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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that asking for CASH for a WEDDING GIFT is cheeky, not to mention....

196 replies

chocolatekimmy · 20/09/2009 20:40

presumptious?

Don't get me wrong, we had a very charming and funny little poem in with the wedding invite about having 'a nice toaster and not needing any coasters' etc. But isn't that the case for most people anyway if they have lived together first?

It just seems a bit weird - I know vouchers are no different really but at least you know they will buy something, usually something more expensive that they wouldn't expect one person to buy alone. I don't think they are particularly hard up for cash or that they will blow it down the pub. I also don't mind them knowing how much we 'spent' - but its almost more pressure for those who may be on a tight budget anyway.

Has anyone done this or faced a similar request?

Thanks

OP posts:
Theochris · 20/09/2009 21:50

I absolutely don't mind giving cash (cheque/bank transfer!) I'm busy enough to be grateful that it's easy. Happy to do vouchers too esp if it's easy ones like John L that you can pick up at Waitrose.

What I hate is a wedding list with very few things in my price range (or that are all gone by the time I get organised). So now I set up an alarm on my PC to alert me on the day the wedding list opens so I don't get stuck with something out of budget or something I consider rubbish like a popcorn machine (sorry if you like these!)

If I was getting married I would never ask for cash though as I know lots think it rude.

Theochris · 20/09/2009 21:54

Oh I heard something really funny about this on the radio a few weeks back. The DJ was saying that he had received a wedding list with things like a Wii on it and said that the couple had clearly got there wedding list mixed up with their list for Santa

Chandon · 20/09/2009 21:54

It´s the unshamed greed that is embarassing.

The assumption the you are "entitled" to ask for whatever you want.

It´s turning the whole thing into a transaction ("We spent this much on guests food etc. and we expect this (ie cash) in return").

Some people enjoy giving a gift, thinking about something special, that they would like to give on this occasion.

Saying: "I prefer cash" is beyond vulgar, it´s crass.

fluffles · 20/09/2009 21:56

this is really hard, we're getting married next year and absolutely DO NOT want any presents. anybody who knows me knows that i loath excessive consumerism and 'stuff' and freecycle like crazy because i hate stuff going into landfill even more.

what i DO like is travel and meals out with DP (soon to be DH) both of which we'll have to give up for at least a year in order to have a wedding celebration with our friends.

and then there's the question of how much you 'have' to pay for your guests - we want to do a whole weekend away, can we ask for a contribution for accomodation for those who want to stay? we'll obviously cover food and drink for the big meal but can we have a cash bar at some point or say byo for other meals/evenings (it's self catering)? or do we have to feed and water people all weekend?

i'm just glad that none of our friends are like many posters i've seen on here moaning at us wanting to treat them to a weekend away in teh first place!!!

fluffles · 20/09/2009 21:58

sorry, that touched a nerve it just seems your damned if you do and damned if you don't with weddings.

scottishmummy · 20/09/2009 21:58

but implicitly we all know the expectation is give ^something" either gift or cash.

fluffles · 20/09/2009 22:01

one thought we had - is that we're not having a photographer for the weekend (just a studio picture at the registry office) so we thought if we ask people to take photos and give us them on memory stick or CD??

do you think people would do that for us? rather than give us any 'stuff'.

scottishmummy · 20/09/2009 22:04

lovely idea.friend did that.asked people to snap at will,and they got amazing range of spontaneous non-posed pictures reflective of them and guests

posed, stand to attention wedding shots, are so contrived and wooden

ravenAK · 20/09/2009 22:08

I like the whole 'if you want to give something, cash would be lovely' deal.

For years I just gave people nice wine glasses (practically everyone has a use for them, & if not, they can always give them to someone else for Xmas...)

Then I discovered that 3 of my friends were also setting Nice Wine Glasses as their default (we'd all been to each other's weddings, too, & given each other more ruddy wine glasses).

Life's too short. Give 'em a nice cheque, or if you can't afford to, don't, & don't give it another thought.

selby · 20/09/2009 22:08

As the recipient of 3 canteens of cutlery - I always buy from the wedding list and to date, there always has been one. If they want vouchers, I give vouchers and I have no problem gifting cash if that is what they would prefer. Why be offended if you were going to spend the amount anyway? I'd rather not waste my money and it saves hassle (as do wedding lists) - but I'm a pragmatist - if they want a kitchen bin, give them a kitchen bin. Of course, it may be an issue if you wanted to gift a home produced creation of art which is obviously without price....

scottishmummy · 20/09/2009 22:12

but one person lovely,something to cherish gift is a another person ugly unwanted item

Glitterknickaz · 20/09/2009 22:17

Ok so how about if you had a list of things (most expensive item £10) for your own wedding - only created that list because certain family members wanted one - we ourselves weren't worried about whether we got a present or not tbh, and one of the certain family members that asked then ignored the list and got something completely different? And then it's their wedding next month and they want cash?

I'm tempted to do the same thing - ignore the request and get something completely different. I know it's petty

DreamsInBinary · 20/09/2009 22:33

fluffles - the photo idea is fab. I think it would work wonderfully. Good luck

ravenAK · 20/09/2009 22:34

Yes Glitterknickaz, but then you'd have to be arsed to go out & buy them something, so a fairly crap revenge really...

Ronaldinhio · 20/09/2009 22:35

tis shit and classless

zoejeanne · 20/09/2009 22:49

I'm in the camp of having a problem with giving cash or vouchers - one reason being that it feels like I've not put much thought into the gift (even if that is what was requested). I mind lee if someone says something like 'we want a 3 piece suite' or something to save for, but if it's just a general request for money then I go against their wishes.

I really went off cash as a gift after seeing a couple who's wedding we went to and asking about their honeymoon and got the response 'ok, but we'd wanted to go to the maldives but weren't given enough money for our wedding so we had to make to with ...' (I forget where they went) - rather ungrateful!

Saying all this, one of the most touching wedding presents we got was someone who'd asked about our honeymoon and got us some of the local currency

zoejeanne · 20/09/2009 22:52

I mind less (who knows what mind lee is?!)

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 20/09/2009 22:53

If I were sent an invitation with that naff, cheesey poem in it I would seriously think twice about going.

AllyOodle · 20/09/2009 23:03

What about a charity donation? Is there a charity that is close to their hearts? I would be tempted to do that and put the receipt/printout in a card.

I think asking for cash is cheeky, and even having a list is a bit dodgy if you are over 25 and have lived together for more than a year. The wedding list custom dates from when people left their parents' homes to marry - it's completely outdated in this day and age. My mum's neighbours got married after having been together for ages and she actually told my mum "we got married because we wanted to replace all the bedlinen".

And that poem is just awful. What will the readings at the wedding be - On The Ning Nang Nong, followed by My Uncle Billy Had A Ten Foot Willy?

WidowWadman · 20/09/2009 23:09

We just didn't put anything about presents into our invitation, as it's the best present for us when people turn up. Since half of our guests have to travel abroad to do so, it'd be cheeky to ask for anything else.

Anyone who asked what we wanted as presents though, we told that a contribution towards the cost of the wedding would be great, if they can't think of anything else.

If there's one thing I really don't like it's wedding lists, I find them much more presumptious and cheeky than an outright request for money, as they already assume a minumum spend.

drlove8 · 20/09/2009 23:18

fook that - just buy them cutlery - it doesnt matter if they end up with twenty sets .... all the forks and spoons go missing eventually.

bigstripeytiger · 20/09/2009 23:19

I dont like the idea of an outright request for cash, but I do recognise that this is a bit illogical, because I love it when people have gift lists. I enjoy being able to get people a gift that I know they will like, rather than risking getting them sonmething they may already have.

I actually find it a bit irritating when people dont have gift lists. They know that people are going to want to buy them a gift, so I think the least they can do is give the guests some idea of what they would like.

MistergodthisisSal · 20/09/2009 23:29

I really don't like the mention of any kind of gift, whether money or other, with an invitation. Mind you, I don't like wedding gift registers either. I'm clearly very impractical, but feel that if implies an "entry fee".

By choice I'd probably give money anyway if I didn't know anyone well enough to know exactly what they would like, but weirdly I get annoyed every time it's asked for.

Limiting gifts to money could also place someone in a really difficult position if they didn't have a lot of cash available at the time. You might be able to get something really nice at an art market for, say £20, whereas it could probably feel odd to give just that (replace with relevant amount).

selby · 20/09/2009 23:33

Can't see any moral high ground in stating that you have no wedding list but on the other hand, if people ask (and surely most people do in that scenario)- they get told that a contribution to the wedding costs would be great. IMO, people tend only to be offended by wedding lists & cash/voucher requests if they don't like the couple - it doesn't seem to be a problem for your nearest & dearest. Illogical but there you are! I say, make your excuses for those type of wedding invitations & you'll feel happier.

mumeeee · 20/09/2009 23:40

YABU. DD1 didn't ask for cash. But quite a lot of people did give them money which they were really pleased about.