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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

256 replies

mummee09v · 08/10/2009 10:15

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mummee09v · 08/10/2009 11:17

"mummee - tbh though, the fact that you are not working because of your 4mo DD has nothing go do with the father of your first child. So it has become clear that in fact you do want him to pay more because of your current situation with your new family

Also if he is working and the distance between you is 100 miles, I think the weekend contact sounds great. I think we are collectively struggling to understand what your problem is"

monday monday - my point about being at home with DD was just to illustrate that we do not have much money as a family, so i am not being greedy, i just think he should be paying more for his own child. its NOTHING to do with my new situation. and my ex CHOSE to move 100 miles away from us i might add - we didnt move away from him.

my DF's ex gets £220 a month off my DF for their DD, 12, (who he hasnt been allowed to see for a year!! but thats another thread haha) and he does NOT begrudge paying her that because he wants his DD to have nice things and for her mum not to struggle financially trying to provide for her and pay bills etc. and his ex has a new partner and also 2 other kids from someone else who she gets maintenance for as well AND she works!! but my DF doesn't choose to pry into her new situation, and how much money she has, and what her bloke earns, etc etc, he just wants the best for his kid!! and i ADMIRE him for giving her what he does, it shows how much he cares for his DD.

oh and i might add that for the 1st year after i left my ex he did not pay A PENNY for his son, i had to beg and plead for literally a year to even get him to pay ANYTHING.

OP posts:
cordonbleugh · 08/10/2009 11:22

well, good luck with trying to get more money, honestly, but I don't hold out much hope for you!

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:22

mummee - I think you should stop thinking about what other people are getting and realise that actually your situation is quite good

You don't seem to have answered the questions about why you think you child costs more than you are getting

simply put (again). If you ex is paying £125, and should be contributing max. half of cost along with you, that's £250pm. Add £80 child benefit is £330, plus any tax credits. What amount of food and clothes are you paying for that costs anywhere near this for a 3yo?

Original poster
mummee09v · 08/10/2009 11:24

i just think that my ex can afford to pay a LOT more, i only want maybe another £25 to 50 quid a month, so why the hell shouldn't he pay!!! if he didnt earn much or didnt work then i would be more sympathetic but the fact is he earns good money AND lives rent free courtesy of the tax payer!!!!!!!!

and why the hell should i buy my sons clothes off ebay and out of charity shops etc just coz his dads too bloody tight to stick his hand in his pocket!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
NeedCoffee · 08/10/2009 11:25

CB-I didn't say that you did just that the attitude that the op should be grateful for what she gets, moneywise and contact-wise annoys me, I think its probably the whole view that single Mothers should appreciate whatever crumbs the Fathers may throw at them (not saying this is your view) is what really gets me mad.

Monday-what if she gave no names, just the amount she thought He was earning etc?

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:26

OP it's more than clear that this has got nothing to do with what your child needs but just you trying to get every last penny you can from your ex

I have got a very good job and don't spend anywhere near what you're getting on my child per month. And yes, I do buy clothes second hand and from ebay

claw3 · 08/10/2009 11:27

Mummee09 - My ex hasnt paid a penny in 11 years and as i said earlier would do anything to get out of paying, even move house.

All i have ever done is encourage him to see the kids, it even cost me money having to drop them off and pick them up, otherwise he wouldnt have bothered seeing them.

He owns his house, lives with a women who has 4 kids of her own and they have 1 between them. He races and owns go karts as a hobby, so not like he is skint.

As the kids have got have got older, they have realised its my DP who buys their clothes and pays for everything. Oldest ds (15) once said to me 'how come dad can afford to buy his own house, race karts etc, but cant afford to buy me a new pair of trainers'.

They have reached their own conclusions about their dad and ds 15, doesnt want to see him and doesnt think very highly of him and has a very good relationship with DP.

Some might say ive been a mug, but who is the real mug, losing out on a relationship with your son.

I suppose what im trying to say, is just do your part and dont worry about what your ex is doing.

bibbitybobbityCAT · 08/10/2009 11:31

Re. the second hand clothes - calm down - why not consider it as an option and save yourselves some money? You cite having to buy clothes for ds as a reason for being skint. We are very hard up in my family too. So we try and live within our means and a good way to do that is to buy our dc's clothes second hand.

Boys2mam · 08/10/2009 11:31

There was a thread recently about a Mum who wanted to see her children more but the Dad, who the kids were resident with was refusing - I think she had them alternate weekends. The fact that your ex has your DS 2 weekends per month seems very reasonable to means as time goes on and DS is in school alternate weekends will be your only fun, quality time with him.

On the money issue, YANBU. Why the hell should child benefit and tax credits stop ex taking responsibility for his son. What it costs to raise him is irrelevant, thats why the CSA use salary to determine the amount. The issue is you don't know his salary but I would definately ask him to review the amount.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:34

boystomam - so even though the amount is very comfortably covering costs, you should go for more just because you can . Great attitude

and why are you suggesting her ex isn't taking responsibility for his child - have you even read the thread?

GypsyMoth · 08/10/2009 11:35

op....pick your battleas wisely! i think,as do majority here,that you are getting quite a good deal from him.

i would wait it out til your ds starts school,when his expenses will rocket more. THEN negotiate a little more money,and perhaps some holiday contact time with his dad?

witcheseve · 08/10/2009 11:36

£22,000 isn't a great income so not fair to call her a silly woman for feeling hard up at them moment especially when the partner is paying more maintenance than she is getting.

Does your partner get tax credits on that income? Above the £10 per week. Also if you add up all the benefits that an average family is entitled too there are not many families living under this income level. Even if no-one in the household is working the income from the state for an average family isn't much less than that.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:37

The OP's current partner is paying more maintenance than the OP is receiving because her partner earns considerably more than her ex

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 11:41

Exactly, this is all about you NOT your child - stinking attitude!

As for the clothes - if you cant budget properly and keep clothes decent then i think he should pay you LESS so you have to learn to budget so you teach his child good habits.

AGAIN i will say it - stop whining - you are not skint - you get plenty money - GROW UP and stop being so fecking greedy.

Boys2mam · 08/10/2009 11:42

The Dad ducked out of paying until she managed to force persuade him then he has stuck to that amount for 2 years. He will no doubt have had a raise in those 2 years and even judgements as part of a divorce can be reviewed after just 1 year. Yes she should go for more money, not just "because she can" but because its fair on their child that the father contributes fairly. Responsibility means financial as well as seeing him, even if thats means the Dad has to do without something for himself so he knows he's being fair on the mother of his child and his son.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:44

the father is contributing fairly. I can't believe (particularly given the OP's attitude) that if he really hadn't paid for a year she didn't go to the csa

Danthe4th · 08/10/2009 11:44

Why not open a bank account for your child and suggest that instead of giving you the extra £25 a month it could be put away for the expence of school uniforms, school shoes, bikes etc.

witcheseve · 08/10/2009 11:45

Yes but he doesn't have another child to support in fact he is committing fraud living with a woman claiming benefits.

I don't think the OP is getting a raw deal, lot better that I've ever had, just pointing out that £22,000 is only a basic living wage.

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 11:48

I live on £12,000 happily and still can put mmoney away each money!

Basic living wage?? Shows the state of our nation!

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:48

witcheseve - given that the OP lives 100 miles away from her ex, she seems to know an awful lot abou the financial circumstances of his new partner . Someimes what people think is the case is not necessarily so

BrokkenHarted · 08/10/2009 11:49

But that is another topic altogether

Oh i've really got going this morning. Think i better go take my judgy pants off - the chemicals from them are seeping into my body!!

edam · 08/10/2009 11:50

I'm damn sure ds costs us more than £250 a month (£125x 2 as dh and I are a couple) so I don't think YABU. You have to factor in the household costs too, not just food and clothes - you and his father both have a responsibility to house ds, and that includes a proportion of council tax/water/phone/heat/light, etc. etc. etc. (And these days once they are at school I think broadband is a a justifiable expense too.

Boys2mam · 08/10/2009 11:52

I agree with that mondaymonday -

OP, how do you know that ex's partner is committing benefit fraud? I can't imagine he would have told you that. Plus, some Sales jobs aren't that good on basic.

Still think I would be speaking to him though, see if you can review the amount.

mondaymonday · 08/10/2009 11:52

edam - so if the OP's first child did not live there, the housing/council tax/broadband costs etc. would be lower/not paid??? What a load of nonsense. I'm sure the 3yo is always on the internet

Bramshott · 08/10/2009 11:53

I think the real root of the issue here is that you are only getting £125 pm from your ex, whereas your DP is paying £220 pm to his ex. I think you need to separate the two things in your mind - yes, maybe your ex is being a little bit less generous than he could be, and maybe your DP is being a little more generous than he needs to be, but hey, that's why you're not with your ex any more, and are with your current DP!

Yes, maybe in theory he should be paying £150 pm rather than £125, but is it really worth going through another "huge shouting match" to get it?!