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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask friend, who came from abroad to visit new baby & family, to leave?

473 replies

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 11:48

This is my first AIBU, please be gentle with me. i really am in a dilemma about this and willing to consider all viewpoints. she in in house with me now, so typing fast. apols in advance for typos and poss having to 'reveal by stealth'. tia

friend came last week to visit me, newborn and family. after two days she states that she came on open ticket and had come to 'help'. however, as my cousin is living with and helping me, my friend has decided to get a job until christmas, before flying back home.

so, yesterday, she enquired in the local shopping centre and updated her cv. this has MY address and phone number on. she didnt ask in advance and i was too chicken to say anything at the time. im worried this is the thin end of the wedge and that she will need bank account, NI number etc in my address.

the overall situation is far from ideal. she is sleeping on the settee, has a bag in the hallway and another in my bedroom. there are a total of 7 people now living in my 3 bedroom home. no mention has been made,by me or her, about this arrangement. am usually mindful to use appliances at night, when its cheaper. she puts on heating, washing machine, tumble drier without a second thought and its starting to rile me. she also involves with managing children, to which i have commented, but i dont want her to feel gauche and unwelcome. i feel bad typing this post and maybe shouldnt say anything? i have 3 week old, is it my hormones and aibu?

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 07/10/2009 12:30

No you're right, it's not your (or your siblings) duty to put her up
I'd just wondered if she had other friends, or even family, over here.

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 12:31

thanks for all your support, sorry have addressed indiv posts, but they've all helped. anyone know for sure if she's allowed to work in uk?

OP posts:
geraldinetheluckygoat · 07/10/2009 12:31

you could even cushion kicking her out with a speech like this
"You know, thank god you are such a brilliant friend, I would feel so worried about hurting your feelings, but since were so close, I know you wont take it the wrong way and wont take offence!" Then tell her to GO!

StealthPolarBear · 07/10/2009 12:31

the fact she's from abroad is in the title
[baby brain]
sorry!

Sagacious · 07/10/2009 12:32

Do it do it do it

[wot Merrylegs suggested]

FABIsInTraining · 07/10/2009 12:32

Italian freeloader friend

It has been really great to see you but I need to talk to you about the next few days.

I have just had a baby and really want my own space.

It is not on you have given out my address and phone number and you need a visa to work here.

Please leave on Saturday.

Thank you.

Then go and get yourself some chocolate.

StealthPolarBear · 07/10/2009 12:33

If you are a national of the European Economic Area (EEA) or Switzerland, you are free to enter and stay in the United Kingdom.

wukter · 07/10/2009 12:33

I know it's not a very mature solution, Rendered, . Could you say "this is not working, no space etc - but good news! My brother says you can stay with him for a week while you get sorted! He is expecting you on Sunday". It sounds like he will put up with it for you and have no reticence about chucking her out after the week.
(And hide her earplugs til she goes!)

Sagacious · 07/10/2009 12:34

Addio

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 12:34

x-posts (these bloody long nails!) she had no bank account here so will tell her that she needs to have stable base - not here though - to set up the nec documents etc.

OP posts:
Sagacious · 07/10/2009 12:35

Arrivederci

Sagacious · 07/10/2009 12:35

Buon viaggio!

wannaBe · 07/10/2009 12:36

ok have just googled and she doesn't need a visa to work here. So you're not in any trouble, sorry for causing alarm.

But agree - send her to your brother's and given she's not his friend I'm sure he'll have no qualms about chucking her out after a week.

FABIsInTraining · 07/10/2009 12:37

Less is more. Don't get into a big convo. Just ask her to leave.

Merrylegs · 07/10/2009 12:37

We are not going to talk to you anymore until you tell her.

8oreighty · 07/10/2009 12:38

You've got to stick up for yourself. You've got to. Just do it.

Sagacious · 07/10/2009 12:39

Mi spiace, siamo pieni.

(is this helping?)

Northernlurker · 07/10/2009 12:40

This is not a surprise visit. This is an invasion. She is behaving apallingly. If you wanted a useless au pair doubtless you would employ her. Tell her to leave.

Sagacious · 07/10/2009 12:40

Per favore, evacuate l'edificio.

(please evacuate the building)

StealthPolarBear · 07/10/2009 12:41

Listen to Merrylegs everyone!

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 12:41

Oh, laughed out loud and she's asking if im reading jokes. im such a bith. i should just speak to her instead of posting here - esp as she has now come back in the room.

actually my brother speaks fluent italian! so give him a chance to speak the lingo with her.

am going to stop posting now, have had a word with myself, and would rather be told, no matter how awkward it might be. so, thanks again ladies, my cousin is making us some lunch, after which, i will speak to my friend and post a smiley when its done.

thanks again, wouldnt have done this without you all. x

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 07/10/2009 12:43

Good luck.

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 12:43
OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 07/10/2009 12:45

not you - everyone else! We're meant to be ignoring you until you've done it. But now you have a plan I think we can talk to you again

Doodleydoo · 07/10/2009 12:46

Read all post and have to point out to you that a "friend" is no "friend" at all if they don't get it!
Tell her to push off as you are an emotional wreck and can't be looking after your family and friends with a new born.
Really hope your chat goes well and that you are able to move her out whilst still remaining friends, but if the friendship disintigrates then that is her problem not yours. Don't be made to feel guilty (am guilty of that myself!)
You go for it and then come back and let us know how its all gone.
Good Luck!