For wanting greater access to my kids?

[VoluptuousCow]

Afternoon folks . This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though.

[mummysgoingmad]

overmydeadbody, there could be many reasons why she had to move, that critisim isnt constructive at all in fact its plain nasty. if you dont have something constructive to say then dont say anything at all!!

Anyway, would it be possible to do things as a family ie you your ex and kids, you dont have to be best friend with your ex to do this, then that way you can aviod a costly court battle and everyones happy

only a thought

[mummyofthomas]

speaking as a child of a family split apart due to adultery (my dad was the cheater in my case though). Please just remember these things above all else:
YOUR CHILDREN - TALK TO THEM AND FIND OUT WHAT THEY WANT
IF YOU ARRANGE A TIME TO SEE THEM - BE THERE ON TIME ALWAYS
DONT MAKE THEM SEE YOUR NEW PARTNER IF THEY DONT WANT TO - THEY MAY COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR NEW MAN IN THE END BUT GIVE THEM TIME
As a mother myself I completely understand that you want to see them more but remember you are the one who left so you have to do the running and make all the effort - consistently too. My dad had us for one sunday every two weeks, he was always 2 hours late and would never see us without our new stepmother being around, this was 15 years ago and I still dont really have any sort of relationship with him, not because he had a affair and walked out (people fall in and out of love thats life) but because he stopped caring afterwards. Sorry to go on about how my situation was I just wanted to give you a child's eye view so to speak. Like I said just talk to your children,they are old enough to know what they want so listen to them and do what they want/need you and your ex to do.

[Snorbs]

To start off with, you're not being unreasonable in wanting greater access to your children. I do, however, think you need to reconsider how you will achieve that.

With children that age it should be achievable to do a mid-week contact of pick-up from school and return home after dinner - say, 7:30pm or 8pm. The suggestions for, eg, making these afternoons a swimming-and-dinner thing sounds ideal. Depending on the travel requirements it may be achievable to take the kids back to your house in that time.

I do not believe that, at present, it would either be wise or realistic to press for any more than that right now. And no court would agree to every weekend without the resident parent's consent. Increasing child contact is best seen as a long-term thing. It can take time for trust levels to be regained and for fears and concerns to be allayed. Moving closer would also make a big difference to what is possible.

It might well be worth giving Families Need Fathers a call. Despite the name they welcome enquiries from mums, too. For obvious reasons they have a lot of experience in advising non-resident parents wanting more contact and they may well be able to offer some useful tips. I think they would also recommend regarding court as a last-ditch thing when everything else has failed, though - it can increase the conflict and tension to horrible levels. Mediation could well be worth a try.

[SomeGuy]

Is this one still going? The OP even put 'cow' in his/her nickname.....

[VoluptuousCow]

Thank you again for all the support and advice. Its really helped me clarify a few things.

Last night my partner and I discussed this and I've decided to start looking for another job, nearer the children. Fortunately we only rent so I only have to give the landlord 3 months notice. My partner was made redundant last month so, in all honesty, its a good time to do this.

I'm going to discuss this with my ex and, if all goes according to plan, I'm hoping he'll agree to spare one night during the week, (so I can take the children out to dinner or the cinema.) Here's hoping anyway.

My ex isn't completely unreasonable, but he has his moments. The straw which literally broke the camels back was my affair, but to be frank, we'd been experiencing marital difficulties for a long time. He constantly instills his parents methodology of child rearing on the kids ie routine, routine and more routine. A lot of conflict was created between us as a result of the this. Conversely I was brought up in a much more liberal environment. His interfering mother didn't exactly help either. My ex and I would have a blow out one night, he would then discuss this with her, unbeknownst to me and this would be subsequently be followed up by a phone call courtesy of her, lambasting me. Financial disputes was another reason - I save and was apparently "as tight as a ducks ass", where as his attitude is " well you could be dead tomorrow, so enjoy your money while you can". Having grown up in a low income household, I do tend to be anally retentive when it comes to cash. Unlike my ex who honestly wanted for nothing. His parents owned a highly lucrative company. As far as his delightful mother was concerned I was never really good enough and I dare say, my actions have confirmed this in her mind.

Anyway enough ranting for now.

[OrmIrian]

"but remember you are the one who left so you have to do the running and make all the effort"

Yes. That is the fundamental point isn't it? Regardless of the morality (which is irrevelant), the OP was the one who changed the dynamics without consultation with either the father or the children. Therefore it stands to reason the she has to be the one to make most of the moves and the compromises. Preferably without making disparaging comments about her ex who is still going to be hurt and protective of their children.

[GypsyMoth]

OP. i didn't think it was as simole as you just going off and having an affair,unlike others here who have dragged you over the coals for it.

its never that simple is it!?

[OrmIrian]

Ahhhh. x-posted. Have to say your ex sounds a bit like my DH

[VoluptuousCow]

You're right ILT. By the way thanks for all your advice. I'm sorry to hear about what you had to endure regarding your ex also.

OrmIrian, I suspect many men are this way inclined. He's still very much under the thumb of his mother.

[mayorquimby]

wow the primary carer tries to instill their own values in the children when they're in his care? someone should call SS.

[independiente]

Best of luck VC. No one (man or woman) goes into a marriage thinking 'I know, sooner or later I'll just have an affair and leave the family...'. Hope you find a way that's fair to both parents, and of course to the children.

[independiente]

MQ, no need for SS (obviously), but the OP is saying that her ex's intransigence as regards how to raise children caused a lot of the conflict that led to the split.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

But do all couples always agree on how to raise their children? I know dp and I have different ideas but we have to work through them not go and find a replacement partner and walk away.

[SolidGoldBrass]

If the OP's X had been a wonderful partner she wouldn't have left him. This applies to dumped female partners as well, particularly the ones who come screaming and projecting onto every thread about the end of relationships: if your relationship had been perfect, it wouldn;t have ended, so do stop blaming everyone in the world but yourself for the problems that occured in your own lives.
VC, good luck iwth sorting this out. And bear in mind that things will gradually get easier anyway, your H will get over the end of the marriage and maybe find a new partner of his own, and the two of you will slowly get to a more amicable co-parent relationship as time goes on.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

SGB, you are right there were problems in the OPs relationship BUT she did agree to the contact in place now. It does come across that now her new relationship is established and things are on the up for her she wants to increase visits.

My Ex-P has had little or no interest in seeing ds1, until he met a woman moved in with her and her 4 kids and suddenly wants to see ds1 and have him stay over....errrr excuse me but that ain't gonna happen ever!

[VoluptuousCow]

Thanks Independiente and SGB.

[independiente]

TLE, you're reducing what may have been a steady decline of respect and understanding in a marriage to 'I don't agree with you, so I'm going to leave.' That is ridiculous (and insulting). As a mother, I cannot imagine leaving the DC, BUT I have a happy marriage of great contentment, I have never felt utterly despairing of (and totally out of love with) my husband.

[agingoth]

so true about the women screaming onto any thread that mentions adultery- I have another thread in which I mentioned my marriage ending because of my affair, failing to mention that said 'affair' took place when we were separated in same house but he had set the unilateral condition that we must not see other people and was monitoring my computer etc to make sure I didn't. Also didn't mention the 6 years of incredible marital stress, including extensive counselling, we went through before I cracked.

But I still got women on the thread saying 'you had an affair, you deserve whatever you get' including losing residence of my kids, the family home etc.

VC we are not all like this on here! I would imagine you were at your wits end when you agreed to the current setup and so confused that you perhaps didn't set the parameters for access you wanted. That is the way it is for me now and I am looking at becoming a non-custodial mother myself, would be interested to hear your experiences of it-you do seem to feel the relationship with the kids has suffered, you are missing out etc? This is what I am afraid of....

[independiente]

PS - I was referring to your post of 10:25:11. Not the later one.

[GibbonInARibbon]

I don't think it's so much people bringing their relationship baggage to this thread. I suspect, like myself, that it is children who have been hurt by feelings of abandonment by a parent.

I will concede the OP is getting a harder time for being a woman leaving the family home. I will also hold my hands up and say that I do find it harder to comprehend a mother leaving her children. Be it right or wrong that is how I feel.

To the OP - I can't decide if I feel you have handled the flaming with dignity and poise or a complete lack of emotion...I think that is why I am struggling to sympathise. For your children, I do hope you and your DH can work together and put your own resentments aside.

Good luck.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

All I can say is rather than wonder what you have missed ask the children what they feel they have missed.

I know my ds1 as much as he loves adores and respects his dad (dp) he feels he has missed out on a father, whereas his little brother has his father/dad all rolled into one and with him all the time.

Please or offend anyone and I don't want to offend anyone really but it is the children who suffer more than any adult, as adults we can express our emotions so much better than a child yet still we put our feelings first initially.

[independiente]

I really feel for both VC and agingoth. Threads like this are so emotive, they are always going to bring up projections from people who have been involved in similar situations. It's human nature, and understandable.

[OrmIrian]

Hmmm... but leaving an irreperable and unbearable marriage is one thing. Leaving that to go to another relationship is different. It changes its nature from 'I was really unhappy with the way things were. to 'I want something else more than I want my marriage and (by extension) my children'. Might not be fair but that is how it seems. If OP had left to live on her own nobody would have felt in the slightest aggreived I suspect. Regardless of her gender.

However ....all that is irrelevant to the way that access should be sorted out.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Gibbon, I cannot comprehend ANY parent mother or father leaving their children.

OP, I will say one thing and please listen. DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Now he left his ex after 22yrs to be with someone else (not me lol) and lived out of the country for the best part of a yr. So a fair bit further than yourself. He came back once a month to see his sons, fast forward to now. Neither of the sons will talk to him, they decided he had abandoned them....and they are a lot older than your dc 1 being 25 and the other being 15. Children regardless of their age will not see things as you do. And if you don't make more of an effort to see your dc more in the week then you will be in the position my dp is now where his kids don't want to know him and he is hurting...but as I told him..if he had been that bothered he would have fought harder for them...and I know there were obstacles for him as I am sure there are for you but hell you are grown ups deal with them and put your children first! I have a child whose father won't put him first and I have to deal with the aftermath of this.