/mother.

Perhaps it's the style and tone of your posts thesunshines? You may want to have a rethink on how you compose your posts if you wish to appear reasonable and coherent

As i said in my other post

i love my ex's partner, she is too good for him.

so where do i have a chip on my shoulder??

i am on here to comment and to say what i think, and what i have posted is what i think.

'you say his mom doesnt take her little lad swimming, sorry but i dont belive that'

I entirely believe it-there have been several threads on mumsnet where people hate swimming and won't take their DCs-it is quite common.
I would read into it that the mother would prefer to have her DS full time and hates him being co parented. That is her problem, and not one that she should let her DS be aware of. She is trying, through the phone calls, to have control-even though he is with dad. It puts the poor DS in a difficult position-at 7 yrs it is much simpler for him to just keep saying 'yes'. The best thing for OP to do is go into another room and then you can just leave it to him and not have the dilemma of worrying what you say to him about it.

so - what do you think about my comment about step-fathers - should they also stay out of the "parenting" of their DSS??

mmrred, you did the right thing

and you didn't sound like you were having a dig to me

not sure what else you could do, unless you all have a fab carey-sharey relationship with all the "parents", which you clearly don't

it seems a shame the 7 yo has to tell fibs, but not unheard-of

it would be better if no-one had to tell fibs, we all know that

do you have any sort of relationship with his mother, is there no chance of it ?

Question? about step - fathers i feel exactly the same way, when i was with my partner i told him "too butt out they are my kids"

well I feel sorry for your dc sunshine..It is not your dc's fault they are part of an extended family but you are depriving them of forging meaningful relationships with their step parents.

it's just the way i am, i will not give my comments again, but if i do, i will lie and tell them and anyone else what they want to here instead.

No, my ex's partner goes out with my ex and ds when they go on days out or whatever,cooks dinner and all that, but my son is bettween me and my ex and if she has a problem she comes to me.

read the thread, but in answer to the op, so it is ok for him to lie to his mum, as long as he doesn't lie to you, or his dad.......
I know the thread has moved on,
but that is an odd thing to say

My point smoking2shoes

you're welcome to give your comments sunshine, but don't expect us to agree or not challenge you if they are, frankly, ridiculous.

oh yes - I see you did - after you'd questioned that fact that the OP had to make him call his mother .

i do not expect you too agree with me, i am making comments like all of you, i think some of your comments are ridulous, this is my way, yours are your way.

I remember you from some other threads thesunshines...you're quite a vociferous poster, so I very much doubt you will duly comply with everyone else's views (and neither should you)

I just can't see how it's good for the child to go to a home where there are 2 people who are MARRIED (and maybe even have more children together?) and have the step-parent take no role in their care.

Imagine if the mother (the resident parent) remarried and had a DH who did nothing with the child(ren) "because they're not his".

They wouldn't even get their foot through my door in the first place - never mind get a ring on their finger