For wanting greater access to my kids?

[VoluptuousCow]

Afternoon folks . This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though.

[VoluptuousCow]

Soup Dragon I take your point. I do appreciate with hindsight its me who should be bending over backwards to make the necessary reparations. Not wishing to sound dispassionate, I just wish my Ex would try to let go of the past though. Hes clearly still hurt over the deceit and overwhelming responsibility which was,literally, thrust on him over night. To further exacerbate things, he has asked me on countless occasions to go back to him, which I just cannot do.

Thanks itsmelord

[VoluptuousCow]

Im still with my partner ILT and we live together. So it would be a joint move.

[Surfermum]

No, you're not unreasonable for wanting to see your children more, of course you're not. But it does look like that's going to be difficult unless you live nearer them.

Dsd's mum used to say that dsd didn't like me. The reality was very different. How do you feel things are when they're together? Do they do stuff together, play, talk, joke with each other? If there's no problem then it might be - as with dsd - that they are just telling your xh what he wants to hear.

[GypsyMoth]

how about mediation?

and are you divorcing? because this can be thrashed out as part of a divorce as well via statement of arrangement for children

[GypsyMoth]

sorry,just read that you ARE divorced,too late for that then

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

I think you should go to court.

The fact that you were unfaithful has got nothing to do with whether or not you should see your kids more.

Although I understand that it must be hard for your ex husband to see that. Just as it would be for a woman in the same situation.

Yes, he's justifiably angry, but children should never be used as a weapon. It is unfair because it's them that suffer.

[GypsyMoth]

the fact you left the marriage for another man won't have any bearing on court proceedings anyway.....loads of VIOLENT men go to court for access too. and get it. so a bit of infidelity isn't going to have a great impact.

my ex tried to kill me,but still had audacity to take me to court for access,and would have got it too,if he hadn't now got new issues.
its about kids rights to relationship with BOTH parents,not parents rights.

i agree with going to court

[agingoth]

it's a shame that people are lambasting you for having a new relationship when they don't know the full story voluptuouscow.

However, as far as I can tell the every other weekend provision is the 'normal' one for the non resident parent as it seems to be accepted that resident parents deserve some weekend time.

A lot of fathers I know have the children one night a week, although clearly that wouldn't work too well if you are 30 miles away from their school, etc.

Can you offer to go round one night a week to let your ex have a night off?

[OrmIrian]

But would the courts really grant more access if that meant that the father didn't get any weekends?

[Bleh]

You say in your OP that your ex is lambasting you "over what is essentially the past". Thing is, you said you've only been divorced for a year; that kind of pain and betrayal, as no doubt felt by your DP and your DCs, is not going to go away within a year, as you're nicely settled and happy with your new DP. You seem to be upset with him for being upset - but you had an affair and broke up the family. I think you need to be more understanding of his position.

[agingoth]

tbh 30 miles from the kids sounds ok to me, wish I could get work that would put me that sort of distance, I would be round every night if I was allowed in... ( I work 200 miles from mine )

tbh interested in what Portofino andothers have said about this possibly being a journo...I'll be checking the papers for stories of adulterous wives who now want more access to their kids!

[prettybird]

Try also to think of it from the children's persepctive.

Ds has firends and cousins whose parents have split up. As a result of "having" to spend time with the absent parent, they miss out on normal activities (eg football), seeing friends, going to birthday parties.

This potentially builds up resentment agains the parent who they are having to spend time with.

Have you asked your children what they want to do?

[Janos]

I wouldn't recommend going to court. It's very unlikely you will get increased access just because you want it. You say I want to see my kids more response is likely to be why did you move thirty miles away then? And it is an extremely expensive and stressful process.

[Janos]

I wouldn't recommend going to court. It's very unlikely you will get increased access just because you want it. You say I want to see my kids more response is likely to be why did you move thirty miles away then? And it is an extremely expensive and stressful process.

[itsmeolord]

Telling the op to "go to court" is shit advice. Why would you direct a poster to do this in this situation? She is not being denied contact, her ex has refused to agree to every weekend, at present she has every other weekend and has not tried to increase this previously.

1. A family court will not grant one parent contact every single weekend because they live a mere 30 miles away. Family courts operate on the premise that every child has a right to an uninterrupted relationship with both parents unless there is a proven risk or history of a parent causing or having proven potential to cause serious harm. Part of that means acknowledging that both parents need to have quality time at weekends with the children.

1. The op has made no attempt at contact during the week, she merely wishes to move straight to contact every single weekend. The family court would not countenence this as reasonable. No sane person would.

1. The father is not opposed to contact, he is stating that every weekend is not in the childrens best interests. A cafcass report and the family courts will look for child centred suggestions. The op has made none, other than she may "consider" moving closer.

1. Any decent family law solicitor will advise their clients to go to mediation before going down the court route. This is because it shows willingness to compromise and in many cases, having a third party listen to both sides is all that is needed to help bring about a solution that both parties are happy with.

A family court would not see the main carers refusal to allow contact every weekend to his and the childrens detriment as trying to manipulate the children to get to the ex.

[Janos]

No idea why there's a double post there, sorry!

[Janos]

Well said itsmeolord.

[SoupDragon]

Do you want every weekend and not weekday contact because weekdays are inconvenient for you and you can't be arsed to make the effort? Because that's how it's coming across TBH.

[agingoth]

hmm is 30 miles perhaps a bit much to travel to school on that one day?(depending on transport links and where you are)?

however, could you not move 30 miles and add that on to your work journey if necessary to be with them more (I speak as a 200 mile plus commuter....!!)

have you actually spoken to ex H about weekday access?

[Janos]

Well said itsmeolord.

[Tee2072]

I am not clear as to why 30 miles is such a big deal.

When my parents divorced we saw my dad every other weekend and every Wednesday night. He would pick us up after school and have us home by bed time. And he lived about 60 miles away.

And yes I remember exactly the visitation set up, even though it started about 34 years ago when I was 6. It eventually went down to just every other weekend as my brother and I got older and had more after school activities.

[itsmeolord]

I have an office 27 miles away from me. It takes me 45 mins to travel there in traffic. The op could easily arrange to see the children for an evening activity such as swimming one night a week.

I say swimming because it's an indoor activity and most pools have a cafe either in them or nearby so you can do a swim then dinner.
DP used to do this.

[Janos]

30 miles is definitely less of a 'big deal' for an adult than it is for a child.

With that in mind, it should be easy for the OP to travel to see her DC, no?

You didn't mention by the way, OP, whether you were paying maintenance.

[flowerlady2]

Mmm intersting this, as a grwon up of divorced parents the only child centred advice I can offer is to suggest to your ex husband if you can sit down with your ex and your children for 1 hour in a neutral place and have an open discussion. I say one hour or a limited time otherwise you will all run out of steam.

Explain you know you messed up but that you would like to see more of them (mid week a good place to start) and actually ask them if that is what they want too. Ask them if they feel comfortable with your new partner, don't hint that your ex has suggested it as it puts them all in an awkward position, just ask them. Ask them if it might be acceptable to them for them to see just you without your partner on occasion. I can assure you the key issue with children of of divorced parents is that they are the only ones that never seem to get asked anything directly - be prepared for answers you may not want to hear, but ask them you must.

Your ex is absolutely right and entitled to be hurt, you will just going to have to d/w that. Give him a chance to et it out of his system away from the kids.

But, if you want to see them, be present, and correct and attentive. Move closer, drive the distance move around them. Don't be late, don't diss your ex in front of them.

The kids need reasrance from your ex that they are not betraying him by spending time with you; you would be amazed at how common this is. You may need to have this discussion before the family one. Don't know if it helps, but that's the way I'd go at it having been throgh it as a child myself.