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Original poster

...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

256 replies

mummee09v · 08/10/2009 10:15

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

OP posts:
mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 21:15

defluff - £125 is just the ex's contribution. Given that she should be paying max. 50%, the total is therefore twice this, plus child benefit

btw the OP is a sahm, so no nursery costs

Janos · 08/10/2009 21:20

"At the end of the day the ex is paying for his own place which his DC also spends time in"

No he isn't, he lives there rent free.

Strikes me this man is also getting an awful lot of credit really for doing the bare minimum he has to.

I also don't believe a 3 year old costs 'just' £125 per month. What about food, clothing, bedding, etc?

All this talk about 'I know how much a 3 year old costs therefore you shouldn't need more than x' is bizarre. Newsflash folks, people (that includes 3 year olds) have different needs. They don't come in one size fits all!

mum2zak · 08/10/2009 21:25

i cant believe what some people have said here. a woman who looks after her child, feeds them, bathes them, takes them out, looks after when they are ill etc etc and a father that just looks after them a couple of hours a month and gives £120 a month and she is suppose to be grateful for that! its his bloody kid too paying a bit more is the least he should do, but imo being a bit more involved in the childs life is more to be expected.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 21:25

janos - people generally adjust their spending to fit their income

at the end of the day, this child's mother is a sahm and the father earns £16k. In this case, one would reasonably expect the expenditure to be relatively frugal. Yet, the OP is not happy to buy from ebay for example, or use second hand clothes

If the couple were still together, the OP would really have to considerably reduce spending habits, or go out to work. Why should her expenditure be higher just because she left him?

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 21:27

"paying a bit more is the least he should do" - mum2zak, the reason she is doing all of these things as opposed to the ex is because she left him. So he should be financially penalised because she chose to take on these responsibilities without him?

Janos · 08/10/2009 21:33

"people generally adjust their spending to fit their income"

You don't say mondaymonday. Thanks for the budgeting lesson there.

How is asking him to pay a reasonable amount of maintenance 'penalising' him?

And last time I looked women were allowed to leave their partners. It happens all the time. Why should that affect the maintenance?

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 21:37

the penalising and leaving him comment was directed to mum2zak who was suggesting that it was the least he could do given the OP was doing the day to day stuff

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 21:38

and on the budgeting lesson - yes it might sound obvious, but there are people on here suggesting music and riding lessons, so useful reminder that on a joint family income of £16k, actuallly, budgetting is rather necessary

colditz · 08/10/2009 21:45

And you can budget for music or riding lessons.

If you are managing on the money you get (and your problem with the OP is that she IS managing on the money she gets) then another £20 a week would pay for something extra, such as music or riding lessons?

Or must it be spent on sackcloth and ashes, to be worn as a punishment for being the product of a broken marriage?

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 21:49

no, I don't actually have a problem. The OP's problem (and the reason for this thread) is that she wants more money from her ex because she is annoyed with his present circumstances

There is no suggestion that she feels there is not enough money for treats for the child (only that she shouldn't have to buy clothes 2nd hand, which imvho is a very high horse to be on with a joint family income of £16k)

Janos · 08/10/2009 21:55

I think a lot of people posting on here (including myself) are very well aware of how necessary budgeting is on a low salary.

I believe that the 'music/riding lessons' comment was not meant to be taken literally (at least that's not how I read it) but as an example of something that would be nice for a child to do.

The inference here seems to be that the OP is a grasping witch who is out to take, take, take from her ex because she can't manage her own money. Whereas all she is doing is asking for a reasonable contribution.

mmrred · 08/10/2009 22:01

We could all do lovely things with our DC's with an extra £20. My DH and I work full time and have a decent salary and I certainly wouldn't say no to an extra £20.

But if you arbitrarily decide that now one parent should pay an extra £20, simply because that would be nice for the child - well OK, why don't BOTH parents give an extra £20 for the child? They can both afford it, once they stop buying sackcloth and ashes.

In reality, we all make our own decisions about budgets, what we will and won't sacrifice, what we want new, what we will accept second-hand...

I'm alarmed that people appear to be saying that because the X and his new partner are defrauding the state, the profit should be siphoned to OP and her child...if he robbed a bank would you want a cut of that, too?

DeFluffMyFanjo · 08/10/2009 22:02

Monday - why do you hate women?? Why are you so bitter and twisted??

Just wondering.

Janos · 08/10/2009 22:08

"I'm alarmed that people appear to be saying that because the X and his new partner are defrauding the state, the profit should be siphoned to OP and her child...if he robbed a bank would you want a cut of that, too? "

Eh? I think all people are suggesting is that he should pay a reasonable amount of maintenance according to how much he earns?

FWIW I don't think OP would get much more if she went through the CSA and for all the stress and hassle it would cause it's probably not worth it.

All that aside I really do not see WHY the OP is getting such an undeserved verbal kicking.

colditz · 08/10/2009 22:11

Mothercaritis.

Janos · 08/10/2009 22:17

Whats Mothercaritis? Non sarky question there.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 22:22

"Eh? I think all people are suggesting is that he should pay a reasonable amount of maintenance according to how much he earns?"

janos - he is already paying a reasonable amount of maintenance according to how much he earns!

fanjo - if pointing this out makes me a woman hater in your opinion, then that is an opinion you are entitled to

mammadoooooooo · 08/10/2009 22:27

Jesus christ!!!
some of you women are just evil!! ffs, the op just asked if she was being unreasonable, not for anyone to start calling her, being nasty.

she has said her son wears clothes out quickly, so needs to buy him new regulary. some kids do that, some don't. that alone could cost a small fortune each month!! she said he eats a lot

ok, so maybe in this day and age we all need to find ways to tighten our belts.......but if a child needs food and clothes what do we do? say no?

if i added up how much my son costs a month it'd be more than £125 a month and he is good with his clothes. i spent £5 last nite on bread and milk for 4 of us and by sat i will need to buy it again............what do i do? tell my children they can't have milk? his vitamins cost £5 each month, do i stop them, when his diet is not always good because he has food issues (bring on the slating cos i have a fussy child...........come on!!)

still, while your picking on the op, you're leaving someone else alone

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 22:33

we could be here all night arguing each side, seeing as there seems to be no middle ground in this thread!!

We're all being a bit judgey, myself included, but really, what do we know about the exact circumstances?

The OP's new partner is on £22,000 a year, but he may have thousands of pounds of debt which he is trying to pay off - although the information given doesn't seem to suggest that, given that the OP herself has stated that they are livng comfortably.

Similarly, the OP's ex may have high outgoings, his new partner may be influencing him in a negative way towards his ex (and yes, if this is the case, then he should grow some balls and tell her his priority is his child!)

He could also be refusing to up the monthly maintenance on the basis of the costs of petrol picking his son up every other weekend (yes, apparently his choice to move 100 miles away, but is still a 400 mile round trip picking him up and taking him back to the OP, which if you think about it, is actually a lot of effort, he may work the other weekends - we just don't know)

We don't actually know what the OP wants this money for. Her new partner may be a gambling addict for all we know and frittering away his 22k hence her need for extra money.

At the end of the day, we just don't know enough to have a succesful debate.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 22:35

mammadoooo - I think if the OP had posted saying that she was having trouble making ends meet etc. and was unable to afford clothes, food or whatever then the responses would have been very different

However, she first paragraph made it clear that the reason she was unhappy was his current living arrangements

Later in her first post, she refers to a friend getting more, and in a later post, says she finds it frustrating that she is getting less than her current partner is paying his ex

Her only reference to why she would need more money is that she doesn't see why she should have to buy second hand while her ex lives rent free

It is all of these things that people have reacted to in terms of judging her motives

Janos · 08/10/2009 22:38

"he is already paying a reasonable amount of maintenance according to how much he earns!"

Come to think of it, OP says his income is estimated. It could well be higher than 16k, couldn't it?

Also, looking back at her first post OP say sshe asked for £150 but settled for £125.

How come £125 is reasonable but £150 isn't?

Janos · 08/10/2009 22:44

I also did the CSA calculation based on my salary (fair bit less that £16k) and based on same circumstances.

It says I should be paying £29 per week. So if 16k is the 'right' amount of money (which we don't know) then strictly speaking he isn't pay what he 'should' be.

colditz · 08/10/2009 22:47

No, he should be paying £200 permonth, wehich is 15% of 16000.

muminthecity · 08/10/2009 22:54

Why the fuck should anyone be grateful for recieving what their child is entitled to? Before my ex quit his job he was paying me £200ish per month, and I was in no way grateful for his contribution. In fact, I think he should be bloody grateful to me for raising his DD, for being a good mother and for doing all of the things I do for her.

pithyslicker · 08/10/2009 22:57

If he earns £16,000 before deductions, it is £148 a month.

If he has his child more than 52 nights a year it would be £128 a month.

It depends if the £16,000 is net or gross.
CSA work on net as in after tax and deductions.

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