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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that asking for CASH for a WEDDING GIFT is cheeky, not to mention....

196 replies

chocolatekimmy · 20/09/2009 20:40

presumptious?

Don't get me wrong, we had a very charming and funny little poem in with the wedding invite about having 'a nice toaster and not needing any coasters' etc. But isn't that the case for most people anyway if they have lived together first?

It just seems a bit weird - I know vouchers are no different really but at least you know they will buy something, usually something more expensive that they wouldn't expect one person to buy alone. I don't think they are particularly hard up for cash or that they will blow it down the pub. I also don't mind them knowing how much we 'spent' - but its almost more pressure for those who may be on a tight budget anyway.

Has anyone done this or faced a similar request?

Thanks

OP posts:
moondog · 20/09/2009 23:56

No easy answer but do agree completely with whoever said that being fleeced when going to evening do is akin to paying for (dubious) privilege of going to a (not very good or original) party.

All weddings and associated rituals are naff as hell anyway.

Clary · 20/09/2009 23:59

I refused to send out a wedding list with my wedding invites - I think it's tacky to ask someone to spend lots of money coming to your wedding (probably: babysitter, outfit, transport, hotel) and then ask for a pressie as well.

If anyone did ask, they were directed to a wedding list. Some people didn't and bought us random things. Serves me right then

Our best present was £££ in pesetas (this was back in the day!) from my BiL for us to spend on our honeymoon. So yes, cash is good, and if that's what people actually want then it's what I'd give them.

Still think it's cheeky to ask tho.

scottishmummy · 21/09/2009 00:11

i want to give what they want to receive,whether it be cash or gift list

Tinfoil · 21/09/2009 00:11

An invitation is for extending your hospitality, not for asking for gifts or money. A gift list should be sent out separately, and only to those who ask.

The bride and groom will probably compile their own gift list and there's nothing forcing them to include a toaster and coasters on the list! Some people include gift vouchers on the list.

Some people would probably buy from the gift list, others may choose something else they think the couple will like. It's good manners to accept any gifts gracefully, and not to say that certain gifts would be unwelcome.

YANBU.

diddl · 21/09/2009 07:42

Asking for money makes me a bit .

If it was money just for their bank balance, I think I´d rather give to a charity on their behalf.

cory · 21/09/2009 07:49

The problem with cash is, it really shows up those people who can't afford very much.

You can always find (or even make) a gift that looks more expensive than it is.

But you can never make a £5 note look more than it is.

I would have hated for guests at my wedding to feel inadequate. I'd far rather live with the tea cosies.

ManicMother7777 · 21/09/2009 08:14

Asking for money is just awful IMO.

Morloth · 21/09/2009 09:16

I don't care about etiquette it is soooooo much easier when the person just tells me what they want!

Everyone is happier that way.

alwayslookingforanswers · 21/09/2009 09:21

"If there's one thing I really don't like it's wedding lists, I find them much more presumptious and cheeky than an outright request for money, as they already assume a minumum spend. "

agree entirely there. I've never seen a wedding list with anything less than about £20 on it, and even if people have lists with cheaper stuff on it, surely there's still the "stigma" of being the person to buy the cheapest thing off the list. So the bride and groom can still think "oh they were really stingy they only spent X amount, but oh look so-and-so bought the £250 present for us how lovely".

Don't see how it's any different if someone gives a small amount of cash and someone else gives a shed load.

At the end of the day if the happy couple are the type to sit down together and comment about what a cheapskate someone is they'll do it with cash or wedding list.

bigstripeytiger · 21/09/2009 09:24

One of the most annoying wedding gift experiences I had was with a couple who had a list, but only for 'very close friends and family'. I was really irritated by that - it felt like for some reason they only thought certain people should know what they wanted, and everyone else would just have to guess, and risk getting something that was of no use to the couple. Grrr.

flowerybeanbag · 21/09/2009 09:27

I really don't like it. Friends of mine got married recently and asked for either cash or JL vouchers, so we got them vouchers. At least they didn't have a corny poem.

I don't mind lists as much, as it means you can get them something they want rather than them getting 6 toasters.

When we got married we didn't like the idea of presuming anything at all, even though we were very skint and only 22 so really needed everything for the house. We didn't mention gifts in the invitations. If people specifically asked, they were directed to our mums who were in charge of holding informal lists of stuff we wanted (not a department store official list). That worked quite well, some bought from that, some just chose something for us.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/09/2009 09:31

I think if people spend silly amounts on personalised napkins, sugared almonds and other fripperies for their wedding, and then ask for cash as a present, they have got a cheek imo. Wouldn't mind at all if they were having a simple wedding.

I would cringe though if someone sent an invite with that poem in it. And get them an antique pine manazine rack as revenge

WildSeahorsesCantStandTheDM · 21/09/2009 09:41

I can't believe the number of people on this thread who have said that they'd deliberately buy something that they knew the couple wouldn't like as "revenge" for being asked for cash/supplied with a wedding list. If you like them, why wouldn't you want to get them something they'll like? If you don't like them, why are you going to their wedding in the first place?

Grumpla · 21/09/2009 09:49

We were between houses when we got married so we told people that if they absolutely HAD to buy us a present we would like vouchers for John Lewis. We made it really clearly they didn't have to bother as we were already getting married a good four hours from where most of them lived and they were having to shell out for campsites and B&Bs. Most of our mates gave us a tenner's worth, and relatives, friends of parents (the "grownups") gave us a bit more.

Although we had lived together in rented flats for two years already we were still using student bedlinen, cracked plates, wobbly-handled forks etc so it was lovely to be able to get some nice towels, plates etc for our first 'proper' home together when we finally moved in. We didn't spend the vouchers in one blowout either so as our old kettle, toaster etc conked out we could go and replace them one at a time.

Several of my friends have now got married and I am more than happy to give cash - I'd much rather they spent the money on something they wanted / needed than something I thought they "should have". The most recent wedding was the best, a mutual friend organised a decorated box and everyone just gave her the cash to put in it so it went as one lump sum, no pressure on individuals. I wish I had thought of that as it means everyone can give exactly what they want to / can afford to without any pressure.

My sister has quite a few posh friends and one wedding she went to last year had a list. The cheapest item was a duck down pillow for £80 . I think that is far, far tackier than asking for cash or vouchers. And don't even get me started on expecting your bridesmaids to shell out hundreds of quid on vile frocks...

AvrilH · 21/09/2009 09:50

YABU, they can suggest anything they like. You can give them a toaster anyway.

WidowWadman · 21/09/2009 09:58

Getorfmyland- Why shouldn't they have the wedding they want? Just because you wouldn't want sugared almonds for yours, it doesn't make those people who do bad persons or asking for voluntary contributions 'cheeky'.

I mean I'd get your point if they asked everyone to pay for their own dinner (not unheard of), but that's something entirely different.

That said, I've no idea whether there'll be any sugared almonds at my wedding, as I appointed my sister to be wedding planner, since she's much better at the bridezilla thing than I am.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/09/2009 10:18

Widow - to be honest my previous post was hypothetical as it has never actually happened - every wedding I have ever been to has a wedding list.

My comment was based on that vile poem anyway which refers to 'having money for our savings pot'. So, if you have depleted your savings pot by spending it on an extravagant wedding I think you would have a cheek in asking for cash tbh.

HappyMummyOfOne · 21/09/2009 10:19

I hate invites asking for cash, its tacky and vulgar. Its like having to pay an entry fee to attend the wedding in the first place. Wedding lists are ok as long as only sent out on request.

It can cost a lot simply to attend if you have to buy new clothes, travel, stay over etc so asking for a specific present is very cheeky.

WidowWadman · 21/09/2009 10:28

Getorfmyland - don't get me wrong, I find that poem terrible, too (no matter how often my mother suggested we use it, because she found it cute), but in general, I still think it's down to the couple how they want to celebrate.

After all, any party is unneccessary expense, since they could just get themselves down to the local registry and have done with it, without guests, pretty dresses, and I think even rings aren't compulsory.

If it was the couple's life time ambition to have 16 ushers in pink silk suits and they want to deplete their savings for it, then so be it. It's their wedding, they hopefully only have one, so why should it not be the wedding of their dreams? If they have no special wishes for items, but people insist on making them a present, why would it be wrong then to ask for cash to make up for some of the cost of the ushers' pink silk suits?

I mean where do you draw the line? How much is a wedding allowed to cost, before it crosses the humble line and the couple is not allowed to ask for money in lieu of presents, when asked what they wish for?

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/09/2009 10:33

"why would it be wrong then to ask for cash to make up for some of the cost of the ushers' pink silk suits?"

Because it's bad manners (and naff).

"I mean where do you draw the line? How much is a wedding allowed to cost, before it crosses the humble line and the couple is not allowed to ask for money in lieu of presents, when asked what they wish for?"

I think my judgement will be based entirely on how cringeworthy I consider the invitations to be.

Widow - this is an AIBU, I am not taking it seriously

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 10:39

Why not just charge admission and be done with it?

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 21/09/2009 10:40

I think the idea of an anonymous "post box" at the reception is fantastic !!! Guests can then choose how much they wish to give without any pressure. Wish I'd thought of that.

Evmw · 21/09/2009 10:52

Whats wrong with cash? every other culture does it with no problems. Lets face it you will probably buy a present anyway (unless you are really tight) so why not help them payy off their wedding debt credit card. In some countries you have to pin money on the bride, at least you dont have to do that!!!!!Plus you have saved time shopping. dont get why people have an issue with it

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 10:55

Yes, but this is Britain.

And it's also one of the few cultures in which a couple have a giant, white wedding when they've been living together for 10+ years and have 2+ children together.

TheLemur · 21/09/2009 11:39

We have been invited to 4 weddings this year, ALL have asked for cash

The latest one is an evening do only, no children allowed. It is a family wedding so no-one is available to babysit free of charge for us. So we have to travel 1 hour, pay for a hotel and babysitter and then give money to the happy couple for the priviledge! It wouldn't irk so much but that the bride and groom are far better off than we are and haven't asked for the money for anything in particular.

I think asking for cash raises far to many ill feelings to ever work. bring back gift lists!

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