Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To restrict my husband from low paid job?

219 replies

toja555 · 01/09/2009 10:04

My 16-month old DS is currently staying with my husband at home because husband is unemployed. I earn 30k a year and this is our all family budget. My husband is an accountant, but has been unemployed for 8 months and is desperate to take any work even paid 12k a year (min rate 5.95). I checked government website based on this assumption (42k a year) and average cost of childcare £200/week and it came out that the child/working tax credits we will get is roughly £40 a month? With this presumption I want him to stay at home instead of choosing a low paid job because it is just does not pay off!

My question is, am I right in my presumptions? Because my DH is very upset with me restricting him from work.

OP posts:
Imarchietheinventor · 01/09/2009 16:09

Get your husband to ring CIMA and explain your current situation. They will be able to advise what his best course of action is. Also log on to the CIMA website, they have jobs advertised on there.

Could you husband not find childcare in the Gatwick area and drop your son off on the way to work, there is some very good, cheap nurseries around who cater for the airline staff so will take children on shift basis. Has he asked whether the Royal Mail provide help with childcare.

Also look on the Royal Mail website for finance related jobs, and keep looking. He maybe sorting mail at the mo, but something else might come up within the company, tell him to make to known he is studying for the CIMA

Original poster
toja555 · 01/09/2009 16:53

Imarchietheinventor, thanks, I will tell DH to look into it.

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 01/09/2009 17:04

YABU. The longer he stays at home, the more difficult it will be for him to find a better job. And a job is more than just earning money. Your partner clearly wants to work, how can you think of confining him to the house where he will be completely dependant on you?

susie100 · 01/09/2009 17:16

toja555 I can actually see your point and think you are getting quite a tough time on here.

You DH is obviously feeling like he needs to get out there and I can understand this but he seems to be doing this without any real consideration of your family situation.
If him going to work makes you as a family WORSE OFF then it does not seem like a logical thing to do right now.
It sounds as though you are totally overwhelmed with the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner, young toddler and still sorting out a lot of the domestic duties as well. I can see how this now feels like another thing that is YOUR responsibility (to pay for) and means you are also tied to inflexible and expensive childcare.

I think your DH is being selfish by accepting this work, especially as it has NO link to the job he actually wants to do. I agree, he should wait until a more relevant job comes up, even for the same money. Its not that you are banning him from work but it dose not make sense to be worse off for something that is not even going to develop his career (I can see why you would go back and make a loss if that were the case and many women do do this just to keep their career going for when childcare is no longer an issue)

People are likely to take offense because you keep on referring to your money rather than family money.

Sounds like you need to sit together and communicate a bit more to be honest.

susie100 · 01/09/2009 17:17

And another thing - he seems to be making unilateral decisions without doing any reserach 'we will get tax credits' and leaving you again to shoulder the responsibility for it all.

scottishmummy · 01/09/2009 17:21

i don't think you should be dictating to an autonomous adult whether or not he works.that is overtly controlling and suiting yourself.if he has a backbone he will stand up to you.

a lesser paid job may eventually lead to better pay,once he is established and demonstrates his skills and is known as good employee.

having his employment curtailed by you certainly wont lead to enlightenment or financial solvency

if it were you would you be happy for your husband to dictate whether you can work for minimum wage or not

you are a partnership don't stifle him.this might lead to better things. so called better work doesnt just materialise in midst of a recession.you may need to compromise

Ripeberry · 01/09/2009 17:29

Is there no evening or weekend work that he could do to get himself on the ladder?
I'm sure lots of employers would love to find someone who could do those sorts of hours, but of course then you won't see each other , but at least they will be no childcare costs.

AspasiaManos · 01/09/2009 17:37

Susie makes a good point - the OP's dh says "we'll get tax credits" but doesn't check it out first - leaving it all to the OP (again by the looks of it).

You poor thing toja - you sound exhausted.

susie100 · 01/09/2009 17:38

I am really the only one who thinks the DH sounds really selfish??

She is supporting him financially and emotionally through his studies and he is taking compeltely unrelated work on which leaves them worse off as a family?

I just don't get it.

AspasiaManos · 01/09/2009 17:39

Oh I'm with you, Susie!

WidowWadman · 01/09/2009 17:40

It's not as if he's giving up his studies to work. If my partner would treat me like that (i.e. restrict me to be a SAHM) I think I couldn't live with him anymore.

susie100 · 01/09/2009 17:48

AspasiaManos - phew! Thought I was really missing something here.

She is not restricting him , she is happy for him to work but not in a job that
a) leaves them worse off
b) has aboslutely NO benefit to him doing what he has invested time and money training to do.

scottishmummy · 01/09/2009 17:49

dh want to support his family even on minimum wage.yes what a selfish git.

how very dare he try gain employment

are you suggesting he sits festering on the sofa until arthur andersen come a knocking? people try to make better opportunities from dire circumstances and hope for better things. mooching around hoping for better things isn't a very good option

i have read your post i see you are very worried and perhaps cant see an end to this. but it is always easier to get employment when employed

in the mean time have you logged on to benefit advice sites about tax credits

ReneRusso · 01/09/2009 17:53

He has been out of work for 8 months. He has absolutely no track record as previous work was illegal. He has had no other job offers. He is unlikely to get offers of good accounting work with no previous history. He is obviously desperate to get out of the house and get working. I think he is doing the right thing.

oneopinionatedmother · 01/09/2009 17:56

it's not really like that though, although it is easier to get a job whilst employed, there are dangers in taking a job outside the field you want to work in.

i don't think he's being selfish, possibly unwise though? Or are there reasons to think he just can't stand being asked to do housework/ look after DCs??

and a good wife advises their DH against doing things that are unwise (i don't think we;re talking about any kind of absolute prohibition are we?)

scottishmummy · 01/09/2009 17:57

unfortunately many people work below their skills/qualification abilities. i have friends with degrees who have had to wait tables etc until job in chosen field came up.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/09/2009 17:59

wow - the op certainly got told didnt she!!

as much as dh wants to get a job/not be a sahd/help earn money - there seems to be no point if what he earns is eaten up by childcare and travel costs and then the family is worse off esp as this job has NOTHING to do with what he wants to do ie accountancy

have you woked out excalty what costs travel/childacre you wil need to pay, and then would salary dh gets+any wtc - and def look into childcare vouchers (if your company doesnt do them, then ask for them to start) theses will really help with childcare costs

it would be different if taking a low paid job in an accountancy firm, so eventually the dh can get premoted/payrise etc and is working towards his goal of chosen career

are there really no jobs near by where he can work in evenings at sains/tesco/etc and then reduce/not have any childcare/travel costs

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/09/2009 18:03

according to this link here

Providing childcare vouchers shouldn't cost your employer any money. In fact, as they don't pay national insurance on the vouchers, it actually makes them serious money - £100s per employee! So try and persuade them; perhaps chat to other parents and go as a group to request the facility

AspasiaManos · 01/09/2009 18:05

But, scottishmummy, presumably these people's jobs didn't leave their family worse off? That's the point here - toja's family is struggling financially and her dh wants to make them worse off.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 01/09/2009 18:21

The people supporting the op here seem to be focusing on the fact that this job is in an unrelated field.
Yes true but like someone only a few posts below pointed out any work record he has in this country was illegal and under a friends name. Right now any job will benefit him because he can prove himself as an employee and gain a good reference.
Without these things her dh might struggle to find any work never mind something above minimum wage until he is qualified.
Everyone on here supports a womans right to go out to work and being a SAHM is not for all of us so why is it different for a DH?
He is bettering his chances of getting further work because he will have an employment record legally how on earth is that a bad thing?

oneopinionatedmother · 01/09/2009 18:27

agree aspasia

@scottishmummy - i was one f those graduates, but this is a completely different situation (due to the additional hassle and cost caused to partner) and that experience showed me how hard it can be to go cross careers once you have been doing a certain kind of work for a while (i'd worked in retail, so people doubted my ability to function in an office environment - ridiculous! showed me just how narrow minded employers can be)

agree blondeshavemorefun - however a lowly job in the financial sector would be greatly better.

frogwatcher · 01/09/2009 18:49

Making an assumption you get tax credits at the moment then of course he should work and contribute to supporting your family with you rather than relying on tax credits, which are supplied by all tax payers. Anybody able to support themselves and not claim off the government should do. I cant understand this total reliance on benefits, tax credits etc. Yes if you really need it, but if you can support yourselves then NO, NO, NO.

alwayslookingforanswers · 01/09/2009 19:16

gosh just read your 15.17 post and I'm really quite speachless

Why are you married to him??? You seem to resent him for everything.

and this in another post (not by the OP)

"a) leaves them worse off
b) has aboslutely NO benefit to him doing what he has invested time and money training to do. "

Well that's my DH told then - he's better get back on his arse and keep signing on every week as he's not going to get a job in the field he's experienced in - just no work around at the moment - and will leave us worse off

alwayslookingforanswers · 01/09/2009 19:18

ermm frog - the OP works - therefore HER taxes are also being used for tax credits.

And a hell of a lot of people do rely on the tax credits to survive when they're on minimum wage jobs with no 30k earner in the household to top up.

oneopinionatedmother · 01/09/2009 19:21

@frogwatcher the purpose of ebenfits is to support people that need that support - true However this man taking this job isn't going to stop his family needing that support (just in a diff way, ie for childcare vouchers)

and this isn't the right exit point - he's a trained accountant. Granted, there's very little work going in that field (as we have found) but a job like mine (low paid financial sector) would be more appropriate than this.