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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting greater access to my kids?

196 replies

VoluptuousCow · 30/09/2009 12:28

Afternoon folks . This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though.

OP posts:
tobago04 · 30/09/2009 18:46

I posted earlier and feel i was a bit harsh and unhelpful,i still think YABU but it's not about YOU or your EX it's about the kids,for their sake it would be better if they saw more of you so they feel loved by both of you,like others have said taking them out after school bowling or something surely would be ok,Ex would also get a break,i do think moving nearer is the only answer though if you want to be more involved,especially as they get older,30miles is'nt that far but it's far enough that they can't just pop round and see you
P.S maybe if you sounded a bit more sympathetic you would'nt have got so flamed

Lilyloo · 30/09/2009 19:29

I find your posts lacking any real emotion or effort to spend time with your kids OP , sorry if that seems harsh just the way i read it.
You have had a lot of good advice here mostly reiterating the same things.
You have failed to say why YOU cannot make the extra effort and go to them and seem more concerned about how the kids see your new partner and wanting your ex to move on
'I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood'
'I am quite seriously considering moving closer to the children.'
Seriously if you do feel as strongly as you say you would move heaven and earth to see them
'I'm well aware I've fucked the children up' so DO something about it......
and to call your ex 'a fecking arse and is selfish to boot' is very unfair imo
You may well have moved on and be happy in your new life , obviously your partner and kids aren't , it will take time for them maybe you need to see that!!!!

GypsyMoth · 30/09/2009 19:29

op says an amicable out of court agreement was made for children

mrsjammi · 30/09/2009 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ginnny · 30/09/2009 19:57

exactly Tiffany - every other weekend. Which the OP agreed to and kept to for a year.
Why the sudden change of heart?
I bet its nothing to do with the dc and more to do with her feeling guilty and wanting the new partner to take on the role of StepDad.
Hi Lilyloo - how are you. Agree with you 100% btw.

GypsyMoth · 30/09/2009 20:04

well things do change.

i can't understand why op hasn't gone for any extra during school holidays though. plenty of time there for extra activity.

don't understand that,but work is in the way i guess.

as for new partner playing step-dad,god,hope not!

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/09/2009 20:07

Ginny
exactly what i said.

now op is settled in her oh so wonderfully comfortsble life, which she has been able to build without the interference (?) of having to be a parent, she now knows her relationship is established, that her partner has had time to get used to the fact she has kids so she now wants to see more of them and sod what the dc want as far as i can see.

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/09/2009 20:08

comfortable not comfortsble lol

GypsyMoth · 30/09/2009 20:14

op.....another way to keep more up to date with what is happening in your kids lives is obviously by being informed of their progress in school.

assume you already do,as this is one of your rights?

Lilyloo · 30/09/2009 20:18

Hi Ginny good thanks , lurk in on you all from time to time
TBH i think most people have advised same things just not sure it's what OP wants to hear!

mrswill · 30/09/2009 20:32

You sound completely unreasonable, and i dont think you'll get much sympathy for the situation thats of your own making. And i dont mean falling out of love with your husband and being with someone else, its the whole dumping your kids thing and now wanting your cake and eating it.
You also sound inflexible toward your ex partner and i doubt that will do you any favours with your children. I would have a discussion with your children as they are old enough and ask if they do want to spend more time with you, if they do, then you need to make all the effort. If they dont, and they want to spend time with their main parent, then accept it, and get on with your own selfish life.

Janos · 30/09/2009 20:47

Don't know if you are still about OP but FWIW.

I agree that having an affair etc does not make someone fundamentally a bad parent, but it seems to me that is not really the issue here.

I have BEEN through the court process which, I cannot emphasise enough, is hideously stressful (mine was a no other option situation) and IME your reasons for wanting increased access - every weekend - simply would not stand up. If you DO choose to go to court I believe you will be setting yourself up for a very expensive and upsetting fall.

If you really and truly want more access to your children then weekday contact is the best way to go. Negotiate with your ex. Bite your tounge. Be reasonable. Try to put yourself in his shoes, don't dismiss him as a difficult troublemaker.

hatesponge · 30/09/2009 20:58

FFS...is this really 2009? I feel as though I have stepped into a time warp!

OP, YANBU, and I certainly don't think you deserve some of the vitriol your post has attracted.

Having been in a shared care situation for the last 18 months almost, I can understand your desire to spend more time with your DC.

My experience - & without wishing to hijack your thread! - is that when I left my Ex (because I had met someone else) Ex refused to agree to let me take the DC unless I could prove he would have them 50% of the time. As he starts work v early in the morning, the only way we could equally split care (he insisted the 'time' we had with DC was 24 hours ie including when they were asleep) was for him to have them every weekend. Which I agreed to because at the time I felt I had no alternative.

I've asked him to negotiate over this many times since I left. He has flatly refused. He also still cannot forgive me for not wanting to be with him, tried many times to win me back, has told me I am never to let another man near 'his' DC or he will kill him, and so on

Whilst my arrangement is obviously different to yours, I can entirely empathise with agreeing to something because you think its best at the time for DC, avoids further argument, courts etc, and because - if you're like me - you think that your EX will eventually be more reasonable, & you will be able to re-negotiate.

Sadly it doesnt always work like that.

I think mediation is key here; it is so difficult when you both become entrenched in your positions to see any way forward. To be honest, an arrangement which allows some weekend and week time for both parents, if workable in terms of jobs and living arrangements would be best all round. I think therefore if there is any way you can move a little closer that should help matters as well.

I really do hope you are able to work out a fairer split

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/09/2009 21:12

HS Many have advised her to move closer so she can have weekday contact as well as weekend.

Conundrumish · 30/09/2009 22:41

There is a situation like this going on at my children's school. The only difference is the wife left her grandmother behind in the marital home for the husband to look after!

Sorry, still no sympathy OP (having seen effect the above on the family)

Those of you defending OP, can we assume you have done likewise? And for those giving her the benefit of the doubt, I notice that OP hasn't sprung to her own defense with good reasons why she left/abandoned children etc.

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/09/2009 22:45

PP thats how i see it too...she abandoned her dc..

Mamazon · 30/09/2009 22:46

you cheated on not only your husband but your family. you left to shack up with your new man and now you are over the honeymoon period you want to spend more time with your kids at the cost of time your x has with them.

your a selfish cow and you have no right to demand anything. You should be bloody gratefull he is being amicable at all.

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/09/2009 22:53

Ohhh mamazon..some people are not going to like you saying that!!!

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/09/2009 22:55

If this was a man coming on here he would not be getting the same amount of sympathy. He would be told something along the lines of "You made your bed now lie in it".

Mamazon · 30/09/2009 23:01

Don;t care Lady

she asked for opinions and i gave mine.

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/09/2009 23:03

Mama, I agree with you 100000%

hambler · 30/09/2009 23:05

She did not cheat on her family.
we know nothing of the circumstances except that she fell in love with someone else . She left her husband whom she did not love for the man she did.

This has NO bearing on her ability as a mother or her kids' entitlement to see her.

calling her a selfish cow is deeply misogynistic and misinformed

Mamazon · 30/09/2009 23:08

if a man cheated on his wife and was happy with limoited contact butthen changed his mind he'd be a selfish twat too.

Its not at all misogynistic. its the facts.

She has stated that she left as she was involved with another man so yes she was cheating on her family.

she has the same amount of contact as most absent fathers get. why should she automatically be granted more simply because she is lacking a penis?

hambler · 30/09/2009 23:16

you might think a man in those circs would be a selfish twat.

I and others don't .

Why are you assuming I and others would view it any way differently if op was a man? I would see it in exactly the same way.

I would think many of the responses here were exactly as ill informed and nasty.

The misogyny referred to calling her a selfish cow.

We know nothing of her marriage circumstances.
For all we know she could have been posting on here for months about emotional abuse in her marriage with all of us encouraging her to leave the bastard.

The point is WE DON'T KNOW.

So should not jump to conclusions and hurl insults

hambler · 30/09/2009 23:16

penis or no penis, my view is the same