to think it's high time somebody started an "I'm an imperfect mother" thread on here? Jeeez the number of perfectly perfect mums on here atm is quite scary

[emkana]

Okay I'll start

I'm not a perfect mother because

I lose my temper
I let them watch x factor and the cube on a Saturday night, and don't even read them a bedtime story after
I've taken them out of school for holidays

I have a vested interest here. I say ffs about 30 times a day to and in front of my kids.

you could say tis my mantra

...they couldn't care less. In fact the thing they don't like about me is that I spend far, far too much time on here

Are you assuming that all these kids that are sworn at are all abused children?

I think the posts on here are worst case scenario snap shots (well mine are) and to then assume that my kids are abused, its a tad judgey and somewhat laughable.

I would doubt SS would really be interested.

Yes my friend, we do.

In trying to avoid swearing while driving, I do the secret fingers under the steering wheel. This is a most satisfying way to react without the DC knowing. I recommend it.

Right - last attempt, I think

if an op posted that her partner called her 'a fucking bitch' people would say that that was anything from abusive to not a very good relationship, therefore why is it any different if its directed at a child? Surely that's even worse?

Can't we try and aim a little higher?

But what if he called her a fucking bitch after she had coloured in her freshly painted new walls?

I believe its the context.

I think people recognise its not the right thing to do, and yes they are aiming higher but this is a thread about stuff we have fucked up on...

I for one am not proud, but i dont appreciate the "omg how awful, i would never ever ever do that" speechs.

You are right that we should aim higher, absolutely. It is not a nice thing to do.

But if you are having a barney with your partner, and he calls you that in the heat of the moment, it may not be an abusive or even a not very good relationship. I still think it would depend on the circs.

If a parent is doing all the things I said in my post then they are aiming high, they are trying their very best to be a good parent. One mistake doesn't undo all that.

But some of the posts on this thread refer to behaviour that is a regular occurance- for instance shouting ffs every morning to get your children to school on time, and feeling that is the only way you can make them comply. That is a problem, imo, and an issue with parenting style which needs adressing.

I know I said I was leaving the thread but I didn't want to see you fighting the good fight alone, defluff

< runs in to agree that swearing at and name-calling your kids is never ok >

< runs out before I get stuck in this strange world that some people seem to live in.....>

Jumps up and down that Shiney and MoreCrack are back!!!

I thought I was living in an alternate reality there for a good hour or two, where calling your children 'fucking bitches' was normal and I was a DM reading prude.

Honestly I was beginning to think I should greet dd with that when she got home such was the peer pressure

Gosh this is turning into such a 'them' and 'us' debate, the them being the scummy, nasty parents who swear in front of or at their children.

Swearing at your children is a recipe for disaster?

I'll accept that telling your child over and over that they are a worthless fucking little shit/bitch, is likely to produce a child who feels worthless. But in the same way as saying erxactly the same thing, expressing the same sentiment, but without the swearing would have the same effect. If you make your child feel that they mean nothing, that they are nothing, then that IS going to damage them.

I had a friend at university whose mother had openly told her and her siblings that she never loved them, and wished they hadn't been born. She never shouted, screamed or swore. But growing up she never gave them any affection, and they were all affected by this, as well as her subsequent admission.

But I do swear in front of and at my children. I don't call them fucking shits or bastards or cunts, I don't like or use the latter word. I do say FFS hurry up, sometimes I say bloody hurry up, sometimes FGS hurry up. I don't set out TO swear at them, but equally I don't try to avoid it, which I suppose is what makes me a 'bad' parent.

My parents as I have said, swore at and in front of me. I don't consider my life to be a disaster, and remember my childhood with nothing but fondness & I strongly object to the suggestion that my parents, purely for swearing, were crap parents. They weren't. And if I can be half the parent to my DC that they were to me, I would be overjoyed.

I don't think I'm a better parent because I swear, and likewise I don't think superiority should be assumed by those who don't.

Please explain to me how my parents have made my life a disaster, based on your thinking. Because I really cant see it.

Or are you going to say that my life is a disaster PURELY because I swear around my children? In which case I would say you are being not only smug but extremely condescending.

Hatesponge, it is a bit them and us I agree, but not how you think, and not from my side. I've been told my views are Daily Mail, that I'm judgey, unhelpful and smug. I haven't said that anyone on the 'other side' (if you want to call it that) is scummy or nasty (your words). I've said that personally, that behaviour is not what I would class as good parenting, because I truly believe its not. You wouldn't swear at your boss, parents, friends or partner so why swear at your children?

The thing is that while I don't swear or shout at my child I do tell her I love her constantly and give constant cuddles etc. Am I only allowed to do that as a parent if I also swear? You seem to think you can only either be cold and unloving and not swear or jolly and loving and swear. Not in the group of people I know.

My dad never swore at me ever...Was still a crap dad tho .. and when you're kids grow up into teenagers I will bet you a pound to a penny they will be swearing down the park too

Defluff - the pint I was making in relation to my friend was that there are many ways to make a child grow up feeling unloved:

you can ignore them, and treat them with indifference, as my friends mother did;
you can verbally belittle them, without swearing
you can verbally belittle them whilst swearing.

I accept all of those behaviours are wrong. but in the same way that a child can have a miserable childhood without ever hearing a swear word or a raised voice, so in my view it is possible to have a great childhood, and grow up in a loving family where there is swearing, and voices are raised.

I honestly don't consider that a child it is impossible for a child to be happy, or that they are being raised to a 'satisfactory' standard if they live as my DC do, or as I did growing up.

I accept there are many people who don't swear ever, or only very rarely. I am not one of those people. That doesn't make me better, but equally it doesn't make me worse. And I do swear at work, I swear at home, with friends or whenever. I'm not singling out my children.

< realises irony of my MN name >

I agree Hatesponge, there are many ways to make a childhood unhappy.

I think it is totally possible to have a great childhood and hear occasional swearing, however, my point is that swearing AT your child (which is what we were talking about on the thread eg 'fucking bitch / shit' etc) can never be classed as good. And I would feel belittled/unloved if someone said that to me so surely a child would feel the same, if not more so because they are a child, without any power to leave (as I would leave if someone swore at me).

Random - people can be crap parents even if they don't swear obviously (my ExH is a case in point!!). However, swearing at your child is hardly role model behaviour or something that is going to make your child feel loved.

But why is swearing in earshot of my children not doing my best? Please explain how this is damaging my children. Why their lives are worse, and how they are less loved, or feel less valued, than the children of parents who don't swear.