For wanting greater access to my kids?

[VoluptuousCow]

Afternoon folks . This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It would be terribly unfair for him to not get any weekends with the children.

It would be perfectly normal (everyone I know does this to see their children) for you to drive over there a couple of nights a week and take them out for tea or back to your place. The commuting of that should be for you to do.

Then you'll see them more and your ex can hav a bit of a life (maybe he can do his hobby or something).

If you do decide to do this please make sure you are regular as clockwork so he can take up a hobby and come to rely on you.

[persephonesnape]

So, move closer to your ex and children. Then you can see them on weeknights.

He may well be projecting his loathing of your new partner onto the children, but you will never know and you can't ask them until they are much older, because they will sense something is up, or just give you an answer that they think you want to hear.

yes. I wouldn't want my children travelling that distance on a regular basis either - my kids used to do that on a weeknight when their dad and new partner lived 30 miles away and it was too unsettling, they were late for school numerous times and worn out with travel.

[GreatBallsOfFluff]

At the ages that your children are, I quite believe there would be resentment towards your new partner, considering he 'took' their mother away from them (in their eyes this is probably how they see it). I don't blame your ex for not letting you have access every weekend - considering they're at school all week, then the weekends he has them are the only time he can get to spend proper quality time.

Have to agree with OMDD - you made your bed.

[itsmeolord]

A court will not award you access every weekend based on the fact that you moved 30 miles away.

And can I point out that 30 miles is not logistically too difficult.
Why wouldn't your ex want to do activities at the weekend? What makes you think that this is not reasonable?
You could arrange to see them one evening during each week after work, drive over, pick them up, go to local swimming pool for an hour then mcdonalds or similar for tea.

That is what my dp did for 3 yrs and we live almost 80 miles away from our dsd's mother.

Seriously, you need to stop being an arse and look at a decent compromise that allows you more time with your children but does not prevent your ex, their main carer from having quality time as well.

[blowbroth]

30 miles is nothing fgs!

[OrmIrian]

" (a) he has activities he wants to do with the children during the weekends "

And what is wrong with that?

[OrmIrian]

And why didn't you want them more before?

And why should they like your new partner?

[colditz]

WHy don't you go over a couple of evenings in the week, and take them out for tea? Doesn't have to be CrapDonalds, take a nice picnic tea with you, pick them up at 4.30 and drop them off in time for bed (which is when their dad says so, if he runs their day to day lives.) Say a Tuesday and a Wednesday?

[GypsyMoth]

op,you won't get anywhere with this here in aibu with this nest of vipers!!! (you lot should be ashamed,op might dissapear and never return,now come on!!)

go to www.wikivorce.com then go to forum and child residency section. all you need to now will be there

re post in lone parents here maybe?

30 miles is nothing

[Lilyloo]

From your post your ex says
your dc's have issues with your partner , am sure they do
they have things he wants them to do at weekends , fair enough
30 miles is to far to travel every weekend , yes

Not lame at all , what are your reasons for living so far away or not being prepared to go over and see them during the week ?

[tobago04]

Agree with overmydeadbody

[itsmeolord]

Crapdonalds is generally better than a pitch black November evening in a wet park in Kent though.

[itsmeolord]

ILOVETIFFANY - I have no reason to be ashamed of myself. I haven't commented on the op's past, I have merely offered advice and opinion based on my own experience.

[GypsyMoth]

tsmeolors....its not you being so nasty,its those big girls over there!!

[diddl]

Apart from the fact that I don´t understand why you left your children, what access would a father be getting in theses circumstances?

Every other weekend and perhaps one week night?

And if a week night doesn´t work due to distance, I suggest you move closer!

[LynetteScavo]

Volumptious Cow - what do your children want?

Colditz idea sounds good to me.

i imagine your chilren do dislike your new partner. If my mum had gone off with anohter man, I would hate him even if he was Father Christmas.

[LynetteScavo]

Tehre was a documentary on tV this week (cant' remember which chanel)about mothers who left their chilren.

It was very interesting, and I am probably being more understanding to VC because of watching it.

[itsmeolord]

quick hide!

I don't think the op will get the answers she wants on wikivorce or in lone parents though.
I think a few posters on here are lone parents and can see that the op is being massively unreasonable.

She is in effect belittling the childrens relationship with their main carer, their father, (who did not walk out on them) by not understanding that as a parent whether you stay at home or not, weekends are the only quality time you get. During the week it is all the shite stuff like school runs, uniforms, lunches, dinners, bedtime rows, homework rows etc.

[TeeteringOnTheEdge]

Poor kids. If you want to see them - live near them.

[diddl]

Another point is, of course, you walked out on your children.

Maybe they are happy with the amount they see of you.

[GypsyMoth]

can't you bargain for more time in the holidays as they are school age?

[itsmeolord]

Also, the op is not making much of an effort, 30 miles really is not too difficult to make a week night visit at all.

DP used to have;
2 weekends per month all weekend. (Saturday 9am - sunday teatime)
One evening per week from 4.30pm - 7.30pm
1 saturday per month from 10 - 4pm on a weekend that wasn't the full weekend.

We have always lived almost 80 miles away.

[Eyeballls]

Wow, judge and jury. You lot are priceless. I'm glad that you are all able to make such judgements on a snapshort of someone else's life. I absolutely don't condone what the op has done, far from it but you are all so quick to leap up on your high horses. MN can be a very ugly place at times like this.

What about some advice rather than a stoning?

OP, I haven't been in this situation so have no idea what to suggest other than to leave this lot to their judging. You won't get much sense here.

Disclaimer: The above rant is obviously not aimed at the grown ups who wrote proper replies.

[PerryPlatypus]

One thing that stands out for me from reading your posts is that your reasons for wanting greater access seem to be based on your needs, and your ex's refusals are based on what he feels are the children's needs.

I agree that you should be thinking about weekday access rather than trying to have more weekend time.