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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that asking for CASH for a WEDDING GIFT is cheeky, not to mention....

196 replies

chocolatekimmy · 20/09/2009 20:40

presumptious?

Don't get me wrong, we had a very charming and funny little poem in with the wedding invite about having 'a nice toaster and not needing any coasters' etc. But isn't that the case for most people anyway if they have lived together first?

It just seems a bit weird - I know vouchers are no different really but at least you know they will buy something, usually something more expensive that they wouldn't expect one person to buy alone. I don't think they are particularly hard up for cash or that they will blow it down the pub. I also don't mind them knowing how much we 'spent' - but its almost more pressure for those who may be on a tight budget anyway.

Has anyone done this or faced a similar request?

Thanks

OP posts:
OtterInaSkoda · 21/09/2009 11:41

Tinfoil - I so agree that invitations should be about extending your hospitality.
In the days when a couple were setting up home for the first time a gift list made sense. You wouldn't have included this in an invitation, though. As a guest you'd have asked the bride's mum or similar, or perhaps gone ahead and bought (another) toaster.
I've noticed that among people I know (who I love and like very much btw) the ones with the most money have the most steeply-priced lists. I guess because they assume their friends are richer or something.

OtterInaSkoda · 21/09/2009 11:46

TheLemur I wouldn't feel obliged to give cash in your position. And I think it's ver rude to ask evening guests for anything, let alone cash.

crokky · 21/09/2009 11:50

TheLemur - why don't you just not attend [miserable emoticon]

You have already been designated an "evening only guest" so I wouldn't bother personally.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 11:56

I honestly wouldn't bother with that evening-do one, TheLemur.

And I wouldn't give them FA, either, except a card.

I think inviting people just for the evening and expecting them to stump is so far beyond rude I'd never even heard of such a thing until I moved to the UK.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 11:58

And if it were my own family, I'd have no problems telling them why I wasn't coming, either.

Got a problem with it? Tough! One less person to worry about getting a Christmas present for.

I can't see why anyone's expected to be considerate of the feelings of people like this when they obviously have so little concern for everyone else's.

TheLemur · 21/09/2009 12:07

The whole thing is evening only - it's one of those "get married abroad then have a party when you get back". And it's a cousin so I can't really not go.

I am tempted to not give a gift but will just feel really awful if I don't - I think I might try and piggy back on my parents or brothers gift somehow.

It's not so much that I can't afford the money, just how obliged it makes me feel!

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 12:17

Ah, see! I'm coming from the 'can't afford it' camp.

TheMightyToosh · 21/09/2009 12:19

I think cold hard cash is a bit awkward, but you could always give a gift voucher for a dept store if that makes it easier.

I totally understand people not wanting actual gifts if they have been together for ages/living together already. That's just a waste.

I think mentioning it in the invite is fine personally, as it assumes that most people will want to give something (who ever turned up to a wedding without giving ANYTHING?) so to avoid multiple copies of the same present/things they don't need or have space for, why not pre-empt it by saying so in the invite?

OtterInaSkoda · 21/09/2009 12:24

So, they didn't want friends and family at their wedding, but they do want friends and family to give them money. They want to have their cake and eat it imo. If they were my fmaily I'd want to give them something but I would resent being asked.

scottishmummyofone · 21/09/2009 12:32

I would send them an anonymous short poem in response to be honest. Maybe something like:

If you don?t like the wedding present
At least be grateful that we went
to share your big day
and you could always just sell it on ebay!

was that cr*p? LOL

WidowWadman · 21/09/2009 12:41

Otterinaskoda - if they didn't want anybody to be there, surely they'd have not bothered about a party.

mamagaga · 21/09/2009 12:49

I used to work in a department store and you saw people using their wedding gift vouchers all the time to buy clothes! Asking people to pay for your honeymoon is worse, dont have one if you cant afford it and that goes for the wedding too!

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 12:52

Amen, mamagaga!

I like the poem, scottish. That's excellent!

msrisotto · 21/09/2009 13:00

How is asking for money towards the honeymoon awful?

If you've lived together for a while and don't need crockery etc but you know people will want to give something, what's wrong with suggesting they buy you dinner on your honeymoon or something to help have a memorable honeymoon?

WidowWadman · 21/09/2009 13:03

Apparently, it's ok to ask for a toaster because toasters, as we all know, are a basic human right. So are coasters.

Anybody who neither likes toasters or coasters is a stuck up cow and simply doesn't deserve anything.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 13:06

Because telling your guests that any gift they gift you is unacceptable and unwanted unless it's money is tacky and rude.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 13:07

Can't say I've ever bought someone a toaster or coasters.

That's really nice, to assume your guests are such pillocks they're all going to gift you with something you're going to hate or find a nuisance because it's not money.

TheMightyToosh · 21/09/2009 13:08

Agree Widow - asking for money/gift vouchers is no "worse" than putting details of the gift list in with the invite.

People will want to buy a gift of some sort, so you have to point them in the right direction somehow!

Personally, I'd be a bit miffed to not receive gift direction with the invite, as then I'd have to spend time I don't have on deliberating whether to buy something they might hate or give them vouchers, cash, or assume they don't want anything!

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/09/2009 13:10

Christ Widow why do you care so much.

gagamama · 21/09/2009 13:11

If they ask for money towards their honeymoon, give it in the currency of wherever they are visiting. It's kind of a gift voucher then. This is what I'm doing for a good friend of mine - the amount in dollars sounds much better than the actual amount in stirling!

I agree it is vulgar though. I was mildly outraged to be billed for a honeymoon when the cost of attending the engagement drinks/multiple hen nights/pre-wedding meal/actual wedding has actually cost me my holiday this year. But hey ho.

Tinfoil · 21/09/2009 13:15

Or you could ask them whether they have a gift list

"Personally, I'd be a bit miffed to not receive gift direction with the invite, as then I'd have to spend time I don't have on deliberating whether to buy something they might hate or give them vouchers, cash, or assume they don't want anything!"

TheMightyToosh · 21/09/2009 13:19

Tinfoil - I'd assume if there was a gift list that they would give me the details in the invite!

jimbobsmummy · 21/09/2009 13:24

We went to a wedding of DHs cousin 2 years ago - he doesn't really get on with his family (especially this chaps mother, his aunt, who is politely described as an miserable old witch) and we really didn't want to go but we really had to to avoid causing a row.

In the invitation they said they would be having a 'wishing well' and that they wanted us to put money in it. When we arrived at the reception, there it was on a table right as you entered, this white frilly lacy contraption made out of a bucket wrapped in tissue paper and tinsel round the handle.

I have never seen anything so tacky in my life. Dreadful and incredibly vulgar! We just couldn't bear to put money in - so we told them I would take some photos for them and then get them a bound photobook printed. We did this (having done it for other friends before, I'm a keen photographer) and the aunt still 2 years later keeps going on about how we should have put money in 'because we can afford it'! Damned cheek. The book cost more than we would have ever considered giving in cash.

However, sadly, just 2 years later, they are now getting divorced. Shame.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 13:24

You're a bigger person than I am, gaga, because I wouldn't have stumped up all that coin for my own sister's shindigs if it meant my family didn't go on holiday that year.

alwayslookingforanswers · 21/09/2009 14:05

what makes a gift list any better than cash? I really don't get it. The Bride and Groom still know how much you have or haven't spent.

In this country it's considered good etiquette to take a gift, whether it's a wedding, a dinner party of just going round for a drink with a friend. So for many people the prospect of giving nothing at a wedding is horrifying. You just don't do it. aCtually having said that not sure it is just this country, as DH was brought up the same you HAVE to give a gift.

If you think the bride and groom are going to be sat there thinking "oh look they only gave us £5" or even "oooo they didn't give us anything at all" then why on earth are you even considering going to their wedding? For the free booze at the reception???

I wouldn't even want to be friends with people who were going to cross examine the gifts and cash they got to see who gave the most, or bought the most expensive present, or who gave the least, or cheapest present, or even nothing at all. Not the person I'd want to be friends with.