...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

[mummee09v]

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

Reality, SOMEONE has to pay to keep a child fed, watered, clothed, shod, housed. In principle that cost should be shared 50:50 between the parents if they are both working.

Of course the non-resident parent can't contribute more than they actually have after deductions for their own reasonable expenses.

But that doesn't change the principle that both parents are equally responsible for meeting the child's needs, whether they are living together or not.

Tell me about it, in the 1980s my father was paying £25 a week for my sister and I, despite earning a very, very good wage in senior management.

but reality, if say (totally hypothetically), the child costs £200 per month, and the NRP is paying £600pm. Where does the extra £400 go? Will the PWC really spend it on the ex's child, or put it into the overall household pot. And don't suggest the PWC would buy more clothes/treat that child more, because I really doubt that would happen in a household which has other children in it. The reality (excuse the pun) is that the PWC would benefit, not the child

reality, no need to resort to such low behaviour as to call people names. What you say is only the case if the mother spends the extra on the child. Personally I might buy myself a lovely new coat or 2 this month I've got £400 spare.....

To be honest i would expect more of the mums on here to show a little solidarity!!

I have one son and it costs me and my Dp a damn sight more than £125 a month to raise him!! Bloody hell last month he needed new coat and shoes and a birthday party booking and I'd already spent more than that! Thats without even thinking about feeding him, housing him, amusing him etc etc etc!!

If DP and split up i would be disgusted to be offered £125 a month and would expect DP to get a second job to help out more than that to be honest.

The Mums current situation, ie living with new partner is totally irrelevant in my opinion. But the fact that the ex is exploiting the welfare state and yet still only coughing up £35 a week says it all- what will £35 buy ffs, one night in the pub!!

who said the child was going without?

or she could save it, whatever, what my point is, is that the extra does not necessarily benefit the child at all. Once a child's needs are met (and unless you want to spoil him/her etc), then at the end of the day, any extra will be spent/saved elsewhere in the household

reality, I'm not actually suggesting anything of the sort. You suggested that a pwc should receive everything an nrp can 'afford', regardlesss of what the child's needs are. I'm merely countering that. In fact I think that reasonable adults should agree what is reasonable, not just screw eachother for every last penny

On your argument now about the financial situation reflecting if they'd stayed together, that's just silly. So if the pwc meets a new man who earns a fortune but the ex earns peanuts, the child should live on peanuts?! No, of course you would expect the child's new circumstances to reflect the new situation

Those of you saying 125 sounds 'about right', what exactly are you basing this opinion on???

There is a calculator on the CSA website, if you put in the non-resident parents income as 16000 net, it says he should be paying £287 per month.

It's up to the OP if the extra 60 quid per month would be worth the aggrivation, but she IS entitled to it if she wants it.

mrsmontano - the OP's ex is thought to be on £16k gross, not net

sorry I did mean gross

the concept of what someone can afford to pay is by no means an exact science though. So there has to be a calculation (unless 2 adults can agree what is reasonable). It would be silly to suggest that an nrp should pay all his 'spare' income for example to the pwc. It would be preferable imo, after a reasonable payment to the pwc, for the nrp to spend the money directly on his child

It has been fairly clearly established that even if the OP went to the csa, then quite apart from the many other issues, it is very unlikely she would get much more. She however, because of people she knows, etc etc, if fairly determined to try to get more. This is not uncommon by any means

£125 per month for one child doesnt sound that far off on £16k gross. Ex-h is SE and had net profit of £17k last year and we get £67 a week for 2 DSs.

£125 a month is easily a pair of trainers, a pair of shoes, a couple of new outfits, a haircut, a new coat a month if you shop in supermarkets or cheaper places - and most kids dont need stuff that often. Or alternatively, £125 for me would feed the kids for a month. (I spend £60 a week, but thats at least half for me - so just the kids is about £30 a week)

tbh I think YABU.

I think that the OP's ex is paying a reasonable amount, it seems to be in line with the CSA's own calculator.

I think to argue with an ex for the sake of an extra £25 a month is silly. The arrangement has been working well, it seems (to me) not worth the hassle of asking, him refusing, everyone getting huffy.

Maintenance should probably go up every year, the OP should ask again when its due to go up and negotiate then. DISCLAIMER: I have never received a penny off my ex-h so am probably talking out of my arse!!

on the same basis, many peoples' income is actually going down. probably won't be many pwc's asking for a reduction though

mrsmontano: basing my opinion on the CSA website and what the CSA tell my DP he should pay as we are in a simular circumstance.