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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

256 replies

mummee09v · 08/10/2009 10:15

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:06

Whoah.

Have read the whole thread.

OP YANBU to get the correct amount from your ex for your child.

I mean, DH earns more than 22K (which is not a lot, in london anyway). We live together and have two children.

If we split up, he could have the kids and I could live in a 1 bed flat. Fine. I could work. Great. However if I have the kids, then I need more rooms. And don't get a single person reduction on my council tax. And the council tax is higher. And a larger gaff means more central heating/water bills/electricity etc etc.

At the moment DH is happy to put his wages into a joint account to pay for all this.

If he left me, why should he stop paying? My assumption would be, he doesn;t give a monkeys about his children. Why else stop?

Really random thoughts on this thread. Let's not think about what is, and on that basis OP is lucky - what about what should be.

pithyslicker · 08/10/2009 23:10

No one has stopped paying.

And if the NRP lives in a one bed flat the children wouldn't be able to stay there.

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:13

No the NRP lives in his girlfriends council place for free.

People on this thread have been saying that OP is being greedy... ridiculous.

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:14

Why couldn't children stay in a one bed flat anyway? If we split up and DH got the kids I would move into a one bed, they could kip in with me/on the floor/in the lounge.

pithyslicker · 08/10/2009 23:22

If you split up from your husband you'd live in a one bed flat, go to work full time, pay him as much maintenance as you could afford, and have the children sleep on the floor when they stayed with you?

Have I got that right?

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:24

If he got custody, then yes, obviously.

colditz · 08/10/2009 23:41

me too.If my ex had custody, why would I need a cushy little two bed house?

My BF has 3 kids, and a 1 bed flat, when he has them for the weekend they sleep in the bedroom he has set up for them and he sleeps in the living room on a blow up mattress.

A LOT of NRPs do this.

colditz · 08/10/2009 23:42

I coould just as well ask - if you split up with your partner and he kept the kids, would you insist on a nice big house to the detriment of your children's financial well being?

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:47

Well I'd go back to my pre-kids state. One bed flat. Of course we could muck in when they came to stay. Of course I would pay a decent proportion of my salary for their upkeep. Of course I would understand that exDH would not be able to work/could only work pt and have to pay for childcare etc as he had the kids.

If I met someone else and moved in etc that would be separate.

pithyslicker · 08/10/2009 23:49

We have split up-but did it amicably,no solicitors,no courts,no csa, no maintenance.No access disputes.

Two houses near each other the children pass between the two as much as they want.

But I was lucky my ex wasn't a twat. So we were both reasonable.

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:49

Oh I mean separate on both sides - if he met someone else, ditto.

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:52

pithy you were also lucky that between you, you could afford 2 houses big enough for you and kids.

I imagine that is fairly unusual, joint finances stretching that far.

So when push comes to shove, the parent with the kids gets the house, natch.

SardineQueen · 08/10/2009 23:55

I'm off to bed but would like to say that it wasn't a MN exaggeration. If we split up and DH got the kids, that is what I would do. I don't know what else I would be supposed to do, TBH.

confusedaboutmendotcom · 08/10/2009 23:56

TBH OP. I think you are being unreasonable.Slightly no offence.

My twins dad earns around 20,000 a year and he has to pay 150 a month for the twins although he doesnt pay it. i had no choice but to go to the CSA when they were 6 months as I am on my own and at that time was just going back to work after maternity. They needed cots and carseats and highchairs and i couldnt do it. He offered me £20 a month so I had no choice.

I will tell you waht a C**T is. I was alone from teh birth. He refused to put his name on birth certificate when he knew they were his and saw thenm every week tilI went to CSA. I went to CSA he then said they werent his his when he knew damnwell they were. He then stopped all contact even when I was desperate and they both had chicken pox he wouldn't help. 6 months on the DNA test proved he was the father. He then after turning everyone at my eldest daughters school, my street and the whole neighbourhood against me for contact. He offered once a fortnight on a weekday. I said after what he put us through I felt he owed tehm more. He refused and since stopped paying csa. Sorry to hijak the thread but am I being unreasonable to think he is abeing unreasonable. As he is adamant in dragging my name through the mud and wont accept he is in the wrong. Sorry. Phew I feel better now I have that off my chest as this the DTs are 22 months now.

All in all tho I think he is offering a good package. I would snap his hand off to be honest.

colditz · 08/10/2009 23:59

Why can nobody see that just because their own ex is a shit bag, it doesn't mean that everyone else is lovely and generous and kind?!

confusedaboutmendotcom · 09/10/2009 00:13

I agree coldtits. I was just having a well needed rant. Sorry all.

I do think though that considering the OPs estimated wage and time he has that that is more tahn what the csa would offer her if they deduct the overnight satys and the travel allowance. Which he probbably will as he probbably is also a shitbag...

SomeGuy · 09/10/2009 03:59

No, he should be paying £200 permonth, wehich is 15% of 16000.

15% of £16,000 is £200/month, but it's 15% of NET. £16,000 is gross.

So 15% of £16k would be less than that £200/month net.

The problem is the OP is not disclosing his salary.

It could be less, but is almost certainly more.

There are various sales jobs with British Gas, this is bottom rung:

"Energy Sales Consultant"

£11k rising to £15k commensurate with performance, plus uncapped commission levels. You will join an uncapped earnings scheme with typical on-target earnings of £2,500 a month. Many of our top energy consultants earn far in excess of this figure and enjoy numerous other benefits.

I would be very surprised if he's earning less than £20k, and the company car also counts as income - a Ford Mondeo diesel would count as £4k of income for example.

£30k sounds like a reasonable estimate of his income, but potentially more in some lines of work, such as central heating sales (Salary £16,438 basic On target earnings potential at circa £72.5k ). It would be very unusual for someone to be earning £16k and have a company car.

On £30k gross, he should be paying about £240/month.

I don't quite get all the "You evil bitch, you should be living off porridge and buying everything from charity shops" posts TBH.

I would be doing more research into the father's line of work and find out how much he is really earning, what model of car he has got, and then find the net income from that, and then tell him he should pay what the CSA says.

tinkerbellesmuse · 09/10/2009 07:12

Haven't read whole thread but surely the father should be paying what he can afford not what the lowest amount it could theoretically cost to support a child?

I would be furious if DH and I split up and he paid the bare minumum to keep our children fed and watered whilst maintaining an extravagant single life. If the father can afford it then he should be paying it and call me hopelessly naive but I would assume that most fathers were keen to ensure their children were supported financially to the best of their abilities.

tinkerbellesmuse · 09/10/2009 07:36

Jeez - have now read whole thread.

What a lot of venom and bitterness.

Original poster
mummee09v · 09/10/2009 08:35

cannot believe how much of a discussion this has created!!

thank you to (again) all the lovely ladies who have jumped in and defended me!!!

i agree that just because lots of peoples kids dads are TOTAL shitbags who dont pay ANYTHING i shouldnt be have to be "grateful" for what i get!!

and - someguy - thats very very interesting, where did you get that info about the british gas jobs?? i know he is in a more senior role with them, he is not just at the bottom of the ladder. but he is so bloody cagey about how much he earns and what his actual job is, aaargh its so frustrating because i can't find out!! this is why i have considered CSA because they CAN find out!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 09/10/2009 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pithyslicker · 09/10/2009 09:20

OP If I were you,I'd go through the CSA for your ex, and for your DP.

And then if your Dp wants to top his up to his ex with extra he can.
Then everyone knows where they are.

footinmouth · 09/10/2009 18:38

Don't be too greedy.

You might find that the money you're entitled to is less than what you are getting already

nighbynight · 09/10/2009 19:29

As someone who gets not a penny from ex for 4 children, I will just parp myself and move away from this thread.

mondaymonday · 09/10/2009 19:38

let's hope if you go to the csa that your dp doesn't end up paying more, and you ex paying less. You'll learn soon (if you don't lose the will to live while waiting for the claim to go through) that anything is possible where they're concerned