Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

Stop answering the doors in the day when they come round. Keep the doors locked or latched from the inside if they have keys and if they mention it later or DH does, just say you were napping with DD. Stop them coming around when you are alone, they are railroading you, two against one.

I agree that your issues are with your DH though. If your in-laws are a problem, with a supportive DH you can sort it out, but he is causing problems. His reaction to finding out you were pregnant indicates that she had been talking in his ear about what would happen if you did have children and how your mother would get more face time with the baby.

You need to sit down with your DH and make him see what is going on.

She sounds like an absolute loon.

I think she sounds mentally unstable. Hope all goes ok for you. x

You poor thing! You can totally do without all this extra stress when you are probably feeling hormonal and sleep deprived with a tiny baby.
Your MIL sounds horrible. Your DH needs to grow up v fast!
You don't sounds unreasonable at all. Have you tried getting support from your own family/ friends?

If she threatens to cut your dd's hair again, point out that should she do so, you'll take it to mean that you can cut her hair too... and point out that it is the end of her access to your dd under any circumstances.

Have you asked her about her relationship with her MIL and why you shouldn't follow her example?

they are all bullying you - figure out a few simple phrases and practise saying them in your head in situations to them, then think of the positive feelings you get from standing up to them. Just things like 'stop bullying me, it's not nice' or 'if you're going to behave like a bully then dd and I will go straight away, goodbye' or 'you do not love or respect dd and I will not leave her alone with you' (if they are trying to make you sit in a different room for example). Or whatever it is that you feel will work for you in the situations.

And then, if (or rather, when!) they are horrible, say your thing and then go/repeat it as often as necessary. Your dh should start to see how frequent upsetting his mum's behaviour is, you will have a prop that you can pull out whenever the situation gets bad.

The first few times it will be horrible to say, it is something you will really have to steel yourself to do, so promise yourself a treat once you have done it the first time. And once you have done it 5 times and 10 times. You might even start willing her to be rotten so you get to your treat that bit quicker

There are a couple of good granny handbooks out there - I haven't read any, I don't know if anyone on MN has and could recommend one that you could give her to show her what a real granny is like?

good luck!

Agree with PfftTheMagicDragon, don't let the buggers in when you're at home on your own. Your home, your daughter - you call the shots. I think you've given your dh long enough chances to support you so you need to tackle this on your own. Don't let them treat you like this any longer - they might be your dh's parents but you don't have to have anything to do with them, and as the baby's mother you decide on her behalf too.

best of luck

Not letting them in is only a short term answer. The serious problem-that needs sorting-is DH. He needs to stand up to them and set boundries.

totally agree with other comments. one thing i would say though is that OP DH has probably been manipulated by this woman his whole life and it is undoubtedly extremely hard for him to even find the way to sort this out. sounds like he/siblings/fil have always done anything for a quiet life.

could you adopt a strategy with DH of what are we going to do about this situation. point out the obvious-you are closer to your mum and always will be. what would be enough to keep mil happy, what are you prepared to compromise- ie draw up a joint strategy? and then stick to it.

How are you feeling today AJ?

To go back to the hypothetical access thing- should you split...her access would in all probability be severely limited simply by the almost certain outcome that you would get custody, and he would get dd on w/es or whatever...And yes, she probably would try and poison your daughter against you, but so long as you keep the moral high ground (which you have every bloody right to be on, FFS this woman wants certifying) your daughter will never believe any of the trash these people come out with.

For now, your husband has to come round to seeing that this woman is a bully. If you have to threaten her with legal action to stop her (effectively) abducting your child (use that term with them as well, might put the heebs up them a bit) then so be it.

For now, enjoy your daughter. I repeat what I said yesterday, do not let these fuckwits spoil your first weeks with her.

And MNers will always be around to listen.

I spoke to DH last night - I told him that I had posted on this site and read out some of the replies. He just seemed to think that I would have exaggerated the situation (I haven't) and as always defended his mother.

The thing is, he admitted that she behaves badly, doesn't respect me, even agrees that she didn't like me from day one. However, he continually excuses these things. He actually said last night 'that is just my mum, that's the way she will always be'- he even said I would have to give her a few years to learn!!! If he can't even support me in words, let alone actions, I don't see much hope here.

He seems to think that I want him to chastise his mother in front of me. I told him that I wanted to be included in conversations about DD, visitation, arrangements etc, rather than ILs and DH taking it upon themselves to organise/discuss my supposed unreasonableness!!!

It's always hard to make men see when a woman is intentionally being a bitch - especially when it's their mother...and as someone else pointed out on here, trying to make her bad points apparent only makes me sound like a bitch myself! I really am at my wits end.

In the end DH isn't treating me with respect any more than MIL is. Which is much more hurtful. I told him that if he was sure that MIL was always going to do things wrong, then she was never going to see DD because that's not acceptable.

I really tried to make him see that it was less about MIL and more about his inability to stand up for me/DD. I feel we are going round in circles!

And I pointed out that if he always goes behind my back to talk to them (he snuck round after work the other day, and tried to pretend that he hadn't been, he could go round as often as he liked and it wouldn't bother me if I didn't know that she's asked him over to chew his ear off about seeing DD on her terms!) we are never going to be seen as a team or a family unit. He is undermining me in front of his mother. Although he may say 'Mum, you can't take DD caravaning with you' he will also say 'that is DW decision, not mine though, sorry'...

I can't tell you how helpful you have all been though - really. It's nice to know there are people out there without bias who are willing to give their view!

My DH tries to convince me that MIL is just over-excited, in love with DD etc, hence the photos, needing to show her to friends etc. But am I wrong in saying that if she was so in love with DD, and not about being the centre of attention in her village/town etc, then she would accept the access arrangements I asked, just to see her. Instead, she has now missed over half of DD's life.

As I said, this is because after she left house with DD without permission, and I said that I was no longer seeing her alone etc. Of course I can't go long enough without seeing MIL, BUT all she does is villify me with DH/rest of family, and make out like I'm not letting her see DD! She also turns on the tears with DH. I thought once a week, with the whole family about was actually generous and more than a lot of GPs get due to distance etc etc.

But as we've said, it's about making DH see. The only thing I can think now is that time may make him see. And tbh if it doesn't - well I've got to think that I deserve to be treated better than this.

have you ever really had it out with her yourself? tbh if she'd have said that to my brother, i would have ignored her from then on in.

How old is she? Any chance she will be too old and frail any time soon to bother you?

Would your DH consider Relate or similar?

IME it really helps stop the going around in circles thing. He won't listen to you, or to your friends and family. He won't spontaneously start treating you with respect.

I would insist on Relate, or split and move far away.

Roffling at Puff- I keep thinking that about mine, but despite various health scares I swear she's discovered (and is mainlining) an immortality elixir.....

AJ- at least dh is admitting she's a nutter, (sort of) so maybe there is some hope....As I said yesterday, you can refuse to see her yourself, as I did. Dh would then take dd to see her, you wouldn't like it, not at first, (been there, done that) but actually, as they get older, you start to almost look forward to that day off! (dp is at the auld bat's with dd today)
But he does have to be on your side, he does have to respect you, and he has to support you against her behaviour.

I really hope he reads this, (and I hope his mother does too and it makes her cry)

No, DH never gives me the chance to have it out with her, he and FIL always want to be around because they know she's likely to flip unless they mediate!

Unfortunately only 57

Something needs to give - if he won't consider relate, then he's not giving us a chance.

The thought of MIL having Dd with DH is unbearable!! I'd considr it down the line BUT i can't trust DH to respect things i don't want i.e. her leaving with DD for hours on end while he watches football with FIL!! I just wonder why she wants me out of the way all the time and can only assume it's because she wants be allowed her own way with DD. I hate it because I end up sounding like DD is posession, and I truly don't see it like that, or like one over on MIL. I love my little girl, and don't want her in the care of someone so poisonous!! It's one of those things - if she wasn't MIL i would insist that someone like her came nowhere near my DD ( I won't go into the rest of fer flaws that aren't related to DD!!)

The main problem seems to be with you and your DH. He doesn't sound very supportive of you.

Morning AJ doesnt sound like things have moved forward much for you, was hoping for you having spent the night away he would have had time to think and see things from your side. Does your FIL work? Can you drop DD off at your parents during the week and go and have it out with her then? Dont know if this would help.
Maybe once the novelty wears off things will calm down abit but that still doesnt solve the problem. I wish I had something more constructive to say.

I am usually the one to champion M-i-l or mum but in your case you are definitely NBU at all.She sounds a horrible controlling woman.Your baby is too young to be away from you for long and I cant imagine this woman being content with a short visit.Insist she comes to you if she wants a relationship with her grandchild she will understand that this is in the baby's best interests.Good Luck.

That might be "just the way she is" doesn´t mean it has to be tolerated, though!

And she´s the way she is because she´s allowed to be.

I think the other problem is that if your hubby went to see MIL, with your daughter he can´t be trusted to tell his mum no.

She sounds a nutcase and it´s a shame she can´t be prevented from having access for the moment.

I just have visions of a wild hair woman rushing out with a pratically newborn in her arms FFS

And wielding hair scissors at every opportunity.

Hi AJ, I have read this thread with absolute horror! You must NEVER consider yourself unreasonable in dealing with this matriarch, do not allow yourself to be browbeaten into thinking you may be. Her behaviour is beyond the pale, and sounds as if it always has been, even before you were pregnant.

I agree with many of the others, that the main problem you face is your DH. He agrees her behaviour is wrong, but sees no reason for her to change, instead preferring you to put up and shut up. Yes she has conditioned him over decades to behave in this way, but he is an adult and needs to be less spineless. When you are unmarried your parents are your next-of-kin; on marriage the law recognises your spouse as your next-of-kin. And that is what also happens inside most people's heads - their spouse replaces their parents. The parents are still 'next in line', until they are further pushed down the 'hierarchy' with the arrival of children. Your DH is not doing that, he is still placing them above you, and now your/his DD. He has to be made to realise that this is wrong and it is down to him to change.

I cannot believe that you are having to deal with this when your DD is a mere 7 WEEKS in age. And your H's comments on being told you are pregnant re MiL having access - wtf? How would that even occur to him at such a time? You said you are younger than him - by how much? I ask because this whole family's treatment of you smacks of not seeing you as a person in your own right at all, it's as if your sole function in the family is to bear children for the pleasure of others but not your own. You are his WIFE, not his mothers f*cking handmaiden!! And your DD does not sound as if she is being treated as a granddaughter either but, as you have said, a trophy. Which again reduces you to a walking womb.

Do not give an inch. Do not compromise with MiL/DH. Get him to agree to attend Relate sessions - he sounds as if he will not listen to anyone personally involved in this scenario except his mother (a worring enough trait in any man) so the views of an objective third party might carry some weight. And don't allow PiLs to visit you alone. If you can't relax in your own home, where can you?

for you.

Even if you do split up over this, I believe you are not obliged to allow your DH overnight visits with DD until she is 12 months old (due to breastfeeding).

I remember my DH taking our 3-week-old DS on a visit to a friend's without me, and it was getting later and later. I completely freaked out and had to go out to meet them half way back so I could feed DS.

If it had been someone else taking him off like that, I would have totally lost the plot.

YANBU

Your MIL seems to think she is DD's mother. You need to repeat over and over, I am DD's mother, not you. I decide what happens to her.

Tell DH that at this stage of your DD's life, it is not possible to have everything equal. It is you who has just carried her around for nine months, it is you who is still recovering from the birth, it is you who is battling all the hormonal changes and it is you who is breastfeeding.

This, I am afraid, adds up to a different relationship with your DD. When she is older, it will be much more equal between you. But he is putting way too much pressure on you just now.

AJ
so sorry to hear that your talk with your DH did not have a better outcome.

One thing that strikes me is that he is using you as a scapegoat when he turns down an invitation or suggestion that you have jointly decided to turn down.

He is then the poor boy, with the nagging unreasonable wife. No wonder his mother does not like you, he is making you look bad.

He needs to grow up and state clearly that you are his wife and together you have decided...

Not "Poor me, I would love to, but DW wont agree to it".

AJ, I've been in your shoes, from the often talking about DH's ex when we first got together, to the always wanting to be a Grandmother, announcing when I was pregnant that she'd be childminding DS, and the inappropriate and frankly wierd obsession with taking my DS - like you, it wasn't enough to just come see him, she had to have him all to herself. DS1 was the first grandchild too. One day always sticks in my head - I had baby DS1 out for a walk in his pram, when I met her in the street, and she tried to shove me out of the way to grab the pram, insisting she would take him for a few hours! I said no, and this was just another reason for her to talk about me, how selfish, obsessive and insecure I was.

My DH thought I was over reacting...it's just the way she is. Like you too, we had TERRIBLE rows. Looking back I think I had mild PND, which made the whole thing worse, though I do blame the depression partly on MIL.

It all came to a head with us when DS1 was ill and had to be hospitalised. She freaked, and said some truly vile things - from total lies, like he was ill because I was too lazy to get up in the night to feed him, to silly things like I wasn't giving him enough water (wtf?) It all came to a head, because DH's brothers and SILs told us what was being said. As others have pointed out, many families tiptoe round a very difficult relative, and this was what had happened for years in DH's family (very timid FIL too...poor bugger!)

DH did have it out with her, and we didn't speak to her for about a year. I was elated at the time. It really was a massive relief to not have to lock the front door when DH was at work.

But, I'm now going to say something different to what most other posters are saying. Yes, she's a nutter, but have you considered stopping fighting against her, and letting her into your life a little bit? My own mother was very aware of not overstepping boundaries with me and DS1, but MIL just wasn't.

The more I fought against her, the more she fought to have DS to herself. Like he was a little prize to be won. But, looking back, maybe I was being a bit unreasonable too? (hormones, pfb, and she's so unlike my own mother, I just couldn't see her point of view)

I'm not saying give into her demands 100%, your DD is your first baby, and you and DH are the most important people in her young life. MIL can buy all the prams/cribs/do all the showing off about look at my fab GC, but you're her mother, she will ALWAYS love you best. But maybe try to include MIL sometimes - ask her advice - you don't have to take it! Talk about how great it will be when DD is older and can go for trips with them in the caravan, how helpful she'll be when DD is at nursery, and can pick her up when you're at work. (see, you will have her to yourself, but not just now, cause she's my teeny tiny baby!) Or, you could invite her and FIL round for dinner once a week (when DH is there too), and let her feed/nurse the baby/give her her bath when you're making the meal. And, would it be the end of the world if you let them babysit her for a few hours while you get your hair done/go for a meal with DH etc. Be sure to do these things on YOUR terms - don't feel pressured into anything, but maybe just try to let go a little bit, they're your DD's family.

Please don't think I'm saying you're to blame for what's happened, and you don't have to take any of this on board, but it's just my own experience, I don't post here very often, but having read your post last night, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!