Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

You know, the only way through this is via your DH. He has to tell her, nicely but firmly, that her behaviour has crossed a line and that, in order for her to get something apporaching the relationship she clearly wants with her GD, she has to back off and give you some space. He needs to tell her that some (OK, OK, we know it's more than that) of what she has said and done has hurt you very much and that she needs to build some bridges. And then he needs to counter all her "but she said... she did....." nonsense with "maybe, but we need to move forward now" and STICK TO HIS GUNS.

If he can't or won't do this, then I can only see that you're stuffed. I'm afraid.

AJ123 - Lots of sympathy, the woman is a loon

I remember from my lurking days here (so a few years ago) threads by a poster - Thishasupsetme who was having a similar problem with a mother in law who was effectively trying to 'steal' her daughter - and the strategies she used were very good, very controlled and actually allowed her husband to see what his mother was doing and break through some of her games and conditioning
will post a link - its long reading, but might give you some ideas
link and theres a second one somewhere too...
Hope THUM is out there on mumsnet somewhere

toppy's advice is very good

this woman has crossed the line

once you've started fighting back there's some kind of script they follow (without knowing) -- tears to the husband, a visit to the doctor, some mysterious and vague ailment discovered, silent attempt at martyrdom

how you have the strength to face this with a seven week old I don't know

you should keep coming back on mn for a top up

don't doubt yourself mdear

You poor thing.

I agree with Toppy there comes a point when you actually have to stand up for yourself (and your child), particularly if your DH is rubbish at it.

I hope you manage to find some kind of solution.

Oh dear! Well I'm at work today (I started back 2 days a week as of last week - I have mother's guilt at leaving DD on top of everything else, but it's unfortunately the way it had to happen - mother looking after DD - another cause for argument! At least I can walk back at lunch time to see DD )

If anything, things seem to be worse - my FIL is now claiming he heard me say the same thing re Scotland . I'm astounded. This is a lie. But I'm too tired to fight my corner with DH - I dont' really feel I should have to. DH is feeling very sorry for himself now - and is more contrite than anything. I give up!

I don't think they realise that the more the three of them sit around a table working out ways of getting rid of me to spend time with DD, the less they will see her and the energy spent on it could be spent on rectifying the situation.

DH is not back to not understanding why he can't take DD to MIL on own. It's just an endless circle. I've ended all conversation with him about it. I really question his commitment to me! I feel that I am giving too much of my time away to this situation, when I should be spending it on DD. I didn't want to come back to work which is another story entirely - but I don't need that stress too!

Just a good job I've got such a supportive family myself, and I have MN here to make me feel better!!

Thing is - as much as I dislike MIL - I know that this whole situation says much more about our relationship than anything else.

I'm so . But I don't want to be with a man who treats me with no respect. As I said, he does have his good points, but his jealousy over my family is ridiculous.

During the conversation last night he also told me he thought I was suffering from PND hence the reason I was acting like this, and that his mother had more right than mine because 'it's her first GC, and your mother already has 3 grandsons, my mother's much more excited..'

He's off his rocker. These have all been fed from MIL of course. Well I'm assuming.

Oh AJ sending lots of hugs to you.

She really is a loon isn't she?

Keep strong and don't wear yourself down unnecessarily (sp) 7 weeks is really early to go back to work so make sure you keep yourself healthy and strong.
If MIL has a go about your mum having DD then tell her straight that you trust your mum and feel happier that DD is with your mum not her. Her behaviour has pushed you to feel like this so it is only right she knows how you feel.

And tell DH to grow a pair and start being a husband and a father

Haven't read anything but the OP yet......Holy Crap

A woman like that would not come within shouting distance of my DD or me. And I am not usually one who says deny access to anyone. She is clearly bonkers. And evil. And a witch.

Now I will read the whole thread & see there's a whole lot more to this!

Yeah, right, because I bet he has extensive knowledge of PND and its symptoms! 3 guesses as to where that idea came from.

His mum has "more rights" over your baby?

Jesus! Steer well clear.

There would be no bloody wonder if you did have PND would there?

These are also classic tactics from these arsewit mentalist MILs...try and put you down, make you think you are the one going mad. It's like feckin what's it called, that film where Julia Robert's husband tries to make her think she's gone bonkers.

No grandparent in the UK has any rights over their grandchildren. (unfortunately here in Italy they do, which is the main reason I continue to refuse to marry dp whilst dd is "illegitimate" she is technically classed as having no paternal grandparents, a fact I lurve throwing in their faces on a needs-to basis....

keep posting aj

she's a dangerous box of frogs and you are not wrong, not crazy, not depressed

you are pissed off and justifiably so

no you are not, if your dh can't see that his mother is clearly unbalanced then I would question his sanity too. Stick to your guns she is your dd and you set the rules. he should be supporting you not his mother.
good luck

I wonder if you should tell your doctor/health visitor some of these things, particularly the bit about your MIL going off with your baby that time. Perhaps if your health visitor could be around when your DH is s/he could say something to back you up. It's sometimes a good idea to have things 'noted', as it were....

I don't know. I'm just musing. Your MIL is the very fruitiest of fruit cakes and I feel for you.

OMG my MIL has a twin sister!!!!!!!

Poor you!!!! I can understand exactly how you feel. DO NOT BACK DOWN, DO NOT PUT YOURSELF OR YOUR NEEDS BELOW YOUR MILS DEMANDS!!!!! If your DH wont back you, make it clear this is not negotiable as if you give in now, you will have years and years of being sidelined.

I said to my overbearing MIL who was insisting I see as much of her as my own mum and to treat her like my mum - I understand you are just being kind( she wasn't) but my mum is my mum and is not replaceable and it is natural for girls to want to spend more time with their own MUMs not there MILs.

I had hoped she would back off, DP is a total wimp and mummy's boy and thinks she is right. I stand my ground and refuse as much of the intrusion as I can but it has led to the near break up of our relationship.

Please get help with your DH he must abide by your needs and wishes and those of your baby, not his mother - she sounds like a very skilled manipulator, you are right to be wary.

BTW my dd is two and I refused point blank for DP to take her on his own to his witch of a mother. He thinks the sun shines out of her bottom and will not hear a word against her.

Like one of the other posters said, when she did not get her own way, she started complaining to FIL, then tears down the phone to DP, then she was ill, then mis understood, all the time, lying openly to me, and talking rudely about me to FIL so I could hear!!

Its all an act to get her own way, what a horrid example for a grandchild.

And if anyone knows how you can get your DH to support you and not his mother, I will read it with interest as two years later I am still trying to find out how. Now at the point I think its hopeless and want to leave and never see the inlaws again.

giveloveachance _ 'Now at the point I think its hopeless and want to leave and never see the inlaws again'

You want to leave your husband or the area? Maybe there is no hope!!

These MIL posts are such a shame - and so unnecessary. By that I mean that there would be no need for any of this unpleasantness if only the blasted woman would stop trying to compete and trumpeting her rights.
In an ideal world, the grandparent/grandchild relationship is a fantastic bonus - my lovely, sadly deceased, MIL did a whole range of lovely things with mine. So they cooked, trashed made camps in her bedroom, went on long walks, picked blackberries, fed the ducks, played endless card games and, as babies, they'd snooze on her lap for hours while she watched the tennis. She did the school run a couple of times a week, hosted more than a few birthday parties (much bigger house and garden than us) and took them to the doctors if, say, I was at work and they were off-colour. I was more than happy for them to go round to her house for tea, sleepovers or just because we/they wanted to as she was never a threat to me, nor I to her.
If only your MIL could see that she'd be far more likely to have some of this (when your DD is older) if only she'd BACK OFF.

Clam - you're right It is all so sad. I feel that what should be a lovely time for everyone is being ruined by DH and his selfish family - well that isn't strictly correct, nothing could ruin how amazing being a Mum is! but they're all bullies - I wouldn't hand my DD to the school bully, why would I do the same with them?

I try to point out to DH that it wasn't in my life plan to have such a poor relationship with my MIL - I didn't anticipate warring families in my happy ever after!

To make matters worse DH and I work for same company (different bases though thank God) but I heard through the grapevine that he fell into a lake at work today Karma!!

Anyone have the other link from the same poster that Pingviner posted?

Her situation is so similar - I feel so angry at her DH on her behalf even if it was nearly a year ago!

I remember that one. Got to about 1400 posts in all. In the end though, she showed her DH this site and what we all said about it, and he was appalled. He stuck up for her in the end and confronted his mum (who'd told him the DW wasn't invited to a family christening, just him and the DD, but then "accidentally" sent a text to the OP letting slip the plan!!). She (the MIL) threw a wobbly but they stuck to their guns, the whole extended family found out and were cross with her too. Good result all round. Wil see if I can find it...

here

thank goodness for your mum aj, she must be giving you such strength

Well, I've found Part 2, but not tekkie enough to do a link. Was in November 08 though. I found it by searching for THUM (her abbreviated nickname)

The thread title was this:

"I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me. PART TWO"

Good luck.

Ah ha!

I can only hope it works out like that - her MIL is awful! I am going to buy the Toxic Inlaws..I'm sure my boss isn't getting value for money from me today !

here part two

I had similar issues with dp's parents. They also tried to make me think I was BU and had PND. Once I realised any REASONABLE person who thought you had PND would be more supportive of you and your wishes, not less, I felt better in myself even though I was still at breaking point.

I calmly wrote down key things about how DP's parents had treated me/us in the past, what they were doing now and how this made me FEEL. I then wrote what I was prepared to tolerate in the future, how I thought we could all move forward and the things I was unsure of (when/if I would be prepared to trust them alone with dd).

The next time dp brought up his parents, instead of arguing, I just broke down (as another poster said, let him see YOU are vulnerable), said I just couldn't take any more and calmly asked him to read what I had written.

I then asked him if he dissagreed with anything, if he thought I was unreasonable in saying it wasn't in dd's interests to have them undermining our relationship and parenting and in saying that they could only see dd with BOTH dp and I there until things improved.

DP agreed, told his parents we ALL needed to discuss how to move forward, they refused (gave him a load of abuse, called him names). DP stood his ground, he wasn't going to liten to abuse on the phone, if they wanted to discuss it WE were prepared to meet them. We haven't seen them, dp has little contact with them (odd text/email), we instantly became happier, he bonded with dd.

I wanted a united front as it prevented the manipulating/undermining of me via dp. He wanted a united front so he wasn't stuck in the middle any more feeling torn!

Your ILs are bullies, bullies don't like it when you stand up to them (in a non-confrontational way). I wont have my daughter growing up thinking you can bully ppl to get your own way or that you have to put up with being bullied.

HTH