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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To restrict my husband from low paid job?

219 replies

toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:04

My 16-month old DS is currently staying with my husband at home because husband is unemployed. I earn 30k a year and this is our all family budget. My husband is an accountant, but has been unemployed for 8 months and is desperate to take any work even paid 12k a year (min rate 5.95). I checked government website based on this assumption (42k a year) and average cost of childcare £200/week and it came out that the child/working tax credits we will get is roughly £40 a month? With this presumption I want him to stay at home instead of choosing a low paid job because it is just does not pay off!

My question is, am I right in my presumptions? Because my DH is very upset with me restricting him from work.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 10:38

Can you please confirm that what you have calculated is that, by returning to work in a low-paid job, your DH will be in fact making a negative financial contribution to your household?

flowerybeanbag · 01/09/2009 10:38

'Financial viability is all that matters'. WHat a sad thing to say. Of course it isn't!

Anyway, according to your OP, you will be £40 a month better off, so it's perfectly viable.

UnquietDad · 01/09/2009 10:38

It's nothing to do with his "male ego". Getting back into work will give him a much better chance of finding another, better job in the near future. Think long-term.

stripes200 · 01/09/2009 10:39

He's an accountant and is looking at 12k a year jobs?

There's something seriously wrong with his calculations there(fnar fnar).

Try GAAPWEB to look for finance jobs.

YABU for telling him what he can and can't do viz a job, put the shoe on the other foot: would you like it if he said you weren't allowed to go out and get a job even if you wanted one?

YANBU for trying to ensure that he is paid what he is worth and that any decisions, that affect you all are the correct ones.

They should be made by the two of you as a couple...a partnership, not by you telling him at the same time as cutting off his balls and making him wear a pinny

readyfornumber2and3 · 01/09/2009 10:40

Can you imagine the outrage if this was a man posting this!!
just because you earn the money does not mean you are in control, you wouldnt have much if DH wasnt doing the childcare!

Notsochilledanymore · 01/09/2009 10:42

I think maybe you need to stop thinking about this as "your" money that is supporting him going out to work. How would you feel if you hated being a SAHM and he made you do it on the grounds that he didn't want to spend his money supporting you???? You are a family, and need to see your financial position as a shared one, not one with you in control.

Original poster
toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:42

OK, our budget can't bear additional expenses to support his right to work. We already very tight. "We" just bought a house and "we" calculate our budget tightly to meet all ends (actually I bought, but who cares). Now I wish I had not. Because with his wish to go to this mail sorter work, I will not afford this unless we get decent amount of tax credits. He is not qualified accountant, but he has experience. He is currently pursuing his qualifications, and "we are paying" for it (I am paying, but who cares). Now when it comes to its desire to do any job and not to consider financial viability, and then I end up guilty because I don't want to pay extra for him to be able to work, I feel like I will get depressed soon.

OP posts:
alwayslookingforanswers · 01/09/2009 10:43

maybe he's already depressed being out of work so long???

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 10:45

The OP has all my sympathies. It is a very common feature of families with small children that second-earners are unable to cover childcare expenses.

There is not a right way of looking at this from an accounting perspective.

colditz · 01/09/2009 10:47

"(I'm paying, but who cares)"

Well, clearly you do.

ANd you can get sarcastic and mock all you like - you STILL are not being fair to your husband.

He has the right to go to work.
He has the right not to stay at home just because you'd prefer him to.
He doesn't actually have to do what you want. Regardless of how much you earn or how tight your budget is.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2009 10:49

So if he is not a qualified accountant, is he studying accountancy? Or do you mean he has previously been doing basic bookkeeping for someone? Have you been supporting him while he studies accountancy or something? Because it may be that a minimum-wage job is all he is likely to get present and it is better than not working. But also I think TBH you may have made an error in your assessment of what tax credits you will get: if you put your LO into an Ofsted-registered nursery tax credits will contribute towards the cost of it.

SouthMum · 01/09/2009 10:51

YABVVVVVU

He might want to get back to work for his self esteem and you are being selfish. You might be better off in the short term if he stays at home but the effects of this for future employment and state of mind might be pretty shite.....

onemoretimetoday · 01/09/2009 10:53

Have you ever been out of work against your wishes? Have you sat there day after day wandering what you're going to do next looking at the clock willing the moments to pass?

I have, and the year that I spent as a SAHM after my second child nearly finished me off. I went back to work for my sanity, my confidence and my self respect. I had to take a big paycut to do it but my emotional state improved tenfold and for the first time in a long time I felt like me, like I was living again.

Perhaps consider that your husband might feel similarly. Sometimes it's not about money, it is about more than that and I think that so long as your household is not making a loss you need to ride with this one.

pleasechange · 01/09/2009 10:53

I don't think he'll be able to pursue any accounting qualifications during a mail sorting job. Has he studied towards any accounting quals? If he is part-way through, it may make sense to take on a loss-making job as his future earnings would more than make up for it. But in that case, he would really need some sort of accounting clerk type work with relevance to what he'll be studying

hercules1 · 01/09/2009 10:53

I would hate to be married to you. Dh was a sahd for a year. It would never have occurred to me to impose restrictions on his career plans and he would never do this to me either. You are a unit with an amount of income from which childcare comes out of.

Original poster
toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:56

colditz, if my DH will make negative financial contribution to our budget, I don't know how I will meet the ends... as simple as that.... i might need to take up the second job as wll and please don't say I have to happy about it...

SGBrass, my DH stayed illegaly in this country and he did accounts job in his friend's name. He also has abroad degree in accounts. He is studying CIMA at the moment. He can show some past (legal) experience in accounts plus that he is working on qualifications.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/09/2009 10:57

sounds like all you want are the 'benefits' in form of tax credits.....

Original poster
toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:58

Thanks guys? it is for me to think how to feed my family while my DH is maintaining his self-esteem.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 01/09/2009 11:00

Any job is better than no job imo, and although you may not be better off financially with him working, it'll help him keep in touch with the world, not feel beholden to you every time he wants to treat himself to a Starbucks or whatever.

At one point I was working as a part time lawyer with 2 small dcs, one severely disabled and earned £16 a week after paying for childcare, cleaner, gardener etc. The money was totally irrelevant, I would have gone nuts at home and been a lousy mum. Maybe your dh feels the same way.

pleasechange · 01/09/2009 11:00

If he's studying CIMA, isn't that quite expensive to self-fund? Sounds like he'd get through the exams quicker at home though

flowerybeanbag · 01/09/2009 11:04

It's not about you making ends meet and you paying for this that and the other. Your household income is just that, household income, not your income which you graciously (or otherwise) use to pay for things.

Any financial decisions need to be joint. In most families one partner earns more than the other, either because one stays at home completely, or works part time, or works in a lower paying job. That doesn't mean financial decisions should be made by the breadwinner imo. You are a family, it's your family income wherever it comes from.

My DH earns a lot more than me, and with the exception of a year while he was studying, always has and probably always will. But we manage our money together, and make financial decisions together. He would never think of it as him paying for things. Same as when I was earning full time and he was studying, it wasn't me paying for stuff, it was our joint income.

expatinscotland · 01/09/2009 11:05

It's not about just his self-esteem, though.

It's about his keeping fresh in the workforce so he has a better chance of FT work once your child is a bit older, of NI contributions, etc.

And then you throw it up that he stayed here illegally.

You sound very self-centred, controlling and mean-spirited, tbh.

Oh, and YABU.

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 11:06

I would have thought that in a family where it will be impossible to make ends meet if one partner pursues negative financial goals that that point would take priority over any other when deciding who should work.

Self-esteem is very important, but survival comes first. Self-esteem can fall very quickly when a family falls into debt.

Imarchietheinventor · 01/09/2009 11:06

Sorry but i think YABVVVVVU. I too am studying accountancy and thank god my husband is supporting my right to study and is also kind enough to 'allow' me to go out to work one day a week.

Guess he has a bit of perspective, is often telling me he is looking forward to becoming a kept man. If my husband was as unreasonable as you, I would have walked!!. Guess then you would be financially viable. For richer for poorer, ring any bells

colditz · 01/09/2009 11:08

You would get approx £13 a week child tax credit with him working, and £10 a week with him not working. You won't be losing any benefits at all.

Unless you are in central london, there is no reason a child care setting is going to cost you more than he would earn.