Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

Does MIL have any daughters of her own?

I think she sees her as a trophy, as in 'how good am I my son produced this lovely child' or 'a daughter like i always wanted'

Ultimately her behaviour is really damaging to your marriage and your sanity.

You need to sit down with DH and tell him how this is making you feel, don't get offensive about MIL but let him know how anxious you felt when she rushed her out of the house at 3 weeks (evil thing to do). Stress that if it had been your mother you would still of been anxious.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that if any parent wants to see your DD then you have to be present. Do not let him take DD alone to his parents if you are 'causing an atmosphere' You and DD are a package.

I let my MIL take my DD1 to her best friends when she was only about 6 weeks old and I was bfing. She went on the bus with her wrapped in a blanket and promised to be home before she got hungry.
Looking back I sooo wish I hadn't let her do that but I was young and felt a bit railroaded into it.

Ask her to remove the pics off facebook if it is upsetting you.

Tell DH that you do want her to be part of DD's life but as she is so young you feel overwhelmed by her visits so limit them a bit maybe once or twice a week at the most and she must ring first.

If you ask him to 'choose' between you and his Mum you will just get strife you need him to support you in this.
Try not to argue and if you start to argue tell him calmly 'I can't talk about this right now let me/us calm down for 10 minutes.

Also ask him his opinion on GP's seeing his DD? He might feel really different and from there you can make some compromises.

Wow, this woman is CRAZY !!!!!! YA definitely DNBU.

Your DH should be supporting you, regardless of the fact she is his mother. You are his wife & the mother of his child FFS !!

She has no daughters no. And I understand that it's hard for her, but it's always me who is asked to accept her behavour and make the compromise. IMO a woman who has had 3 children of her own, and is 57 years old, should be savvy enough to remember how vulnerable a new Mum feels and change her attitude, bite her tongue etc. Instead, I have the little 'oh look, it's a nanny's touch' comments - snipes that men don't catch!

Railroaded is exactly the right word.I'm quite a lot younger than DH, and it's like they think I'm still a child too. However, I wish I could point out to all of them that actually I'm the most sensible and mature of them all.

My MIL and FIL came around while DH at work, and FIL had made me lunch which was sweet. However, what was less so what that they insisted that I sit in our dining room at the table while they had the baby in the family room - this is day 10! And I felt like I couldn't do anything about it!

It seems rather odd that one of his first reactions on being told of your pregnancy was to start issuing demands about how much his mother would be involved in the baby's life. Its not something most men would be thinking of at that stage.

She sounds unhinged and a if she has no concept of what is and isn't appropriate behaviour

It sounds like your DH has been conditioned by his upbringing and she has had his whole life to set patterns for getting him to agree with her. He sounds like a bit of a mummy's boy to be honest. Its time he grew up and thought about where his priorities lie before it is too late.

I think its time they got a taste of their own medicine and you start calling the shots. Your DH has no say on where you and your DD live if you split up. They will all see a lot less of your DD if that happens.

They would all see even less of her if you decided that this toxic set up was so distressing to you that you were going to be forced to think about moving to the other side of the country...

Going back to taking the baby-what happened when she returned?

Was she told how inappropriate is was to disregard you?

Also, it´s not totally unreasonable for baby to be without you if she is with her father-but not if it is so he can take her to MIL.

HE WENT TO SAY AT HIS MUMS LAST NIGHT????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is up with him!!!!! You are being soooooooooo good about this situation. If it was me I'd go and stay at my mums until he agrees to go to Relate or address things with his mum.

i'm not sure i would want to stay married to a man who still puts his mother;s feelings above those of his wife, who does nt make you feel like an equal, who does not seem to understand your concerns.

some serious work needs to be done to keep things going, he cannot run off when things don't go his way and he cannot put his mother's feelings above yours when she is being so unreasonable

I know!
When she came back I said I wanted to leave immediately. I was fuming. I know I should probably have had it out with her, but I assumed my DH would do this on my behalf as it is his mother (wrong!)
DH has DD on his own for an hour here or there, perhaps pops to the shops if she is crying, just so the drive calms her own. However, the only other time he wants to is to take to MILs. I can't trust him to respect my wishes - i.e. i'm a bit worried that if I leave him with her, he'll run out of the house too and take her to MIL where she will be allowed to cut her hair (DD has lots and she has already expressed a wish to do so!) or take her to friends houses for hours on end. I don't think she has earned that right!

About disregarding me with taking my DD out without my permission, when I said no, she looked to my FIL and DH as though what I said didn't count, did they agree!! DH looked at me, saw my face and on his part did tell her not to. So she disregards his wishes as well! However, he did not tell her she shouldn't have done it. And when we argued about it when we got home, said he wasn't going to bring it up with her and start a fuss/upset her.

he won;t make a fuss and upset his mum, but has no qualms about you being devastated constantly by her?

his priorities are wrong

this is really les about MIL and more about his lack of backbone and commitment to you

Oh MY GOD YOU ARE ME!!!! Except DH backed me up. You need to get him onside.

YANBU. I will never understand it because I'm in the same situation.

You're not even BU to not want her to have your DD on her own or take her for walks. We often had this row. And you will be closer to your mum. This is where we are exactly the same. DH wants his mum to be as involved as mine.

Add the fact my MIL insists on smoking around DS when she is under strict instructions not to.

However, this is very important so bear with me. If you let her, she WILL ruin your relationship. You need to be the nice, lovely one to your DH and then come on here and vent, as then she will come across as the irrational one who gets on his nerves, and then she's lost him.

My MIL severly shot herself in the foot- she eventually chose her own selfishness over DS. DH's wages didn't go into his bank, as work had made an error, and she wouldn't even lend us money for a pack of nappies. She always says she's 'skint' when it comes to DS, but she always has money to go out on the piss and spoil her sister's GS. She rings up and demands to have him on certain days even though she hardly ever wants him, and when we've needed her to have him, like when I got taken into hospital, she says no. She didn't get all the attention at his christening so she kicked off and left early to go to another pub. She feeds him junk food against our wishes, and I don't mean a bit, I mean three packets of crisps and half a pack of biscuits in one morning when he's 1 year old. She's horrible to DH, hasn't even asked about this pregnanacy, and is generally a real cowbag. She won't even visit our home, which is in the next street.

This will probably happen to you too eventually.

Then she will phase out.

Just read your last post. My MIL would invite us round for tea but we had to stay in the dining room while she had DS in the living room with her husband. They actually like to pretend he's theirs, she constantly goes on about DH's ex fiance, even when I'd literally just given birth, and I too am a lot younger than DH and she sees me as a child.

IT will get better I promise, she will start thinking about herself and ignoring you and baby soon.

If she disregards your hubby, he surely can´t be happy at that.

As she walked away though, he really should have told her no, or one or both of you should have made her put baby in the pram and gone with.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied does have a good idea though, about making her show herself as she is.

But, hubby cannot let her treat you badly and she needs to know this.

I've posted about my MIL before, she's a fucking pain in the arse. I had words with her before even had any children. My DH said that nobody had ever spoken to her, like I did, before. It was easier to let her dominate, so there was no fuss . But the difference was DH has always been on my side, he has always stuck up for me. He has threw his mum out of the house and stopped her seeing the DDs for 2 years.

Your Dh has to do the same for you, you and Dd are his main priority noow.

So if you're reading this, AJ123 DH grow a pair and stick up for your wife.

Yes. Absolutely agree with Lulu.

There comes a time in the life of each and every parent when you realise that your "family" is the now one that you have made with your partner.

Which is not to mean that your "old family" ie. your parents and siblings are not loved or respected anymore but your priority is to your new family.

Your DH sounds like a lovely man, and it is to his credit that he is such a good son, and so loyal to his mother. He now needs to transfer that loyalty to your and the gorgeous little DD that you made together. I hope he reads this thread, even if it is hard for him to do so.

Your DD is only 7 weeks old. You are juggling a demanding newborn with a Dh who can't back you up and a MIL FROM HELL. If you feel you have the strength to stand up to her then do it, if not politely tell her you need to have time on your own with YOUR newborn and her visits upset you. When you feel you can trust her not to cut DD's hair or feed her junk or parade her to her friends then let her come back to the house.

I let my mil smoke in my house which i hated until my DD's 3rd bday. I asked her to pop outside as DS (7 weeks) had a cough and she threw a huge wobbler told me that she had the 'right' to smoke in my house and I should take DS out of the room if it was that bad. I stood my ground and she stormed off with my dp fuming about my rudeness.
That was 10 years ago and she has been to my house about 4 times since. We have never had a huge fallout over it she just choose to stay away.

YANBU agree with what you are going to do as MMELindt suggested about letting your dh read this thread, he needs to understand how much this is upsetting you and how badly she is behaving towards you. I really hope he understands and puts you and dd first.
Can I ask one thing why did she buy a crib? I can sort of understand the pram just incase you were needing a break but then again no she actually sounds barking mad.
As a new mother you want to spend as much time enjoying your new baby as you can, they are def not little for long, and she has had her babies and should understand its your turn to be parents now.

That's ironic isn't it, that he said to you "awwww you'd end up straight back at your mother's", and where exactly has he gone scampering off to??? (even if they are in the caravan)
Pots and kettles...
Do not let this woman ruin your first weeks with your daughter..when I look back at how bloody terrified I was that I'd be at home with my newborn and she'd come round unexpectedly I could slap myself.
Do you know when he's coming back?

ellielou02 - I dont know why she has the crib! Even when I was pregnant she would talk about taking DD caravaning at weekends.

She was sent a pic by text of DD in an outfit she'd bought on a day that we'd declined an invitation to dinner, DD was 2 weeks and they'd been round for 5 solid hours the previous day. The text that came back was 'I would have preferred to see her for myself.'

Bucharest - I don't know when he's back. Or even if. I don't want to split over his mother, but really as several people have pointed out, it's him who could have stopped the situation from spiralling out of control like this.

Unfortunately DH never seems to think that it's worth upsetting anyone else, regardless of my feelings! The horrible woman who was telling people I was pregnant before I had told my family, was the mother of his Ex, he was still close to her (?!). Anyway, I asked her not to tell anyone else, and that she'd had no right to, upon which she suggested that the baby was probably not even my DH's!!! He actually APOLOGISED for MY behaviour to her. Unbelievable.

It's a bit of DH bashing at the moment, but he does have lots of good points. He's missing the loyalty gene though!

Wat may also give you a laugh before Strictly or X Factor (!) is the fact that my FIL's mother has also stuck her nose in! She is on Facebook (at 87!) and posted on my wall that she didn't like my daughter's middle name, that it didn't fit - rude enough! However, I answered her calmly and politely and said that it was a shame but not everyone has the same taste, that the middle name was my mother's and it meant a lot to me. Her reply was: 'I knew you Mother would come into it. Your DH has a mother too you know.'

Bloody hell!

Didn't you say that your MIL pushed her MIL out when your DH was born?

If only you could see what your extended family would be like in the future eh!!

If you and your partner did seperate (not that thats what you want) I'm just wondering in terms of access, how you would control the input from his mother???? Sorry not a nice issue to bring up......

OMG what a nutter. You have my sympathies, OP. My MIL is a loon too. The first time I met her, she told me about how much her MIL hated her, and then proceeded to treat me with total disdain. She once called me a "pig ignorant peasant" in a restaurant car-park because I'd had the audacity to object to a loud and racist comment FIL had made in the (v crowded) restaurant we had taken them to. DH and I spent a LOT of time having hideous arguments about this because he didn't stick up for me at that point, or afterwards, when she shut me in my own bedroom (with her) and wouldn't let me out til I picked up the phone to call the police. Whilst it was horrendous at the time, DH and I did sort it out evetually. The main problem (and I'm not excusing his behaviour, or that of your DH, just trying to slant it differently) was that he had problems sorting out where his loyalties were - we'd not been married long, and he was yet to get over the massive life change that can be for men (in particular) He had spent his whole life til that point being made to pussy-foot around his mother, being told not to upset her and so on, and found that behaviour very difficult to shake off. Coupled with that were a) that weird weird "mother and son" relationship that SO many men seem to have, and b) taking the path of least resistance - ie knowing that his mother was (and is) the master of emotional blackmail, whereas I am far more logical and reasonable, and therefore choosing (however subconcsiously) to support her rather than me, knowing that he was more likely to be able to discuss things with me at a later date, whilst his mother would veer off in to a month or so of torrid weeping phone-calls, threats to do something drastic, involve the entire family etc etc.

None of that excuses his behaviour (back to OP) but I wonder if some of it is similar? I do think that men have more problems adjusting to major life changes (marriage, birth of first child) than women, and really do think that a lot of men have an odd relationship with their mothers.

OP, your DH needs to do what mine did - realise that YOU are his priority now. He shouldn't necessarily tell his mother to fuck off, and I don't think an "it's me or her" ultimatum is helpful. What did it for us in the end was persuading him that he came to that decision himself - a bit of distance from his parents after the event helped, as did me spending a bit of time (day time - I didn't "leave" as such) without me to think about what the consequence of his behaviour can be. I am lucky that our thing happened before we decided to start a family, but have no doubt in my mind that the news of pregnancy/birth of a child would have been the catalyst if the whole engagement/wedding hadn't kicked it off when it did (sorry - that makes no sense. The restaurant incident was the result of a lot of interference and negativity about our wedding) If I were you, I would calmly suggest that your DH takes time out from his family for a short while (no contact - no phone calls/Facebook conversations/ texts - but just for a bit) to help him get perspective. Try to spend really good family (ie you, him and baby) time together during that time, without discussing the issue, and without seeing your family either, so he can really learn and understand what he would be giving up if he refuses to budge on this.

Good luck! Sorry to have put such a long ramble of a post up.

Debs75 - Yep she's defending the same woman who wouldn't let her see her own GS.

By tryingtobemarypoppins Sat 19-Sep-09 18:50:59 Add a message | Report post |
If you and your partner did seperate (not that thats what you want) I'm just wondering in terms of access, how you would control the input from his mother???? Sorry not a nice issue to bring up......

I know, I have thought about it. I hope it doesn't come to that, but what could I actually do. I would never stop my DH from seeing his DD. What would you suggest I did? I know I would be in pieces thinking what she was up to with my DD when I wasn't there - she'd be in here element!

AJ123 I really don't know - I was hoping someone on this thread would! I guess you could have some sort of legal agreement drawn up????

op I went through almost exactly the same with my dp. When it comes down to it they like a easy life which is why he doesn't want to argue with his mum and will hopefully back down.

However if it comes down to it and shared access is agreed he is unlikely to want to lose what precious time he has dd by sharing with his mum. Also this kind of women is probably only competing with you for alpha female and would not see her son as a threat and would then lose desire to see your dd alone as she has won in her eyes. Also your dh is hers so it is okay.

I really hope your dh sees sense and realises just how special you are and how lucky he is to have you and dd. If it helps my dp is now reformed and after seeing many of the dangerous things his mam does he wont let her look after ds who is now 3.