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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told DSS it is OK to lie to his mother?

227 replies

mmrred · 11/10/2009 18:46

Wasn't sure whether to put this here but do want genuine opinions...

My DSS has just spent the w/end with us and my DH took him swimming, a fairly regular activity. This morning before they went, DSS was on the phone to his Mum (we have to make him phone morning and night) and I heard him say he was going swimming and then somehting about arm-bands.

I was confused as he hasn't needed to wear arm-bands for over a year, so I asked him about it - it turns out his Mum was telling him he had to wear arm-bands and not go in any water deeper than his chest and not to go on the water slides...and he was blithely agreeing with her and telling her what she wanted to hear.

I told him I didn't like him to fib to his Mum (or at all) and he said he didn't want to upset her. So then I didn't know what to say. I told him I understood how difficult it was for him and that bottom line he was making that decision (to lie) but that I didn't want him to lie to me or his Dad.

And now I'm really confused and not sure if I did the right thing.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 11/10/2009 23:36

Sorry am i shouting, i must remember to type quieter.

nzshar · 11/10/2009 23:46

So sunshine when I take ds swimming am I supposed to leave my dss at home because it is nothing to do with me? Or does it mean that he can only do things with his father and not have me and ds(his brother) included? Or if we are included we have to take a back seat? Our family dynamics can be very difficult at times dss is 15 ds is 5 and dp is blind.
As for the op I really think that a little communication may be in order, though given that contact is through court order I am guessing its rather more complicated than at first glance.

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/10/2009 23:47

It's a good thing i'm single then isn't it(by choice)

slowreadingprogress · 11/10/2009 23:47

I think that your step son has one of the most difficult split family scenarios to deal with. When the parents can't communicate with each other, the burden of almost taking the 'adult' role and being the one who retains a relationship with both parents falls on the shoulders of the child and they inevitably get caught in the middle like your step son has done with the arm band thing.

It's so sad and such a shame when this happens and children are left to deal with this

However you as step mum sound like you dealt with it very well to me, because you didn't go over the top about it, you understood why he deflected his mum like this, but you still managed to explain that while you understand this, you don't condone lying in general.

I think your step son needs the 'escape route' of being able to fib, to be honest; ideally, the father should be able to speak to the mother and say "little Johnny can swim now no armbands needed" and mother to reply "oh, lovely, tell him well done from me"....kind of thing. That is not happening on your step son's behalf, so he needs to be able to get around situations imo, so that he does not feel pressure from all sides. And he needs you to understand, as you seem to , that he is not fibbing because he is in any way naughty, just because he's in an awkward situation.

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/10/2009 23:49

what a ridulous question, have you read the thread, if you have then you will know my answer.

alwayslookingforanswers · 11/10/2009 23:50

it's ok for you to take him swimming, just don't tuck him up in bed or give him a cuddle if he's unwell (although I guess at 15 he's a bit old for cuddles when he's not well )

nzshar · 11/10/2009 23:57

always. Have been stepmum to him since he was 7 and even though hes 15 now he goes to bed with a "love you" to both me and his father. It was a rocky road for us at first his mums parenting very much differs from that of his father and me but our house our rules. And before anyone jumps on me we are all good firends dps ex her dp me and my dp her 5 children including dss and our 2 children including dss

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 00:00

The father should be able to speak to the mother and say "little Johnny can swim now no armbands needed" and mother to reply "oh, lovely, tell him well done from me"....kind of thing.

yes people note the father not father's partner!!

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/10/2009 00:04

Why do father's partners need to give the child at bed time a cuddle? where is the dad.

strange how do you do

alwayslookingforanswers · 12/10/2009 00:10

perhaps both of them do it.

Even my DS's godparents, when they baby sit, give my DS's cuddles (and even when we see them out and about they often give them a cuddle to) - I'm not sure what's so odd about the husband/wife of a child doing the same thing.

alwayslookingforanswers · 12/10/2009 00:15

and you know what - sometimes children (especially little ones) make the decision that the step-parent is going to do it.

There would be tantrums at bedtime (ok there was to start with from my friend when her fiancée moved in ) if you try and force a 2yr old to have their mother putting them to bed instead of the step-parent.

It might be a strange concept to you, but sometimes step-parents and step-children get along well, and even new partners/DH/DW's of the biological parents sometimes get along well as well!

colditz · 12/10/2009 00:19

Because it's fucking weird to interact with a child for 48 hours to then refuse to cuddle him in case it upsets his mother?

Because children are people with feelings, not pets or possessions, and can cuddle whoever they want to?

My BF's children don't like his cooking. they like mine, and have informed him of this loudlyly and at length.

Should they only be eating food cooked by him? Am I not allowed to change a nappy, kiss a bruise, or stroke a head?

How insular your life must be, to consider withholding natural affection to be a rational response to a marital breakdown.

alwayslookingforanswers · 12/10/2009 00:22

children are people?
you cook for your BF's children?
You interact with them?

Goblinchild · 12/10/2009 07:06

I suppose it might depend on whether you regard children as independent life forms or possessions.
Mine, you can't have it, play with it or cuddle it. MINE!

starwhoreswonaprize · 12/10/2009 07:31

AS much as I'm sure that my dcs will never have step parents and how much it would kill me to think if their father with someone else and them having a step parent. I really hope if they do that she will adore them and they will think very highly of her and that if they need a cuddle that she could give them one too.

Very strange that anyone would want their dcs to feel like outsiders in their ex's families.

piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 07:43

'Imagine if the mother (the resident parent) remarried and had a DH who did nothing with the child(ren) "because they're not his".

They wouldn't even get their foot through my door in the first place - never mind get a ring on their finger '

Exactly! My DH is step father to my DS and he certainly wouldn't have got his foot in the door if he didn't interact with my DS! It was a case of 'love me-love my DS'-even if I was was heart broken I would have broken it off if it wasn't the case. We then went on to have 2 more DCs and DS1 is equal, no differences are made.
Your DC isn't your possession-they are a gift that you are priviledged to have-jealousy and possessiveness have no part in a loving relationship and if you feel these things you should keep it strictly to yourself.
The DS's mother can't like it-in an ideal world she would still be with the father-however since it isn't an ideal world she should be very grateful that OP is loving and caring to her DS. It would be far worse if she didn't interact with him.
I am amazed by the people who think that the step parent is a machine like person-it is perfectly OK for them to cook and clean for the DS but they are supposed to keep their place as an unpaid servant and not have the fun part and the cuddles. It is hard-but something that you do in the interests of the DC. There is plenty of love to go around-loving one person doesn't take it away from another!
In the case of OP, the DSS has his way of dealing with an over controlling mother-I think you need to leave him with his escape route.

mummygirl · 12/10/2009 07:43

OP, I don't hink you did anythhing wrong, your DSS decided to lie to his mother because of her behaviour.

All you can do is make sure that you (by you I mena yourself and your DH) don't behave towards him in a way that would drive him towards lying to you. What you said was ok, but children rarely react on our advice and more often on our actions.

Also remember that -unfortunately- there's nothing you can do re court order for calling his mum, although I don't know what the judge was thinking when ordering phonecalls so close to each other (maybe for the benefit of the mother, since she has mental health issues?).

However when he's in YOUR house, under YOUR care you have not only the right, but actually the responsibility to make the rules and teach right from wrong, so well done for pulling him up on his lying.

And just be strong, SMing is the hardest parenting role, glad you have a supportive DH

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 12/10/2009 07:58

His mother sounds a bit of a loon really.
Another IS not the be all and end all of parenting, fathers have as much right as mothers and it sound like your husband is being a really good dad.

I think your dss is going to have to lie a lot worse lies to his mother as time goes on.

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/10/2009 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Janos · 12/10/2009 09:03

mmrred

Purely in response to your OP, I think you are YANBU and haven't done anything wrong.

I agree with piscesmoon, mum sounds a bit helicopter-ish. In these situations, children will tell parents what they want to hear! It's a small fib, not an awful, serious lie.

I speak as single mum to DS who has a SM, so therefore my opinion is authoritative!

smoking2shoes · 12/10/2009 09:09

i feel sorry for the little lads poor mum, fancy being discussed on the internet, and not being able to give your side.
their are 2 sides to every story.(yes I had a SM and we got on ok)

Janos · 12/10/2009 09:15

Well yes smoking2shoes but people get discussed on here all the time. MN wouldn't exist otherwise!

Rindercella · 12/10/2009 09:32

2shoes, do you feel sorry for all the 'wanker' husbands who are discussed on here? Or the loony MILs? Or the crazy lady in the carpark who left her baby in a car? Or the cow in a call centre who couldn't help the OP? Or....yep, could go on ad finitum.

Tis the way of MN. Something happens in someone's life. That someone comes on to MN to discuss it and seek advice. This OP is no different in that to any other.

smoking2shoes · 12/10/2009 10:01

that is my opinion, I am allowed to have it

Rindercella · 12/10/2009 12:02

But no-one is saying that you shouldn't have an opinion 2shoes. Just as you have a right to your opinion, I have a right to disagree with it if that is what I believe.