...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

[mummee09v]

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

ok, I'm one of the ones who called you greedy earlier, and I still think £125 a month is reasonable, but.......... for one off extras, over and above general costs, such as what you have described above, then I agree, he should contribute half of the cost.

And yes, I am bitter!! I said as much in an earlier post. I get fuck all for DD from my ex , but thats irrelevant.

Firstly, whoever it was that said they earn 12k and manage to save some of that - you do realise some parts of the country are evry expensive to live in? Where I live just outside London the average 2 bed house costs about £850 to rent, more if you want someone decent. That pretty much eats up 12k after tax in a year!

OP I do think YABU. It;s not about him having more money to spend is it? Why should he give you any more than half of what it costs to bring up your son? That's the only tie he has with your family after all. I have a 5 yr old, so I know what it costs to raise a child and it certainly isn't over £300 a month!!!

Also I've never heard a 3 yr old that needs new clothes and shoes EVERY month! That's just mad!

Also, there is nothing wrong with drssing your children in second hand clothes. Your son has one parent who works earning a decent ish wage (16k is still a relatively low wage IMO) and one who chooses to be a SAHM. Most families with only one wage need to budget and many of them buy second hand clothes as a way of keeping costs down!

Also, the only reason you are not working is because you choose to be a SAHM to your dd with your new partner. It's got nothing to do with your ex-p, if you were also earning a wage then I'm guessing you wouldn;t need more money off him?

I would expect him to contribute to any one off extars though. I do fail to see why a 3 yr old's uniform costs so much though?

Do you think perhaps you are living beyond your means and expecting your sons father to pick up the costs?

whoa. i get £15 a week from my ex for our 2yr old. he works full time and lives with his new gf and 2 kids. (one hers, one theirs)
i work part time (cant actually afford to work more) and have to pay for everything myself... including a £600pm nursery bill. when i told him how much i had to spend on her childcare so i could work he said 'thats not my problem'

i think you shud be thankful for what your getting. at least u can actually use it for something decent... all i get out of his £15 is part payment towards the £17 bus ticket that lasts a week, and gets her to nursery. forget about helping with food, clothes, toilletries, bills, rent, etc etc etc.

Rachy, sureky if you work part time only then your tax credits will cover 70% of that £600 a month nursery bill?

Why should he give his son any less than he can afford?

Why should children have a lifestyle that is lesser than that of one of their parents? Why should he get to cough up £30 a week whilst the resident parent pays EVERYTHING else?

I think you'll find it costs more than £60 a week to completely raise a child. Food, clothes,, shoes, books, toys, activities, meals in cafes - why should a child miss out on these things when his parents (or one of them at least) can afford to pay for them? Why should children have to subsist just because their dad doesn't live with them any more? WHY should his dad not feel the financial sting of providing properly for the child he created? I'd bet a fair wedge that the OP spends more than is 'strictly necessary' of her own money on her son - why should his dad not do this too? Never mind "Why should he?" - why should he not?

HEHEHE MUMMEEE09V!!!

totally see your point now there at school certainly does cost you a lot more and its much harder in finding employment..

and hunni i think you should go for it lol ask him for more your not being unreasonable if my partner seen our son on a less permanent basis i would ask for more but he does buy us shopping and if i needed anything for DS he would quite gladly get it on top of maintenence where AS YOURS DONT!! and PROBABLY spends it on MACDONALDS AND FRUIT SHOOTS LOL ! HEHEHEH#E!!!!

Colditz - agree completely. Reading the first part of thread I thought I was going mad. Its his child too, why the hell should she be grateful?? What century are we living in?

What is up with some of you, why are you so bitter? Just because some parents act like idiots doesn't mean if they actually slightly better they should be praised! Why cater for the lowest common denominator, why can't we raise the bar when it comes to parenthood?? He should want to pay for his child.

£125 is not a lot a month to pay for clothes, food, trips, bills, nursery etc etc.

If I didn't have my dd I could live in a shared house or flat as Colditz says, but I need 2 bedrooms and (preferably) a garden, therefore my mortgage costs £700 a month, and yes child maintenance is supposed to pay towards the house/bills etc as they relate to the child / children. I could also work more 'normal' hours and earn more pay etc.

And in case you're wondering my exH hasn't paid maintenance for 4 months. If he gives me a £5 now should I be grateful??

This is not directed at you Annie, but these threads remind me of the AIBU ones about parents babysitting...

"AIBU to be upset thaat my parents said no when sked to babysit for 1 nanosecond while I go into hospital for an operation?"

Hundreds of responses of:

"UABU - My parents have never babysat! Think yourself lucky! They have lives too you know!"

"My parents spat in my face when I gave birth! How can you be so demanding?!"

"Thats nothing - my parents actually wished my child dead! OP you are so grasping!" etc etc

What happened to common decency and people wanting to do the right thing?

OMG I had to leave the thread as I thought I was going crazy.

Totally agree with Colditz, Why should any Mother be grateful for receiving any money from their DC(s) Father, The Father was there at conception too!

When I said the OP should be grateful that she gets money from her ex, I didn't mean that she should be like "Oh, thankyou sooo much, how kind of you to give me some moeny for DS, I'm so grateful".....Hard to get across what I mean there, but you know, to her ex's face, thanking him as though he's doing her a favour, when in fact, it's something she's entitled to, and has a right to demand - of course she does, do you really think that as having split up from my own DDs father, and never having recieved a penny, that I would wish that on someone else?

What I was trying to say was that I think she already recieves a reasonable amount, and obviously OP feels otherwise, but that she should remember that actually, she is lucky to get anything at all, cos a lot of people don't.

I'm not very good at explaining myself am I?!

money obv not moeny!

i agree with cordonbleugh. i said 'grateful' to mean 'i wouldnt make a fuss about it' or 'leave it as it is, your getting a decent amount' ... not making the ex feel as though hes doing a favour. (which he isnt, its a duty as a parent, to support ones child)

It's very difficult to know where the line is between wanting a parent to support a child responsibly and deciding that a parent 'should' pay more because of a variety of circumstances in both parents' lives.

I'm not clear why OP feels that her ex 'should' pay more, as it seems a jumble of feelings about the amount paid out by her current bloke, and the living arrangements of the ex.

I know that people have said that OP shouldn't use the resources of the CSA as ex is paying, but it would mean the hassle would be passed on to someone else, and once sorted out, that would be the end of the OP being made to feel like she is 'begging' for the money that she is entitled to.

I actually found the CSA very user-friendly and efficient when I was finally driven to use them (as my ex had not paid a penny for 5 years) and although there was some fall-out at the time, it is all sorted out now, and everyone knows where they stand.

However, I wouldn't bank on getting much more money, given the rough amounts you've mentioned - but you might get some peace from having to ask.

NEEDMORECOFFE ... "The Father was there at conception too!"

Amen!!

so colditz, would you prefer the ex to have £0 to spend every other weekend with the child? (which he would have, if she gave EVERYTHING top the OP that you suggested he should). If the ex has more £ to spend on the child, then he should be able to choose how to spend that. Who is the OP to dictate how his £ are spent. She has freely admitted that she comfortably can afford the costs for the child with his maintenance and all the other benefits she gets for being the resident parent

As for the £200 you've calculated, this doesn't presumably take into account any deductions for pension, child in his household or contact costs

And the OP still hasn't confirmed who moved away, him or her?

My XP earns circa £30k a year and I get £12 a week for DD

I would be more than happy with £125 a month!

I'm assuming that if the father (or The Father) spent money on the child, then OP wouldn't be so bothered.

Good point about the CSA mmrred.

I know many people who have had a very difficult time with using them and been caused a great deal of stress as a result.

I've had to use them myself (whole ongoing story there). My XP, who is a company director on 50k plus, if you please - is refusing to co-operate with them. I don't expect to see the money any time soon, or even ever, knowing him - but that doesn't mean I can't or won't sympathise with the OP.

And I too really, really hate the attitude of men being praised to the very high heavens just for acting like halfway decent human beings! Wouldn't ANY decent person want to support their children?

Mondaymonday-OP did state earlier that it was ex that moved away.
CB-I get where you're coming form now