To restrict my husband from low paid job?

[toja555]

My 16-month old DS is currently staying with my husband at home because husband is unemployed. I earn 30k a year and this is our all family budget. My husband is an accountant, but has been unemployed for 8 months and is desperate to take any work even paid 12k a year (min rate 5.95). I checked government website based on this assumption (42k a year) and average cost of childcare £200/week and it came out that the child/working tax credits we will get is roughly £40 a month? With this presumption I want him to stay at home instead of choosing a low paid job because it is just does not pay off!

My question is, am I right in my presumptions? Because my DH is very upset with me restricting him from work.

I agree with bonsoiranna - at the end of the day there needs to be food on the table etc etc, which must be a priority before the adults' aspirations are taken into account. No point in DH having great self-esteem but you all being broke as a result

Also, the long-term benefits will likely include his moving on to a better-paying job later.

Being the chief or even the sole breadwinner does not give one ownership over another person.

Then he can get a second job evenings and weekends to make up the shortfall.

tbh I'm not sure that a part-qualified accountant working as a mailsorter will improve his future accountancy career prospects in the slightest. Would be a much better idea to look for temporary accounts type work, and to study hard in between to get through the qualifications quicker

Your attitude is quite frankly appalling and I feel sorry for your dh, being married to you! I have always been the main earner in our relationship and although I am not always happy about the situation I have never once said (or even thought) that it is my money,my budget, I paid, etc.
If you go out to work and have children you have a repsonsibility to sort out childacre. If one parent can and wants to stay at home then great, but it is not the sole responsibility of the second earner to pay for childcare.
There are many benefits to being in work, as have been pointed out already, not least your husband's mental health!

It does seem very unlikely that childcare would cost more than he earns, particularly if you register for childcare vouchers.

I use a nanny but aren't childminders about £4 an hour or something? Even for 9 hours that's only £36 a day, and if you take childcare vouchers a large proportion of that would be tax free anyway.

if he's working full time as a mail sorter and has a 2nd job evenings/weekends, there is zero chance of him ever passing any accounting exams

flowerybeanbag, why it is not clear by now that our budget is tight and he has a right not to care about how we meet ends? I have never refused to pay to anything, but nobody seems to care that it is a break-even point for me. I cannot afford more expenses than we have. He knows our budget, but he feels frustrated by not being able to get accounts job. He knows our budget perfectly, but he does not care even if travelling+chilcare costs seems to be higher than his salary. It is not accounts job, I don't think it will have any positive influence in his career. He will no time to study for his CIMA. He will have no money for Starbucks coffee, or maybe he will have, but then he will have no money for his travelling and I will have to pay. I don't think it is fair on me. I am completely being disregarded.
P.S. Would it be low-paid accounts job, I would have viewed differently... Would it be the same mail sorter work nearby with lower traveling costs, I would have viewed differently. I am seriously worried about our budget...

Imagine the utter outrage there would be if a woman were to have started this thread about how her husband forbids her to go out to work because it's low-paid and it's going to mess up their budget.

It'd be frickin' WW3.

YABU, you and he are equals, how would you react if t he tables were turned?

How much is the childcare - per day
How much are the travel costs - per day
And what would his pay be - per day

"Financial viability is all that matters and, unfortunately to my DH, I cannot afford end up spending even more from my tight budget to satisfy my DH?s self-esteem"

If my husband spoke to me like that then I would be seeking a divorce. Do you actually love him?

If your husband wants to go down the casual jobs route, prehaps you need to think about work where you can cover the child care. Prehaps he could do a few evening shifts in Tescos, or the cinema or work in a pub or as a kitchen assistant at the weekend. Or maybe he could get a part time casual job.

I really cannot imagine that the OP's DH's self-esteem would be rocket high if he got the whole family into debt.

YABVVU.

I think its totally reasonable to work out if its worth your dh working.
On the one hand your dh goes to work, your joint household income is less and your child spends time in childcare or your dh stays at home and you forgo his income, but you save the childcare and your child is cared for by a parent.
However its also reasonable to look at the long term bigger picture.
I have 3 children and worked for virtually nothing for 3 years after my childcare costs were taken out, however, I also kept my job, career and pension so although it wasn't worth it financially in the short term, in the long term it was.
If your husband wants to work I think you should encourage him can you not come to a compromise such as working shifts or weekend when childcare won't be an issue?

It's perfectly clear that your budget is tight. But it seems that for you it's all about you paying for this that and the other. It's joint family income wherever it comes from. It's not you paying for things.

You need to sit down together and make joint decisions. Get proper hard information about benefits, childcare vouchers, travel costs and work it out together. It should be perfectly possible for him to go back to even a minimum wage job without it having a negative effect on the family income if you work out the detail together properly. At the moment you don't seem to be communicating with each other and making decisions jointly, just resenting each other for your individual attempts to make decisions on your own.

I think its interesting that Toja that if this was a SAHM wanting to go back to work even if its a lower paid job, what would you think then?

Everyone has the right to work if they want to and it harms no one. Presumably he wants to contribute financially to the family budget and if I were him I would be worried about how such a long gap as unemployed looks on a CV. As another poster said, it is far easier to jump to another job from one, than from being unemployed.

Are there other issues here? Would you rather be a SAHM than be the breadwinner?

bloody well said flowerybeanbag. has he had help woith his jobsearch from job centre? any help having a cv written? you can get free help with this that might improve his job chances

Who says there'll be any debt, Anna? He can also get another job evenings and weekends to bring in some more money.

Is it a mail sorter job with the Royal Mail.
He should be able to arrange a lift from a mail van going to sorting office in the morning.
They try wherever possible to accomodate travel to work in the Royal Mail as it is often unsociable hours.
They are a lot of thing but they are good like that.

I can totaly understand where you are coming from although I still think YABU.
I have been a SAHM mum for 6 years now and would love to go back to work but circumstance (not financial) doesn't allow just now and when I do get a job I won't be making a huge financial contribution once I pay childcare etc but I am in a place now where I need a bit of the socail aspect that comes with working so I can also see your husbands side as well.
It is hard but the budget will sort itself out in the long term .
If you love your DH you have to try and support him in this it is obviously something he feels he needs to do for his own reasons.

WHy is the childcare coming out of his wage? Surely the child is both yours and childcare comes out of both your wages. Couldnt bear to be in your relationship, really I couldnt.

OK my last try here... It is a question of financial survival... I can only reduce our food and small household things if I want to spare some money for our budget to cover his negative contribution. Other things like mortgage, bills, council tax, I can't reduce. It is central London, childminder charge £4.5-5 per hour, nurseries £180 week (I am on waiting list of one).

Maybe your husbands earn enough to support anything you do, but I don't earn that much. Plus I am expected to cook, refurbish our house (cos I have more skills), take care DS to childcare and back (DH's job is far).
I was supporting DH to pursue career in accounts but it seems to have lead nowhere so far. If he brings negative financial contribution to our budget, I see us going nowhere. We might have financial difficulties and sell the house we just bought.

OP, it is not unreasonable to be concerned about the family budget and to be realistic about the costs of working but I think that most people (me included) have reacted very strongly to you constantly saying 'I can't afford', 'I will have to pay' etc.

It has been pointed out many times on MN that all money coming into the household should be regarded as family money, regardless of who earned it.

You and your dh need to start working together to sort this out and agree some sort of plan (e.g evening/weekend work to cut childcare costs).

It needs to be a joint approach that tries to balance the needs of everyone. Maybe he would be more willing to compromise if you were more supportive of his desire to work.

ugh, what an obnoxious statement: "I cannot afford end up spending even more from my tight budget to satisfy my DH?s self-esteem."

I know a man who has a high-paid job, and his wife was a newly qualified accountant. Because of his salary they had no entitlement to help with childcare costs, so she was basically working for nothing.

But it was what she wanted to do, to progress in her life, so that's what they did.

PS.
The basic tax credit entitlement for 1 child over 12 months working 30+ hours per week is £7305. However childcare costs can add a MAXIMUM of £7280/year to this. This totals £14,585. This is withdrawn at 39% over £6420, such that at £43,800, there would be nothing left.

So I think the OP is most likely correct that her husband would pay for everything - tax, would £1700 on £12,000, leaving £10,300 net, of which I imagine child care would cost £9-£10k, and commuting would more than take up the rest. So it would end up be working for a negative return.

I think he should perhaps find a job with some career progression at least.

Hang on a minute. OP post at 10.56

SGBrass, my DH stayed illegaly in this country and he did accounts job in his friend's name. He also has abroad degree in accounts. He is studying CIMA at the moment. He can show some past (legal) experience in accounts plus that he is working on qualifications.

So he's here illegally and has worked in a friend's name?? Eh??

Am I missing something here? Sounds like he shouldn't be working anyway!