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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that asking for CASH for a WEDDING GIFT is cheeky, not to mention....

196 replies

chocolatekimmy · 20/09/2009 20:40

presumptious?

Don't get me wrong, we had a very charming and funny little poem in with the wedding invite about having 'a nice toaster and not needing any coasters' etc. But isn't that the case for most people anyway if they have lived together first?

It just seems a bit weird - I know vouchers are no different really but at least you know they will buy something, usually something more expensive that they wouldn't expect one person to buy alone. I don't think they are particularly hard up for cash or that they will blow it down the pub. I also don't mind them knowing how much we 'spent' - but its almost more pressure for those who may be on a tight budget anyway.

Has anyone done this or faced a similar request?

Thanks

OP posts:
knpeppa · 21/09/2009 14:10

If I was on the receiving end of this sort of grasping behaviour I would be tempted to buy the happy couple something they would definitely use but slightly unusual - say 100 loo rolls!

Yes I do think it is wrong to ask for money -if you need to ask for money, don't have a lavish wedding, have a more ecomonical one.
Because all you will do with the money is buy things, yes? Why not ask people to buy you things that you need instead? Even asking for money to "save for something" is a bit suspect.

If you are lucky enought not to need anything, then don't ask for anything but suggest a charity donation instead to a cause close to your heart. There are plenty of other needy causes that could benefit.

That "poem" at the beginning of the thread is one of the worst pieces of doggerel I have ever come across. It doesn't scan, it doesn't rhyme and the sentiments are at once coy and grasping. It just makes me cringe.

WildSeahorsesCantStandTheDM · 21/09/2009 14:15

Alwayslooking, I agree that it would be really rude to bitch about someone for giving a low value gift, but I do think that you can't help noticing if someone doesn't give anything. We made a list of everyone who'd given us a gift and what they'd given us, purely in order to make sure that we didn't miss anyone out of the thank you letters and to ensure we thanked everyone for the right thing. We weren't doing it to be sniffy about the gifts, but it did become quite obvious that some people hadn't given anything. Not that we would have dreamt of saying anything to them.

AliGrylls · 21/09/2009 14:19

I think it is a little tacky to ask for money.

A gift list is slightly different because then at least you know that when you give a gift it is something that they have thought about and really like / need. A well compiled one will have gifts to suit all budgets.

alwayslookingforanswers · 21/09/2009 14:24

can't say I noticed who gave us gifts and who didn't at our wedding. Certainly didn't cross check it with the invites. I know there was obviously some who didn't follow cultural norms and give a gift - as there were no where near as many thank you letters to send out as invites - but as to who - no wouldn't have a clue.

And if people do notice, does it matter, doesn't matter whether it's cash, pick you own gifts, or a gift list if you're going to notice you'll notice I suppose.

And as for "oh I could only give £5/10/insert whatever amount" - again who cares. If the bride and groom are bothered about it that's not my problem. We had cash gifts ranging from $50zim up to $2,000Zim, short of paying attention when writing the letters to make sure I put the correct figure in the letter I wasn't really that bothered.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 14:31

Those poems are dire! There have been many threads on here featuring such poems, all of them sound grabby and rude no matter how they are worded.

jimbobsmummy · 21/09/2009 14:48

This was the poem the couple i mentioned before used for their wishing well...

More than just kisses so far we've shared
Our home has been made with love and care
Most things we need we?ve already got
Like a toaster and kettle, pans and pots
A wishing well we thought would be great
(but only if you wish to participate)
A gift of money is placed in the well
Then make a wish ? but do not tell
Once we?ve replaced the old with the new
We can look back and say it was thanks to you!
And in return for your kindness we?re sure
that one day soon you'll get what you wished for!

crokky · 21/09/2009 14:55

vom!

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 14:55

That poem is vom-inducing!

WTF is with these poems all assuming your guests will get you only toasters and kettles.

FFS!

So insulting, to be considered so stupid you can't even be trusted to get someone a nice gift unless it's dosh.

TheHeadbangingWombat · 21/09/2009 14:59

YANBU.And those sickening poems make it even worse.

Pikelit · 21/09/2009 15:02

I can understand the principle and in fairness, it is fine and dandy to talk about "tradition" in terms of vulgarity, but the sort of wedding tradition that supported gift lists were rooted in an era when the bride and groom set up home after they'd got married.

But for all that empathy, please don't send me one of those farkin' "poems".

sherby · 21/09/2009 15:06

I had an invite to a baby shower earlier this year which had a gift list/and or request for money

It even showered glitter everywhere when I opened it

Pikelit · 21/09/2009 15:08

A pedant writes.....

...what must be going through the head of a person happy to permit the use of "great" and "participate" as acceptable rhyming couplets?

OtterInaSkoda · 21/09/2009 15:15

Poems, well I?ve read a few
But the crap you sent me made me spew
So in response I send this verse
Which believe it or not is even worse
And now I really feel quite ill
But in response to your question, ?Yes we will?
(come to the wedding that is)

scaryteacher · 21/09/2009 15:15

When we got married we didn't include a list, but if people wanted to know what we wanted, we said M and S bath sheets. I got stacks, and am still using them 23 years on. Saved me a fortune on towels over the years!

I think asking for money for an unspecified purpose is vulgar. If a list is requested, make sure there is something on there for all price ranges (I still use the potato peeler we got). Best pressies however were a mooning gnome, and a box of wine, and the microwave (still in use, but the wine and the gnome are sadly gone).

sherby · 21/09/2009 15:17

I want a mooning gnome

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 15:23

I want one of those voice changers.

So I can get behind DH when he's playing away on the Wii after the kids are in bed and screech, 'Clean the fucking kitchen now, dammit!'

Docbunches · 21/09/2009 15:27

You can add me to the vulgar and tacky beyond belief camp and don't get me started on those pukey poems.

LOL at Otter's RSVP version.

Ceolas · 21/09/2009 15:28

Hate it. Hate the poems more...

scottishmummy · 21/09/2009 15:54

yes the poems are dire and cheesy

questioneverything · 21/09/2009 16:11

I don't see a problem with it at all. I think that we would all like a 'stack of cash' but we are to embarassed to say it. I got a pile of c-rap for my wedding, the best gift we got was a cheque for £500. This enabled us to have some savings for a rainy day. I always ask for cash for my birthday from my husband, then I go out on a nice afternoon and treat myself.

Lots of cultures give cash, its a great start to married life.

Hulababy · 21/09/2009 16:14

YANBU

Presents, including present lists/shop cards, should simply not be mentioned at all in an wedding invitation. They should only be referred to if and when someone asks the bridal couple for suggestions and ideas.

Anything more is presumptious and rude.

Sadly, this is ore often than not ignored however and wedding lists and those tacky lovely little poems come falling out the envelope before you even have chance to see who is getting married.

Hulababy · 21/09/2009 16:24

BTW, I don't have a problem with givng cash or vouchers, per se, or buying from a sensible wedding list. It is just the presumption - when it comes with the invite. The couple should wait to be asked IMO.

stupidgreatgrinonmyface · 21/09/2009 17:15

I do think it is rather rude to ask for cash. It does feel as though you are 'paying' for the privilege of being at the wedding, more so than if you give a gift. I have less problem with a gift list, but would rather that it is not sent out with the invitation.

When we married, it was customary to wait for guests to ask what you wanted and we had a small, informal list which we kept at my Mum's for that purpose. I suppose it wasslightly different then as people ( us included) tended not to live together first so you usually needed everything for the home and were very grateful for whatever people chose to buy. We only had one item that was duplicated ( other than towels and bed linen, but they all got used) and we gave that to afriend who got engaged just after our wedding. There were also some who didn't give us a gift. It really made no difference. One of those was a longstanding friend of mine who had got a 24 hour pass home from Germany and didn't even arrive back in the country until 9 o'clock that morning and had to leave at about 8 in the evening to get back. The fact that he was prepared to go to all that effort for us meant more than any gift. It was even more special because, sadly he was killed in a terrible accident just six weeks later, so my wedding was the last time I ever saw him. But I have something far more precious than any gift or money and that is the memory of him enjoying and sharing our day with us.

Tinfoil · 21/09/2009 17:17

But some people don't want to include it in the invitation, because they don't want to assume that every guest is interested in getting them a gift, and they want the invitation to be about hospitality only.

"Tinfoil - I'd assume if there was a gift list that they would give me the details in the invite!"

WidowWadman · 21/09/2009 17:24

Stupidgreatgrin - what a fantastic friend he must have been.