For wanting greater access to my kids?

[VoluptuousCow]

Afternoon folks . This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though.

[independiente]

OrmIrian, what you say is true. But you're right, it's not fair, because life doesn't just happen like that. The slow realisation of what you can't bear to live with (without repressing your very self) isn't always neatly divided from the beginning of feelings for someone else. I've (thankfully) never been in this situation, and I hope I never am, but I can imagine how confusing and painful it must be. Therefore, to have all that reduced to the level of 'you selfish cow, you shacked up with your lover, so live with it', is worse than useless.

[agingoth]

v good post independiente

LadyEvenstar I think the feeling of missing out/f*ing up comes as a sort of package, my biggest fear is the kids telling me they missed out on me and feeling I abandoned them, but I also fear missing out on them too. Unfortunately in my case the only option my ex is offering is one I feel completely unable to live with and I have felt recently (it may change) that it is better for the kids to have a sane mummy sometimes than one who's constantly crying and depressed.

It just isn't a clearcut decision when you're in it, particularly as a mother you are suddenly expected to give up things at the drop of a hat that no one in any other situation would be expected to.

VG idea to move nearer the kids though VC, it is bound to be ideal later on as they can pop in on you when more independent, etc.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Agin, I understand that but I do urge you as someone who has seen the effects from the childs side and the parents side to fight for more contact regardless of what stands in your way. if that means going to court then go. DS1 is still reeling from the lack of interest from his father and DP is reeling from his sons telling him they want no more to do with him....yet the youngest 15 (16 soon) will talk to me and wants to meet up with me, ds1 and his half brother (my ds2).

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

If it did get to court, at 9 and 11, their views would be taken into account as they are old enough.

if your ex is saying that they are saying one thing to you and another to him, well, then this is where CAFCASS would need to get involved maybe as an independent report.

[drlove8]

obviously your ex is still hurting from your split.... i dont think he realises that its clouding his judgement regarding your kids and your access. perhaps if you requested access for you only (you need time alone with your kids too, not just with your dp in tow) it would make him reconcider.
Suggest to him that you want to help him bring the kids up, not just be ther for all the fun and none of the hard stuff- offer to do parents nights and dentist runs... if it makes him realise that your their parent too.
moving closer is the way too go .... mediation centers can be a good thing .
hope it works out for you x

[VoluptuousCow]

So sorry to hear you are in a similar predicament Aginggoth (love your name by the way)

I speak to the children every night on the phone. On occasion we even use a video conferencing facility through the computer. Its good to actually "see" them too.

After the initial split, emotionally the kids were extremely raw, so parting after a visit was particularly painful. Over the course of the year though it has become less traumatic for them.

Kids grow up so fast though and I don't want to miss out anymore. A few years from now they will be teens and as you know that brings a whole new set of complications with it. I just want to be involved more and there to offer support when they need it.

Aginggoth where is your thread? I haven't seen it.

[agingoth]

hi VC
yeah skyping does sound a good idea, for me too.

my youngest is only 2 and I have committed to living near their father and commuting for the next year, the question is what I do afterwards- I am coming round more to the idea of noncustodial visiting as much as I can, as sadly my job is 200 miles away and there is very little chance of me getting another one.

I do particularly hate the idea of losing out on the landmarks of their growing up, the coming back from school, homework etc, especially as I currently do more of that than their father does.

But I have come to the conclusion that better for them to have a mum who did not give up everything and become miserable in the process, and am still hoping ex H will see reason and move to a more mutually commutable place. I've been slated for that on the thread as well as for my original plan to try and get the kids moved with me out of London (since on balance I am the primary carer)- the thread is in legal matters under 'residence dispute with H'.

[Northernlurker]

I would like the op to answer two questions:

Why did you feel the kids were better off living with your ex when you say uyou don't agree with his philosophy of parenting?

and

Do you pay maintainence?

[Lilyloo]

VC i hope you do find another job so you can be closer to your children.
I hope your ex agrees to this , will you consider the weekly visit before you get new job / move ?
Maybe that way you can establish a weeknight which could become an overnight weeknight when you move ?

[Sakura]

I donT think the OPs affair is relevant when it comes to custody of the children.
There are worse things that a person can do to their children than have an affair. And we have no clue as to what the marriage was like.
But,
I find it more worrying that the OP made an agreement with her ex to leave the children and move 30 miles away. This was not a good move IMO. It was essentially an abandonment.

But Im sure the ex <span class="italic">is</span> using the children as pawns to get back at the OP and this isnt right either, however hurt he may be.

the OP is the mother of these kids and now she wants to spend more time with her kids and I think she should be able to take steps to do so.

Children are not stupid. THey judge all our actions when they reach adulthood anyway. It is later up to the children to decide how they feel, but I think its a good thing that right now their mother wants to become more involved in their lives.

Just please, OP, do not abandon them a second time. If you make a commitment now, you have to see it through until they are 18 and beyond.

[drlove8]

if op was a man , i think there would be a more positive vibe here- as in a man who wants more contact with his kids would be praised .
fact is op is a parent who wants more time with her kids.more support please.
and just for the record i would leave my kids with DH if we split up , as he is the better parent, and it would be best for them.
the op did not abandon her kids, she continued to let them stay in the marital home with her ex , instead of removing them from all that is familiar.i think it must have been very hard to do , and its not much to ask to see more of them.
op your ex is being a wee bit spiteful.

[OrmIrian]

But all he has said is no to every the weekends drlove. How is that spiteful?

[drlove8]

i think its spiteful because similar went on with my own parents re my siblings and i .
any request my father , or his family made was rebuffed , all my mother did was say no . But she was speaking for us, not asking us. her decision was made the minute she found out about dads ow.
As a result i saw very little of my dads side.... and even less of him ..she wanted to punish him for leaving her. the only people she really hurt was us and herself.
she had no social life until my eldest sibling was 14 , then she'd leave us alone for weekends. (the youngest was 7 , there was 4 of us). My dad wanted to see us.
OP`s ex is thinking about himself, not his kids.why else would he say no to a child free weekend where he can go out an enjoy himself for a change?

[mankyscotslass]

But he has every other weekend childfree, to do that. Perhaps he too wants to have quality time with the children, not just the in from school/do your homework/tea/bed thing. If op had the children every weekend all he gets left with is the daily grind, which isn't fair.

Really, looking at what has been posted, op would be best to move a bit closer so she dosen't feel the distance is such a problem, and see the children more in the week. Plus as others have suggested in the holidays etc.

[drlove8]

i just think that non resident parents should be encouraged to see their kids as much as possible, but fair point .... i didnt pick up on the full story....

[drlove8]

• it always should be about the kids!

[OrmIrian]

Agree with justa.

VC I suspect you are really a good egg