Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

i've got half way through

still reading

er, no you are not being unreasonable. Not sure what other advice to offer really, but it all sounds a bit mad.

ok, i got to the bit where she took your three week daughter away from you without permission

holy mary

yanbu, hugely but I think you need some serious advice

i would keep bumping for attila or any of the other wonderful people who've got really good advice about calming things down and regaining control without losing the high ground, and particularly about securing the support of your husband

YANBU

I am really sorry you are in this horrible situation

she sounds thoroughly disrespectful of you and your role as DDs mother

running out of the house with your 3 week old baby when you had expressly told her not to should have been a massive wake up call for DH

he needs to grow a pair and back you up, you and DD are his priority now

your MIL sounds controlling and spoilt and YANBU to only wnat her around when your DH is there

you need to talk to him, calmly , and set out how you feel and why you feel like this

you should never feel forced into leaving your baby with anyoone you don't feel comfortable with, whether they are a gradnaperent or not

she is a tiny baby and she needs to be with you !

you would be closer to your MIL if she treated you with respect and kindness, and your DH needs to get his head round that

your dh is being appalling, his responsibility is to you and your child first and foremost

seriously, this could damage not only your relationship with him but also with your daughter, as well as hers with this shocker of a mil

his responsibility is to you, you, you and not his mother

remember that

apart from that i got nothing

but sympathy

YANBU I am in shock after reading this she sounds like a loon .

You need to get DH to support you through this because at the moment is sounds as though he is not offering much in the way of support, You and DD are his priority and he should know happy Mum = happy baby.

Not much to offer in the way of advice but no way are you in the wrong not at all.

I read 3/4s of it

tell her to fuck off

tell DP to deal with it

I couldnt live like that - my X MIL told me to have an abortion and locked me in a room for 4 hours to think about my decision and my DP still stuck up for her over everything else - when DD was born I put up with her for about 6 weeks, then I ended up flipping, for similar behaviour to you, she announced the birth of DD in local paper as her "first" grandchild, when infact she already had 2 grand daughters by her older son, who she had fallen out wiuth, because he married a "slut" her words not mine

No of course you're not

Are you arguing because hes being a wuss about standing up to her or is he actually defending her? Why does he resent it? Seems a bit odd, most men don't care that much

Oh my god.

Poor poor you. YANBU at all. She sounds horrendous and no you are so not wrong about not wanting your DD out of your sight for one second.

It sounds like your DH needs to step in and have serious words with her if this is ever to be resolved. You have to tell him how you feel or this will just go on and on and get worse. I really feel for you. The last thing you need with a new born is someone like this.

Best of luck and congratulations on your new DD.

You should show him this thread (with a few more replies about how unreasonable MIL is being). Her behaviour is absurd, Your DD is tiny. Your DH needs to grow up and help protect you from thsi woman.

Your hubby expects you to be as close to his Mum as yours?
Seriously?
She sounds like a nutter!
Don´t let het look after your baby as she cannot be expected to take proper care and respect your wishes, IMO.

Tell hubby to grow up-you and daughter are his family now.

OMG your MIL is anu utter toxic loon. can your DH not recognise this? How frustrating for you! YANB AT ALL U. I think you need to have a serious sit down talk with DH, when you are both calm, and you need to MAKE him understand your concerns. this will just get worse until he is supporting you.

I agree with LittlePeanut-you must have the talk with DH and get his support. Any chance of you moving further away? Is your mother local? I would have both grandmothers around together and she might see that she is being OT.

Thank you everyone - I was starting to feel that I was going crazy and maybe DH and MIL were right!

Bronze:

DH swings between not defending me, and outright arguing with me about it and defending his Mum. I have never actually heard him defending me. He claims he does, but he always sneaks to his parents behind my back to talk about it. And comes back only to be on his Mother's side, calling me unreasonable etc etc.

YANBU, MIL is obviously way out of line.

Take a deep breath and lay it (gently) on the line to DH and say that this situation is unsustainable. DD needs to be with you and that's pretty much it at this stage. Jeez it's hard enough at the beginning without all this stuff.

The walking off thing is just beyond all beyonds! My dad took my DS(3.5) off to the playground the other day without actually telling me and I have to confess to missing a heartbeat or 2... You must have been practically out of your mind with worry, panic etc.

On that point alone, you have enough reason to say that all visits are on your terms, and that nothing concerning DD is to be agreed without your express permission. If that's not stuck to, then you can perhaps go stay at your mums until the rest of your family realise you are not going to negotiate.

It's not going to be easy until you get DH on your side more than he is at present, but it absolutely has to be done.

Perhaps explain to him that YOU want everyone to have access, that there is plenty of DD to go around and that everyone needs to just calm down a little.

Say that you understand and are delighted that MIL is so excited, but she is OVER-excited and that's not good for anyone.

Emphasise that while you are not banning contact, any contact you do have has to be reasonable and positive, running off with the infant when she expressly knew that it was not what you wanted, is unacceptable, and has damaged your trust in her, and unless DH backs you up, in him too.

Be polite, calm, consistent and FIRM. Your word is THE last word, until that trust is restored.

Good luck OP, horrid situation! Afraid you are going to have to dig deep and be strong.

YANBU, what a total control freak and how dare your dh not be on your side.

Sometimes men find it hard to disagree with their mothers, breaking away is a shock to their system. But he needs to think about whats best for his wife and daughter.

If I were you I'd stick to yours guns, if you give in it'll get worse.

OMG what did your DH do after the incident in the pub? That should have been the point where he stood by you and she should have been working very hard to make up for it.

Walking out with someone's 3 week old baby when expressly asked not to is completely unforgivable. I would have been in bits if that had happened to me.

Your DH needs a huge kick up the backside for not sticking up for you here. YAtotallyNBU.

Good luck.

OMG I really REALLY feel for you. I don't have anything to do with my IL's, long story, and I totally understand the stress this causes between DH and you and even more so after the birth of your LO.

Her drinking alone and total disrespect for you are in themselves reasons for your DH to support you.

I would lay it on the line to your husband, then send your LO to your mums and have it out with you MIL. Set ground rules, be firm, and if DH doesn't like it I would say this is treatening your marriage.

"Don´t let het look after your baby as she cannot be expected to take proper care and respect your wishes, IMO" totally agree.

Definitely NBU. He needs to see that his mother is at best a loon, at worst a complete psycho.
But he needs to see that. You already know it. Ask him if he feels the same about your mother as he does about his own, as this seemingly is what he wants you to do.
She gets pissed in pubs and gobs off at people. Very classy.
Grandparent have no rights over grandchildren. Maybe it's time she had that pointed out to her. Freakoid.
Be strong, and good luck.
The book you need (recommended to me on here) is Toxic Inlaws.

My Mother and a lot of my family are very local - unfortunately so are his! My family adore her, they pop in for 30 mins or so, have a cuddle, respect our need for our own time, and privacy. They never need or ask to see DD alone, or to take pics or parade around!
They obviously come round when my DH isn't here sometimes, i'm here all day on my own with DD when he's at work! And DH thinks he should be able to do the same - he actually suggested that I go out for an hour or two on a saturday or sunday so his parents can come over undisturbed. Apparently I cause an atmosphere with his mother!

If he won't talk to you I would go around on your own without DD and tell them that you need to sort things out before she gets any older. Make it plain that you want them to have a good relationship, but that she is killing it-and why. Stay calm, if you can't try a letter. (If DH can't support you then I think you should suggest Relate). If you lived further away you could ignore the problem but I think it is too serious to ignore when they are so close. It will get worse and your poor DD will have problems with it once she is old enough to understand.
I would get DH to make her take the photos off facebook.

AJ123 DON'T AGREE TO THAT! Your DH is totally disrespecting you in front of your LO.

How is your relationship with DH outside of this situation?

I am giving my advice as someone who normally sticks up for the MIL because I think that she should be the equal grandparent-however-even I would say this woman is toxic!
A woman is bound to be closer to her own mother but it doesn't follow that the DD will be closer to her maternal grandmother-they make their own bonds. I should try and get her to see that her behaviour will make DD try and avoid her when older and it will be nothing to do with you! DCs hate feeling smothered.

I would say that my relationship with him is generally good - however I almost can't remember it without the difficulties of his mother! It's terrible because it's she is the elephant in the room in our relationship, but only he can rectify that.