...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

[mummee09v]

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

if you dob him in you will be worse off.

he will officially be the provider for the child he is living with, his gf's child. csa will take that into consideration, that child, before yours. The child that he lives with will get x amount of hism oney, your own child gets a % of the remainder.

i know cos i have this situation. my ex hasn't contributed for 2-3 yrs tho. i held my head high and got on with it. Now he is a student and doesn't have to contribute anyhow.

shit aint it?

plus if oyu didn't have your partner living with you, and were on bens, you would only get a tenner.

the rest goes back into the system, the rest they take off him.

completely agree anniemac - and still they cost less than they collect, and destroy the lives of thousands of people in the process

cost more than they collect I mean!

Jesus what a nasty bunch!

I suspect there are some posters with an agenda here.

OP, I totally understand why you might feel a bit aggrieved (that's if you haven't been put off by some of the more venomous posts)but the amount your XP is paying given his access and salary (if its correct) sounds about right.

Clothes shopping - definitely buy second hand/ebay.

Really not worth going through CSA for the hassle it would cause if he is paying that voluntarily as you wouldn't get much more.

When I say £125 pm is about right, I'm basing that figure on what the CSA would be asking for given his estimated salary.

hello!! (you know who I am)

how about you try to reach an agreement for ex to buy some clothes? school uniform, shoes. i know you may not get a choice what he wears but for school that wouldn't matter. just say to ex that you have struggled with buying the uniform and could he help you out with it.

i have no idea what should be paid, but so you don't rock the boat i think asking for clothes could work. get ds's tattiest clothes out and show him.

i am guessing if he did buy clothes, the money you get each month would be sufficient to buy everything else you need to

i will reply to fb later xxx

thank you to everyone who has replied, even the ones who have implied i am being greedy etc!!!! i do appreciate the feedback.

i am not very good at arguing so i am not going to try and defend myself to those who slated me! but i will say i am not a grabber, just a mum trying to get by. as some others have said i did hope for a bit more solidarity as we are all mums here!! but fuck it your all entitled to your opinion anyway.

oh and some of you wondered how i know he and his gf are cheating benefits - he actually TOLD me, in a boastful "we dont have to pay rent ha ha lucky me" way......

oh and hello mamadoooooooo ooh wonder who you might be!! LOL thank u for the msg will speak to u later then!!xxxxx

Just because some dad's are shitstains of the face of the earth doesn't mean that deigning to show your face makes you a good dad! He's the child's FATHER, not some random bloke the OP has picked on in the street! He SHOULD pay for his child, he should pay AS MUCH AS HE CAN, wouldn't we?

I've worked out that 15% of 16000 PA is £200 per month. That is what he legally should be paying and I don't see why the fuck you should settle for a penny less.

All you twats telling the OP she is being greedy - are you listening to yourselves? Is this what you would want for your own daughters? IS this disenfranchisement of fatherhood what you would want for your sons. It takes two people to make a baby - the op's whole life, bar 576 hours per YEAR, is turned over to her child. The child's other parent should be damn well ashamed!

I would skin my boys alive if they ever tried to worm out of supporting their children.

If I didn't have children I would be living in a shared house with a friend, and not having to provide 2 bedrooms, a garden and an unshared bathroom. It does cost more to accomadate children. I wouldn't bother heating my house, nor would I bother having a computer. I would be able to do shift work, and have a much higher income than is currently available to me.

I wouldn't swap my children, but they change your life. The cost of a child is not just what they eat.

THANK YOU COLDITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

applauds

exactly what i would have said if i was a bit more articulate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!xxxxxxxx

15% OF 16,000 is £200 a month, if this is the gross salary.

Very well said colditz!

That's what I would have liked to say if had more time and was more eloquent.

Unfortunately the problem is moral obligation and legal obligation are two very different things. This is why so many Ex's get away with paying very little.

And I'm pretty sure CSA woulddn't assess contributions as any more than that.

very, very, well said colditz.

FWIW my suggestion of working out in detail what it costs you (including parties etc) and expecting him to contribute half (to be fiar it isn;t his fault you can't work becuase you are pregnant with a child that isn;t his) is meant to be a minimum not a cap. If he is enjoying a better quality of life than his son then he should be paying more.... though I'm still shocked that you are so scthing about second hand clothes!

Anyway - hello reality bites - I think you're a namechanger who I know.... new job - no time to mumsnet during the day (usually)and been sick for about 6 months so in bed most evenings.

I don't think the OP is in any way being greedy, and I am curious about how people come up how "much it costs" to raise a child.
W

Colditz has said it all really.

Frankly many of you sound seriously bitter.

oh and DS started part time school last month, cost us about £80 in total for his school jumpers, pairs of trousers, shirts, school shoes, trainers, PE kit and haircut. ex refused to contribute, saying, well take it out the maintenance!!

and thanks again for the posters who have seen my point and stuck up for me.x