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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

256 replies

mummee09v · 08/10/2009 10:15

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

OP posts:
Boys2mam · 08/10/2009 11:54

How else would you divide up the costs of the Household then monday?

lilyjen · 08/10/2009 11:56

I think your lucky to get maintenance and 2 weekends free a month. He's doing his bit which is more than most men, the amount might seem unfair but in reality it's not bad at all. Don't get too crazy about it, ex relationships are fractious enough i'd say let it go for the sake of yr child..and yr new partner may do more for yr child right now but I garuntee if that relationship broke down he wd have nothing to do with yr son so maybe cut yr ex some slack?

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 11:57

£22,000 a year is a bloody good wage!!!!

I worked out that as a single parents, if I wanted to be able to be financially independent, get no housing benefit etc, and pay for everything out of my wages, I would need to be in a job that paid £14,000 a year. And that's paying for everything from my salary, not including the tax credits, child benefit etc I would still be entitled to.

So £22,000 a year, plus the benefits the OP gets for herself is A LOT of money.

Unless they are trying to cover living expenses for a mansion, with employed staff etc on that wage, then they should be more than comfortably living on that income!

IMVHO

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:57

The OP has her and new new partner (and their joint child) need a house to live in, regardless of whether the first child lives there or not, to really I do not agree that the ex should contribute towards these. And don't go suggesting they need to live in a bigger house because 2 DC's, because I do not agree that anyone on an income of £16k/£22k whatever actually moves house when a new child arrives (unless they live in a bedsit of course)

carriedababi · 08/10/2009 11:58

monday monday, i think the ex should be paying for heating housing costs towards his child, becauuse it his responsibilty!

just because theres loads of assholes out there that don't have the consience to worry about properly supporting their child and don't pay any maintenece doesn't need the op should accept less than fair.

op its so difficult when you just don't know how much hes earning

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 12:00

heating - so say the 'heating' bill is £100pm. And 'say' the ex is liable for 1/4 of this, that's £25pm. So out of the £125pm, that leaves £100pm. That, imvho, is more than enough to cover half of food and clothing costs for a 3yo

carriedababi · 08/10/2009 12:02

gas electric council tax housing costs food.
more than 150 a month imo
not to mention cost fro the child such as clothes toys etc

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 12:03

council tax is a fixed cost, and the OP and her new partner would be paying this regardless. Only variable costs should be included

Boys2mam · 08/10/2009 12:04

rent/council tax/electric/food/clothes/water rates???

witcheseve · 08/10/2009 12:04

£22,000 is a gross figure not the amount of take home pay. If you have children and are earning less that this then tax credits/housing benefit will top it up to the net figure.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 12:05

also carrie - to take your point about responsibility, the ex may have the view that well if the OP only had his DC and her living in a smaller propery, the housing costs would be a fraction of what they are now. So why should he pay a fraction of a larger housing bill, just because the OP has decided to move in with a new partner and have another child?

also if she was living on her own with the child, her council tax would be lower, so why should ex. contribute towards higher council tax bill just because OP has a new partner?

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 12:06

ah, I wasn't aware that an adult without a child didn't pay for rent, electric, council tax, gas, electric, etc

vampyrekisses · 08/10/2009 12:06

this is getting silly

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 08/10/2009 12:17

I have to agree with MondayMonday actually.
I expect my ex to pay me my maintenance every month but I don't actually expect that figure to include any housing costs TBH.
Maybe that's me being incorrect but DH and I chose this house and would have to live in it and heat it etc without my children so I don't expect ex to contribute to that aspect of the dc's expenses.

carriedababi · 08/10/2009 12:17

the first child doesn't cease to be a responsibilty whn the mother gets a new partner.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 12:20

no carrie, but the child does not drive these costs. The ex should only be responsible for costs which actually relate to the child which is his reponsibility. This is not the same thing as the overall household costs

carriedababi · 08/10/2009 12:25

if i was a father i would not expect my ex and her new partner to pay for the cost to provide my child a home, warmth and food.

cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 12:29
Hmm
mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 12:29

carrie if you were to follow you argument through - given that, say, a non-resident parent has the child 2 weekends per month, this means that he needs to maintain a home also for the child. This includes (under your argument) the rent/mortgage, council tax, insurance, etc costs which are fixed. Therefore (again under your argument, not mine), the parent with care should also compensate the non-resident parent for these. No, that would be silly, so the net effect would be not to include them

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 08/10/2009 12:31

No the maintenacne goes towards food and clothing but my ex didn't choose my house he had no say in it and although we partly chose the house to fit all the dc's in they had no say either so we see it as our responsibility to keep the house and my ex pays his monthly contribution to help feed and clothe the children, I suppose it all comes from the same pot in the end anyway but I don't expect extra because of my choice of accomodation I get the percentage of his income that I should get and accept that and am happy with that.

mumof2teenboys · 08/10/2009 12:36

The OP and her new partner have a child and live together. They would be paying rent/mortgage/gas/electric/broadband/food etc if she had a child with her ex or not.

The ex cannot be expected to pay for things that are going to be used anyway. The maintenance is for the child to pay for clothes(?) hobbies/extras. Not day to day expenses.

The amount of money the OP gets is more than enough to enable the child to have plenty of extras. No child needs new clothes/shoes every month. There will be months when hardly any money needs to be spent, then months were lots needs to be spent.

I think that the OP is being unrealistic about what maintenance is for and how much is reasonable.

RealityBites · 08/10/2009 12:51

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Kewcumber · 08/10/2009 12:52

I really don;t haqve an opinion on whtehr you should get more in maintenance form your ex. I do think you should work out what your DS costs EXTRA that you wouldn't already be paying and that could include a share of rent/mortgage iIF you have an extra bedroom for DS that you wouldn;t otherwise have had. Itemise it all and ask ex for half. If he won;t pay then you haven;t lost anything if he does you've gained.

Pointless some saying - I get nothing, be grateful you get anything. I support DS and I alone but that isn;t relevant to anyone else.

What does shock me is your attitude to second hand clothes. DS has been 80% kitted out in second hand clothes all his life and most people comment on how beautiful his clothes are. And at three lets be honest, he won't care a stuff - it's YOU that cares. If he's growing out of stuff monthly and you're short of money then you're an idiot if you're buying everything new in the shops rather than Ebay and charity shops and I wouldn;t be inclined to give you more money if I were your ex either.

RealityBites · 08/10/2009 12:53

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Message withdrawn

Kelix · 08/10/2009 13:21

If your that bothered contact the CSA they will tell you exactly how much he has to pay. Theres no point deciding what YOU think he shoule pay as thats irrelevant!

I think £125 a month on a (estimated/made up wage) is about right and will go a long way to supporting your child - thats MY opinion. My DP pays somewhere around that and earns a simular amount.

You sound as tho you are doing OK re: getting on with ex - making sure your child is happy & seeing both his parents regually and your getting what is PROBABLY a fair amount of money? I really wouldn't rock the boat if I were you. DP's ex demanded more money and went to the CSA - he ended up having to pay less!