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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

256 replies

mummee09v · 08/10/2009 10:15

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

OP posts:
DeFluffMyFanjo · 08/10/2009 20:20

And anyway OP said ages ago that it was him that moved away.

Tequila - just because you don't get the money you should doesn't mean that the OP shouldn't either. If your XP only pays £12 a week surely that can't right?

Janos · 08/10/2009 20:21

Sorry...I should have prefaced the second sentence with 'However' as that makes more sense!

StewieGriffinsMom · 08/10/2009 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

colditz · 08/10/2009 20:26

Please point out to me, MondayMonday, where I suggested that a child's father should give EVERYTHING he owns? I merely suggested he should want to give everything he can AFFORD - and a man on 16 grand a year with no housing costs can clearly afford to give his child more than £30 a week!

More money would make a big difference. Music lessons, riding, trips to the seaside (which NRPs so often don't wish to do), all the the little aspirational things that can help to make a childhood. Fatherhood isn't all about the money, but this man has his son for under 600 hours a YEAR - he's hardly putting in major coalface parenting, is he?

colditz · 08/10/2009 20:27

I just don't understand how a man of moderate means could be haggling over money to raise his child. It's clearly not because he wants to do it himself, or he'd put a bit more effort in, the pathetic turd!

TequilaMockinBird · 08/10/2009 20:31

DeFluffMyFanjo - I didnt say the OP shouldnt be getting what she does, only that I'd be more than happy with £125 a month after battling for years to get the measly £12 a week that I do get. And no, it isn't right but tbh I cant be bothered to fight him/CSA anymore, at least he's paying something I guess.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 20:34

the pwc is a SAHM, the father earns £16k. FGS, music and riding lessons - WTF planet are you on

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 20:35

and how would the OP know what the ex spends on the child every other weekend? At 3yo, I doubt her and the child have a very indepth conversation about it

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 20:37

I also called you greedy earlier but agree about splitting one off costs.

The other thing is (and i know this wont go down well.... deep breath) he was there at conception blah blah blah BUT you left him. As it was your decision to leave the relationship I think you should cover your own housing bills... and he SHOULD only cover baby costs.
(obviously i don't know the details so that point could be completely invalid - i do appreciate that)

Janos · 08/10/2009 20:40

Why on earth are you so keen to attack the OP and defend her ex mondaymonday? The tone of your posts has been pretty rude and antagonistic right from the start.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 20:42

I'm not defending her ex, but I fail to understand why the OP feels he needs to contribute towards her lifestyle as a sahm with her new partner, when she has freely agreed that with his current level of mainenance she can very comfortably cover the costs of this child

colditz · 08/10/2009 20:42

I am on a POOR planet. Thanks for your concern.

Another £20 a week would pay for music OR riding lessons. Or soft play. Or activities like TumbleTots. What is wrong with having fun? There's no need to get cross just because you misunderstood what I said about how much a father should contribute.

There is no reason why he should not pay more towards the upkeep of his child. None.

Who are these men who expect other men to fund their children?

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 20:43

What attacks? This is an opinion thread and MM is doing just that. Women so often gang up together and attack the men but this is a question of money and what he should/ should not give. OP has made it clear she does not need the money so why should she get it?

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 20:43

colditz, he is paying toward the upkeep of he child though. In fact he's paying more than the OP, because she doesn't earn anything at all

Janos · 08/10/2009 20:44

By your logic BrokkenHarted, if a woman leaves an abusive relationship with her DCs she should only expect 'baby costs' (I'm guessing you mean pay for the child only).

If you think about that one for a moment, it just doesn't make sense.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 20:48

and colditz given you feel so strongly about a parent's financial contribution towards the child, why do you think it's ok for her to choose not to work? (btw I am not suggesting she should work, just that if the father should be financially contributing, which he is, then I can't see why you're on your high horse about him, but haven't mentioned the fact that she also could be paying for more 'treats' if she chose to work)

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 20:48

No that is not what i said! Where in this topic did OP say it was abusive? I missed that! That is why i said the point could be invalid - for a reason like that.

I said "if she chose to leave" a 'normal' broken up reationship is what i should have follwed with

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 20:49

janos now you're making things up. This isn't about an abusive man

Janos · 08/10/2009 20:56

I'm not accusing the ex of being abusive. Where did I say that? I was describing a theoretical situation.

At the end of the day the reason why a relationship ends should have no bearing whatsoever on the amount of maintenance paid. Because it's the child that misses out. Not the parent.

Just because OP left her ex, why should her DC get less? That's why it's called CHILD MAINTENANCE.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 20:58

this child isn't missing out though, the OP has admitted she has enough for the child. The reasons she has given for wanting more are mainly that her DP gives more to his ex (although he also earns more than her ex), her friend gets more, and she is pissed off because her ex pays no rent

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 21:01

Exactly AGAIN! The extra money would NOT go to her DC though, it would go straight in her pocket! Child looses nothing! Her DC is getting a FAIR amount now. A 3 year old does NOT cost all that she gets for her DC and if she does spend as much or even more than she gets on DC that is because she choses to do WAY extra or buy WAY more clothes than DC needs. Why should dad have to pay for that? He can spend money on doing extra with DC himself. Whether he does or not is nothing to do with her or Child Maitenence!

MaggieBehave · 08/10/2009 21:04

I get nothing from my kids' dad, but that's NOT to say that OP is being unreasonable. Her x should give a bit more. BUT OP, you know yourself what he's like. Mine is of a similar mindset. He wants to see the children whenever he wants but if I ask for money he screams "it's all about money with you". This from the man who earns 90k a year and gives his two kids not one red cent...

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 21:04

I say about who left because she chose to create two houses to be paid for instead of one! At the end of the day the ex is paying for his own place which his DC also spends time in. I'm afraid you cant turn your bills off for the rest of the month so that particular argument about 'should be paying for housing costs' is totally invalid!

DeFluffMyFanjo · 08/10/2009 21:11

£125 a month is enough to pay for a 3 yr old? I must tell my dd's nursery that as that cost £400 a month when she was 3...

And then there's food, clothes, travel etc etc...

TrickOrNinks · 08/10/2009 21:12

I'm not sure if OP is BU, I'll have to think a bit more, but can I point out the, "pay me more maintenance" in the thread title?

I noticed it because it was a real bugbear of mine when I was futilely trying to get ExH to contribute anything towards DD. It would really get my goat when he referred to giving me money

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