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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that asking for CASH for a WEDDING GIFT is cheeky, not to mention....

196 replies

chocolatekimmy · 20/09/2009 20:40

presumptious?

Don't get me wrong, we had a very charming and funny little poem in with the wedding invite about having 'a nice toaster and not needing any coasters' etc. But isn't that the case for most people anyway if they have lived together first?

It just seems a bit weird - I know vouchers are no different really but at least you know they will buy something, usually something more expensive that they wouldn't expect one person to buy alone. I don't think they are particularly hard up for cash or that they will blow it down the pub. I also don't mind them knowing how much we 'spent' - but its almost more pressure for those who may be on a tight budget anyway.

Has anyone done this or faced a similar request?

Thanks

OP posts:
pushmepullyou · 20/09/2009 21:02

I don't have a problem with it. Would rather they could spend the money on something they really want.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 20/09/2009 21:03

Hmm.

DH relative got married recently and wanted cash. I think it is something we feel a bit uncomfortable about in this country - we don't talk about money. Plus the parents wanted to give something a bit more memorable which I think is understandable, so we worked something out.

Also suddenly remembered a not very close friend who had moved to a different country. She declined the invite, then contacted me a few days before saying she was having marital probs and could she come, without the kids or DH. I said fine, she gave us a wedding present of a brown paper envelope stuffed with twenties. No joke. DH and I were and it was very welcome, and very unexpected.

I suppose the point is that the gift has to feel suitable to the giver? To prescribe too much what people can give... Wedding lists are fine IMO and you don't need to stick to them, cash is just so soulless.

Maveta · 20/09/2009 21:05

no problem with it at all, would rather give them something they will use than waste my money. it is very normal where i live but even so some of my friends clubbed together to buy us gifts and we were pleased all the same.

Original poster
chocolatekimmy · 20/09/2009 21:06

PatTheHammer - good comments thanks. Sums up where I am with this particularly the thoughts about how it looks in terms of how much you give. I suspect there is a kind of expectation based on how much they think you can 'afford'.

Reading the poem again, it sounds pretty naff. I thought they had actually written it!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/09/2009 21:07

this avoidance and loathing of giving cash is odd

is it preferable to give a consumer durable item,from a list and hope they like or it isn't replicated

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/09/2009 21:08

god do people who've just got married really sit there and analyze who gave them presents and who didn't/who bought the most expensive thing off the guest list/who bought the cheapest??

All we could manage was to send thank you's to the ones that did give us gifts and cash. Certainly didn't compare with the invite list to see who didn't give anything.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2009 21:11

I usually give cash.

But if it's demanded of me, a guest, and made clear that nothing else I have to give is wanted or acceptable, then I give them something else that is not money or I turn down the invite and send along a card.

It's fucking rude and tacky and vulgar.

If you have everything you need then ask for nothing.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/09/2009 21:12

Why would you suspect "a kind of expectation based on how much they think you can 'afford'"? Why not just give them the benefit of the doubt? I really don't understand why you would go out and buy a photo frame and champagne that they haven't asked for instead of giving them a cheque for the same amount. Surely the point of a gift is to please the recipient? It's not about you.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/09/2009 21:14

God, I hate the word 'vulgar'.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2009 21:15

Well, demanding cash from your guests and making it clear no other gift is appreaciated or wanted is vulgar.

plimple · 20/09/2009 21:16

If they haven't got a specific purpose they won't mind you not giving any cash at all.
Lots of people like to give presents and yet lots of presents aren't needed. Money is a get out clause for someone who wants to make a gift. In my mind someone is doing me a favour by saying don't give me anything, but if you feel the need I'd like cash please.
If you don't want to give money, don't. Some people really would rather you just showed up.
If I said I didn't want anything, I know there are some friends/relatives who would still feel the need to give me something that I may never use or need.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 20/09/2009 21:20

I do understand though why parents and close relatives get upset with the cash thing.

They want to give you something to remember them by.

AcrylicAfternoons · 20/09/2009 21:22

I've been to several weddings recently and every couple said they would prefer money or vouchers. I think it's fine - they're my friends and if it's what they want I will happily oblige. I don't even care if they do spend it down the pub, that's up to them.

And it's a lot easier from my POV to shove some money in an envelope than to go out a pick a present. So everyone is happy

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 20/09/2009 21:23

My DH & I lived together and already had everything we needed when we got married.

We did not mention gifts/money etc in our invitations, but.........

.......when anyone asked if there was anything we would like, we asked for either Cash or Argos Vouchers (always handy, you can get practically anything in Argos!!).

When opening all of our gifts/cards etc, I wrote a list of who gave what so that when I sent my Thank You cards, I could personalise it to say "Thank you for the lovely photo frame/the money you gave us. We used it to buy xxx".

I would have no problem giving cash as a wedding present as I would much rather the happy couple spent the money on something they actually wanted or needed, rather than shoving my gift to the back of a cupboard, or worse, flogging it on eBay !!! .

TBH, I think it is far ruder to include a gift list in an invitation than ask for cash. At least with cash, the guest gets to choose how much they wish to give.

pooexplosions · 20/09/2009 21:26

Someone I know got a wedding invite a while ago that not only asked for cash, but specified a (large) amount!

I wouldn't like being asked for cash, but then I'd rather not be invited to weddings, so I don't know what is bad or what is me being bah humbug....

scottishmummy · 20/09/2009 21:26

i hate wedding list,the directive bossiness of them would much rather give cash,than chose from a list

Portofino · 20/09/2009 21:28

I find the whole thing a bit strange. Other cultures seem to work really well with just giving hard cash! Surely that is fine - you end up a sum of money that you can spend as you see fit.

Wedding lists are a nightmare! You log in to John Lewis / Argos and hope you don't appear mean just buying one thing. Cos everyone always seems to put the most expensive things ever in their lists.

I guess in the olden days, you expected to get a "nice" dinner service and a "nice" set of cutlery that would last a lifetime. Now everyone wants Jamie Oliver cookware.....

grownupbabes · 20/09/2009 21:32

When we got married we didn't need stuff as it was 2nd time around for both. If anyone asked about a present - and only if - we suggested a voucher for a particular art gallery. Almost everyone did this, and at the end, we had been given a handsome sum in vouchers for this gallery which we spent then on a single original painting which we loved. It now hangs in pride of place, and on the back we later put an envelope full of the wedding cards of everyone that had contributed to this gift. On our thank you cards, we put in a photograph of the painting so everyone could see what they had given to us. Years later it still gives us daily pleasure and reminds us of our lovely wedding. And I have absolutely no recollection of whether anyone's particular contribution was £5 or £150.

dilemma456 · 20/09/2009 21:34

Message withdrawn

AcrylicAfternoons · 20/09/2009 21:35

ARGH Lovelytinofspam - but 'something to remember them by' usually means a vase or ornament or other pointless niknak. I got some stuff like this for DDs christening and although I understand the sentiment behind it, I just don't know what to do with them (I put them in loft btw).

My mum got loads of ornament / vasey type stuff as wedding presents. She hated them, mainly I think because she resented dusting them She used to keep them on a particular low mantlepiece in the hope that one of us would knock one off and smash it so she could ligitimately throw it away

piscesmoon · 20/09/2009 21:40

I might choose to give money but I think that it is rude to ask for it. Little poems make it worse.

CHOOGIRL · 20/09/2009 21:41

Giving cash doesn't bother me personally - after all it is costing them to have me at their wedding. I sometimes do this

scottishmummy · 20/09/2009 21:43

i was asked to give donation to a specific charity,i gave cash instead

cheesesarnie · 20/09/2009 21:45

i hate all the asking for gifts-wedding lists etc.but asking for money just takes it one step further imo.vulgar.

kylesmybaby · 20/09/2009 21:46

was recently at a wedding where they asked for cash as one of them really need to learn to drive. the spend ages every morning/evening getting the bus for school run etc. it was a pleasure to contribute.

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