Another MIL story...

[AJ123]

I don't know what to do...I am at my wit's end!! My 1st child dd is not even 7 weeks old yet and I have spent most of her little life arguing with dh over in laws. I've tried as much as I can to ignore the situation, and of course I've enjoyed her but it's coming to a point where neither of us can stand it anymore!

I have never had a good relationship with MIL. Not from want of trying on my part, and tbh i think she took an instant dislike to me (she also continually mentioned his ex not very tactful!)- we're far too different people but grated along because we both loved her ds/my dh. Anyway, after a while this culminated in her being drunk in her local and shouting in a pub at my much younger brother how she was going to hit him because 'yuk' he was related to me, her ds could do so much better etc etc.

This caused huge ructions, but eventually, I accepted that I had to partly forgive her and try and get on with things. I was still not fully accepted and relations were strained but we muddled along.

6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. My DH was happy but immediately demanded that his mother would be allowed to see the baby as much as mine, divided child care etc etc. Funnily enough my MIL was not my first thought!

We told his mother sooner than I'd have liked (after I found out that one of his mother's friends had found out via my pharmacist(!!!!!) and had told her children (one of whom was dh's ex) and they were taking it upon themselves to announce it to people ). She was overexcited.

Apparently all she'd ever wanted to be was a grandma. She was in my face 'dn't cut me out, don't cut me out' gave me presents etc. It was so wrong. I could understand that she was happy, but to force a relationship with me only to get to her GC I feel was wrong. I would have respected her more if she stuck to her guns, I would never have stopped her seeing her GC. Anyway, the undercurrent of dislike was still there. I had previously suffered from bulimia, and at a family dinner to celebrate our news, she read out a text from a friend to everyone saying 'oh congrats on becoming a gran. At least she'll have a reason to be sick now'... I couldn't believe my ears!

My pregnancy continued. She continued to make it about herself. She wanted to put pics of my Scan on her facebook. She wanted to be in at the birth, (my FIL offered to film it!). She bought us a fetal heart monitor but insisted that she listen to the baby first (before even us!) so the gift was evidently for herself not us. She wanted to buy a baby box, which was sweet, and she asked me to choose. So I did. She bought a different one, that she liked! Her house was filled with her own pram, her own crib etc...

Fast forward to the wonderful day my DD was born. They came to hospital. My MIL just got my FIL to take pics of her posing with DD. None of DD with her DS, none of DD on her own, none of DD with FIL (believe me I was not in any state to want to be photographed anyway!!) She then announced the birth of my daughter on Facebook before we got to tell our friends, and put up all of her pics of herself with DD on the same site.

The photoshoots have continued everytime she sees her.ONly herself with DD and all get put on Facebook. Now call me old-fashioned but I thought Grandparent took photos and put them up in their house, not all over a social networking site where you don't really have control over who is looking at these pics...(she was asked by DH not to after even more pics were taken, but she ignored him)

She wouldn't come around at weekends, because she caravans every fri sat sun mon, so I was asked to endure afternoons with her on my own immediately after DD was born. It was torture. And it was just one battle after another...why wasn't she allowed to have her on her own, why couldn't she take DD out for a walk etc. She is just waiting to have me out of the way!

Finally, we took our DD over to my ILs, when she was 3 weeks old. It was just a quick drop in for cuddles then home to feed her. (not comfortable about BFing at ILs.) MIL asked if she could walk out with DD (not in pram but in her arms) and take her over to the other side of her village to 'show off' to her friends. I said I'd rather she didn't (maybe overprotective but that's my right surely). She sulked, she may as well have stamped her foot. Ten minutes later, my head was turned in conversation with BIL and she ran out of the house with DD anyway!! She hasn't been around since then to see her. I put my foot down and said it was weekends only, when my DH is home, and I don't feel so vulnerable. It has been her choice to sulk at this, and doesn't want to come around when I'm here. (In fact she text my DH and said she wasn't coming round ever again, she knows I don't like her, which to me is just a ruse to get my DH to ship my DD over to her without me - She's too little!!! But my DH agrees with his MIL that I should be out of the way so his Mother can see GD. Who else lets their LOs out of there site at this age? Am I wrong?)

I truly feel that my DD is a trophy to her. There is no kissing of baby or real genuine affection. And she isn't happy just holding her and interacting with her. It has to be about parading her.

It has got to the point where the thought of her holding DD makes me cringe. I truly don't think she's nice woman. She doesn't understand that she can't emulate my closeness with my mother just to have equal access to DD. It's just the way it is! (Before DD was born she said she didn't like girls, and anyway she just KNEW it was a boy and she has already mentioned since we had her that shes sure we'll have a boy...enjoy the GD you have!)

What do I do. This is tearing our relationship apart. On top of everything else I can't trust my DH to support me. I think her walking out of the house with my 3 week old daughter would be enough for anyone, despite everything else? At least it's going to take me a while to trust her with my baby, and I'm not sure that's surprising. My closeness to my mother isn't helping the situation as DH sees this and resents that his mother can't have the same. I wouldn't let someone I think is essentially nasty, manipulative etc etc have sole charge of the thing that is most precious to me in all the world....even if she is my MIL.

So....after this long post, am I being unreasonable?!

AJ123 I really feel for you. What is his dad like, could he mediate?

Honestly, what a complete nightmare! Can your dh really not see the difference between grannies? As in one being nice and helpful and normal, the other being his mother?
If my mil had nicked my dd for a show and tell i would do exactly what sh feared most and refuse to let her see dd. But thats not the most productive advice, i know.
Your dh really needs to stand by you on this. May be extreme but have you thought of councilling?

Are you by any chance bfeeding so that hubby can´t take daughter without you?

His Dad is definitely the more genuine of the two. But he is only ever really interested in making sure his wife gets what she wants - it makes his life easier! He also paid no attention to me (for a long time he couldn't even pronounce my name nor did he make the effort to learn to)until my daughter was born and then turned into a sycophant (it's almost like he's trying to make up for his wife!). It's all a bit pathetic. I've spent the last few weeks feeling like a surrogate womb whose only purpose was to bring my DD into the world and give her over to DH, and his parents (dramatic I know!)

diddl - unfortunately not anymore! I did try (not for this reason alone) but thrush etc put paid to that. So now the argument continues with the pressure to let his mother feed DD.

LittleWhiteWolf - it's getting that way! My DH has always resented my closeness to my family, and this is only highlighting the situation. It's a tit for tat thing for him between my family and his.

I think I would say to DH 'its us or her. Back me up with your mum or I will take DD to my mum's and you won't see us either.'

And then follow through.

In other words, do everything in your power to protect your DD from this loon.

You must be feeling really low AJ123. Could you get away for a few days with friends or family.......may also make DH see just how sad your feeling?

Tee2072 had the balls to say what I was really thinking!

YABU at all. My ILs were a bit like that and were one of the main reasons I breastfed so successfully. I was always worried they would run off with my baby so refused to even contemplate a bottle.

malfoy how did you deal with things later on though?

she is mental, so sorry your having to live with this.

tryingtobemarypoppins -mine sort of calmed down after a bit but it did take a while.

I do remember my FIL walking off with DS without my permission and me going ballistic. I told MIL to ring her DH and tell him if he did not bring back DS immediately I would never let them see him on their own.

The lunacy did wear off by the time DD came along. I think it was because DS was a boy + the first grandchild.

They did behave as he was theirs. It was just a bit weird.

We all think that,Tee, but, then you put yourself on the same scumbag level she is on.
I suppose I was "lucky" in that when I finally said enough, walked out of MIL's house 5 yrs ago and haven't seen her since, dp followed me and didn't speak to her for months. His decision though, not mine. You can't make her son choose between her and you. I mean you can obviously, but morally, you can't. If he chooses you, he'll resent that forever and it will backfire.

I hate my MIL more than I hate anyone on this planet, and I swear to god, without an ounce of shame, that I will dance on her fvcking grave when the day comes, but I would never have made dp choose, and I have never stopped him from taking dd to see her. They've had other fallouts over the past 5 yrs and we go through phases where dd doesn't see them....during which she never questions why she doesn't see them. That's the price, ultimately they are going to have to pay for their past fvckwittage. They have never bought her any presents, for birthday, Christmas, or just because...and dd has never expressed any desire to buy them anything, draw them a picture, anything, whilst she showers other relatives with bits of homemade rubbish! They reap what they sow in the end.

Don't make him decide between you....but you can decide for you and if the fvckwittage over dd continues, then you can also decide for her.

Your hubby is being ridculous IMO if he feels he should take your daughter to his parents alone as you see your parents alone with her.

I think you´ve got to take a stand and tell him to back you up or you´re out.

And find somewhere to go for a break in the meantime!

My DH has actually gone to stay at his mothers (She isn't there, caravaning of course)! This is as of last night.We had another row about it, and I know that no matter how little DD is, she will sense something. It will Give us both a chance to cool off. Hopefully he'll see some perspective and get his priorities right. If not...well what can I do more than I already have? I think I've been reasonable in allowing her weekends under these terms. I posted this morning to get opinions - and everyone's given me the strength I need to stand my ground. If DH can't see that DD and I are more important and that I'm not being , as he puts it 'spiteful' about his mother, then I suppose he doesn't really deserve us. I'm sick of telling him he has to support me, he need to work it out for himself now.

It´s not making hubby decide, IMO.

It´s standing up to his mother & telling her that he will not tolerate his wife being treated like sh!t by her!

I would go to Relate and get outside objective advice-unless DH is going to be reasonable.

Could I also ask, when MIL walked out with three wk old in her arms, would you have been OK if she´d taken the pram or waited for you?

YANBU

Your DH needs to understand that.

Let him read this thread so that he can see that every other mother who has read this thread has reacted with horror at the thought of his mother heading off with your 3 week old baby, without telling you.

You and your DH have to set boundaries right now. Otherwise she will walk right over you.

No more photos. You can arrange to send her photos once a week.

Absolutely NO taking your DD away from you without prior permission.

IF and only IF she abides by your rules, let her know that you will allow her to have your DD alone, at some point in the future when you are comfortable with that.

If she does not then she only gets to see her when your DH and you are present. If she carrys on as she is doing, then she does not get to see DD at all.

This will only work if your DH backs you up and does it in front of you. He has to show publicly that his loyalty is to you, and your DD. You and she are his family now.

I think perhaps he thinks there is some jealousy over his mother - there isn't. I only resent the hours of our relationship we have spent wasting time arguing about her. I wouldn't ask him to make an outright decision between us - but to make a decision to be supportive, and understand that my happiness is just as important as his daughters. It is not as though I'm telling him his parent will never see our DD, merely that it's only terms until I can trust her (seriously doubt that will ever happen but I have kept an open mind).
The joke is, there was no bad feeling between my MIL and her DHs Mother when my DH was born, but she refused to let her own MIL see him - WITHOUT REASON. How can she then expect to have control over when she sees my DD and what she does with DD.
But I think I could live with her, if my DH stood by me.

diddl - definitely not on her own in any way! If she had wanted them to come and visit her at her house to see DD I wwas fine with that. I think what I don't like is her constant insistance that she must show her to her friends on her own. Believe me, she would only have made me feel uncomfortable if I'd suggested coming with her!

There you go you see, it's a poison that seeps through generations. Mine was told on her marriage that this was her family now, and she could visit her own at Easter and Christmas. The day I walked out of mine was the day she told me I couldn't take dd to England to see my family, if they wanted to see her they had to come to Italy.

TYPO Sorry, message above should read that my happiness is just as important as his mother's!

So, she´s judging you by her standards?

She thinks you might arbitrarily stop her seeing her granddaughter.

And she´s going the right way about making it happen!

Mme Lindt puts it well.

Also, Facebook-I think you have to ask her to remove the photos and tell her she can´t take any more if this is what she will do with them!

I will definitely be showing DH this thread - he can then see that actually, I'm not unreasonable. Unfortunately he just doesn't have his priorities right.

On telling him that I couldn't live like this, and that I needed him to give me space, he said that:
'You'll only end up going to your mother's if we split up, I don't want my daughter brought up in your family any more than you'd want her brought up in mine' Not, that he loves me, loves his daughter, can't bear us to leave etc. I know I'm biased, but he genuinely doesnt' have reason not to like my family - they know that he doesn't, they can sense it, but they let it go, don't badger me about it, and don't try and force the relationship anymore. They're kind and polite, and make chit chat, but no more, and I don't blame them!