Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To restrict my husband from low paid job?

219 replies

toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:04

My 16-month old DS is currently staying with my husband at home because husband is unemployed. I earn 30k a year and this is our all family budget. My husband is an accountant, but has been unemployed for 8 months and is desperate to take any work even paid 12k a year (min rate 5.95). I checked government website based on this assumption (42k a year) and average cost of childcare £200/week and it came out that the child/working tax credits we will get is roughly £40 a month? With this presumption I want him to stay at home instead of choosing a low paid job because it is just does not pay off!

My question is, am I right in my presumptions? Because my DH is very upset with me restricting him from work.

OP posts:
Notsochilledanymore · 01/09/2009 10:09

I don't think you can demand that someone stay at home to provide childcare if its not what they want to do. You're not actually ending up worse off (I think it would be different if you were), so this is really about your husband feeling like he is useful. My husband is a SAHD, but its his choice, and he's now returning to work in January since he feels its time he does. Again, his salary will only just pay for our childcare, but the alternative is a resentful DH, so its worth it to us.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/09/2009 10:09

If you will be financially worse off then no, YANBU. However, maybe you need to discuss both your wishes for the future. Many men are leery of being SAHDs for the long term so maybe you need to make a long term plan with him - ie he can go back when DS has his free nursery place, saving you a lot of money there. I worked out that if I go back to work FT, DH would continue working thurs and fri, and we'd basically take home 40 quid a day for those two days I worked extra because of tax and childcare, and I earn 28k a year. For us it wasn't worth it - we can live without that 80 quid a week and I'd rather be at home. But in your case you may actually be out of pocket if he goes back, DS will be in childcare instead of with his dad, and liofe will be more complicated. He's being a bit silly (though understandable)

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2009 10:10

Please bear in mind that even if you earn more, that does not make you his boss or his owner. You're not entitled to tell him what to do and completely disregard his feelings.
And taking a job - any job - may well make him more attractive to a better-paying employer after a while.

colditz · 01/09/2009 10:11

You have no right to restrict him from work.

flowerybeanbag · 01/09/2009 10:12

If the only reason that you want him to stay at home is because the financial benefits aren't enough, then YABU. If he's got enough get up and go that he wants to take any job and contribute to the household income then I think good for him.

If your concern is that you don't want your DS in childcare, you and your DH need to talk it through a bit more. If your DH has only been unemployed for 16 months, presumably you used some childcare before that, and just stopped because he wasn't working anyway. That's fine, but if he's unemployed, therefore looking for work and keen to go back to work, I don't think it's for you to tell him he can't.

Even if you are only better off by £40 a month initially, his earnings may well go up. It's easier to get a better job when you are in a job than if you are unemployed anyway.

The arrangements a family has for childcare, and who works doing what hours are joint decisions and either partner feeling forced to stay at home by the other is not a good situation. It needs to be a compromise and a joint decision reached so that everyone's as happy with it as possible.

flowerybeanbag · 01/09/2009 10:13

Sorry, he's only been unemployed for 8 months, and your DS is 16 months.

ReneRusso · 01/09/2009 10:13

YABU. It is probably knocking his self-esteem to be out of work. And getting back into work might eventually lead to better paid work.

Reallytired · 01/09/2009 10:15

I think that you have to consider your DH health and happiness. It is better for him to go back to work than fall into depression. Having a depressed parent is bad for a child's development. Also poorly paid work often leads to better paid work.

I am in a similar position to your DH in that I will be going back to work to a low paid job. I have two children and we will be barely breaking even.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/09/2009 10:17

Does it knock mums' self esteem to be SAHMs? Sorry but they need to do what's best for the family and DS, and IMO, that's being looked after by a parent rather than nursery, if there is no reason not to be, and if there is no financial gain, there is no reason for him to go to work immediately.

I am absolutely not saying that putting children in nursery is wrong, but in this case, it is really not in the family's interests is it? Why should his male ego be pandered to?

Tortington · 01/09/2009 10:19

it is easier to go from work to work
than from umenployed - to work

this could be the stepping stone he needs

as per the constant argument about benefits re working on MN - i always argue that the financial remuneration of employment is only PART of the picture

the friends
gossip
confidence
further training courses

xmas parties
bring in cakes for the office on your birthday.

going to pub for a drink occasionally

Tortington · 01/09/2009 10:21

kat - becuase he is a person. thats why

you do not have children and then lay prone in front of the altar of self sacrifice

and why should you

no one loves a martyr - except the martyr him/herself (apparently)

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 01/09/2009 10:22

So what are you saying here Kat? That a husband would have the right to demand his wife stays home with the children if he didn't like the idea of them being in childcare. I don't think so. You may believe that children are always better off with a parent than in childcare. Not everyone does. You can't force a person to become a fulltime carer for their children if it is not what they wish to do - and it would hardly be very good for the children to be looked after by a bored, resentful, depressed parent, who was forbidden by their spouse from getting a job.
Or did I accidentally wake up in the 19th century this morning?

colditz · 01/09/2009 10:23

It's not about male ego, is it? It's about one partner having enough respect for the other's feelings to not insist that they stay at home being the family servant when they clearly don't want to.

I wouldn't do it, and I'm a woman, not a 'male ego'.

ReneRusso · 01/09/2009 10:25

kat2907 "Does it knock mums' self esteem to be SAHMs?"
I think if that mum would rather be working then yes it does. Being a SAHM or SAHD is not for everyone.

BitOfFun · 01/09/2009 10:25

"Restricting" anyone in a partnership is not healthy.

Original poster
toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:27

Forgot to say, DH got a job offer with 5.95 hourly rate (mail sorter?.) and went for his first work day today. Maybe I am not entitled to say what DH has to do, but for his first day I paid £13.60 for his travelling to work (it is far) and £30 for childcare (my friend took care of DS, but this is temporary arrangement). This makes up to £43.60 and the most DH will get for today is £5.95 x 8 hours = £47.6 (this is gross). I cannot even think of the future when we will have to switch to registered childminder for £45-50 a day. Of course I am furious, I don?t see any point. He went with a hope that maybe (only MAYBE) he will get extra shifts at night or some better position there after a while. I am struggling to meet ends already, I am supporting him fully and I don?t want to be supporting his ?right to work?, I feel like I will go bankrupt before he understands how unreasonable it is.
DH?s thinks that we will get ?plenty of tax credits? (nonsense I think) and of course he is frustrated with staying at home so he would not listen to me at all!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 01/09/2009 10:27

Your husband is normally in fulltime work, yes? There has never been a commitment for him to be a SAHD.

Then you should be encouraging and supporting him in getting back into work.

If you would be happy for him to work fulltime on a higher wage, and would deal with the childcare in that situation, then its unfair of you to delay his return to work just because you don't like the wages.

He will stand a better chance of getting into a higher paid job when he is in work, than when he is unemployed - that's just the way it goes. So, unless he was happy to be a SAHD and take his chances on returning to work after years of unemployment, then he's better off overall by taking the job and then looking to move on in due course.

flowerybeanbag · 01/09/2009 10:29

It's not about his male ego. If a joint decision is made that it's better for one person to be a SAHP, and that person is willing and happy to do it, then that's one thing. If one person is forced into it because he/she loses their job, then is told by the other partner that he/she can't get another one, that's not on and will lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Original poster
toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:30

Oh, in general I want my DH to work ? I just want him to be patient and look for a proper work, the one he has done before. And I want my DS to go to nursery, he is very mature now and needs playmates. Financial viability is all that matters and, unfortunately to my DH, I cannot afford end up spending even more from my tight budget to satisfy my DH?s self-esteem.

OP posts:
colditz · 01/09/2009 10:30

by staying at home, was he not supporting your right to work? WHY should he stay at home? EVERYONE has a right to work, even when it is less convenient for you. You can't insist that someone sits down, shuts the fuck up and does the darning just because it is more convenient for you. It's not fair.

If my partner didn't let me work, I would leave him. Nobody gets to say what I do or do not do.

colditz · 01/09/2009 10:32

Er, you're married, Toja. It's not your budget, it's his budget too. By providing childcare, he has been massively contributing to the household and also completely supporting your career. YOu don't get to keep hold of all the money, he's not your au pair, he's your husband!

readyfornumber2and3 · 01/09/2009 10:34

The best way to look at it is, how would you feel if he was technically forcing YOU to be a sahm when it wasnt what you wanted?

pleasechange · 01/09/2009 10:35

Is your DH a qualified accountant? - is there no contract work available? Where I live there is still plenty of contract work as employers are reluctant to hire FT people

Presumably, as an accountant, he is not seeing the £12k position as a long-term arrangement? Will he still be looking for better-paid work now also?

It sounds like he's digging in his heels tbh. It may sounds to some that you're fractionally better off with him working, but I don't imagine this is the case when you take into account expenses such as workwear, travel to work costs and lunches

MotheringHeights · 01/09/2009 10:35

It's not your budget, toja, it's the family budget and he has as much right to have a say over how it's spent.

YABU and your attitude seems quite mean.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/09/2009 10:37

There is nothing more important than your dh's self-esteem and happiness. 8 months is a long time to be out of work.

He wants to work - he is willing to take a lower paid job in the hope of something better.

I can't even imagine the outrage if a guy were writing this about his wife and complaining that he wanted her to stay at home until she could earn more from a 'proper job'.

All of the money coming in now is family money - your ds's nursery fees should be paid out of family money. It's not your 30k and his £12k.

Apply for tax credits and childcre vouchers.

Swipe left for the next trending thread