Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

I truly feel your pain, my Monster-in-law is very similar. I am lucky to have a DH who sticks up for me and that keeps her at bay a bit, mind you I turned up on DDs 1st day of school to find her waiting for us in the playground!!!

The main issue is not how she is, its how your partner is behaving towards you. It is hard enough with a young baby without being undermined.

He seriously needs to change his attitude and start respecting you.

Hope your doing ok today AJ x

YANBU

Poor you. DH is being very short-sighted. I do think that a lot of men have trouble understanding that fatherhood means they have to be men first rather than dutiful sons. I had a traumatic delivery and felt very let down by DH. PILs came round for lunch when ds was only 36 hours old. I was having a shower whilst they were enjoying their first gs. DH tried to put ds moses next to his mother during lunch (away from me). I know that he was trying to please her but I was so upset with him re total lack of support during labour, unwanted PIL presence (I actually felt that they had 'contaminated' ds) and so pissed off with the PILs that our relationship suffered. I think I could have had a less dysfunctional relationship with PILs if I had sucked up their behaviour. Unfortunately I just couldn't tolerate it - result, grotty stalemate.

Could your father have a manly type chat with DH to help him to understand that you need lots of love and support as you (not MIL) are postnatal and have just undergone a massive lifechanging event? Another man might be able to break this ridiculous cycle that you have got into. It seems like he is struggling to understand his new role as DH and father - sorry if you think I am being presumptious. Good luck.

oh goodness, she sounds utterly awful, your baby is TINY, there'll be years to come with plenty of time for dd to spend time with her gps's now she needs to be with her mum and dad.
I didn't leave my dd alone with mil until she was 1

Agree with AvrilH. Your DH has been effectively brainwashed by her, but that;s not your problem. He needs a chance to fully understand your side of things and then make his choices. Does he realise how big a deal this is to you - that you're actually considering splitting over it? Sounds as though his mum has always been like this and everyone has fallen into line, and in his opinion you will too, eventually.
Also agree with everyone who said please try to enjoy your baby, don't let this ruin your memories of her first few weeks. SHe is so tiny, only really needs you for anything and it would be awful if this woman ruined that.
I came on to have a rant about my MIL - think I won't bother after all!

YANBU at all.

I suspect that people around you MIL have taken the path of least resistance and given in to her a lot. Some men do that. And just don't want to deal with emotions so give in to the most powerful person cos it will give them the easiest life.

With some people, there is nothing you can do to change their behaviour. But you can change how you and OH handle it. Is there any chance you can get FIL on side? Say you will never stop them seeing DD but are very emotional post birth (throw in women's things that some men of his generation are afraid of. If you feel like crying, don't hold back- they need to see how upset you are). I agree that you and OH need some time and space on your own with DD to enjoy her. I hope he steps up and sees that you are his family now.

You are doing exactly what you should be doing- protecting your baby and bonding with her so she grows up to be a happy contented wee thing. Keep at it and it'll be obvious to all around you.

Good luck.

I do agree with not "fighting" with MIL for the sake.

But she is making too many unreasonable demands.
She should not be demanding, she should be asking and sucking it up if she is told no!

I think the unreasonableness is shown by trying to set ground rules before you gave birth??!!

I mean, seriously??!!

And that hubby thought it was OK to pass these demands on.

They are both the problem and neither are thinking of you and your daughter.

Also, I wouldn´t promise her that ther will be a time when she will have your daughter to herself.

It never has to happen if you don´t want it to.

Morning Everyone - loads more food for thought on here, so thanks.

I did try to appease MIL at first (God knows why!). I tried to make her feel involved. Asked her if she'd mind/like to burp DD after I'd BF upstairs - I know it's a little thing, but thought she'd want to. I did talk about when she was older, saying that there may be something special that she only did with Grandma X - say the park, or a saturday morning swim - so she could feel that there'd be a time when she'd be more involved. I really didn't feel inclined to do any of it yet, but thought that over time I'd learn to trust her, and there may be a day when DD would want to see her, and ask to go over.

Anyway, despite letting her in on things, letting her listen to heart monitor before DD was born etc, nothing seems enough. She's never happy with the options she's given. So I suppose I feel that now, it is on my terms or no terms until such time when I think I trust her enough with my DD...

DH came over yesterday afternoon/evening to see DD (I think that he expected me to also let him back home) We did end up talking about MIL - of course! - although I let him bring it up, as I think the time has come for him to see for himself. In his words he had a go at her - something he mistakenly seems to think I want to here. Just that he had laid out the ground rules would be enough, no angriness needs to be involved.

Anyway, his Mother turned on the tears which is not surprising - it's her party trick with her boys. Said she couldn't understand why she couldn't do X Y Z. She only wanted to be a grandmother. (which I think you can be without issuing the demands that she has.

What is essentially the worst part though, is that she said to DH I had told her that I was moving to Scotland (I live in the SW so a considerable distance!!) with my Mother, DD to be near my Gran! Now these words never left my mouth! Not in a million years. She said that she knew I was telling her to wind her up, but that she let it go over her head.

I have pointed out to DH that this is obviously a lie - why would I announce this to her before I told him, why indeed give her ammunition against me re my behaviour when she makes things bad enough without any!

DH does see this - he said he will be mortified IF she's lied. What does he mean if? I mean, I understand that most people are inclined to believe that their mothers will tell the the truth - but it is merely my word against hers....

Anyway, we did make some progress. He admitted he had been wrong to even think DD was old enough to take away from me - that he hadn't thought about the time I needed to bond with her etc etc. I did tell him that I still needed some space though. And on the flip side, I think spending some more time getting re-acquainted with his Mother may do him some good! We can see what other gems she comes out with....

Oh, and to make a point about MIL and her general personality, when you mention most people in the town and the surrounding areas to her, the response is 'i don't talk to them'. She has made a career or falling out with people. Including her own sister. And I point out to my DH when he asks me to 'make more effort to patch things up' that she's obviously not the easiest woman to get on with!

AJ also having just had dc2 and a similar time to you after my first ds this time I was ready and instead of doing it tough if I was feeling weak I cried and just generally let dp help and know how much I needed his support it actually made so much difference on ds he refused to argue with his mum. But when she was causing problems at the hospital he actually told her if she could not behave she would not get to see the baby and has been telling her since this time. All he needed was to realise that I was weak and hey presto all his protective male instincts came out and MIL is no longer a problem.

My advice is to try letting him see how upset you are by this instead of arguing because I think by arguing he might then believe you are strong and can deal with mil demands.

Well done on standing your ground!

In a way your MIL has shot herself in the foot with her insinuations about Scotland. It has made it clear to all involved that, actually , you are in the more powerful position. You could do that at some point in the future, if you wanted to. Ideally with your DH!

Contrary to other posters, I don't think you should ever have anything out with this woman on her own. She is a proven liar. And clearly not a decent or even reasonable human being.

Did you ask your DH if he would consider marriage counselling? Do you think MIL will start to wind him up as he is stuck staying with her, or will it be more comfortable for him there, having no need to do his duty as father to a newborn?

I have to say for DH, he adores DD. Although some of his actions have been WAY out of line, he would do anything for her, and indeed me in terms of helping with the workload (just not the emotionally aupportive bit!)

I think that DH and I established that we have gone wrong somewhere along the line! I know he loves me, very much, and I know it devestates him to think that we may not be together, not only because of DD. However, I now see with the Scotland comment, that she is more poisonous than I thought. That seeping into your relationship, is never good. Some time without either family may do us good. He didn't completely object about the idea of Relate. Like most men, i think the idea of talking to a stranger about your relationship is a bit alien to him, I think he will come round.

We can see the flaws - the main one being his priorities! But I don't know how this can be fixed? I mean I know Relate will help but do any of you have any ideas on how I can rebuild the TRUST with DH? i.e. how I can stop thinking that when he goes to MIL without me, that he will be talking about me, which seems to have been the habit up until now? I don't want to sabotage their relationship, nor do I want to turn the tables and be the one issuing demands.

He has expressed that he IS sorry, and does seem to understand where I've been coming from. What's the next step?!

Oh, AJ, she is channelling my MIL! I had the same thing- when I was 7mths pg and coming back to the UK for 2 mths lucrative work, she told dp I wasn't coming back, that that was the last time they were going to see me.
Mentalist. And the crocodile tears, I can see her now...."all I want to do is be a grandmaaaaaaaa, sniffle, hic" Then be a fvcking grandma and not a psycho-kidnapping-loon merchant you old witch. Pah.

In answer to your question, I think the next step has to be that he accepts what his priorities are, and works on them. His priorities must be his daughter, and you, and then, only then, his mother. Anything else, is actually a little bit weird and oedipal. Of course his mother, warts and all, will always be important to him, but he has a child now and you. If the two of you aren't more of a priority then you need to cut your losses and get out now.

It may be the best thing for your relationship, that your DH is staying with your MIL for a while. The longer he is in her company, the more he will see her as she really is. She has already been caught out lying about you moving to Scotland. It won't be the only time she says things like that and it may open his eyes to her.

Don't be too upset that he said "if she is lying". It must be very hard for him to realise that his mother is so controllign that she would risk his marriage failing to get her own way.

I think that Relate would be a good idea, if he will go. He needs to see his family from an outsiders point of view, to see how horribly his mother's behaviour is.

YANBU - i'd pak a bag and go and stay with your parents for a few weeks if i were you. Your MIL and DH are appalling.

Blimey - sorry only just caught up to later events and sounds like things have moved ahead from first post - think you are handling it brilliantly - what a stress though with your first child - congrats to you and hope it gets sorted soon.

Bucharest - why do these women do it?! I don't have a son, not yet, but if one day I do, and he gets married and has children and is HAPPY - I wouldn't try to jeapordise that. I just hope it's not inevitable that you turn bitter and twisted! He also got the 'I haven't even seen GD with eyes open yet' and who's fault is that?! You won't come to our home, to see us so it's your own doing!

I think she has done me a huge favour with her silly lie - although I do wonder what other things she's been telling him on the sly!

I do thinking stepping back and being more vulnerable should also help him see - however you'd think that having just given birth would have been vulnerable enough 7 weeks ago!

On the positive, without the arguing with DH, or atmosphere, or tensing up about MIL coming over, I've had a lovely time with DD - of course she's just learnt to smile, it's even more rewarding!

What a weird thing to tell him. I think it was done to put doubt in you dh's mind that you are turning away from him.
She obviously feels pushed out and doesn't care who knows it.
More worringly she feels she has ruined her chances of building a relationship with your dd that she is trying to break your marriage up
you are doing the right things tho and I am really glad you got to see you dd's first smile by yourself.

the advice about asking you dad to have a word is a good idea. He could go along the lines of 'when my partner/wife had her first child she was so hormonal she wouldn't let even me touch the baby' or 'she was so stressed out from the birth we let her come to terms with it in her own way and everyone backed off a bit.' It doesn't have to be your dad it could be a brother or friend of your dh's

Lord knows AJ- I think as Debs says, it is to sow seeds of doubt in his mind, about your feelings for him, in the hope (possibly) that he is proactive and dumps you returning to the umbilical cord....

Mine was caught out so many times that eventually I had the whole family (dp has 5 sibs) on my side apart from one who, when MIL says "jump" says "how high?".) When I was in labour (with her by my side, lovely) she told the anaesthetist that dp had always been a nightmare, had always let her down (most recently by being with me lol) and when he was 14 she sent him away to boarding school (used here in Italy mainly for parents who can't cope with wayward kids) All complete bollocks.

(sorry to keep butting in with my anecdotes, just want to assure you you aren't alone going through this sort of shite!)x

Perhaps you should read This book. As Ailla would sugest.

Hopefully she´s shown her true colours with the Scotland thing.

Bit about hubby saying if she´s lying.

Sounds as if things are moving in the right direction, though.

My God... she's a complete loon. I think you have been more than patient with her and 'D'H.

All of this has been said far more eloquently, but your husband needs to realise that his priorities are with the two of you. Why did he marry you in the first place if he was going t prioritise his own mother over you?

If it was me, I'd have to question whether I could continue to be with a man who had so utterly betrayed me by his lack of loyalty.

Good luck.

YANBU. She doesn't sound a very nice person, and your DH sounds immature for not standing with you.

I have had a lot of probs with my MIL. DH thought that she was jealous of me, which is daft, because she can't be his wife & I can't be his mother. So we have learned to rub along. But this woman sounds thick and lacking in common sense.

You sound as if you are being reasonable. Decide the limits and stick to them. Repeat over & over if necessary "Yes, you can see her for half an hour but I'm busy afer that" or whatever, and make sure you keep in control.

Good luck!

my mil tried to be the perfect grandparent,she loves her grandchild but she got freaky within 6mths of her being born,ie told us if the rest of the family didnt back off from her grandchild she would run away with her then nobody would see her,this was repeated over the next year atleast twice more. needless to say we have stopped all contact as there were lots of other issues i think what is happening is the title grandparent doesnt always mean that these people would act like a granparent ought to as they are such selfish or damaged people they havent a clue what the right thing to do is! luckily for me my husband was the driving force for stopping contact as she also tried the next thing in splitting us up because she thought she would get more say with her grandchild if i was out the picture, afraid that backfired for her and was the final nail in her coffin,we are and hopefully always will be rock solid,l.o.l 2 u x

Hi AJ123
Just wanted to say that I read through your thread yesterday and have been thinking about it all day today. I can't bear it for you. She sounds like an utter nightmare. I would have been practically calling the police had even my very nice MIL run off with my baby. You are so so so not being unreasonable. In fact I cannot believe how reasonable, collected and articulate you have been on this thread given a) the fact that you have a newborn b) the MIL you have been landed with.
Find the inner lioness that comes with being a mother and roar if you have to. This may be the wrong thing to say and conflicts with what some others have written but I don't think I would worry about any damage you do to your relationship with her and it will force your DH to really think things through

Toppy

I´m glad you mentioned the police.
I´d have been running after her shouting "stop that kidnapper"