To restrict my husband from low paid job?

[toja555]

My 16-month old DS is currently staying with my husband at home because husband is unemployed. I earn 30k a year and this is our all family budget. My husband is an accountant, but has been unemployed for 8 months and is desperate to take any work even paid 12k a year (min rate 5.95). I checked government website based on this assumption (42k a year) and average cost of childcare £200/week and it came out that the child/working tax credits we will get is roughly £40 a month? With this presumption I want him to stay at home instead of choosing a low paid job because it is just does not pay off!

My question is, am I right in my presumptions? Because my DH is very upset with me restricting him from work.

as a senior accountant and a mum I am just as impressed by people who have looked after a child full time and got a decent qualifiation at the same time and there are plenty of mums out there recruiting. Doing a mail sorting job while someone looks after your kids does not signal to me the same drive and ambition as someone who looked after kids full time and studied. It does not require the same level of intellectual attainment or committment.

OK doing a mail sorting job and qualifiying as an accountant might be impressive but the way the OP is talking that is not the way its going to work.

However the OP does need to be clear that looking after the kids is a full time job and her partner will not be able to study while doing childcare. he'll have to fit it round the childcare. This may be possible e.g. if child has an afternoon nap etc.

when you marry you create a joint life but you donb't stop your own, or his.

What he does as his occupation is his concern, and whilst it needs to be discussed he has the responsibility to ensure his own happiness and that, for some, means working at all costs and whatever the pay.

His work ethic demands respect imo, not annoyance. I have been in your spostion- am right now in fact with DH heading to Uni- but I put a fulfilled Dh over spare cash any day.

MsJoanSmith, my DH had an illegal accounts job, which does not count in his legal CV. Now he is fully legal but what he has is short-term accounts experience 3-4 years ago, abroad degree and half-way in CIMA. He explained to me that CIMA does not require
work experience while ACCA requires (or something like that although I might have misunderstand something). What I know for sure one of his friends pursued CIMA as a result of self-studying, had no job experience but got accounts job afterwards.

Mellifluouscauliflower, my DH is a very decent guy indeed and he wants to work but if all other decisions have to be made jointly, then this one as well especially if it will affect our budget negatively with no future prospect in a mail sorting job? Pension etc is important but we are in a very vulnerable stage at the moment and the pension question can wait a little. And thank your childcare information, I will look into it.

Someone was asking how would I feel if my husband ?restricted? me from work ? if I knew that he struggles to pay our bills and my work will make him to struggle even more ? I would stay at home until I get better prospect. I would not put my other half in a more difficult financial position than it is.

She doesn't know it's not going to work though. I worked full time and studied part time for a while as it was the only way I could afford to do it.
SHe hasn't even given him the oppertunity to find out if he can manage work and study or not yet she is just resenting the fact that he has taken this job. Why not give the man a chance to prove himself.

IUsedToBePeachy You say ?I have been in your spostion- am right now in fact with DH heading to Uni- but I put a fulfilled Dh over spare cash any day.?

I have been supporting my DH to study but it is not the same as to support to do a mail sorting job, is it?

IneedacleanerIamalazyslat... I am not aware of Royal Mail benefits, but this might be a possibility. DH was called to start work today 9-5 but was not clear about working hours. I hope he can do shifts evenings or weekends, as you say.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslat... you say: SHe hasn't even given him the oppertunity to find out if he can manage work and study.

It is not about work and study, it is about work and money and matter of surviving if he goes on a low-paid job.

CIMA most definitely does require relevant and varied accounting work experience. After passing the exams, you have to provide a logbook with evidence showing how you have gained this evidence, with dates etc. This has to be signed by your employer

I may ask everyone in a different way: would you be happy to spend all day in a low-paid job (Tesco checkout, store assistant, mail sorter etc.) leaving your child FT in a nursery and knowing that you are actually making negative contribution to a family and your DH struggles even more to meet ends? Bear that is not your dream job and most likely will not have any effect on your future career.

I think you asked the wrong question. The issue should not be the pay, but the nature of the work.

toja555 I was commenting on what the previous poster had said not that you had said about work and study.
And you know what if it meant I was happier with more self esteem a few friends outside the house then damn right I would sit on a checkout at Tesco or simlar and what's so bloody wwrong with these jobs (proud of my postie husband ) and you can bet your life my husband would support me in doing that if I felt for whatever the reason it was what I needed to do.

My ex was all cut and dry it was always about money well you know what you cannot buy hapines, you cannot buy love, you cannot buy your family and if your husband feels he is doing something by taking the bloody lowly mail sorter job then good on him I say.

someguy - I don't see why you're saying the pay isn't the issue. It makes a big difference. For example, I have a job I don't enjoy, however I earn a very good wage which makes it worthwhile. If I was actually losing money while doing a job that bores me to tears, then it would be a no-brainer!

Everyone I know works to get paid

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern, I am not asking whether your husband would be supporting you. I am asking if you would be truly happy to put him in to such situation? I personally would not put additional burden on my DH?s shoulders, I would try to find other ways to entertain myself.

yes of course you would because it's not you that's stuck at home all day when you don't want to be

and it's not on YOUR shoulders and BOTH of your shoulders - you are family yes????

alwayslookingforanswers, you said: and it's not on YOUR shoulders and BOTH of your shoulders - you are family yes????

I don't view family this way that I can do whatever I want without looking from my DH's point of view.

so perhaps you should try looking at it from your DH's point of view - of how he feels rights now.

fwiw my DH has been out of work for nearly 8 months now. He's (hopefully) going to start a new job soon - and as we've been on benefits it's going to leave us worse off (as is often the case coming off benefits into low paid work). It's going to be a considerable strain on our relationship I'm sure as finances are already extremely tight, however it's going to make him happier working, it'll give him a better chance of finding another job, and we'll both support EACH OTHER.

Pay is absolutely the issue here. When you are just managing financially, anything which decreases household income could be a disaster. Nowhere has the OP said that if this wasn't going to cause a net
decrease in income, she would have these concerns.

FallenMadoona - we are barely surviving - due to massive debts and mortgage arrears - but I'm still letting him go back to work even though that could potential mean financial disaster

alwayslookingforanswers, that is not a good example for me, sorry.

But that doesn't mean the OP should necessarily take the same view. I'm not sure I would TBH. And I'm not sure if I were the non-working parent I would risk that myself.

what's not a good example? It's destroying his self esteem being out of work. He hates it and I can see it building up more and more. Working will leave us worse off - with mortgage arrears and massive debts - which are currently being paid off (just) with the benefits - but it will make him happier so it's a sacrifice we're just going to have to make.

We could get by quite nicely for the next XXXX years/months on benefits and clear the debts and then him working would make financial sense, but we'd both rather he was happier, and working (thus increasing his chances of finding a better paid job in the future - presuming he gets this one of course) than him being miserable.

I think if you're not careful he's (your DH) going to end up resenting you and you can kiss goodbye to the end of your marriage.

I agree with TheFallenMadonna. I feel really sorry for the OP who has been given a hard time here. She says she can barely make ends meet and her dh's job will push them over the edge yet posters say "what about his self-esteem?".

If the choice is between feeding their family and keeping their home or her dh's self-esteem then I know which one I would choose!

well ime low self-esteem often equals depression which frequently equals end of marriage. So it could quite feasibly become a choice between a home or a marriage. It's life - it sucks

although I should add I can understand why you're stressed about it at the moment with the house sale not quite (or only just?) through

Alwayslookingforanswers, I understand what you say about self-esteem and depression. However, if raising DH?s self-esteem means financial bankruptcy for me and my family, this is not an option. At the end of the day we are responsible for our DS.
We also had a tough decision to make 8 months ago ? DH?s had to quit his two jobs in order to legalise himself ? it could not continue like this. This means I have been fully supporting family financially while DH is looking after DS. We knew is going to be tough, but we managing and happy about our decision.
I don?t restrict DH from working, but at least I expect his work would cover his travelling and childcare costs so it does not reduce our net income, while I am continuing to pay for everything else. To be perfectly honest, I expect him to cover travelling and childcare and to bring home some symbolic £10 a week, so we feel that there is at least little point for daddy to go to work.
Alwayslookingforanswers, we are completing on house today, it did add the stress, ate all my savings and left me feeling financially insecure (we should manage as we managed so far, but we need to increase our little savings rather than to reduce it to 0 for DH?s self-esteem).