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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

256 replies

mummee09v · 08/10/2009 10:15

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

OP posts:
cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 10:48

I think you should think yourself lucky!!

He already gives you money, and has your DS 2 weekends a month!! plus you have a different partner who "more than looks after us financially" !!!

Imagine, if you were completely on your own, got no money from him, and never saw him or had anything to do with his child, then you would have the right to complain!

As it is, YABU

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 10:50

YABU because you get more than enough already. It really shouldn't cost you all that you are gettig for this one child. I mean no offence but that is ridculous!

If you are getting more than enough then his money is just going in your pocket - why should he give you more? You are not his reponsibility.

Is it 'the point'? What point? He gives you plenty money.

I really am struggling to see why you think you should get more.

How much he is on is not any of your business really, if he is paying you that much.

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 10:51

Are you just trying to have a dig at your ex? Is that it?

vampyrekisses · 08/10/2009 10:52

i think yabu because he is not supporting you, he supporting your child and that seems like a very reasonable amount of money a month for that

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 10:53

as an addition, the csa should be there to help parents who cannot get maintenance for their children, for whatever reason. In reality though, a lot of their resources are spent on requests such as yours, from parents who already receive adequate maintenance but want more. The CSA therefore spend more time going after easy targets who are already paying

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 10:54

OP do you get the message?

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 10:57

Oh, forgot to say, I wish I got £125 a month and 2 weekends a month break courtesy of DD's father!

The only "break" I get, is 4 hours on a saturday morning..........when I got to work

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 10:58

go not got

Original poster
mummee09v · 08/10/2009 10:59

when i say my DF "more than looks after us financially" i don't mean we are loaded, he earns £22k but he pays £220 maintenance to his DD's mum a month. plus i don't work as my DD is only 4 months old and i dont want to leave her yet. so my child benefit and tax credit is my only income. so we are actually quite skint, i just meant that my DF contributes financially.

and he might be only 3 but he is bloody expensive lol he needs new clothes and shoes every month coz if he hasnt grown out of them he has worn them out so they have to be replaced. he also eats pretty much the same as what i eat!!

and when i say he has him 2 wkends a month i mean he has him for ONE night of that weekend, he picks him up 12 noon saturday and brings him back 5pm sunday. its pathetic.
he has never taken him on holiday with him, and when he is off work on annual leave he never asks to have him while he is off work.

and no i would never grass him up to the benefits because as someone else said it would be shitty to do that to my kids dad and also if he ends up paying rent and everything at his gfs he will be even worse off and i will get less probably!

OP posts:
carriedababi · 08/10/2009 11:00

tell him you want 175 and he might give you 150.

yanbu imo
its not just the money you spend directley on your dc its heating housing food etc

Original poster
mummee09v · 08/10/2009 11:02

and no i am not trying to have a dig at my ex!! the break up was initiated by me over 3 years ago and as i said i have a new partner who i am engaged to, and new baby, so i have no bad feelings towards him, other than the money issue, we get on well and my son loves him and loves seeing him and he is a good dad. although as i said i would like him to have DS more.

OP posts:
mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:03

mummee - tbh though, the fact that you are not working because of your 4mo DD has nothing go do with the father of your first child. So it has become clear that in fact you do want him to pay more because of your current situation with your new family

Also if he is working and the distance between you is 100 miles, I think the weekend contact sounds great. I think we are collectively struggling to understand what your problem is

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:04

carrie - given that the OP lives with her new partner and has a new DD, why exactly should her ex be paying towards the heating and electric for that household?

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 11:05

but........you still get maintenance money for him, and he still has his son twice a month, for over 24 hours a time!!

It's not pathetic, it's a hell of a lot more than a lot of people get from ex partners!!

And yes, that me just be me being bitter, seeing as I've not had a single penny from my ex, nor has he looked after her for 30 seconds, let alone nearly 30 hours at a time, but you seem very greedy, just be grateful for what you do get from him, and keep in mind that you're actually very lucky compared to a lot of other mothers out there.

NeedCoffee · 08/10/2009 11:07

hang on a minute, just because some Dads are crap and don't pay money for their children, that doesn't mean that the OP shouldn't be able to expect to get a fair amount from her DSs' Father, its all relative.

OP-I have no idea how much you should get, I don't get anything from DCs Dads, but you could always contact CSA to ask for their advice.

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 11:07

And presumably, if your current partner lives with you, if you really wanted a break, to escape for even just an hour, then he could look after the DC's, while you get a bit of me time?!

Personally, I cant leave the house in the evenings because it's just me on my own with DD.

I think you already have a lot more than most, yet you aren't making the most of it.

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 11:08

needcoffee I think she does get a fair amount though!!

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 11:10

I am sorry to butt in yet again but you get over 22k a year but are skint??!!

No offence but... silly woman....

That is a heck of a lot more money than a lot of families are on and you have the cheek to complain....

Over and Out!

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:10

needcoffee - but this could take months, take up hours and hours needlessly of csa time, cause extreme ill-will and from what it appears, very likely not result in any increase. What exactly is the point! The OP is already receiving regular, good amounts of maintenance and has an amicable relationship with her ex. It seems to take any action is not in the best interests of anything or anybody except greed

bibbitybobbityCAT · 08/10/2009 11:13

mummee09 - hopefully you are buying your ds's clothes second hand from ebay and charity shops, gumtree etc?

My dh is a higher rate tax payer and lives at home with us and there is no way on this earth that I could afford to always buy new clothes and shoes for my two dc. I reckon I spend about £250 a year on new clothes and shoes for them. And about £100 on second hand. Thats £30 per month for the two children.

What else are you spending the money on? Presumably he doesn't go to clubs or lessons yet.

NeedCoffee · 08/10/2009 11:14

Hmm yeah I see what you're saying Mondaymonday, I just meant if she wanted to get a general idea, not to actually go through them.

But what I mean is, no matter of how much money is involved-why should the OP count herself lucky because other Mums don't get help from the sperm donors? I just hate to see that attitude, I can kind of understand it, but I certainly don't begrudge anyone getting maintenance even though I do not.

What if the OP had come on saying that her ex earned £100,000 a year, would the response have been different?

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 11:14

Brokkenharted - that's what I was thinking!! That the OP's partners wage, never mind her child benefit for 2 children, child tax credit for 2 children, one with the baby element til her DD is one etc, plus the maintenance she gets.

OP, you do know that every 3 year old is entitled to 12.5 free hours of childcare? Perhaps you could get a break that way, and it would benefit him socially etc

donkeyderby · 08/10/2009 11:16

mummee, he is paying what seems like reasonable maintenance and you are receiving the allowances plus you are being financially supported by another man. I agree that you shouldn't shop him to the benefits agency either: I would just try and get on with him as best I can for the sake of my child. An extra £25 per month isn't going to change much. Shame he doesn't take him on holiday - could you suggest this rather than more money?

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 11:16

I don't begrudge anyone getting maintenance when I don't, I don't want the bastards money anyway!!

Just saying that she seems to get more than enough already, so should be grateful, and not moan that she doesn't get even more!

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:17

needcoffee - but if she goes to the csa to find out how much she'd get, they will contact him for salary details, send him threatening letters with timescales yet and the risk of arrears, etc etc.