For wanting greater access to my kids?

[VoluptuousCow]

Afternoon folks . This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though.

[GypsyMoth]

Well I did suggest mediation in an earlier post.

It's not just the extra weekend. Which we all know won't happen

Op says he wants her back. Xmas is coming, sch hols etc. Is he going to 'let' op have this time?

A court order sorted now will keep it even. BEFORE it gets nasty. But mediation first is best, if no arrangement agreed, then court

It's not 'shit' advice at all

[CarGirl]

I would ask to see them one weekday evening each week with you doing the travelling and either do and activity with them/take them out for their evening meak/take them to a library and help them with their school work.

Your ex is right in wanting to have weekends with them not just weekdays but seeing them one week day evening in addition to every other weekend is a reasonable request.

[flowerlady2]

begs the question how you managed to sort the arrangements out without a court in the first place, if you did it once you can do it again, but you need to really take the leade from your kids not, not th eother way round. I wasn't suggesting mediation I was suggesting all sitting down together if that is possible.

[itsmeolord]

Yes it is. All of those issues can be sorted out without the need to spend thousands in a court alienating your ex and possibly your children even more.

So what if the op says he asked her to come back. That is not a reason to go to court.Nor is the fact that christmas is coming or whatever.

A court order does not magically solve all contact issues. It can be broken and it is difficult to enforce if one party is majorly unhappy with it.
But apart from that, you are missing the point. The op hasn't mentioned holidays/christmas etc. She has said she wants the children every weekend. No court would award that. Therefore, telling her to go to court on the strength of that is indeed shit advice.

Gavel.

My post wasn't aimed specifically at you though ILT.

[itsmeolord]

Sorry, flowerlady, my post was a reply to IloveTiffany.

[flowerlady2]

I agree with cargirl, you can only really go for the mid-week - not any more weekends. You need to show and demonsttarte you are happy to be around for the mid-week crap - the actual parenting bit; testing them on their spellings, maths homework etc, cos thats the key to a better relationship. Your kids won't confide in you if they only see you alternative weekends when they feel they need to be on their best behaviour as they don't know you as well as thier dad anymore.

[GypsyMoth]

We all know the extra weekend won't happen. That was established early on

However, the excuses given indicate the ex is goi ng to be difficult with any extra access. Contact blocker springs to mind

[GibbonInARibbon]

DH's mother left to move far away. Never really made the effort either. My father was only interested in seeing my brothers, not me. Take it from me - make the effort now and move nearer or start saving for the therapy bills your children will undoubtedly need in years to come.

Sorry if that sounds harsh - parents fucking off to do their own thing whilst chanting 'children are resilient' is an emotive subject for me.

[ElenorRigby]

Move closer and ask for Thursday to Sunday one weekend a month.
If that worked out for everyone, you could make suggest that it was extended to Thursday to Sunday 2 weekends a month.

"All of those issues can be sorted out without the need to spend thousands in a court alienating your ex and possibly your children even more."

I'd agree with that but imo the OP would definitely do all the legwork, move house, suggest ask and slowly build up over time.
Building the trust of the children and father would be essential really.
Going in with all guns blazing would not be wise or productive.
The oldest child is at an age where their views would taken into account in court, the younger one is getting to that age too.
Thread carefully.

[itsmeolord]

FFS he is not blocking contact because he has not agreed to the only suggestion the op made and gave his reasons for it.
How on earth did you extrapolate that from her posts?

Going to court is not a magic spell for harmonious post marriage life. It should be avoided unless absolutely necessary and in this case it is not necessary.

What is necessary is that the op realises that 30 miles is not a huge distance in the grand scheme of things and starts to work with that as well as recognise that her ex is also entitled to quality time and is not there just to do the weekly drudgery.

[flowerlady2]

I'm totally with Gibboninaribbon here too, my earlier posts are direct suggestions at heading off waht she succinctly describes in her post.

My dad chose to put a continent between us following his divorce, now at age 70 he's frequently asking me to take my family and go and visit him, oddly enough I'm not racing to buy the plane tickets......I have been to see him in the past but its only ever been on my terms and its never that reaxing.

[ElenorRigby]

"You left your husband, not your children"
Mum left to live 30 miles away, I think the children will feel that their mum left them too. Thus is is essential to now gently and patiently regain that broken trust.
To force or demand could break that trust beyond repair.

[mmrred]

I think there are two issues here - one is you quite naturally wanting to see your children more often, and the other is how the children feel about your NP.

The first should be encouraged - I don't think every other week is enough parenting time for a mother or father. There might have been lots of reasons why OP decided it was best for the kids to stay with their father. If midweek is difficult for the time being, could you ask for a change to the weekend structure? You could have a full weekend each, and a half w/end, eg Fri-Sat. That would mean you see the kids 3 times a month. Also you could ask for more time during school holidays, bank holidays, teacher training days.

However, I think you need to acknowledge that your XH may be telling the truth about how your children feel about your new man. They may be telling Dad what they think he wants to hear, of course, but they may not be and you should make some time to really find out how they feel, and more importantly, why.

Another possible thing that occurred to me was that he may be worried that more access will mean less maintenance, and that he might not be able to manage on less? Not that that is a reason for the kids not to see you more, just a thought.

[Janee79]

Message deleted

[ChunkyKitKat]

The breaking up of your relationship would have been like a bereavement to your ex, it would take a long time for him to come to terms with the breaking up of your relationship, especially as he's asked you to come back.

If you want more contact with your children, it would be best IMO to work towards a little at a time after you've moved closer to them.

[Podrick]

At ages 9 and 11 I think your children can surely make up their own minds who they would like to spend time with?

[mmrred]

Horrible idea - I don't think you should ever put kids in the position where they have to choose between Mum and Dad.

[ginnny]

I think the OP deserved the flaming she got on here and don't see why anyone should apologise.
If you post in AIBU on here about how you had an affair and left your dc you just can't expect sympathy and hand holding.
There are lots of women on here who have been left while their (d)h goes off to build a new life with his OW, also there are many women on here who would love to leave their miserable marriages but don't because they couldn't bear to hurt their dc, let alone just walk away and leave them.
YABVVVVVU and unbelievably selfish.

[FlorenceandtheWashingMachine]

Dear op, my brother-in-law left his wife 15 years ago for his lover. They are still very happy together and BIL has maintained an excellent relationship with his three DCs. He has always lived near to his children and has been willing to put the hours in with them. When they were little he would see them before and after school and was as involved with them as the circumstances would allow. To his (wonderful) ex-wife's eternal credit she put the DCs feelings before her own and allowed him to do this.

What I am really trying to say is that it CAN work out if you put in the time. It sounds like your ex would find the solution above too much, but I think that taking the burden of after-school pickups etc once or twice a week would help him out and help to rebuild things with your DCs.

[GypsyMoth]

Ginny...she didn't actually leave hetr children,simply handed residency to the father. don't see why the other parent having residency should result in her being flamed,its after all 2009!

[SoupDragon]

I think her attitude has helped fan the flaming TBH.

[GibbonInARibbon]

Ditto Soupy

[LynetteScavo]

The OP had the affair...why should the DH have left the family home? Should the OP have taken the DCs to live with her new partner?

It seems the OP possibly did what was best for the children when she first left, I'm just bemused she agreed to so little access initially.

OP, I really don't think your ex-H is being a "fecking arse" or is being selfish. Do you work full time? I agree with other posters that if you want to see more of your chldren it would be easiest if you lived close (walking distance)tothem.

[ginnny]

Tiffany - she did leave her children. She had an affair and chose to leave them with her husband for a year before she decided she wanted to see more of them because she was missing out on their childhood.
Go to the relationships thread and try telling the people on their whose husbands have had affairs and buggered off that they have merely handed over residency and that a year on they should be able to demand every weekend with the dc.