For wanting greater access to my kids?

[VoluptuousCow]

Afternoon folks . This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though.

[flowerybeanbag]

I find it impossible to get my head round the fact that you amicably agreed to your husband being the primary carer of your children rather than yourself, but I appreciate that's not what you are asking about and I can only assume that decision was made in the best interests of your children at the time.

Every weekend is not reasonable as everyone has said. If you want more contact it should be during the week, pick them up from school once a week for the evening or something.

If you and/or your ex feel your choice to live so far away presents logistic problems preventing you from seeing them during the week, why haven't you moved nearer? I can't imagine not moving heaven and earth to see my DS tbh, even if for some reason he wasn't living with me I imagine I would be making a nuisance of myself moving next door or something.

[GypsyMoth]

if you took this to court then a cafcass report would include a 'wishes and feelings'report on what the children want. one is a bit young,but the 11 year old will carry some weight with regards to extra access.

go for school hols.

every weekend won't happen,and they may even not want more time with you

[starwhores]

OP, before you ask to change a 'reasonable' arrangement you need to ensure that you have done everything to be nearer and spend some more convenient time with your dcs.

Definitely take them out in the evening at least once a week. Be there for every parent/teacher meet and be around so you ex can have a life in the week. If you had an affair then I'm guessing you have to do the running, it's called guilt and punishment. Your dcs shouldn't suffer from this action but your ex did and he'd have to be a saint to bend with your every whim.

[mankyscotslass]

I think it's unlikely that a court would increase your weekends. Like others have said, your XH needs quality time with the children too.

Increasing weekday visits does seem to be the way to go though.

Ideally you should consider moving closer to their family home, in order to maximise your time with your dc. It will also make it easier in the long run for them with regard to weekend activities, to keep coninuity going for them.

[Sassybeast]

I don't think that you can reasonably ask to have them every weekend and I think that his arguments are perfectly valid. However, the needs of the kids are obviously paramount and if you want to spend more time with them then the onus is on YOU to make that happen. 30 miles is nothing. Why not offer to see them one evening a week - go bowling, to the cinema, see if your ex wants to nip out for the evening and let you spend the evening with them at home ? The man is hurting. badly. you can't expect him to just roll over to your demands.

[mankyscotslass]

continuity.

[OrmIrian]

When is their father going to have any time with them? How do you imagine he is going to manage to spend time with them when he isn't cooking, doing hw, bathing, and putting to bed? In fact you are quite happy with him acting as an unpaid nanny in the week whilst you enjoy the weekends. What possible advice can anyone give you?

[Janos]

Hope you haven't taken fright OP.

I will offer advice from your Ex's perspective, as I'm currently in his situation. And no, I'm not going to have a go.

His reasons for 'denying' access to you every weekend sound reasonable to me (children's needs) and having been through the court process I can tell you (as others have done) that every other weekend is pretty much standard. You would have to have very compelling reasons to increase access. You 'wanting to' is not enough.

FWIW My XP has DS every weekend. I allow this because despite our own, ahem , "difficult" relationship, DS loves seeing his Dad and it means I get a regular break. My situation is slightly different though as I work part time and therefore get 'quality' time with DS during the week. This will be revised once he goes to school.

Weeknight access as others have suggested - a meal out, visit to the cinema etc is the way to go.

Also agree that as you are the one who moved, and presumably chose to do so, the onus is on you to do the travelling through to see your children.

Finally - no-one else has mentioned this I know and perhaps you are taking it as read but..you are paying maintenance? If not this could also have a bearing on your ex's attitude.

[tootiredtothink]

Tbh I have a certain amount of respect for women who can leave their children where they know is the best place for them.

What worries me is the fact that the OP isn't giving any consideration to the fact that her dcs don't like her new partner.

Of course they're not going to tell you that to your face - in their eyes you left them once for him so if they complain you may well decide to stop seeing them.

The idea of seeing them for an evening every week is an excellent one - just you are your dcs. Have some bonding time without your dp.

[Janos]

I missed that one...DCs absolutely need to come before your new partner, and taking them out without him being there would be a good way to show this. To them and your XP.

[StrictlyBoogying]

I don't believe this post. How many people join MN and their first post is an emotive topic in AIBU in which they freely admit to an affair and giving up their children?
Troll!

[Portofino]

Strictly - that's funny - I was just going to post that there is another very similar thread going on at the moment and this one screams "Journo" at me! The mention of a recent TV doc on the subject made the thought even stronger....

[SomeGuy]

It is quite a good wind-up this one.

She comes in all cheery, setting out in first post that she was to blame for breaking up marriage, designed to attract all the 'you are such a bitch' posts.

Excellent work.

[Portofino]

The post is very dry and unemotional - especially compared to the other one!

[TheLadyEvenstar]

OP. I have read this and read it again....and the one thing I think everyone will agree on is that you have put your wants and needs before your dc.

You split with EH-H because YOU were with someone else,
You moved away to live with this new Partner,
You left your children for him, sorry dont agree with "I left my husband/wife/turtle and not the dc"
You now feel settled in your new life meaning You now want more access to your children.

Ex-H did not chose any of this but for the last year he has raised the dc, presumably with little or no input from you other than the alternate weekend visits. Yet you expect him to send the children he has comforted through the abandonment of their mother, (trust me they will see it that way) been to their parents evenings, assemblies, dr appointments, nursed them when they were ill to name but a few things he would have done. It is him who gets up daily to ensure they have a breakfast, get to school on time in fresh clothes etc. And you now want to take away the only leisure time they have as a family together to relax??

OP, I know I will probably get flamed for this but what the hell.

People like you make me sick, you wanted the life you have a new man no kids to interfere with the initial bonding of a new relationship and now it is established you want to bring them back to you....be thankful that THEY give you the time of day that they do.

[florence2511]

I think a lot of you are being very mean to the Op. You are judging when you have very litle background to judge on. You don't know why she had an affair and we all know that when a marraige breaks down one half needs to move out of the Marital home, albeit the Mother or Father. Why are you being so hard on her?

Just because she wasn't a very good wife doesn't mean that she isn't a good Mother.

I understand that your Ex wants to soend weekends with the children aswell which is why he is denying you access every weekend. Seems fair to me. So, if you want to spend more time with your children, YOU are going to have to make a big effort to see them, say, one night during the week. It may be difficult logistically, but surely it isn't impossible?

[VoluptuousCow]

Thanks for your thoughts all. (that even includes the harsher ones)

I am quite seriously considering moving closer to the children. I don't particularly want to drag this through the courts as no one really benefits and it appears as though this may be a better alternative. I also don't want to alienate my children. Their dad is their rock and they can be naturally quite defensive of him.

Strictly, this issue is what prompted me to join MN. Its the internet and affords me a little anonymity, hence the reason I've confessed to this. . I'm well aware I've fucked the children up and Its not something I'm proud of, I can assure you.

[Lilyloo]

In the meantime as everyone has suggested you could drive to visit them midweek ?

[GypsyMoth]

another troll then?

can't get past the troll spotters these days

[itsmeolord]

Hope everything works out for all of you.

[itsmeolord]

FFS I keep hitting post too soon.!
The end of that should have said;

Welcome to mumsnet!

[starwhores]

I would have thought you had already considered moving near them and there may have been a reason why not....

[SoupDragon]

"I am quite seriously considering moving closer to the children."

If you want to see more of them you should be doing it not "seriously considering it".

[GypsyMoth]

with the new man or without?