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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask friend, who came from abroad to visit new baby & family, to leave?

473 replies

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 11:48

This is my first AIBU, please be gentle with me. i really am in a dilemma about this and willing to consider all viewpoints. she in in house with me now, so typing fast. apols in advance for typos and poss having to 'reveal by stealth'. tia

friend came last week to visit me, newborn and family. after two days she states that she came on open ticket and had come to 'help'. however, as my cousin is living with and helping me, my friend has decided to get a job until christmas, before flying back home.

so, yesterday, she enquired in the local shopping centre and updated her cv. this has MY address and phone number on. she didnt ask in advance and i was too chicken to say anything at the time. im worried this is the thin end of the wedge and that she will need bank account, NI number etc in my address.

the overall situation is far from ideal. she is sleeping on the settee, has a bag in the hallway and another in my bedroom. there are a total of 7 people now living in my 3 bedroom home. no mention has been made,by me or her, about this arrangement. am usually mindful to use appliances at night, when its cheaper. she puts on heating, washing machine, tumble drier without a second thought and its starting to rile me. she also involves with managing children, to which i have commented, but i dont want her to feel gauche and unwelcome. i feel bad typing this post and maybe shouldnt say anything? i have 3 week old, is it my hormones and aibu?

OP posts:
JulesJules · 07/10/2009 12:46

TBH I wouldn't get bogged down with excuses about needing a different address for bank etc. She will be able to argue with that, and it is not the point, is it? I think you need to be absolutely clear with her that she cannot stay because You Have Just Had a Baby. You cannot cope with putting her and her stuff up any longer. She can move to brothers house at the weekend where she can stay for a week and after that she will need to make her own arrangements. And don't be persuaded to change your mind/let her stay a bit longer etc.

Go and do it, come and tell us and then sit down with a big bar of chocolate.

mazzystartled · 07/10/2009 12:50

I agree with Fab
Don't explain
don't apologise
Tell her how wonderful, how TOUCHED you are that she wants to be around to celebrate your new baby
But you need your sofa to sit on with the baby at 3am when she wakes
Smile
If you argues, just keep smiling and nodding and don't listen

JulesJules · 07/10/2009 12:50

Vada alla casa dei fratelli!

(Go to brother's house!)

(I think...)

SkaterGrrrrl · 07/10/2009 12:57
Pumpkinbummum · 07/10/2009 12:58

Marks place on thread to see what she says

BTW agree with all of the above, I love all my friends dearly but the thought of them staying on my seattee for even one night when I have just had a baby actually I can't put it into words, it just wouldn't be happening

hurry up tell her it really dosen't suit this is family bonding time!!

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn · 07/10/2009 13:00

Good luck

Remember to stay strong and be firm

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 07/10/2009 13:03
Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/10/2009 13:05
MollieO · 07/10/2009 13:06

You could try saying "va fanculo" (excuse spelling mistakes my written Italian is very rusty). I am not going to translate!

SmallScrewCap · 07/10/2009 13:12

Yep - keep with the stuck record, keep saying that you don't want any extra visitors right now, don't get drawn into reasons, excuses and "What ifs" -

  • just stick with "I don't want anyone extra staying right now." It is VERY hard for someone to argue against you when a) you have stated that you don't want it and b) you are totally justified because as JulesJules says You Have Just Had A Baby.

Good luck!

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 07/10/2009 13:13

What a horrible thing to happen!

Can people just hop over here and get a job? Wouldn't she have to apply for a working visa? Or is she from this country?

I think you may have been used... perhaps as a stepping stone. How horrible when you've got a new baby etc.

I would just sit her down, with your DP too, and explain to her that you cannot possibly have her sleeping on your sofa until xmas when you have a newborn baby. However, you will be very happy to help her find somewhere to stay etc.

FABIsInTraining · 07/10/2009 13:13

anything?

jasper · 07/10/2009 13:17

Really can't believe the insensitivity of your friend.
I am the most hospitable person in the world but the idea of a friend from abroad coming as a surprise to stay indefinitely gives me the heeby jeebies.

THAT'S WITHOUT HAVING A NEWBORN BABY

I look forward to your update

honeybehappy · 07/10/2009 13:19

RenderedSpeechless Do you get any time alone with your baby with people staying at your house?

I really dont get it TBH you have your DP and a cousin to help why on earth does she think staying till xmas would be ok?

NeedCoffee · 07/10/2009 13:20

[SHOCK] I get jittery with guests after one night!

NeedCoffee · 07/10/2009 13:21

tut i meant

paisleyleaf · 07/10/2009 13:21

Just checking. I have to go out soon.

Just remember RS, you are NOT BU.

MrsChemist · 07/10/2009 13:32

Hope she has told her friend she is welcome to bugger off.

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 13:32

ok, had THE CHAT. she didnt take it that graciously. maybe it came out wrong an d i ended up offending her. she said i havent included her much or allowed her to help, even when she offers. i said, thats part of the problem as im trying to find my feet with the newborn while making sure the other 2 children dont feel sidelined.

she said paying for a room somewhere wont be worth it as she will have little left out of anything she may earn - esp with bills and food. i did [wtf emotion]. also that she's sad i dont appreciate her visit.

i explained that we both feel awkward, but my focus is on my newborn and family right now.

oh and it turns out that her 'open ticket' was actually a ONE WAY TICKET, so she needs to earn the money to buy the return flight home. and there was i thinking she was here to help me! maybe she was expecting me to pay her for that help. actually, i wont even go there.

ive said she can stay till friday. i feel more angry that bad for evicting her, if im honest.

i know its not italian, but c'est la vie.
thanks again ladies. im sure we'll both calm down and take no offence from this.

OP posts:
Chickenshavenolips · 07/10/2009 13:35

The cheeky mare

Niknak21 · 07/10/2009 13:36

you also have 2 other children!

You have been very patient and definately not BU, good luck and stand firm

SmallScrewCap · 07/10/2009 13:36

One way ticket?! Confirmation (if it were needed) that you have done the right thing.

WELL DONE, that must have been tiring.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/10/2009 13:37

She did not ask you if she could come. She has been very insensitive (at best). You are right not to feel bad.

TheCrackFox · 07/10/2009 13:37

How old is she? She sounds like she is 13. A spoilt princess 13 year old at that.

Has she somehow got you confused with her own mother? How on Earth does she think it is your responsibility to put a roof over her head and food in her stomach?

I am actually angry on your behalf.

Do not feel bad. She is taking the piss.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/10/2009 13:38

Yes, well done !